Chapter 19 #2
And if his hand slipped up under her shirt one more time, she was going to get a lot more than my input. She was going to get a show. Two idiots fist-fighting like we were in a bar. And I fully intended to come out as the winner.
“Whatcha doing?” Silas whispered, suddenly next to me. I hadn’t realized he’d finished his loop. Or that I’d completely left the spear throw and was now standing twenty feet behind Knox like a self-proclaimed obstacle course judge.
I scratched my forehead. “Uh. Knox is teaching her how to do the rings,” I said as if it wasn’t obvious.
“Yes,” he agreed. “And why are you standing here watching when you’re supposed to be running?”
I scratched my jaw. “Because.”
“Because?”
“I don’t want to leave him alone with her, Tweedledee,” I seethed. He knew how Knox was with women.
“Well, Tweedledum. You can’t have it both ways. You don’t get to dump her, treat her like gum on the bottom of your shoe, and then hover like a jealous boyfriend. That’s not how that works. You have to pick. And from what she said earlier, I think being her boyfriend is now off the table.”
I glared at him. “And you’re here talking to me when you should be running, why?”
“Because you look a little dangerous and I want to make sure you don’t get your butt handed to you after you tackle Knox to the ground.”
I snorted. “Whatever.”
“C’mon little brother. Whatdya say you make your first smart decision of the day and we take a lap before you go all fisticuffs and get half your teeth knocked out? Mom and Dad paid a lot for that pretty smile.”
“No.” My jaw clenched. “I’m not leaving her alone with him.”
He sighed and stayed put.
The next time Knox caught her, my fists balled and I blew out my breath, trying to burn holes into his skull with my glare.
“Yo, Knox,” Silas called with an under-the-breath chuckle. He tipped his head for Knox to come to us. “I’m going to save you from your stupid self,” he muttered as Knox walked over. “Go,” he ordered, tipping his head toward Christy who was dangling from the second ring.
I caught her just as she dropped. She looked up at me, surprised and then she shrunk back right before I set her on her feet.
“Hey.” I caught her by the hand and pulled her against my chest. Her almond-shaped eyes, which were normally two cupid-arrows, harpooning me and pulling me in, turned to fire. “I’m sorry I acted like—”
“A total jerk?” Her voice shook.
“Yes. Chris, I’m so sorry.” I rubbed my thumb over her knuckles and squeezed my eyes shut for a split second.
When she didn’t move, I slid a hand around her waist and pulled her against me, breathing her in.
I needed that honey-scented shampoo to fill my nostrils, and when it did, peace filled my chest. And for once I let it stay.
But just as I was about to square her hips with mine, she stepped out of my arms, her brow puckering.
“No. I meant what I said. I’m done. No more yanking me around like a yo-yo.
I need a very long break from men.” She shook her head, lips pursed like she was puzzling something out in her mind.
“The ones I keep picking are always in love with somebody else.”
My entire body tensed. “I’m not in love with somebody else. What are you talking about?” Didn’t she know she was the first woman I’d loved in…forever?
She crossed her arms, lips twisted. “I’m pretty sure you are.”
My mind was blown and my ribcage felt like it was being cranked in a vice. “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t you mean, who?” She stepped up and put a hand on my arm, eyes boring into me. “Savannah, Holden.”
I stiffened, feeling like someone had ripped all my clothes off with a hard yank. Completely exposed. “How do you know about her?”
She stared at me for two uncomfortable seconds, but I already knew. Silas and Lemon. Her hand moved over and pressed against the center of my chest. “The question is, why didn’t you tell me about her?”
I blinked, no words, my heart crawling into my throat.
She held my gaze. “You’re in love with her still. And that’s okay. But don’t you think I deserve someone who loves me more than anyone else? Someone who isn’t always keeping me at arm’s length because their heart is already taken?”
I opened my mouth but I couldn’t talk.
She balled my shirt in her fist. “I wish someone loved me so much that they would give up an entire decade of relationships just to keep me locked in a vault in the deepest part of their heart.” Her hands flew out.
“Or never kiss another woman first because if they did, it would be a betrayal of that love.” Her head cocked, her gaze so intense.
“I want that. All of it. And I’m going to get it or I want nothing at all.
And if that means that I wait until I’m seventy before I find that kind of love, then that’s what it means.
But I’m not settling. Not anymore. Not now that I know what love actually feels like. ”
From the first line, her words were a knife, digging deeper and deeper into my chest. But the fact that she now knew real love because of what we’d felt for each other, and I was going to lose her because I’d been such a heel, was the final stab.
Her eyes turned down, full of pity. “Maybe another woman would be okay with sharing your heart. But I’m not. Call it selfish if you want.” She shrugged. “Then I’m selfish.”
She stepped back, a goodbye in her eyes.
The panic of earlier rushed me like a tidal wave.
“Christy.” My hands shot out, cupping the back of her elbows. “I love y—”
Her fingers pressed to my lips. “No. Don’t. Don’t you dare say that to me right now.”
I knew what she meant. Don’t say it out of desperation. Or manipulation. At that moment, I hated that I’d almost done that. But I did love her. Deliriously. Shouldn’t she know that?
As if she’d read my mind she said, “Actions speak so much louder than words. And yours are deafening.” She squeezed my biceps and gave me one last look. “You can’t keep us both and you won’t let her go. So this is goodbye, Holden.”
Then she walked over, picked up her keys and her phone, and disappeared down the trail.
And I stood there watching, like a paralyzed mute. Because she was right. She deserved all of that.
And I wasn’t ready to give it to her.
Not yet.