30. Cameron
Cameron
Mary had been quiet ever since they’d left the event. Cam wasn’t sure why, but he felt unaccountably nervous. And not much had made him nervous since he’d knocked Joe Zolento out with that baseball bat decades ago.
Mary had looked amazing on his arm at the event. People had been tripping over themselves taking her in, with her natural beauty. She’d stood out because she wasn’t phony. She was warm and engaging, and intelligent and gorgeous.
He’d never enjoyed socialising so much. He’d never enjoyed being with a woman so much. Like a burr under his skin, Cam had to face that fact. This ... with Mary, wasn’t usual.
He turned to face her in the apartment. She was taking the jewellery off and he put out a hand. ‘You don’t have to do that yet. I actually had a little fantasy of fucking you in nothing but the diamonds.’
She looked at him, her cheeks flushing. But instead of walking towards him with that sexy smile he’d come to really, really like, she just stood there, looking at him.
He frowned. ‘What is it? Has something happened?’ He immediately thought of her family.
But she was shaking her head. ‘No, nothing has happened ... Well, yes, something has happened. I shouldn’t have gone to the event with you. It was ... dishonest and misleading.’
Cam shook his head, struggling to understand. ‘What on earth are you talking about? Dishonest?’
She nodded. Now she looked miserable. ‘The thing is, Cam ... I’ve developed strings …’ She cursed. ‘Feelings. I’ve developed feelings for you.’
Something inside Cam went still. Feelings. He shook his head. ‘It’s just the sex. It’s intense enough to make you think it’s more.’
Now she sent him a look. ‘I know the difference between sex and emotion, I might not have had it for a while, but I’m not stupid.’
Cam felt chastened. ‘I know you’re not stupid – far from it.’
She looked a little mollified. ‘I’ll get changed into my own clothes and then I can leave the dress and jewellery here.’
Cam wondered if he’d hit his head, because nothing was making sense. And yet at the same time, he felt wary of pushing her to say more. Mary started to walk towards the stairs to the bedroom. ‘Wait, stop...where are you going to go?’
She turned around and put the bracelet down on a table. She was still wearing the necklace and it seemed to glitter too gaudily now.
‘I’ll go to Caitlin and Liam’s and then ... back to Dublin. I’ll have stuff to sort out as I’ve decided I’m going to take the redundancy from work.’
Cam felt ridiculously hurt that she’d come to that decision without telling him before now, as if someone else had helped her make it. Her family. He felt something inside him close off. Maybe it was for the best that she was going. ‘That’s good to hear. I think you’re making the right decision.’
She smiled, but he could see it wasn’t like her real smile.
‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘Actually, I’m seriously thinking about coming back here, at least for a while to see if I could live here full time. Maybe take up a college course.’
‘You decided all of this ... with your family.’
‘Well, sort of. It was seeing them again and knowing that everything was OK ... but, if I’m honest, this has been percolating for a while and coming here with you has solidified it.’
‘So, you’ll be here in New York ... long term.’
She nodded. ‘Maybe.’
The thought of that and not being able to see her or touch her made Cam feel a bit panicky. ‘This doesn’t have to end, Mary – we still want each other?—’
‘But we want different things.’
Now Cam felt frustrated. ‘But how can you think you have feelings? We’ve only known each other a few days.’ It couldn’t happen like that, could it? His chest felt tight.
Mary bit her lip. ‘I know it seems ridiculous, but I’m falling for you, Cam. And the more we’re together, the more I’m falling for you. And I know that’s not what this was supposed to be.’
Cam frowned, trying to understand. ‘But you weren’t looking for anything serious either.’
‘I wasn’t.’ And then her eyes narrowed and she jabbed a finger in his direction.
‘I didn’t ask for this – I have a life to embrace without having to worry about anyone for the first time in years, I don’t need any commitments!
I’ve slept with only a handful of men; you’ve slept with probably hundreds of women …
’ She paused. ‘No offence, but I’m just saying, I have stuff to do, experiences to have, but then you came along with your big, tall, broad body and chest, and those thighs, and hands, and the salt-and-pepper beard, and all ...
’ She stopped as if running out of steam.
Cam shook his head, ‘Mary ... it’s just lust, attraction.’ He felt that if he could just keep her here and persuade her of this, things would go back to normal and he could take her to bed, and she’d agree that it was just the lust talking.
But then she shook her head. ‘I’m not losing anyone else, Cam. I can’t lose anyone else I love.’
Love. The word fell between them, but Cam felt numb. She couldn’t mean it. He was unlovable.
She was saying, ‘I know that’s not what you want. And that seeing my family freaked you out. But it shouldn’t. Maybe you’ll have a family some day.’
Cam shook his head, rejecting that outright. ‘Not in my wheelhouse.’
‘Aren’t you already creating a family by providing support with your charity?’
Cam couldn’t answer that. He thought of how he’d asked his old mentor/teacher to be on the board to advise and how they’d carefully curated a brilliant group of specialists to help those kids. And how when he went down and saw the kids playing ball or taking courses, how full it made him feel.
He felt exposed, cornered. ‘That’s not family.’
‘Isn’t it?’ Mary asked softly. ‘I’m not ready for a family yet, but I know some day I’ll want to have kids.’
An image popped into Cam’s head of Mary nursing a baby at her breast and looking up at him, smiling. A child. His child.
No. He didn’t have it in him. He only knew what it was to be on the outside looking in. Like he had today when he’d seen Mary’s family embrace her. She belonged with them. The thought of inserting himself into that picture made him go clammy with a sense of panic.
‘If that’s how you feel, then maybe you should go.’
Mary hitched up her chin. ‘I’m sorry to ruin ... this ... but I’m not sorry we met, Cam. I’ll go and change, and pack.’
He watched her go up the stairs, feeling a kind of helpless, futile rage.
He turned away and yanked off his bow-tie, feeling constricted.
This was what happened when you let a lover get too close.
He’d lost his edge with Mary. He’d let his guard drop.
He’d forgotten that he was a lone wolf. That he needed no one.
After a few minutes, she reappeared behind him in the reflection of the window. She looked tiny against the expanse of the vast, open space. Reminding Cam that this place – amazing as it was – had never really fit him.
He turned around. She was dressed in jeans and a top, and her jacket. Hair pulled back. Face clean. Her wheelie suitcase by her side.
It’s OK, he told himself. Probably for the best. This was never meant to be more than a quick fling. No strings attached.
‘I left the dress and jewellery upstairs,’ she said.
‘Thank you.’ Cam marvelled that he sounded so cool and calm when his insides were churning so hard he felt nauseous. ‘I’ll have my driver meet you out front – he’ll take you wherever you want to go.’
She gripped the handle of her case. ‘Thanks for this evening ... and, well, for everything. I’ve had a really nice time. Goodbye, Cam.’
And then she left before he could say another word.