14. Josh
14
JOSH
“You two are disgustingly sweet, and I’m tired of it,” Kevin grouses from his spot on the couch, his voice dripping with mock annoyance.
He’s sprawled out in his usual spot, one arm slung over the back of the couch while the other holds a half-empty cup of coffee. His eyes track our every movement, and there’s a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, betraying the playful nature of his complaint. It’s become a routine, really. Kevin throwing in his sarcastic commentary while Nia and I move around the apartment in sync, getting ready for the day. But beneath the teasing, there’s something else in his gaze. Maybe a bit of envy, or maybe just the slightest pang of loneliness. I can’t quite tell, but it tugs at me, making me wonder if he misses having someone to share these small, everyday moments with.
“You’re just jealous because I don’t believe in threesomes.” Nia shoots back with a laugh, her voice light and teasing as she pours Kevin a fresh cup of coffee from the pot she just brewed. There’s a playfulness in her tone that I’ve come to adore, a sharp wit that she wields effortlessly. She hands him the cup, her fingers brushing against his for just a second before she pulls away.
Even if she is joking, the thought of anyone—even Kevin—touching her sends a shard of rage into my chest.
“Easy, boy.” Her hand comes to rest over my heart and I stop in my tracks, not realizing that I’ve taken a step forward.
After a month of dating, either Nia is at our apartment or I’m at her house every single day. Not only that, but I am one hundred percent sure that I’m in love with her. I’m also sure that if I tell her that I love her, she’ll go running in the opposite direction like she’s got her ass on fire.
I already had to tie her to my bed to keep her from sneaking out the first time she spent the night. Yes, she said that she was only trying to respect my privacy, but that is no excuse to leave a man’s bed at two in the morning.
Since then, she hasn’t tried to flee, but that doesn’t mean I’m not panicked and sitting on the edge of my seat, just waiting for her to find a reason to leave.
“You two have to work, and I have a couch that needs to be slept on,” Kevin prompts, causing me to shoot an annoyed glance in his direction.
“Come on.” Nia’s fingers fit perfectly against mine, and I use my free hand to grab both of our duffel bags. “He’s right. We’ve got work, and I feel like today’s going to be a great day.”
But twenty hours later, I’m standing in the aftermath of chaos, staring at Nia as she works quickly and efficiently to save a life. Her hands are moving with practiced precision as she and Gem give oxygen to the unconscious man we just pulled from his burning camp, assessing the damage and what they will have to do.
The air is thick with smoke, the acrid scent of burning wood and charred metal clinging to my turnout gear, and all I can think about are Nia’s words from this morning.
How sure she was that today would be a good day.
How certain she seemed that nothing could go wrong.
But now, as I watch the man being loaded into the ambulance, his life hanging by a thread, I can’t help but feel the weight of the day pressing down on me. It’s a stark reminder that in our line of work, nothing is ever guaranteed, that even the best-laid plans can go up in the heat and destruction of flames.
“Good day, my ass.”
Ryder slaps me on the shoulder. “What’s that?”
“Nia,” I tell him while shaking my head. “On the way to work, she said she thought we were going to have a good day.”
We are having the opposite of a good day, and when the rig pulls into the bay an hour later, there aren’t any signs of our day getting better.
Especially when I see Eddie Stryker leaning against the ambulance, smiling and laughing with Nia and Gem.
“I mean, technically, we’re on a whole new day,” Ryder points out as we climb out of the rig. “So in a way, she was right.”
“I don’t want to talk about this, Eddie,” I hear Nia say as I approach, her tone carrying that familiar edge she uses when she’s not in the mood to entertain someone’s bullshit. She’s giving him the same glare she gives me when I’ve pushed her too far, and it makes me tense up, my senses on high alert. “It’s four in the morning, and I feel like I have more caffeine in my system than blood at this point. Can it wait?” There’s a sharpness in her voice, a weariness that mirrors my own, and I can tell that she’s at the end of her rope, just like the rest of us. But Eddie doesn’t seem to get the hint. Or maybe he’s just too stubborn to care. Either way, his persistence only serves to piss me off, the tension building with every passing second.
No one knows Nia and I are dating.
Not by my choice, but hers.
At least, outside of our close friends. She doesn’t want anyone to judge her for dating a coworker. Me? I want to take her in my arms and kiss her in front of the entire department every single day just so she’ll know I’m proud to call her mine.
“Do you think I want to talk about it?” He lowers his voice when he realizes that I’m not just walking by but stopping to interrupt their conversation. The smile that was on his face as we pulled into the building fades, leaving a pained grimace. “What’s up, Harmon?”
“Nothin’ much.” I cross my arms lazily over my chest. “How’d that guy end up after the fire, Nia?”
She turns a brilliant, if thankful, smile on me. “Good. He’s just getting checked out and they’re gonna release him.”
