Chapter 15
CHLOE
Kit’s hiding something. I’m sure of it.
There was an inflection in his voice when he said everything was fine, which doesn’t sit right with me.
He’d done it on the tram on the way into the city too, but I’d pushed my concerns aside then, not wanting to spoil our trip by questioning him about it.
This feeling of unease takes me straight back to the way Adrian was acting around me in the days before the wedding was due to take place.
I’d put it down to his nerves about getting married, or the thought of having to stand up in front of all the people we’d invited and being the centre of attention, which he’s never enjoyed – to my subsequent regret.
If only I’d pressed him to tell me what was wrong at the time, we could have avoided some of the traumatic humiliation on the day.
Because of this experience, I seem to be hyper aware now of inconsistencies in behaviour, and Kit’s body language is giving off strong red flag signals.
I try to push my concerns away. It’s none of my business who’s messaging him. It’s not like he’s my partner or anything.
And what I felt for him for a second in the dojo was just the adrenaline of wielding that sword, I’m sure of it.
And in the animal café, when he showed his more vulnerable side for once and I felt a strange rush of intense affection for him, it was just because I was in a happy place with a tiny warm kitten on my knee.
I think, in both cases, all those feelings just got muddled together.
That has to have been it.
In fact it’s crazy that I’m even contemplating staying on longer with him. We’re both very freshly out of relationships – serious ones – so it’d be ridiculous to think this is more than just a rebound. A cleansing. A revenge on Adrian and Katya for hurting us.
Having sex with Kit is one thing, but restarting our old relationship is a totally different beast.
One I’m much too frightened to face right now.
‘Who’s messaging you?’ I blurt, unable to stop myself.
I know it’s going to be bad news – or news I don’t want to hear anyway – I can sense it.
My stomach feels like it’s got rocks in it and a prickly panic creeps through my chest as I wait for him to tell me.
He sighs and rubs his hand over his face, like he feels I’ve backed him into a corner. ‘Katya.’
I sit up and wrap my arms around my middle, my entire being suddenly on high alert. ‘Oh?’
‘Yeah, I’m ignoring them,’ he says, waving his hand in the direction of the phone, like it means nothing to him.
But I can tell from the expression on his face that he’s bluffing. It does mean something.
I’m not buying this nonchalant act.
‘Go ahead and read them. Don’t mind me. In fact’ – I shuffle to the edge of the bed, aware that my heart is racing, and go to stand up – ‘I should probably get back to my own room and give you some space.’
‘You don’t need to do that,’ he says, but his voice still sounds strange.
‘It’s fine. Probably best that I do,’ I say tightly, grabbing my clothes and starting to pull them on with fumbling fingers.
‘Look, I just need to check what it says. I could only read the beginning of it and it’s been playing on my mind.’
‘Sure. Go ahead,’ I say, not looking at him. I don’t want him to see my torment in my face.
‘Just, wait a second. Don’t leave. Please,’ he says, his tone beseeching.
This stops me in my tracks. I think he really does want me to stay. I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I twist my fingers together in my lap.
Kit reaches for his phone again and I watch as his gaze dances across the screen. He lets out a rush of breath, then I see a smile flash across his face. Clearly it’s good news. For him.
‘Everything okay?’ I ask, unable to help myself.
‘Yeah. Fine. It’s just – she’s coming here to the hotel to see me.’ He pulls a frustrated face now, but I can tell he’s trying to hide how buzzed he actually is by the idea of this. That there might still be hope for them getting back together, I guess.
Clearly it’s not over between them.
Which makes sense, I suppose. She’s much more his speed than me. Better suited to his billionaire lifestyle than I am, with my cat cafés and cheap travel choices.
Katya fits right into his world, without him having to adapt in any way.
And anyway, the last thing I need right now is more complication in my life.
This thought cements my decision to leave.
‘Okay, then I really should go,’ I say, standing up from the bed. ‘I don’t want to be a third wheel.’
‘You really don’t need to—’
‘Yeah, I do. You should see her if she’s making the effort to come all the way here to see you.’ I take a shaky breath. ‘You’re obviously still in love with her and it’d be wrong for me to get in the way of you two getting back together.’
He goes to speak but I talk over him. ‘I can’t stay longer anyway. I have to get back to work. They need me there,’ I say stiffly. ‘And this was never meant to be anything more than a bit of fun, right?’
