Chapter 129
My lips met his in a clumsy, desperate rush. There was nothing graceful about it, and I wasn't trying to be romantic. I only wanted to pull him back from whatever darkness had stolen him away.
His lips were cool and completely still beneath mine.
He didn't react.
Please... please wake up.
My heart pounded so hard that I could hear it in my ears. I kept my lips against his for another second, my fingers tightening around the fabric of his robes as I silently begged this ridiculous plan to work.
Then I felt it.
The tension in his body slowly began to melt away. His ragged breathing steadied, his muttering stopped, and the rigid stillness of his lips softened.
Before I could pull away, strong arms slipped around my waist and drew me against him.
I gasped softly into the kiss.
The sudden warmth of his embrace caught me completely off guard.
His lips moved against mine with a gentleness that made my heart skip.
The hurried desperation I'd started with slowly disappeared beneath the quiet, unhurried way he kissed me back.
Every brush of his lips was careful, almost hesitant, as though he were making sure I was really there.
One of his hands rested against the small of my back, holding me securely, while the other slowly slid up to the back of my neck, his fingers slipping into my hair. The touch was so tender that it sent a shiver straight through me, melting away the last stubborn remnants of my panic.
Without realizing it, my grip on his robes loosened. My shoulders relaxed, and my eyes drifted shut as I found myself returning the kiss. Our lips met again and again in slow, unhurried brushes, each one softer than the last, until I forgot why I'd kissed him in the first place.
Oh damn. I had just confessed my love to an illusion of a dead Rhaevan, and now I was kissing the real one.
Wait...
I'm kissing him?!
The realization hit me like a physical blow.
Shit. What did I just do? No, no, no... I can't just....
Panic surged through my veins. I immediately stiffened and shoved gently against his chest, pulling away from his arms and turning my face aside as though desperately searching for somewhere else to look.
He blinked, his gaze locking onto mine, his voice a low, bewildered whisper in the stillness.
"Cass-"
"It was a mistake," I blurted. "I didn't mean to. You weren't waking up, and I panicked. I thought..." My voice faltered. "I thought maybe it would bring you back."
I couldn't look at him.
"That's all it was."
"A mistake?" he asked quietly.
I shouldn't have looked at him.
His gaze dropped briefly to my lips before returning to my eyes.
My face went even hotter.
"So..." I swallowed. "We're going to forget that happened."
I tried to make it sound casual, as though I didn't want any of this to happen.
But even as the words left my mouth, I knew I was lying.
Because the truth was much more frightening.
I had wanted to kiss him.
The illusion had simply stripped away the courage I had spent so long lacking.
But now that he was standing in front of me, alive and looking at me like that, the fear of making things awkward, of opening myself up only to get hurt, came creeping back.
Something tightened painfully inside my chest. My eyes began to sting, and I suddenly needed to get away before he could see how badly I had lost control of the situation.
I turned to walk away, but his hand closed firmly around my wrist, stopping me.
Before I could say anything, he gently pulled me back. I stumbled towards him, and his other arm caught me around the waist before I could lose my balance.
I looked up at him.
His expression had changed.
He looked almost afraid.
He stared at me for several seconds before slowly lifting one hand to my cheek. His thumb brushed beneath my eye, catching a tear I hadn't realized had escaped.
"I don't think I can, Cassie."
I stared at him.
"What?"
His eyes remained fixed on mine.
"I don't think I can forget the kiss. I cannot think of it as a mistake."
My heart began pounding.
He closed his eyes and drew in a slow, unsteady breath. When he opened them again, there was no trace of the usual composure I knew so well.
"I... I love you, Cassiane."
Everything stopped.
For a moment, I couldn't even understand the words.
I simply stared at him.
Rhaevan swallowed, his gaze dropping briefly before returning to mine.
"I never meant to tell you this."
He paused, as though even now he was struggling to find the courage to say the words aloud.
"I heard you talking to Lucien that day. You said you wanted a peaceful life, and I thought... perhaps staying away from you was the kindest thing I could do."
His expression tightened.
"I told myself that if I gave you enough distance, eventually what I felt would pass."
A faint, almost humourless smile touched his lips.
"It didn't."
My throat tightened.
"I tried to keep my distance. I tried to convince myself that seeing you happy was enough, even if I could never be part of that happiness. I thought that if I cared about you enough, I should be able to let you go."
His voice grew quieter.
"But every time I tried, I found another reason to stay. Another reason to make sure you were safe. Another excuse to remain beside you."
He looked at me, his eyes unguarded.
"I don't want you to choose me because you feel sorry for me. And I don't want you to stay because you think you owe me an answer."
He lowered his gaze.
"If you don't feel the same, tell me. It will hurt, but I'll accept it."
