Chapter 5
CHLOE
I’m not sure why I said yes to this – something to do with the sake, I’m sure – but here I am, in Kit’s private pool, in my tankini, clinging to the side with my second, now mostly empty, glass of rice wine in my hand, while I watch him swim lengths.
The bar in his apartment appeared to be stocked with every high-end branded spirit available, but I’d refused a cocktail – which, apparently, he could have called on his butler to come over and make for me – and opted instead to stick with what I’ve already been drinking.
The last thing I want is to take out a day of my holiday by suffering with a hangover.
He stops at the far end of the pool and looks back towards me, raising one eyebrow in a questioning manner, checking I’m okay.
I smile and give him a thumbs up.
He seems satisfied with this and dives under the water again, powering his lithe body back towards me.
It’s not the most terrible night I’ve ever had. Not even close.
In fact, as I watch him swim, I feel for a moment as if I’ve entered one of my fantasies – one of the ridiculous unlikely-to-ever-happen ones.
Yet, here I am. Living it.
I keep asking myself what the hell I think I’m doing, but the answer I keep coming back to is: I’m just having a bit of fun. Don’t I deserve it after the crap I’ve been through recently? And Kit is nothing if not fun. He always was.
He’s not the kind of guy you get serious with though.
I don’t think he’s got the staying power I’d need from a partner. He certainly didn’t back when we knew each other before. And I’m guessing that’s the conclusion his ex-fiancée came to as well.
As if he’s sensed I’m thinking about him, he stops swimming when he reaches my end of the pool, then wades over to me, smoothing the water droplets from his face, then running his fingers through his thick dark hair, slicking it back against his head.
I watch in fascination as the muscles in his chest move beneath his skin.
There’s a fluttering sensation deep in my stomach and unfortunately, I don’t think it’s the booze that’s causing it.
‘This is the life, right?’ he says, flipping me a grin.
‘Yes. It is,’ I reply stiffly, forming my mouth into a wide smile. I’m still not entirely sure about the wisdom of being here with him right now.
He must sense my reticence because he cocks his head and fixes me with that dark, penetrating gaze of his.
The fluttering intensifies.
‘Come on, Dasher, do a few lengths with me. It’ll help with the frustration.’ He waggles his eyebrows at me.
I can’t help but laugh at that, but I wave a dismissive hand in the air at his suggestion. ‘Nah. I don’t feel like swimming again right now.’
‘No?’
‘No.’
His gaze is still steady on me, as if he’s trying to penetrate my mind.
Then he lets out a loud sigh and moves to lean against the side next to me, turning to catch my eye again.
The heat of his body radiates towards me, and I catch the scent of his aftershave in the air. It’s delicious and intoxicating – an alluring blend of musky undertones – and it makes my head swim in an extremely pleasurable way.
‘Look, fuck Adrian and fuck Katya,’ he says in his low, seductive voice.
‘They’re the losers. Because they’re not here, swimming in the moonlight in Kyoto right now – but we are.
’ His gaze is intent on mine and when he smiles at me, I can’t help but stare at his sensual, full mouth and remember how much I used to love kissing him.
And how much I enjoyed the feel of his mouth on me. Everywhere.
I give an involuntary full-body shiver, which starts at the base of my spine and rushes outwards, to caress the whole of my skin.
Kit frowns. ‘You cold? Want to warm up in the hot tub?’ he asks.
‘Err, yeah, sure,’ I say. Though I’m not sure it’s a great idea to be putting myself in even closer proximity to him right now.
I don’t go back on my decision though, determined not to be a killjoy, and I follow him as he gets out of the pool and heads over to the sunken hot tub on the other side of his private terrace, that no doubt has amazing views across the river in the daylight.
At night though, we’re faced with a deep navy darkness, with only pinpricks of light in the distance from the lights of the nearest town.
Luckily, the moon is bright tonight and is giving off just enough light for us to see what we’re doing without it feeling like we’ve got a spotlight trained on us.
Kit steps down into the tub first and moves over to the far side so I can follow him in. As soon as he’s settled, I climb in directly opposite him, as far away from temptation as I can get.
We sit quietly for a few moments, both luxuriating in the feel of the hot bubbling water on our skin, which is intense after the cool pool.
‘How are you doing now, Dash?’ he asks me, raising a quizzical eyebrow.
