33. Mary
Mary
‘Um, Maro, someone is coming into the bar.’
I looked up from where I’d been wiping a glass. At some point in the evening I’d given up feeling sorry for myself, sobered up and had gone behind the bar to help out.
Caitie was looking over my shoulder and I turned around. There were only a few punters left in the bar. But there was only one that I could see, standing inside the door, looking at me.
Cam. I blinked but he didn’t disappear. He was wearing jeans and a dark top. His worn leather jacket. I felt weak. As if sensing I might lose motor functions, Caitie took the glass out of my hand and said, ‘Wait here, I’m talking to him first.’
Before I could stop her, she had thrown a tea towel over her shoulder and went around the other side of the bar to Cam. She stood in front of him with her hands on her hips, saying something. He said something back.
And then she came back and said, ‘OK, you have my permission to talk to him.’
‘What did you say to him?’
Caitie tapped her nose. ‘You don’t need to know. Just call me if you need me.’
‘But I’m not going anywhere.’
Cam was on the other side of the bar now, looking at me. I felt self-conscious. I must look a sight. Wearing jeans and a Sullivan’s T-shirt. Hair pulled back. No make-up. A far cry from the woman he’d met in Dublin.
‘You’re still here,’ he said.
I felt defensive – maybe he’d think I was pathetic still mooning around Manhattan. ‘I decided to take a few more days off.’
‘Will you come with me? I want to show you something.’
I glanced at Caitie, who just shrugged. This was my call. I looked back at Cam and my insides flowed into mush. Damn him. ‘OK, fine.’
I grabbed my jacket and followed him to the door. He opened it and let me out first, careful not to touch me. A car I hadn’t seen before was there, a low-slung sporty thing. He opened the passenger door. I got in and he closed the door.
When he got into the driver’s seat, the space suddenly felt tiny. Like a little cocoon. I was achingly aware of Cam’s size and scent. His big hands on the steering wheel and gear shift.
As he pulled out into the road, I asked, ‘Where are we going?’
He glanced at me and his look lingered. My skin prickled. I was trying really, really hard not to read anything into this. I’d told him I was falling for him and he’d let me walk away.
‘The Upper East Side.’
The journey was silent. Soon we were turning into tree-lined streets with the distinctive brown-bricked houses, steps leading up to the front doors. Cam pulled into a spot and got out.
He opened my door. I had to put my hand in his to let him help me out and I gritted my jaw at the electric jolt that went straight between my legs.
When I was standing upright, I pulled my hand back. It was dark, but Cam was in a pool of light. I realised he looked a little wild. And tired.
Concern for him and anger at myself made my voice sharp. ‘Cam, what is it? Why have you brought me here?’
He gestured to a house. I looked. There was a For Sale sign. I struggled to comprehend. ‘You’re buying this house?’
‘I’m thinking about it.’
I was beginning to feel frustrated. ‘Well, that’s very nice but I don’t see what that’s got to do with me.’
‘It’s because of you.’
My heart skipped a beat. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
Cam glanced at the house. ‘One of my foster homes was near a street like this, except further downtown. There were brownstones. I used to climb out the window at night and walk up and down the streets, looking in the windows at the families. Envying them. Wanting what they had. But knowing I could never have it because I’d been rejected because I couldn’t be in a family. ’
My chest felt tight. ‘Cam, you know that’s not?—’
He put a finger to my mouth and it shocked me into silence. He took his hand down and gave a half-sad smile. ‘I know rationally that of course I can have that too. But I’ve never really felt it, believed it ... until I met you and you made me want ... more. To try ... for more.’
‘What are you saying?’ I asked.
‘That I’m a huge coward and I should never have let you walk out that door. This has been the worst week of my life.’
I shook my head, my heart was thumping so fast. ‘Cam …’
But he was talking again. ‘I think I fell for you the moment you walked into that bar and I knew I had to have you. I’d been coasting for months and you brought me back to life.’
‘I ... you … fell?’
He nodded and put his hands on my waist, tugging me towards him. I went, willingly. I was instantly soothed and electrified by his touch, but something in me was still holding back. He might think that just because I was in New York we could pick up again ...
But as if hearing my doubts he said, ‘This isn’t just a fling, Mary, this is something much much bigger.’
I had an urge to smirk at that, but it wasn’t the right moment. But a giddiness was rising inside me.
‘How big?’ I asked, feeling bolder.
Cam pulled me closer. I could feel his body against mine, all that power and strength. ‘As big as maybe buying that house and some day ... moving into it together and maybe ... filling it?’
‘With?’ I said, not willing to let him off that easily.
He almost scowled at me, but it turned into a smile. ‘With a family?’
My giddiness overflowed, but I had to tell him something first. ‘You know this isn’t easy for me either. I had no intention of falling for the first man to come along. I wanted to sow my wild oats. Have fun. Go travelling. Enjoy being free of responsibilities ...’
He pulled me even closer. ‘I’m in love with you, Mary Ryan, and I don’t want to cage you or make you feel like you’re losing out on anything.
I want you to feel free and to pursue every dream you’ve ever had, and I want to share that with you, if that’s OK?
And we can take it as slow as you like ... ’
Tears blurred my vision and my chest felt too full to speak, but somehow I managed to get the words out. ‘I love you too, Cam ... and, yes ... to all of that, to everything.’
I wound my arms around his neck, bringing us even closer. I came up on tiptoe, putting our mouths within kissing distance. And then I stopped. ‘What did my sister say to you?’
He smiled. ‘That if I hurt a hair on your head she’d kill me, but I told her I was crazy about you and so she let me in.’
I looked up at him feeling a little dizzy with how quickly things were moving. ‘Is this really real? Falling so hard and so quickly?’
‘Let’s think of it as just...taking each day as it comes and having fun along the way.’
Happiness made my voice thick because I knew this was real, and so did he. ‘Cam?’
‘Yes, Mary?’
‘Can you please take me home and fuck me now? Really hard?’
He grinned. ‘It would be my pleasure.’