Chapter 21
Julia
“We’re just having fun. There’s nothing to report. We aren’t in a relationship.”
Chris’s words played in my head on repeat as I headed back to the shelter. The more I replayed them, the more hurtful they became. Was that how she really felt? She’d seemed pretty confident in her answers.
I thought we were moving towards something – living together, getting married, maybe having a family someday – but apparently I was wrong. God, I was such an idiot. Chris was the one who wanted us to move from being friends with benefits to girlfriends. I thought that meant something.
Not that we’d talked about our feelings.
That was on both of us of course. I was deeply, hopelessly in love with her, but it seemed too early to say those words, so I’d kept it to myself.
Thank God. It would have been even more embarrassing if I declared my love and Chris had to tell me she didn’t feel the same way.
When I got back to my desk Gina’s email confirming our conversation was in my inbox. I dropped my head down onto the top of my desk with a deep sigh, then gently banged my forehead against it a few times just for good measure.
“Bad day, boss?”
I looked up as Robbie came into my office looking concerned.
“I’m fine,” I lied. “Just a headache.”
“I’m sure banging your head on your desk is helping,” she teased. “Why don’t you go home early? I can handle things here.”
I wasn’t one to shirk my responsibility, but suddenly the idea of staying here any longer felt overwhelming.
“Yeah, that’s a good idea, thanks.”
I paused then said, “Um, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Have you, uh, have you heard any rumors about me lately?”
Robbie smirked. “You mean about you and Chris Robbins from the employment program being in a relationship?”
My mouth dropped open in shock. “What? How?”
“I’m sorry to tell you it’s all over the agency. People are saying you two were having sex in a closet over at the training center, but I told them there’s no way you would do that. You’re too much of a professional.”
“I did not have sex in a closet,” I said carefully.
“Just made out?” she said cheerfully. “Chris is the person you’ve been dating for the last few months, right? Or is this new?”
“Yes, confidentially, we’ve been… uh, dating,” I admitted. “You know what, I think I will go home now.”
Robbie took the hint and stood up. “For what it’s worth, Chris is a great woman, and you’ve seemed happier the last few months, more settled. I hope it works out between you two.”
Her kind words felt like a knife to the gut.
“Thanks. Have a good weekend.”
“You too.”
As I walked out of my office my phone buzzed with a message from Chris. Not even bothering to read it, I turned off my phone. Whatever she wanted to say now, it didn’t matter. She’d been clear about where we stood. Now I wanted to just go home and lick my wounds.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought maybe I was overreacting.
Maybe Chris’s words hadn’t been the renunciation they seemed.
Maybe her words had been a kneejerk reaction.
But I couldn’t stop focusing on how it felt to hear her saying that I meant nothing to her.
It had brought up all the feelings of inadequacy I’d had, all the feelings of being too much for people, never being good enough.
I made a quick stop at the grocery store to pick up anything I’d need for the weekend, then went home. It was only two o’clock in the afternoon, but I put on my pajamas, poured myself a glass of wine, and settled in front of the TV to watch something that suited my mood: Anne of Green Gables.
Reclining on the couch, I watched as Anne fought with Gilbert, and then when Matthew died, I finally let go of the tight hold I had on my emotions.
I’d always been this way. It was hard for me to cry when something went wrong unless I watched something sad.
Then under the guise of crying over the movie I could let my emotions flow.
And they did flow. I sobbed through the remainder of the movie.
When I woke up Saturday morning I felt like shit.
The combination of junk food, too much red wine, and crying had given me a fierce migraine.
The fact that the weather was dark and dreary didn’t help my mood.
I took some migraine meds – the kind that I only took when things were bad – and spent most of the day in bed sleeping.
By the time Sunday rolled around my head was feeling better, even if my heart wasn’t.
I dragged myself out of bed, made a pot of coffee and some toast, and sat at the kitchen table to check my phone.
There were multiple messages from Chris, including one telling me that she was coming over to talk.
That was followed by another message thirty minutes later stating that she assumed I wasn’t home since I didn’t answer the door.
I’d been so out of it from my meds I hadn’t heard a thing.
With a sigh, I decided to respond.
Julia: I just saw all your messages. I was in bed all day yesterday with a migraine.
Chris answered immediately.
Chris: Are you okay? I’m really sorry about what happened in Gina’s office. I don’t know why I said what I did. I panicked.
Julia: It’s fine. All for the best, really. We had fun but I think this thing between us has run its course anyway.