I can’t help but smile at his friendly concern.
‘Ah, you know. I’m trying to stay positive, in amongst all this luxury.’
He smiles back at me. ‘Yeah. It’s the only way to be. Life moves fast and there’s no point in clinging on to something you have no power to change. It’ll only slow you down.’
‘Are you trying to tell me not to have any regrets?’
‘I guess so, yeah.’
‘If only it were that easy to trick my brain into believing everything’s okay.’
‘We can only try.’
‘Yeah. We can,’ I agree.
Kit leans back against the side of the tub and stretches his arms out in front of him. ‘So in the spirit of positive thinking, what are you looking for in your next partner?’ he asks me, swishing his hands through the water in front of him.
I clear my throat and sit up straighter, energised by his question. This is something I’ve put a lot of thought into over the last few days in an attempt to keep myself from totally falling apart.
I’m determined to think about this as an opportunity for change, just as Sadie suggested, instead of the loss of everything I once knew.
‘Someone who’s honest and respectful,’ I say, propping my head against the padded headrest behind me and looking up at the night sky.
‘Who looks out for people, but does it subtly and doesn’t look for recognition and gratitude all the bloody time.
Adrian was a bit of a pain in the arse like that.
I always felt like he was stepping up so he could prove how manly he was, so people would give him the credit he thought he deserved.
I’d like to be with someone who’s humble, but intrinsically knows his own worth and spends his time meaningfully.
He’s got to be self-assured, but also be able to let other people take the lead and be in control.
And he’ll support me and do his share of the hard, boring and icky things that need to be done, but he won’t bitch about it, just get on with it.
So I guess I want him to have integrity and show up consistently, even when things are hard.
And he should push himself to be the best person he can be.
But most of all, I want to be with someone who’s kind. That’s really important to me.’
He’s staring at me like I’ve just blown his mind.
‘Jesus. You don’t want much, do you?’ he jokes, but there’s a definite undertone of incredulity in his tone.
‘Good job I’m not asking it of you then,’ I shoot back.
There’s a heavy silence where we blink at each other.
Dammit. I shouldn’t have said that. It was way past the point of being an okay thing to say, in fact.
‘Look, sorry. I – err, I think I’m a bit too emotionally messed up for this kind of conversation.
I didn’t mean to take it in that direction.
I’m still really upset about what Adrian did to me and you’re getting the brunt of my frustration instead of him.
’ I hold up my hands, the water running down them in rivulets.
‘I apologise. I’m normally better than I used to be at not being so blunt with people, but I guess I’m not masking it so well with you tonight.
’ I screw up my nose in an expression of regret.
‘You should take it as a compliment. It means I’m comfortable enough with you to show you the real me. ’
Kit frowns. ‘It sounds like you have some serious anger issues to deal with,’ he says, his voice loaded with what feels like judgement.
Irritation flashes through me, turning my face hot.
‘Can you blame me? I was literally jilted at the alter on the day of my wedding. It doesn’t get much more humiliating than that.
And I can’t take it out on the person who I’m really angry with because he’s not here.
He’s off being happy, fucking someone else. ’
‘Yeah, I get that, but I’m not here to be your emotional punch bag, Dasher. I want to have a good time and forget about my own shit. Because believe it or not I have issues to deal with too.’
Shame floods through me. He’s right; I’m being a selfish bitch, harping on about my woes when he’s been kind enough to invite me here to hang out with him.
I guess I’ve been thinking about him like he used to be, back in our uni days, when he seemed so carefree and unencumbered by any kind of angst. But he’s had his fair share of emotional upset too recently.
‘Sorry,’ I say, ‘I shouldn’t be taking it out on you, it’s totally unfair of me to do that.’
‘Thanks for the apology.’
‘You’re welcome.’
There’s another loaded pause where we both adjust our seating position and pretend to be fascinated by the movement of the water in front of us.
‘Perhaps you could find another way to channel your anger?’ Kit says after a few moments of quiet.
‘Yeah? Like how?’
Kit shrugs and looks away, but I can tell from the way he’s keeping his lips clamped shut that he definitely has a suggestion, but isn’t sure he should share it with me.
It seems we’ve both put our walls up.
I want to get back to the flirty banter we were engaged in earlier, but I’m not sure how to do it.