Nineteen
Ara
Two weeks after I agreed to dinner, the night finds me on a date with Sean in one of the finest restaurants in Walius— Soleil . We texted each other a few times, but between our busy careers, Cas moving in, and the party that needed planning, we did not get time to talk much. Sean was extremely understanding about…well, everything.
He seems too good to be true.
“You look beautiful, Ara.”
I blush and look down at the napkin on my lap. He has been throwing random compliments throughout the night. He is doing it on purpose. I see a twinkling mirth in his eyes whenever I’m stunned in surprise at his out-of-the-blue compliments.
“Stop it, Sean,”
I try hard not to blush, but I think my cheeks give it away at the way Sean winks at me. Despite the slight make-up, where I made sure to use blush on my cheeks, they aren’t helping my case.
I look down at my sage green satin dress that hugs my curves just right. The neckline is too deep, showing off more cleavage than I’m comfortable with. Ivy swatted my hand away when I tried to pull it up, saying that she would kill for my boobs and that if I had them, I might as well flaunt them. I argued with her for a solid ten minutes, and she somehow won.
I do look pretty, but not as pretty as Sean claims me to be.
“How is Cas dealing with the move-in? Having any troubles?”
Sean leans in as he asks me the question. He turned out to be a gentleman, thorough and thorough. He is invested in knowing about me and my work and listens intently. He even asked me questions about my research when I went off on a tangent about it. He gained points for that.
“No. He is comfortable, and he is the happiest I’ve ever seen him,” I take a sip of my wine.
It’s been exactly twelve days since the necessary papers got approved and Cas’s welcome home party. Iyra flew in to meet her nephew, and despite his shyness, my little guy got over it once he got to know that she was my sister.
He only warmed up to Ivy recently after her incessant badgering to win him over. I suppose he had always liked her ever since he saw his bedroom and learned that she painted it for him.
Ellie dropped by for a short time, and Harley, the poor woman, couldn’t be in a room filled with strangers no matter how much she tried. She said she gets panic attacks, and I understood and sympathised with her. She wouldn’t stop apologising even after I assured her countless times that it was okay. She was on the video chat for a few minutes before the guests started to come.
Eero and, to my surprise, Nico came as well with a truckload of gifts. They didn’t know what to bring, so they bought everything . I’m having trouble finding space for all the extravagant gifts in my small home. He made a point of saying most of them were from his boss, and I tried my best to stay nonchalant at the mention.
Apart from Iyra, Nico is the only one Cas approached to talk. He asked him something that made the stoic guard smile and ruffle Cas’s hair. Eero tried talking to the kid but failed.
I swear the man spent the rest of the night pouting and complaining that he was more handsome and approachable than Nico and how offended he was that the kid chose his stupid friend over him. His words, not mine.
All in all, it was a good time. It gave me hope that something good awaits me in the future.
“That’s wonderful.”
Sean’s phone rings just then and has him frowning down at the gadget.
“I’m sorry, but I have to take this. It’s the hospital,”
“Please, go ahead,” I take a bite of my Chilean Sea Bass and savour the flavours. It’s so tasty and juicy.
Sean takes the call, and with every second, his frown deepens. It sets a small worry inside my heart. After two minutes, he hangs up and turns to me with an apologetic expression.
“Ara, I’m extremely sorry to do this. But one of my patients could be developing a post-op infection, and I need to go check him.”
“No need to be sorry for that, Sean. We can go,” I start to look for my coat, but he shakes his head at me.
“I just need to check on him. It won’t take long. The hospital is just a ten-minute drive from here. Why don’t you enjoy your food? I promise to be back soon.”
“No, that’s okay. We can do it some other time; you don’t have to rush back,”
His expression turns more pleading, “Please, I insist. I’ve been having a wonderful time with you, and I don’t want it to end. And I’d hate myself if I don’t let you taste their Pistachio Financier before we leave.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” He nods.
“Okay, then. I’ll wait. Take your time,” I smile at him.
He grabs his coat and I look at the handsome man dressed in a rich blue blazer, matching pants and a brown undershirt who looks at me and smiles as if he means every word. And that is the thing with him, he does.
I’ve seen enough people to understand the slight nuances in their expressions. And I can see nothing but genuine affection in him.
So why is it that I don’t feel the butterflies Ivy said she feels when she is with a guy who she likes? And why am I flooded with tsunami waves in there in the presence of a man who shall not even be thought in my mind lest he gets summoned? He is the devil, after all.
“I won’t be long,” Sean promises, his kind eyes glinting before he turns.
The man’s saving lives, for god's sake, I wouldn’t mind waiting for an hour. He waves once he is near the door, and I cannot help myself. I laugh slightly and wave him back. He is cute. He is genuine, warm and everything nice.