His fingers curled slightly at his sides.
"I only couldn't bear the thought of leaving without ever telling you the truth."
He looked up at me again.
"I love you, Cassiane. I have for longer than I should have allowed myself to."
Tears filled my eyes.
I couldn't breathe properly.
Rhaevan Aetheris loved me.
The man I had spent so long believing would eventually choose someone else had been standing beside me all this time, carrying feelings he had deliberately hidden because he thought my happiness mattered more than his own.
I didn't know what I was supposed to say. Everything inside me had become too loud.
I wanted to say something, but my mind couldn't process what my heart had just heard.
I gently took his hand from my cheek and took a step back, needing air, needing a second to understand what was happening.
He mistook my movement for rejection.
Before I could explain, Rhaevan lowered himself to his knees.
My breath caught.
"I'm sorry, Cassiane."
He looked up at me, and the sight of him like that made something inside me ache.
"I didn't want to make you uncomfortable," he said.
His voice shook.
"I shouldn't have put this on you without knowing how you felt. I know my actions in the past hurt you. I know I haven't done anything to deserve your trust, let alone your love."
Tears slipped down his cheeks.
"But I couldn't keep hiding the truth from you."
He lowered his gaze.
"I don't expect you to love me back. I don't expect anything from you."
He looked up again.
His eyes were red, his face wet with tears, and for once there was nothing guarded about him.
"Just allow me to remain beside you."
His voice broke.
"Let me protect you. Let me help you. Let me be there when you need me."
He swallowed hard.
"And when the day comes that you no longer want me beside you, I will leave."
I stared at him.
"I won't ask you to change your mind. I won't make you feel guilty. I will walk away if that's what you want."
His lips trembled, and he lowered his head.
"Please, Cassiane. That is all I ask."
His shoulders shook, and then he broke down.
Something inside me shattered.
I couldn't watch him cry like this. Not Rhaevan.
Not the man who had spent so long protecting everyone around him while asking for nothing in return.
He had finally told me the truth, and even now he wasn't asking me to choose him. He was preparing himself to lose me if that was what would make me happy.
And suddenly, I understood.
All those moments when I had thought he was distant.
All those times I had believed he cared for Lysenne.
All the times I had convinced myself that I was imagining the way he looked at me.
He had been fighting himself because he loved me.
He had been willing to walk away because he loved me.
My throat was too tight for words.
So I moved.
I bent down in front of him and gently lifted his face by the chin.
His eyes met mine, confused and wet with tears.
I wiped his cheeks with trembling fingers.
He stared at me as though he couldn't understand what I was doing.
I couldn't explain it either.
I didn't have the words.
So I gave him the only answer I could.
I kissed him with every ounce of strength in my body.
For one heartbeat, he remained completely still.
Then he kissed me back.
There was no hesitation this time. No confusion.
He kissed me with a tenderness that made my chest ache, as though he still couldn't quite believe what I had done.
His arms came around my waist as he slowly rose, never breaking the kiss. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him closer as his hand came up to cup my cheek.
He gently caught my lower lip between his lips, deepening the kiss and carrying everything neither of us had been able to say.
When we finally parted, we remained close, struggling to catch our breath.
Rhaevan's thumb brushed gently beneath my eye, wiping away another tear.
Then he pressed a soft kiss to my eyelids.
Another to my cheeks.
Then my nose.
I couldn't help the small, breathless laugh that escaped me.
He smiled faintly before kissing me again.
And this time, I let him.
When we pulled apart, we remained standing in the quiet chamber, our foreheads touching.
For the first time since his confession, my thoughts had finally settled enough for me to speak.
I drew in a shaky breath.
"You really are an idiot, you know that?"
Rhaevan blinked.
A faint smile touched his lips.
"I've been told."
I laughed softly, though tears still clung to my lashes.
"You actually thought I would let you walk away from me when you stopped being useful?"
His expression softened.
"Cassiane-"
"No. Let me finish."
I tightened my arms around him.
"You don't get to decide that you're only allowed to stay as long as I need you."
His eyes searched mine.
"I don't want you because I need protection. I want you because you're you."
I reached up and touched his cheek.
"Somewhere along the way, Rhaevan, you became the person I don't want to lose."
His eyes filled again.
I smiled through my own tears.
"So stop asking me when I'll stop needing you. Because that's not what this is.""
I leaned closer until our foreheads touched again.
My voice trembled.
"I don't want you because I need you, Rhaevan."
I looked straight into his eyes.
"I want you because I love you."
For several seconds, he simply stared at me.
Rhaevan Aetheris, the man who could face ancient magic, cursed creatures, and impossible dangers without flinching, looked completely speechless.
And somehow, that made me smile.
Because for once, I knew exactly what I wanted.
I wanted him.