“Do you mind, Harmon?” Stryker’s voice cuts through the moment, pulling me back to reality. His words surprise the hell out of me. He’s coming right out and asking me to leave, like he has some sort of claim on this conversation, on Nia. It’s bold, I’ll give him that, but he doesn’t know how to play this game. And I’m not going to let anyone get between Nia and me. There’s an edge to his tone, a challenge that I’m not sure I want to ignore. “I need to talk to V about something important,” he adds, like that’s supposed to justify his demand. My jaw tightens, and for a moment, I consider telling him exactly where he can shove his request. But instead, I force myself to stay calm, to keep my emotions in check. I’m not going to give him the satisfaction of knowing he’s gotten under my skin.
Not when it comes to Nia.
“I don’t mind,” I tell him with a wolfish smile. I also don’t move a muscle.
Stryker glares at me and then turns back to Nia. “It’s one night, and I need you. You know I don’t ask for anything from you if I can help it.”
Nia shuffles from foot to foot and then seems to deflate. “Okay,” she tells him. “Send me the details.”
Stryker nods and without another glance in my direction, he walks away. Watching him walk away, I can’t help but feel like I’m missing something, like there’s a piece of the puzzle that hasn’t been revealed yet. But whatever it is, I’m determined to find out. Nia’s mine, and I’m not about to let some guy from her past come in and complicate things.
“What’s his deal?” I watch him go, not sorry to see his back, if I’m honest with myself.
Nia watches me watching him with an inscrutable expression, and when I turn back to her after the other man is gone, she doesn’t so much as blink.
“You don’t own me.”
“What?” I manage to choke out, the shock coursing through my system like a jolt of electricity. If I’d been walking, I would have tripped over my own feet. The accusation blindsides me, leaving me scrambling to understand where this is coming from. “I don’t think I own you,” I say, the words sounding defensive even to my own ears. But it’s the truth. I don’t see her as something to be owned, something to be controlled. Nia’s her own person, strong and independent, and that’s one of the things I love most about her. But the fact that she feels the need to push back, to assert her independence, makes me realize that somewhere along the way, I’ve given her the wrong impression. And that thought cuts deeper than any accusation she could throw at me.
“You could have surprised me.” The acid in her words hit me like a knife to the gut. “First with Kevin when he was just being nice to me yesterday before we left for work. Now, when Eddie shows up to talk to me about something, you practically pee on me and declare that I’m yours.”
“Whoa.” I hold up my hands, palms forward. “I have no idea what’s going on, but there is no part of me that thinks I own you.”
She opens her mouth, ready to give me a piece of her mind, but is interrupted by the alarm dropping tones.
“Attention Birch EMS, please respond…”
Just like always, I tune out the actual details of their call and walk away to get out of Nia’s path as she starts to round the ambulance.
“Load up,” Gem calls out loudly as she barrels through the door that leads to the rest of the department.
Nia casts one last glance in my direction before she disappears around the other side of the rig, and what I see in her eyes shocks me to my core. There’s a flash of indecision there, a moment of hesitation that I’ve never seen in her before. It’s like she’s torn between her duty and whatever it is she’s feeling, and the fact that I might be the cause of that uncertainty makes my heart clench. I’ve always admired her strength, her ability to make quick, confident decisions under pressure. But now, seeing that doubt in her eyes, knowing I might be the one who put it there, shakes me.
I stand there for a long time after they pull out, lights flashing and siren activated once they hit the main road. In fact, I’m staring at the road when Ryder finds me ten minutes later. The weight of the moment has been pressing down on me like a physical force, making it nearly impossible to think of anything else.
“You gonna get any sleep?” He yawns, scratching his neck and drawing my attention away from the empty road. “Or you just gonna stand there like an idiot?”
“Stand here,” I mumble, the words coming out heavy, like they’re weighed down by the uncertainty swirling inside me. “I’m just trying to figure out if I screwed this thing up before it even went anywhere.” It’s an admission I didn’t plan on making, but once it’s out, I feel a strange sense of relief, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. There’s so much I don’t know, so much I’m still trying to figure out when it comes to Nia. But one thing is clear and completely keeping me off-balance.
I don’t want to lose her.
Not now.
Not ever.
Ryder sighs, making a noncommittal sound. “Momma always says not to question if you screwed up. If your woman tells you that you did something, your best chance of survival is to listen to her and then fix whatever it is that you screwed up. But then again, my dad always says that he just humors my mom and lets her think that she’s right. So who knows?” He nods to the table set up along the wall where we play cards and sometimes eat. “You wanna talk about it?”
“Not really,” I admit. “But when has that ever stopped you from demanding I tell you what’s going on?”
