Chapter 23 - Randy
“Fine! You know what!” Craig growled from outside the door. “Don’t talk! Just be miserable without attempting to fix it! Shut me out! But, damnit, don’t shut out Russy! He’s out here wondering why he’s not allowed to go to you. That’s a real asshole move.”
My fingernails bit into my palms as I attempted to stop trembling. The floor under my ass and the solid wood door at my back did nothing to lessen the feeling that I was a leaf caught in a storm.
Pounding footsteps as he stomped downstairs and across my living room.
I waited for the slam—for the sound that my alpha was walking out of my life… again.
It didn’t come.
I strained my ears—trying to hear Craig’s truck over the sound of my beating heart.
There was no engine roar.
My pulse in my ears… skittering branches along the sides of my cabin… the background drone of electricity.
Russy’s confused whine from outside the bedroom, a scratch at the door, then the jingle of his tags as he went downstairs.
I pulled my knees to my chest and rested my forehead on them.
“I love you…”
Three words, but they summoned the ghosts of every time they’d been said to me before.
I squeezed my eyes shut before tears could fall.
Why now? What did it mean?
How long until I lost him?
Had another omega already caught his eye? Was I just a bed-warmer until he could get the next man?
Did he want something?
I sucked in a breath as I started shaking again.
My alpha…
I wanted more time. The cabin felt empty the nights he didn’t stay. It was so comfortable in his arms.
How long until I lost him?
I wasn’t ready.
The tears fell, unable to be contained.
My alpha…
Some part of me had dared to hope—to believe that it would be different. That he was different. But it was the same pattern: date for a few months, a declaration of love… then the demands would start.
Or the guilt…
The silent betrayals that—of course—would never happen because… they loved me.
I shuddered.
It was happening again.
A memory floated to the top of my roiling emotions: Craig, unable to contain his panic and protective scent as he wrapped my injured arm.
Another: him giving me the yellow leaf and telling me that it was the first.
The way he always kissed the same spot on my shoulder whenever he hugged me from behind.
Harrison… “He’s got it bad, but it’s sweet. It seems like just spending time with you is enough.”
Kerry telling me that he was different, asking, “...how would you feel if things were reversed and he was always hiding you?”
Craig… eyes wide after he’d said those words, voice desperate, “Talk to me… Please.”
My body shook with the need to both run to him and from him.
My alpha…
I sat there—frozen—until my shivers were less from my warring emotions than from the chill that had seeped into the room.
My muscles complained about how I’d been sitting, and my fingertips were cold.
I slowly got to my feet. It was dark, but muscle memory would carry me to the bed.
But Craig was still down there. I’d never heard him leave. Was he pacing, ready to explode?
I let out a shuddering breath. There wasn’t a lock on the door. Craig hadn’t tried to force his way in before, but…
My fingernails dug into my palms again. I had to man up and tell him to go.
It was better to end things now, when the hurt would be manageable, than watch him leave with another omega on his arm in a few months.
I couldn’t do it again. He meant too much.
I pressed the heels of my palms to my eyes and wiped away the tears.
I turned to the door and cracked it open.
Silence. Not even the sound of footfalls on the wooden floor.
I eased the door open a bit more—until I could step through it. I crossed the strip of loft between the bedroom wall and the railing, then looked into the living room below.
My resolve to tell Craig to leave shattered.
Instead of the angry brooding alpha I’d been expecting, he was asleep on the couch in what had to be one of the most uncomfortable positions—half sitting, with one foot on the floor, the other leg on the cushions, and his body twisted so his arms were on the back, head resting on top.
On his lap… the blanket we’d been cuddled under during the movie.
And Russy… He was doing his best to stay on his designated plaid blanket and provide comfort at the same time. His head rested on Craig’s foot.
I started toward the landing and was about halfway to the stairs when a floorboard creaked underneath my feet. Russy lifted his head, ears, and eyes on me.
Craig stirred, but didn’t seem to wake.
I made it most of the way down the stairs when one of the stairs popped.
Craig jolted, and his eyes cracked open. A smile started to cross his face, his eyelids still heavy with sleep. Then his memory caught up with him. The smile fell, his eyes darkened, and his jaw tightened.
My heart ached at the change in expression.
I took the final few steps down and then stopped at the bottom. I crossed one arm over my chest and held the opposite elbow.
Time seemed to stop as we stared at each other.