He rubs a hand over his hair. ‘Err, yeah. I suppose so.’
‘So let’s call it finished now, before we get confused about what it is we’re doing here.’
I can feel him staring at me as I pull on the rest of my clothes.
This wasn’t supposed to be a thing with Kit. It’s just a distraction, a balm.
I can’t afford to allow myself to catch any feelings. I’ll only get hurt. Again.
It’s too soon for me to get into anything serious again anyway. I need to give myself some room to breathe before I launch into something new with someone else.
‘Can we talk about this for a second?’ Kit says, his voice laden with frustration.
Panic starts to rise again in my stomach. I can’t deal with this right now.
‘I can’t spend more time with someone who’s always looking over my shoulder for someone better anyway,’ I bite out.
He looks affronted by that ‘What? I wouldn’t do that.’
‘You used to.’
‘I used to be a complete prick, yes, I admit it. But I’m not any more. I learnt my lesson about that when we split up.’
‘Did you though? How can I trust that?’ I try to make this sound persuasive, but I’m way off the mark. I actually sound defensive. Argumentative.
Kit lifts his arms in an open shrug, looking frustrated now. ‘I don’t know. That’s something you’re going to have to figure out for yourself.’
‘Yeah, well, I don’t have the bandwidth to do that right now,’ I say with a mixture of frustration and sadness.
Finally seeming to recognise my torment, he lets out a low breath and relaxes his posture, holding up both hands in acceptance.
‘Okay. Fine. If that’s how you feel then perhaps you should go.
’ He leans back against the headboard and tips his face to the ceiling.
‘I guess we had our fun.’ When he looks back at me he’s replaced his scowl with a nonchalant smile.
‘And as a bonus, I got my closure after our split and you got your revenge on What’s-his-chops by having amazing sex with your ex – yours truly – that he hates because I’m better at it than him. I call that a win-win.’
And there we have it – confirmation of what this has all really been about: a salve to Kit’s pride.
I force myself to give him a smile of acknowledgement, then turn away and start walking to the door on legs that feel like they’ve lost all their nerves.
‘Chloe,’ he says loudly behind me.
I stop in my tracks, swallow past a lump in my throat and turn back to face him.
I think that’s the first time he’s called me by my first name, and it’s had a strange effect on me.
He holds out his hand. ‘Give me your phone, I’ll put my number into it. In case you ever feel like shooting the breeze with me again.’
Shooting the breeze. You couldn’t get more casual than that.
But hey, there’s no reason why we can’t be friendly towards each other now.
Without a word I hand my phone to him and watch while his thumbs skim over the screen.
Handing it back, he says, ‘There you go. Now you’ve always got me in your pocket.’
I can’t help but smile at that. ‘You’re a good guy, Kit. Deep down.’
‘Thanks,’ he says, dryly.
‘And you deserve to be happy.’
‘So do you, Dasher.’
I sigh. ‘I will be. I just need a bit of time to heal then I’ll be as good as new.’
He gives me a smile that isn’t entirely convincing. ‘Well. It’s been a blast.’
‘Yeah, it has,’ I agree.
‘See you around, I guess.’
‘Not if I—’ I grimace through a sudden melancholy that’s descended. ‘Yeah, I’m not going to say it.’
The corner of his mouth lifts in a grin. ‘Have a good journey home.’
‘Thanks, you too.’ I turn to go, take a couple of steps towards the door, then spin back to face him again. ‘Do you want to know what I think?’
Folding his arms, he raises both eyebrows in response. ‘Hmm. I’m not sure I do, but I suspect you’re going to tell me anyway.’
‘You’re not the sort of person who should be a billionaire. It’s bad for you. Demotivating.’
‘Wow. Well, I can’t say I’m shocked to hear you say something like that.’
‘Yeah, well. You should thank me for being honest. Clearly no-one else has had the balls to point out the truth to you. It sounds like you’ve surrounded yourself with yes people.’
‘Yes, ma’am,’ he jokes, his smile wide and wicked, but I could swear there’s a flash of sadness behind it.
Or maybe I’m just seeing things.
‘Enjoy the rest of your holiday,’ I say, forcing myself to walk away from him.
‘I’ll give it my best shot,’ he calls, right before I shut the door to his apartment behind me.
* * *
Kit
My instinct is to chase after her and tell her I don’t want her to go, or that I’ll come with her. But I know I can’t do either of those things. She needs space. Time to heal and be able to trust again.