He is good for me. He could be right for the direction my life is going towards. The foolish fixation and attraction I have towards Zagan Devlin is a delusion that would shatter and hurt me deeply. I have already been hurt by a man like him, I should know better.
Shoving away unnecessary thoughts, I concentrate on my food and savouring its taste. It does taste amazing with Viognier, and I’m glad that I went with the sommelier’s choice. The man did not disappoint.
The door opens, and because my table faces it, I’m able to see the group which enters.
My eyes catch the man who is being greeted by the ma?tre d’. It takes everything inside me to keep me on my chair and not run out of the restaurant. The fish that tasted decadent before turns sour in my mouth, and I no longer have the taste for the wine as I put down the glass.
The rage that simmers beneath my veins whenever I see him or his stupid face plastered in the papers is a lot. And I’m not the kind that is easily angered.
I can’t help myself.
My eyes follow my ex-boyfriend, Burke Berrett, as he walks with a small group of his friends and the same woman who he used to make a joke out of me. I don’t blame her. She didn’t know the game he was playing. I do blame her for being unnecessarily rude and insulting.
His group of friends remain the same since college: famous, rich and influential. Just like him and his family. That is the reason no one helped me in college. No one could.
I wasn’t a troublemaker in college; neither was I constantly bullied. I was just…invisible. I spent most of my time cramming in the library or the lab, working on my thesis so that I would get accepted into accelerated courses. I spent all my time keeping myself busy and shoving the thoughts of self-harm away from my mind.
Apart from the students finding my name as a topper in all the courses, I wasn’t popular, not like Pearl Montague or her posse. The same woman who is now subtly glaring at the ma?tre d’ as he says something to her about the seating arrangement.
Like all the girls, I harboured a harmless crush on the guy with blue eyes and blond hair who also happened to be the rugby captain. A sport I love. I didn’t act on it, though, as I realised that he was way out of my league.
Once, I saw Burke in the library. He needed help with his Economics paper, and I happened to finish that course the last semester. I saw him struggling, and despite the nerves gripping my limbs, I jotted down some helpful pointers on a piece of paper and left it on his table when he took a break.
I have no idea how he found out that it was me, but he did.
He started following me since then. To my lab, to the library and even to the gardens, where I went to find some peace. He remained unshakable, hell-bent on making me talk and converse, and like a fool, I fell for his charms.
In my defence, the bastard was quite charming, and he was behind me for months until I cracked. We did converse, but only when no one was around. I wasn’t courageous enough to approach him when he was surrounded by his group of popular friends. They were too intimidating, along with being loud-mouthed bullies.
Burke and I started as friends first, and somehow, he slithered into my heart.
He asked me out but never took me out for a proper date. He brought takeout to my lab, and that was our first date. And like a lovesick fool, I lapped at the attention he showed. Didn’t question why he insisted that we date secretly. Didn’t question why he would only kiss me when no one was around.
I even broke my rule of not stepping on the rugby field. For him, because he was nervous about that season’s match. Because I believed his rubbish when he claimed that my presence made him feel better.
What a load of bullcrap.
Even when he saw me sitting on the bleachers, he ignored me. Said nothing when one of his teammates made a joke about the nerd crushing on their captain.
I had to stomp on the hurt, pack my things and walk away. He later came to the lab, kissed me and said he liked that I showed up for his practice. He asked me to come to the match as well but never gave me his jersey to wear.
All the other girlfriends of his teammates did, and they got to sit in the front row, cheering their boyfriends. At the same time, I hung in the back with Ivy, who kept grumbling that he wasn’t right for me. But did I listen?
No.
What a delusional nincompoop I had been.
We continued dating in secret; I allowed him not to acknowledge me in public, and I allowed someone else to wear his jersey. It continued for a year and a half. And I was happy. Despite Ivy and Iyra’s disapproval, I was happy.
That should explain the pathetic state I was in. I was happy that other than my friend and sister, someone gave a damn. That someone found me pretty despite the jarring comments I heard otherwise from the students and also his friends sometimes.
One day, all that happiness shattered when I was confronted by Pearl and her small posse while I was on my way to my Cytology class. She called me slurs, body shamed me into tears and demanded that the scholarship dirt know their place.
I didn’t understand why she was being rude to me when she always ignored my existence. When I told her I didn’t understand what she was talking about, she slapped me across my face, her nail splitting my skin and drawing blood.
It was then I knew that Burke was her boyfriend, and someone told her that they had seen me kissing him the day before.
Burke and his friends reached the fight, but by that time, I had gone off the rails. Like a fool, I claimed that he was my boyfriend and she was spouting a load of bull. I fought in the corridor, letting go of any modicum of self-respect.