Ryder laughs darkly. “All’s fair in the firehouse, man. When you’re in a pissy mood, we all have to deal with it.” He grabs the deck of cards and waves them back and forth for a second before he starts to shuffle them between his fingers. The rhythmic sound of the cards sliding against each other is oddly soothing, a reminder of the countless games we’ve played together over the years. Ryder’s not one to let things get too heavy, but he’s also not going to let me off the hook that easily.
“Rummy, then.” I watch his fingers manipulate the cards, and I think about Nia’s accusation. “She thinks I’m treating her like my property,” I admit, the confession heavy on my tongue. It’s not easy to say, to acknowledge that I’ve made her feel that way, but I know I need to get it out, to figure out where I went wrong. Ryder looks up from his cards, his expression unreadable, but there’s a hint of curiosity in his eyes, like he’s waiting to see where I’m going with this.
“Are you?” Ryder deals the cards, his eyes falling back to the table while he gives me time to consider the implications of what he’s asking.
“I don’t think so.” Picking up my hand, I organize the cards the way I like to have them in my hand. “I don’t know a single man out there who likes to hear his woman mention a threesome with another guy, even joking around. And then, tonight after that call, her ex was here just talking and laughing with her. I didn’t pee on her to mark my territory or anything like that. I’m not a kid.”
“No, you’re not,” Ryder agrees, discarding a card after picking up from the deck. His tone is matter of fact, and I know he’s not sugarcoating anything. “But you are a grown-ass man who knows that a woman like Nia’s gonna have a history. Whether it’s other men that she’s loved or people she jokes with. If you can’t handle that fact, you don’t deserve her, to be honest.” The words hit me hard, but there’s no malice in them. Just the blatant honesty that I’m used to from him.
Ryder’s always been the type to call it like he sees it, and right now, I know he’s speaking the truth. Nia’s past is part of who she is, part of what makes her the woman I fell for. And if I can’t accept that, he’s right. Maybe I’m not the right person for her.
Fuck that.
Nia’s mine.
Then without even looking up, he lays out his entire hand in one go, smiling like he’s just won the lottery. “Rummy.”
“Asshole,” I mutter under my breath, but I grab the cards and start shuffling while I think about his words.
“I don’t care about her past.” I finally settle for something simple and honest.
Ryder shrugs, his eyes piercing mine with a knowing look. “Then what’s it matter if she’s talking to Eddie? Or joking about a threesome with someone I’m assuming is one of your friends. She fits in and stands out at the same time. But she picked you for a reason.”
Dealing the cards, I stare at the abysmal hand I’ve started myself off with. “When the hell did you get so smart when it comes to women?”
Ryder snorts. “You kidding me? My little sister might be the biggest pain in the ass I’ve ever met, but she makes sure I’m not gonna make the same idiotic mistakes that other men make. Even if it means I have to sit by and watch her get hurt because she can handle herself.”
I sense some tension there, but Ryder’s relationship with his sister is a sensitive topic. Not only that, but I’m hardly the person to give him shit about it. I haven’t even seen my parents or siblings since I started dating Nia.
Something I know I’ll have to fix if she doesn’t break up with me for being a jackass, which honestly wouldn’t surprise me.
“I screwed it up,” I tell him when our next hand is over.
“Yeah,” Ryder agrees without even knowing all the specifics. “But you’re in a new relationship. You’re both gonna screw up more than you’re gonna get it right. That’s half the fun of it, I assume. Maybe do something sweet for her to make it up to her.”
I put the last two cards in my hand down on the table and smile as Ryder groans at his loss of the current round.
“Nia doesn’t seem like the kind of woman who wants an actual gift. She’s the kind of person you have to find just the right thing for.”
Ryder shuffles and deals the next hand while I wonder what I can possibly give her that she can’t get for herself or what she may possibly want.
“While you try to figure this out,” Ryder says and takes his turn. “Did you hear about that house fire from last month being ruled arson? The one Nia ran into.”
That is news to me, but with the number of house fires we’ve had over the last few months, I’m not that surprised.
“Yeah,” Ryder goes on after I lay down my cards and discard. “I guess they found multiple artificial accelerants in the house and the mother didn’t have any smoke in her lungs. They ruled her death a homicide.”
“Huh.” My mind races with the potential information and evidence that burned in the fire or was ruined forever by the water we’d pumped into the house. “I wonder who did it and why.”
Ryder finishes his hand. “Rummy.” After counting our points, he smiles brightly. “I win. But back to murder and arson. That’s for the cops and investigators to figure out now, isn’t it?” He puts the deck away and gets up. “We’re just the people who put out the fires, now, aren’t we?”
I follow him through the building and into the bunk room, but there isn’t a single possibility of getting any sleep.
Instead, I have to remind myself over and over that I’m not a cop anymore. Not only that, but I still have to fix whatever I’m breaking with Nia.