I jumped at a loud pop from one of the logs in the woodstove.
Russy hopped down from the couch, padded over, and nosed the hand dangling at my side.
Craig’s expression softened. “You look exhausted.”
He shifted to create a space for me, took the blanket in one hand, and opened his arms.
My feet were rooted to the floor. Every instinct wanted me to go to him, while my brain kept screaming that it was a trap.
His arms faltered, and he started to lower them.
Russy nosed my hand again.
Something deep inside recognized the gesture for what it was: an invitation, not a demand.
Instinct won. My feet carried me to him.
My alpha’s arms were safe. He would hold me.
I settled into the V between his legs, face pressed to his chest.
Craig’s arms wrapped around me, draping the blanket over both of us. He leaned in and ran his nose through my hair. One hand was firm against my waist, the other rubbed small circles on my back.
The pounding of my heart started to slow, then the tension started to leave my muscles. He held me… silent… supportive… until I finally—fully—slumped against him.
Craig kissed my hair. “Feel better?” he murmured.
I nodded into his chest.
“Good.”
The hand rubbing circles paused, but the one around my waist tightened. “Randy, I’m going to be honest. I’m still angry.”
I stiffened and squirmed.
He held me tight and kissed my hair again. “Shh,” he soothed. “Just listen.”
My heart started pounding again.
“Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh,” he tried. “You’re ok. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. But I need you to understand my side.”
I curled my fingers into his shirt and forced my heartbeat back under control.
“That’s it,” he murmured after several seconds. “See? You’re good.”
He waited for several more seconds, then nuzzled my hair.
“I understand you have a bad past,” he started. “There were clues even before you allowed me to start courting you. And I’m sure you guessed that Jessie talked to me about it the day I met her.”
I took a breath, then nodded into his chest.
“Beautiful Randy,” he said softly. “I’m ok going at your pace. I want you to not just feel safe, but know that you’re safe. I don’t want you, even for a minute, questioning my feelings toward you.”
He took a deep breath.
“I get that you don’t want to talk about the past. I’m ok with that. But there are times when I need you to meet me halfway. If you never talk about it, then I don’t know what’s off-limits.”
“I…” I started.
“Shhh,” he said, kissing my hair again. “In a minute. I need to get it out, then we can talk.”
I let out a long breath and nodded.
He squeezed me to his chest. “You mean so much to me.”
He took a deep breath. “There is a phrase: ‘hurt people hurt people.’ Have you heard it?”
I nodded again.
“I know you didn’t mean to, but you hurt me tonight.
” He paused as he started rubbing my back again.
“I understand that I said something that hurt you, and I’m sorry for that.
I really am. But I can’t take it back, either.
I spoke my truth, and I had no way of knowing that it was going to touch such a deep pain in you. ”
I felt the motion in his jaw as he swallowed. “The way you panicked wasn’t what hurt. I know you can’t control reactions like that. It’s how you shut me out after that. I wanted to talk—to understand what I’d done wrong.”
Another deep breath. “When I first started courting you, I knew there was something. But I was blindfolded as to what it was. Then Jessie told me some of what she knew. She told me I was in the middle of an emotional minefield. But at least the blindfold was gone.”
He kissed my hair. “But Randy, that minefield has had years of overgrowth. The outward scars are hard, if not impossible to see, and I’m going to stumble as I try to find my way to you. You’re used to walking through it. You might not know what triggers each one, but you know where they are.”
He sighed and rested his head against mine.
“I’m not demanding a map—it might be too painful for you.
But I am asking that when I accidentally trip over a mine, that you don’t treat me like it was intentional.
I need you to understand that I’m going to make mistakes.
The solution isn’t to shut me out, but to help me understand so that I don’t hurt you again. ”
He kissed my hair. “I’m sorry I hurt you, Beautiful Randy.”
I sucked in a breath, then released it a few seconds later when no ‘but’ came—when there was no attempt to make it my fault. There was no excuse that I was overreacting or that I was too sensitive.
“I can’t take it back… I spoke my truth…”
I squeezed my eyes shut, and the shivers started again—this time out of fear.
“Randy?”
I pushed up from his chest, and he seemed to understand that I needed that bit of space as he let me go.
I sat on the edge of the couch, elbows on my thighs and hands clasped between my knees. My breathing was shallow as I tried to control my warring emotions.