Chris: No. Julia, please. I didn’t mean it when I said we were just having fun, I swear. I should have told Gina that you were my girlfriend. It was a stupid mistake.
Julia: I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and you and I will never work. It’s probably good this happened now before one of us caught feelings.
Chris: You don’t mean that. This thing we’ve had has been good. Really good. I love being your girlfriend.
Julia: We were playing with fire making out at work like that. My job is really important to me, and I know yours is important to you too. It’s not healthy for us to be this into each other.
Chris: It’s healthy if it’s love.
I grabbed my stomach as a shot of pain moved through me.
It’s the kind of thing that I’d wanted to hear from her.
I’d struggled to figure out how Chris felt, if she was falling for me the way I was falling for her.
But that didn’t change the fact that we’d both acted inappropriately, risking our jobs.
My intense feelings for her weren’t healthy.
And it didn’t change the fact that when we were questioned, the first thing Chris did was deny that I meant anything to her. It was clear the feelings went one way.
Julia: I think it’s for the best if we stop seeing each other. Let’s just be friends.
Chris: I can’t be friends with you.
Julia: Then I guess I’ll just see you at work.
Chris: Can we talk in person? Please. I need to fix this.
Julia: We had fun, but it’s time to move on. It’s best for both of us.
I watched as the bubbles came and went a couple of times on the screen, but when Chris didn’t respond again, I breathed a sigh of relief. As much as I loved her, it was obvious that our relationship wasn’t as strong as it needed to be. We’d both find someone else – eventually. I was sure of it.
The next week was hard. There was no way around it.
I missed my girlfriend. I missed Chris. I didn’t hear from her again, and other than seeing her in an online work meeting, we had no contact.
That just reinforced that I’d made the right decision.
If she had any feelings for me she wouldn’t have given up so easily.
And I was fine. Well, mostly. I’d get over her eventually. Sure, I missed her, but I’d been single for a long time before I was with Chris. I knew how to do this.
What I didn’t know how to do was deal with my mother.
Chris and I had been broken up for a little more than a week when her name came up during my monthly dinner with my parents. Of course her name came up. It always did, ever since my mother had found us in bed together.
“How’s Chris?” Mom asked eagerly almost the minute I sat down at the dining room table. “You should have brought her for dinner.”
“We broke up.”
Mom dropped her fork to her plate with a clatter. “What? Her mother hasn’t said a word about it.”
I shrugged. “Maybe she doesn’t know. It’s pretty recent.”
“Why’d you break up?”
I was surprised that the question came from my father. He normally didn’t comment on my personal life or participate in my mother’s interrogations. Then again, he really liked Chris and seemed happy that we were dating.
“It just ran its course,” I said with a shrug. “We were in different places, and we want different things in a relationship.”
Dad sent me a concerned look, then he said something that shocked me. “That’s too bad. I thought you two were good together. You seemed happy.”
“She certainly knew all about your little ADHD thing,” Mom sniffed.
She was still annoyed that I’d never told her about my diagnosis. I was fairly certain she’d done some research or talked to someone about it because unlike that day she first heard about it, she now seemed to accept my neurodivergence as a fact.
“Well, if you’re not going to be with Chris--.”
Dad interrupted her. “She’s going to need some time before you start with your matchmaking again, Jeannie. Right Julia?”
“Yeah,” I said, hearing the sadness in my voice. “It’s only been a couple of days since we broke up and to be honest, I’m not over Chris yet.”
It was possible I never would be, though I didn’t share that fact.
“I’ll give you some time to grieve then,” Mom said. “Or maybe you two will get back together?”
“We won’t,” I told her.
The truth was, I wasn’t just upset about what Chris said in Gina’s office.
The more I’d thought about it, I believed her when she said that she panicked.
But I also was pretty sure that she blurted the first thing that came to her mind, and the first thing was that we were just having fun. Not serious.
We’d moved too fast, I realized. We’d fallen into a relationship neither of us was ready for. A relationship that had us dry humping each other in closets at work. That wasn’t healthy. We were grown women, not horny kids.
And if we did stay together, we’d have to do a disclosure with HR.
Our relationship would impact any project that we worked on together.
People would always be watching us, wondering if we were treating each other differently or doing something inappropriate.
I loved my job, and I knew Chris did too.
Risking our careers and reputations would be incredibly stupid.
A little voice in the back of my mind questioned if this was about work at all, or if my real issue was that I was afraid to be loved. If I doubted that I deserved a real relationship.
I told that voice to shut up.