Nosfer-Meet You (Femme Fatale Monsters #4)

1. Scotty

Scotty

AS GOOD A PLACE AS ANY

Looks like I’m drunk off my ass again.

Instead of propping my sorry ass up in a corner with a bottle of warm O-positive, which is what good friends would do, they throw me onto the stage in front of hundreds of strangers.

Someone shoves a microphone into my hand.

Godsdamn, everything is blurry. I can’t make out individual faces in the crowd.

Hell, I'm not even sure if my nose is still attached to my face thanks to all the liquor I guzzled down.

It definitely feels like it fell off, though.

“Sing, fucker!” someone in the crowd yells.

Oh, gods. Sing? Seriously? I’m not even sure I can right now, but better give the public what they want, right?

I clear my throat and nearly retch on my boots, but then swallow the bile back down.

All right. They want a show, do they? Then I’ll give ’em a show.

One they won’t forget. I lift the mic to my parched lips and…

Nothing comes out.

I look out at the sea of faces all muddled together in the liquor-soaked warehouse basement and try to remember where I even am. Which club is this? Nocturne? River Styx?

FuckifIknooooow. Gods, I need to clear my mind somehow before I wobble off the stage. Not the kind of stage diving I’m into.

Someone in the back of the room screams something that sounds suspiciously like “loser” mixed with an unfortunate string of insults so colorful even I wouldn’t repeat them, which is saying something.

And then someone wrenches the microphone out of my hands and slaps a palm on my back. As drunk as I am, even I can tell it’s not a friendly gesture and I swivel around to glare at whoever was bold enough to touch me.

“Watch the leather jacket,” I mutter, my words tumbling out of my mouth in a slur, but I can’t actually remember if I’m wearing the damn thing anymore.

A tall guy built like a brick house shoves me away, and the crowd cheers again.

My friends are nowhere to be found. They probably left once they realized my sorry ass was too far gone, like last night and every sodding night before that.

As I push my way through the crowd, searching desperately for the nearest bathroom to puke in, I have a moment of clarity.

A spark so brief it’s basically a firefly of a thought.

Maybe you should slow down, buddy. Sober up. Spend your undeath a little more wisely.

Hah. Yeah, right. Like that’ll ever happen.

I was turned forty-one years ago, hot on the heels of my twenty-seventh birthday in Leeds.

Those first few years were literal torture as I tried to navigate my vampiric infancy the best I could without my sire to guide me.

He came, ate his fill, accidentally turned me, then left.

I’ve had beer-soaked hookups more intimate than that.

Didn’t leave a business card or a number, either, so I have no way of getting in touch with him.

I subsisted on transients and other invisible people for a few years. Not my proudest moments. Those people didn’t deserve to die. But I didn’t deserve to die, either. It’s not like I was what you’d call a productive member of society or anything, but I wasn’t a bad person, dammit. I had a life.

Even had family. A useless family who hated me, but still.

Now they’re … are they even still alive?

They went no-contact with me long before I was turned, so it doesn’t matter much.

It’s not as though they’d care what happened to me.

Maybe they’d even be relieved, knowing I would never darken their doorstep again to ask for rent money.

But undeath? It’s just cruel, this existence, and I wouldn’t wish it on anybody.

You’re alive, but not really. Circling the drain for the rest of eternity until one of the Helsings finally stakes you or you desiccate in a crypt somewhere in Italy because you’re too tired of “living.” A holiday in Italy sure sounds nice, though.

Too bad I have no money for plane tickets, let alone a six pack of beer.

After stumbling around in the dark, dirty hallway for ages, I finally come across a door labeled as Men.

I snort, because… that’s just funny, considering this is a vampire club.

No one living comes here anymore since we took over this part of town a decade ago.

Labeling the loo anything other than “blood sucking twats” is stupid. It is, however, a place to piss.

Okay, this is probably as good a place as any to puke my guts out. I throw my shoulder into the door and stumble to the mirror to check my reflection, then let out a bark of laughter.

Bloomin’ ’eck, Scotty boy, you can’t even remember you haven’t had a reflection since the eighties. Never drinking this much ever again.

How many times have I told myself that, though? And then I’m right back here, drinking until I’m puking my brains out for the millionth time. Famous last words an’ all that.