So do I, if I’m being honest.
The messages from Katya have shaken me up.
She’s asking to see me face to face and talk.
Not because she’s pregnant, but because she’s still in love with me and wants me back.
That leaving me for the ex she dumped me for was a mistake.
That he’s boring and never has any time for her. Or so she says.
It’s more likely that now she’s got what she wanted from him, she’s the one who’s bored and looking to get back to the cushy ride she had with me.
But there’s no way I’d want to reconcile with her. It’s too late. I don’t love her any more.
I’m in love with Chloe.
That’s extremely clear to me now.
And I’m prepared to wait for her. Because she’s worth it.
As soon as I’ve given Katya the courtesy of a chance to say what she needs to, since she’s making the effort to come all the way here, and told her we’re completely finished with no chance of a reconciliation, I’m going to leave the hotel too – alone – and travel round Japan for a bit.
Get my head together. Make some plans for the future.
Chloe’s right of course, being mega-wealthy probably isn’t good for me. It’s made me take too much for granted. Made me emotionally and conscientiously lazy.
So it’s time I did something about that.
* * *
The next day
Chloe
I’ve been wanting to visit the Studio Ghibli Park for years. Now I’m finally here all I can do is think about Kit and the fact he’s not here to enjoy this with me.
As I wander around it, taking in the amazing spectacle of the life-size replicas of the houses from the films, immersive movie sets, presentations of exclusive short films and mind-boggling exhibits and carousel rides, I can’t help wondering how his reconciliation with Katya went.
Whether they’re back together again now.
Whether he’s happy.
I know I was too hard on him after he admitted to receiving those messages from her. That I unfairly lashed out at him.
I don’t actually believe he lied to me in any way, but he was clearly distracted by them and I thought the best thing I could do right then was uncomplicate things for him and cut what we’d been doing off at the knees.
We’d both agreed that we weren’t in the arrangement we’d struck up for the long-haul and it felt like it was important to stick to the boundaries we’d set for ourselves.
This was particularly vital because of the way I was starting to feel about him – like something had changed between us on a fundamental level. It had made me nervous. Scared even.
My head’s still in too much of a mess to be able to unravel exactly what was going on there, but I know, deep down, that it was significant.
That he’s important to me.
* * *
Two weeks later
Kit
I lie on my bed, listening to the ringing quiet of my hotel room, wondering what to do with myself today.
I’ve already hit a lot of the recommended sights in Japan over the last couple of weeks and while I’ve been able to appreciate the magnificence of them, I’ve not connected with the country in the same way I did when I was with Chloe.
Or with any of the other people I’ve met on my travels.
I finally heard back from Elliot though, which was a massive fucking relief.
Apparently he’s been keeping his head down at his Vanaheim Grand hotel in Saint Lucia.
Not that he gave much away about what he’s been up to there and why he’s been ghosting me.
All I got in reply to my question about whether he’s having woman trouble was:
Yeah. It’s all a bit complicated and a proper head-fuck if I’m honest. I’m okay. Kinda. Spun out. I’ve got some shit to work through, but it’s going to be okay. Don’t worry about me, dude.
So that’s enigmatic of him.
Honestly, it didn’t really help with my worry, but at least he’s back in contact. He knows I’ve got his back, no matter what, so hopefully if I can be of any assistance he’ll let me know.
It sounds as if Raffa’s having a crisis of his own right now too, which is very unlike him.
I’m poised for hearing all about this wedding of his step-brother’s that he was reluctantly going to.
I know he’d arranged for it to be held, gratis, at the last minute at the Vanaheim Grand in the Maldives but I don’t know who he got to be his ‘unsuitable’ date for it.
I guess I’ll hear all the gory details in due course when he next gets in touch.
On the theme of people getting in touch, I pick up my phone to check whether Chloe’s sent me a message yet.
Nope.
Radio silence.
So I log in to my bank accounts and stare at the long strings of numbers that usually give me such a thrill.
Nothing. They mean absolutely nothing to me right now. Just a big load of zeros.
Logging off, I toss my phone onto the bedside table and resume my staring up at the ceiling, aware of an annoying tension in my throat.
I try to swallow past it, but it won’t go away.
There’s a heavy ache in my chest too.
And my eyes keep watering.
I fucking miss her.