Chapter Twenty-One #2
I’ll stand watch and keep the fire burning until one or both of them wakes up, and then, together, we’ll figure out what to do. Then I huddle closer to the fire, Kaelen on one side and Bern on the other, and watch the sun rise higher into the clear, blue sky.
An hour later, the rain starts.
I’ll never admit this in the book I’ll someday write about this horrible journey, but that’s when I start crying. I’ve tried so hard to be brave and determined and fierce, and life keeps slapping me in my already-scarred face.
I can’t let despair completely gut me. I drag myself up off the ground and rush to put the tube carrying my precious freedom back into my pocket.
Then I hurry back over to the trees, where I pile dirt and fallen leaves on the remaining branches, hoping to keep them at least somewhat dry, so I can start another fire when the rain stops.
My clothes, which had finally started to dry, soak through again in seconds.
I have nothing to use to cover Bern or the prince, so I sit and pull them closer until both of their heads are on my lap, cheek to cheek, and I lean forward to keep the worst of the rain off their faces with my body.
The cloak might have come in handy here.
When I start laughing helplessly, I realize I’m still crying, too, because some of the water streaming down my face is warm.
The next several hours are the longest of my life.
This isn’t the warm, gentle rain of summer.
Icy sheets of water attack me like we’re at war and I’m a much-hated enemy.
I’d raise a white flag if I could. Even as the ridiculous thought crosses my mind, thunder crashes nearby, making me jump, and then a brilliant streak of lightning slices through the sky not too far from us.
And there’s not a ravens-begotten thing I can do about any of it.
I can’t run away, because I have to protect Kaelen and Bern. I can’t drag them beneath the trees, because I’ve read that trees actually attract lightning strikes. Something about the sap, maybe?
I can’t believe I’m wondering about goddess-bedamned tree sap when goddess-bedamned lightning is about to crash down on our goddess-bedamned heads. My hand brushes against Kaelen’s cheek, and he turns his face into my palm, almost as if he wants me to stroke his hair.
I almost laugh at how much he reminds me of a kitchen cat that used to make the very same movement anytime I touched his head.
I hunch over farther to escape the pounding rain. Then I close my eyes and shake my head. I’m not in the library. I will not let lightning kill us after everything we’ve been through.
I close my eyes and grit out the mantra that has carried me through so much and hope it will come through for me this time, too.
“Storms pass.
“Pain ends.
“I will never quit.”
I look at Kaelen’s pale, pale face.
“We will never quit, prince. Remember that,” I whisper, hoping that someday, somehow, I’ll be as brave as Captain Wavedancer in truth.
Every muscle in my body aches from tension by the time the thunder and lightning move past us, but it’s not like that brings any respite, because now the rain settles down for a nice, long stay pretty much directly over our heads.
I can’t remember when I’ve ever been colder than this, except maybe at night in winter, sometimes.
At least then I had a blanket on my pallet and I wasn’t soaking wet.
Wet makes it worse.
So much worse.
My teeth chatter so hard I’m afraid they’ll crumble into dust, so I clench my jaw shut, which gives me a pounding headache to go with the pounding rain.
Did I have complaints about scrubbing bookcases?
Because on second thought, it wasn’t so bad, and in fact scrubbing bookcases was wonderful, and dry and warm, and there was food, if not a lot and not frequently, at least the promise of food I didn’t have to catch and clean and cook all by myself in a ravens-begotten rainstorm in the woods.
I keep smoothing the men’s hair back, trying to keep the worst of the water off their faces, but my back aches like someone beat me with a hammer—one of the few beatings I’ve never had, but it’s early days on this journey, right? If that draugr had been carrying a hammer …
No.
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, I tell myself, teeth gritted, muscles aching, mind swirling with hopelessness.
It rains and rains and rains.
When I’m so cold I even stop shivering, I realize dully that this is a very bad sign.
I close my eyes and fight tears, fight despair, fight the seductive promise of the gray fog hovering in the corners of my mind.
It’s nothing like the rosy-colored haze that threatened to overcome me in the cave.
This fog is insidious, heavier than the rain pelting down on me. Heavier than my heart.
You can’t handle this, Soli.
You were never meant for anything like this.
You’re nothing, Soli Graymind.
They can’t expect you to carry this off.
You’ll never succeed.
You’re a nobody.
I focus every ounce of my will on fighting against the Gray.
But it’s vicious and relentless, and I know it’s only a matter of time before I succumb.
At least I tried.