I fought over a worthless guy , and that is still one of my biggest regrets.
Pearl went to Burke and demanded that he solve the dispute right then and there.
And the man looked me straight in the eyes and told me that he was only humouring me the day before because he felt sorry for me. That he threw me a bone after I pined after him for months because he felt sorry for me.
He turned me into a joke in front of the whole campus.
With my dignity ripped in shreds, I walked away, tears streaking down my cheeks. One of Pearl’s friends went so far as to throw some sticky juice on me that seeped into my clothes. All the while, Burke stood there, watching and doing nothing. Not until Ivy appeared and threatened to rip out the eyes of anyone who dared to touch me again.
I ran away, hiding in one of the labs. Apart from the professor who worked on the research, students weren’t privy about it, and no one knew that I had access to it. I spent the whole day rotting in there, questioning everything.
Burke somehow found where I was hiding.
He apologised profusely. He went so far as to take care of the wound on my cheek. He was on his knees, explaining that if he hadn’t done what he had done, I would be walking with a target on my back. That Pearl and every one of her friends would make my life a living hell.
He explained how she was jealous that I was getting the attention he never gave her and a bunch of nonsense that hurts even to think of.
But at that time, as a woman who was starved of affection and love, I lapped at his words. The woman who felt worthless carrying her baggage was moved to see the college heartthrob on his knees in front of her. So I gave in.
I let him touch me; I let him hold me as I cried in his hands and told him that I could bear anything but not seeing him belong to someone else. I told him that I was ready to continue keeping this private, but he wasn't allowed anywhere near Pearl or any of her friends.
He agreed. He promised that he wanted no one else but me.
And like a fool, I trusted him. I gave him my heart. I told him that I loved him. I gave him my first of many, including my body. He took it unapologetically. And come morning, he said he needed to go home to freshen up.
I went back to the dorms and told Ivy everything that happened. Despite the anger, she said she would be happy if I was sure about him. I was dumb enough to tell her that I was sure.
Only for me to be shattered. Again.
As Ivy and I were walking back towards our classes, I saw Burke kissing Pearl and asking her out to the annual ball. The same ball, he promised that he wouldn’t attend and instead spend the night with me.
The dream shattered. It hurt; it hurt so much that breathing became tough, but I carried forward. I walked past them, into my class and decided to pretend that he never existed. Decided that enough was enough. I had to respect myself enough to walk away from a guy who wasn’t worth a speck of my attention or time, no matter how much it hurt.
I changed the code to the labs I worked in. I stopped frequenting the places he knew I would go to because my phone was blaring up with his calls and texts. I didn’t even open the messages, not having the energy to deal with his cockamamie bullcrap. He tried confronting me in front of my classrooms, in the cafeteria, or any place he could after weeks of me not talking to him.
If my heart wasn’t shattered, I would’ve fallen for the desperation in his eyes every time he saw me. The man who refused to acknowledge me in front of an audience went so far as to seek me out in front of them. I was beyond giving a hoot about it, though.
After a month, his acts of desperation reached the heights of bullying and torment. He made his friends scare me at every corner. He tried getting me off of the research teams I worked so hard getting into. He was successful in a few, but in others, I was too important to be kicked out.
Body shaming, sneers of being a joke, being good for nothing, being trash etc etc. They bullied me to the point of self-destruction. It drove me to cut myself, and I woke up in the hospital with Ivy and Iyra, who looked so distraught that I wanted to kill myself again. I would rather not think about the discussion that happened after I woke up.
I decided that I needed to get out of the university, but I didn’t want to jeopardise my studies. I worked so hard for everything I had achieved.
When I put in a request, I was transferred to the offshore campus that is home to the brilliant who show promising research ideas. I was taken in by one of the professors working there, Dr Timothy Reeds. Even with the insane amount of money Burke has, he couldn’t reach me there. Not when he didn’t have the intelligence to back him up.
It took some time for me to come out of the destructive path I’d shoved myself into, but I managed to defeat the urge to inflict self-harm and starve myself.
Burke Berrett made my life a living hell in more than one way. He broke me, turned me into this ball of insecurity and acted to intensify my already existing trust issues. I don’t wish harm on others, but I wish the man burns in hell for everything he did to me.
I have half a mind to get the heck out of here, but I stay put.
I refuse to give him the satisfaction of seeing me run. I’m here with a man who wants to be here with me. Who likes me and is interested in me.
Why should I let go of having a good time because of him? And also, the chances of him seeing me in this huge place are very slight.
I shouldn’t have thought that.
Because a moment later, his eyes wander, and they land right on me.
And despite myself, I shudder at the malicious grin that erupts on his face as he struts towards me.