I step into one of the disgusting stalls and try to ignore the strange brown goo clinging to the corner next to the toilet.

The throbbing of the bass outside reverberates, but within the confines of the stall it’s almost blissfully quiet.

Thank the Seven Gods for that. My skull feels like it’s about to implode from this week’s bad decision parade.

But that’s all ruined when a chorus of screams pulls me out of my drunken stupor.

Instinctively, I jump onto the toilet and double-check that I locked the door as the screams grow in intensity. What’s going on out there? These aren’t fun screams. They’re rife with terror, the kind you only hear when—

The door to the restroom flies open, and a crescendo of noise smashes through. My eyes widen as a hoard of people stampede into the toilets. Their shrill screams are murder on my eardrums, but there’s no time to worry about that right now.

“Holy fuck,” I breathe, and crouch down on the porcelain rim of the toilet, placing my hands and arms over my head like I’m in an airplane safety demonstration.

My stall door rattles. They’re trying to get in. Thankfully, Sugardove City’s toilet stalls are like Europe’s—no gaps to crawl under, unlike Stateside, otherwise I’d probably have a bigger problem than the noise.

“Let us in! Please!” A woman screeches bloody murder. My mouth goes dry as I instinctively brush the door handle with my fingertips.

For a second, I’m tempted to unlock the door and let her in. But then a man roars behind her, “Open the fucking door, you fucking moron! We’re going to die!”

Yeah, no. On second thought, I’m not going to open the door. They’ll probably snap my neck the second they get inside, and I haven’t survived this long on sheer luck alone. I shrink myself into a pathetic ball and rock back and forth on the toilet as the screams echo off the tiles.

Someone whimpers as they drop to the ground. The sound of whistling air catches my attention and makes me lift my head. Then there’s a whooshy-woo sound, punctuated with cries of anguish.

Arrows—no, bolts. Crossbows.

Someone is killing us. Someone is out there firing crossbow bolts, and I’m trapped inside this toilet stall with nowhere to run or hide.

There’s only one group I know of that carries crossbows instead of guns. Only one group that can take out a vampire nest so methodically like this. The Helsings. A sick and twisted organization funded by Sugardove City’s government to eradicate all vampire activity in the city.

If only they knew how many monsters actually lived in their precious city, maybe they’d reconsider their tactics.

Or maybe they’d up the ante and try to take us all out until only their sweet little humans were left.

Who knows? Humans these days are impossible to predict.

They’re volatile, emotional, and they’d never admit it …

but I swear they’re more bloodthirsty than us vamps are.

“Check all the stalls,” a man barks.

I can’t stop trembling. Eventually, the screams die, along with everyone inside the toilets. My stomach drops once I realize I’m probably the only vampire still in here that hasn’t been turned to ash.

One of the Helsings kicks the stall door at the end of the row, and it flies open. Then he goes to the next, and that one also slams open with a bang that makes me flinch.

They’re three stalls away from mine. I’m toast. No, I’m worse than toast. I’m three seconds away from becoming a puff of smoke. Just a memory.

When a vampire is staked, we turn to ash immediately.

There’s no time to scream, cry, or beg for our unlives.

It’s just—poof, you’re gone. Like you never even existed.

Maybe when I was alive I should have donated more to charity, or volunteered at the soup kitchen or something.

Maybe I should have listened to my mother for two seconds and tried to get my high school diploma instead of dropping out.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. So many regrets.

All my life decisions from birth until now have led me to this damn toilet stall where I am about to die a sad, pitiful, final death.

When the Helsing moves in front of my stall, my throat tightens. This is it. End of the line. I force myself to sit up straight on the toilet. Look, if I’m going to meet my true end, I’m going to at least stare it straight in the face, not cower like some bitch on the porcelain throne. Hell, no.

But when the Helsing is about to kick my stall, the door to the toilets slams open again.

“All units topside,” a man’s guttural voice barks.

“We haven’t cleared this room yet,” the man outside my stall protests. A shiver runs down my spine. There you go, Scotty. Finally, in the right place at the right time! If you’re going to shit yourself, you’re already on the toilet! I am such a dumbass.

“Doesn’t matter. Commander wants us topside. Now.” The other man’s voice comes out like a steel blade, sharp and lethal. I’m ready for this nightmare to be over, so if they want to leave … then cool, cool.