25. Chapter 25
25
T he plan was to get home, get some sleep, and knock on her door first thing in the morning. I don’t want to leave her hanging, I care about her so much. If I had the capacity for this conversation tonight, I’d choose to have it tonight.
I don’t get to choose. She walks in behind me before I even set my bag down. Her face is red and puffy, splintering my heart into a million pieces. She still looks like an angel, I don’t think there’s any scenario in which her appearance would stop taking my breath away.
“Hi,” I say.
She stands frozen, looking like she has something to say but isn’t sure how. Exactly why I think this isn’t the time to talk, but I don’t have it in me to tell her to go now. Her presence makes me feel whole.
Things have changed so fast, I shock myself by even thinking the words.
Before I can bring up what my plan was, she strides towards me and wraps her arms around me. The strength with which she squeezes me is slightly alarming, but I don’t care. I inhale the flowery scent of her skin, and feel like it’s the first time I’ve been able to focus all day. Everything will be okay as long as I have this. Her. We’re going to be okay, no matter what happens or what anyone thinks. Even if we have to keep this a secret for–
“We have to stop this,” she whispers.
I nod as best I can into the crook of her neck.
“I don’t need space anymore, I just needed to–
“No, this ,” she says, and squeezes me tighter. “Whatever we are, we can’t be it anymore.”
There’s a ringing in my ears. The ground feels like it caves in beneath me.
“No,” I say instinctively as I pull away. Her arms take a few seconds to drop, but they do. “We can be whatever we want, it’s fine.”
“It’s not fine,” she insists. “It won’t ever be, so we need to do this now. Before things get too serious, or–”
“Uh, hate to break it to you right now of all times, but it’s already too serious.”
Kara blinks at me a few times before shaking her head.
“You only think that.”
“Who are you to say I only think I’m in love with you?” I ask, too loudly.
She should be able to tell by now, especially after my intense reaction earlier. How could she think I’d flip out like that if there weren’t serious feelings here?
She admitted to liking me, almost as soon as I admitted to myself that I more than like her. I never really thought we’d be on the same page, but we’re so many chapters apart. It’s almost laughable.
I watch her stumble back, still shaking her damned head.
“You don’t mean that.”
“Don’t tell me what I mean,” I growl.
Her stubbornness is something I’ve grown to love about her, but not in this case. She’s not allowed to put her foot down when it comes to what I feel.
I think this might be the most sure I’ve been. My body knows it needs her. The distance she’s putting between us is already leaving an ache in my bones.
I can’t do this. I can’t lose her.
“What is your problem?”
She laughs, and it’s a hollow, sad sound.
“I don’t have a problem yet. But I will if we keep this up.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s your best friend,” she says quietly. “If I were to become your girlfriend or something, I’d have to see them, be around them and—“ She blows out a deep, steadying exhale, and I just want to hold her again. I even try to, but she backs away further. Every inch between us hurts more and more. “I was so sure I’d never have to see him again. I can’t do it.”
I watch as she shudders, and my mind shoots to the worst case scenario. I'm concerned, not just for her, but for Autumn. For myself.
“What did he do, Kara?” She shakes her head, refusing to tell me. “If it’s really bad, I’ll never want to see him again anyway! Then it’ll work out fine, no need to—“
“No, stop. Seriously, stop. I have to go.”
“Why can’t you just—“
“I have to go,” she repeats.
I stand there in shock, in pain, as it’s now her turn to run down to her car, and there’s nothing I can do. I want to ignore her, I want to refuse to let her leave. But I know, deep in my gut, that I can’t.
She needs to be alone right now, just like I needed it earlier.
God, I just hope that she feels as strongly as I do. If she does, there’s no way this is getting in between us. It’s so small of a detail. It’s so easy to solve. Maybe I only go over to Autumn’s place from now on, but never invite her here. Maybe she’ll be so busy as a new mom that she won’t have any time for me anyway.
I don’t know what details the future will bring, all I know is that I want to be wherever Kara is. My stomach twists, not knowing where she’s headed or when I’ll see her next.
Kara disappears for five days.
I go about things as best as I can in that time, and pretend I’m fine when Caleb dropped Dahlia off that first night. I’ve taken her to the park, and to the mall, and to a birthday party of some cousin on Caleb’s side. He offered to take her, but I’d never so easily give up time on my days. I was a little awkward around the people I don’t know, but there were snacks to graze on, and Dahlia wanted to head out early anyway.
He picked her up last night, and I think I’ve snapped a little. I have sent Kara no less than ten text messages. I’ve called her at least once a day, hoping for a miracle. She has to come back at some point, because she pays rent here. Tim requires a thirty-day notice to move out, and I don’t think she would be the type to ignore that.
I really hope.
I’m scared to sit outside, as much as I want the fresh air. As much as I want to see her. This is something that can’t sneak up on me. My guard is down so low, and my pain is so close to the surface. I need to prepare. I need to do it when I feel ready to do it.
Yet, any plan to protect myself is thrown out the window when I hear the familiar sound. It’s quieter than usual, like she’s trying to go unheard.
No chance. I’d never mistake it for anything else.
I shoot up off the couch, and practically leap for my front door. Hers is just closing behind her as I reach it, and I manage to keep myself from crying the second it does. It feels like a sign I don’t want. A metaphor I don’t need.
I knock three times.
“Open the door, Kara.”
Her response is close, right on the other side of it.
“There’s no point,” says her muffled voice.
I try the handle, not opposed to letting myself in without permission, but it’s already locked.
“That’s not true. Stop being stubborn.”
She doesn’t respond, so I press my ear against the door. I don’t know what I’m hoping to hear, I just want something . I had become so used to our routine, to getting so excited every time we hung out. Every day without it has felt so empty. So wrong.
I’ve taken my time to process, and I’ve let her take hers, but this is something else. This is now her attempt to decide that we can’t work through this, and I want to refuse. I want to scream and say that none of it matters, even though some of it does.
I can not believe just how small this town is.
What are the odds, how are the odds?
I’m seriously in love with Miles' ex-wife. I’ve daydreamed about getting married, and buying a house, and living happily ever after with a woman that made both him and my best friend miserable for a long time.
And maybe I’m a terrible friend, but I don’t care. I don’t want any of that to change the way my life has been going lately. I didn’t know who Kara was when this started. I was in too deep when I found out. They would understand if I told them.
But I am definitely not telling them, not anytime soon. Getting Kara to calm down and talk to me is my main priority, and I have to make it happen before six o’clock tonight. Once Caleb drops off my baby girl, that’s where my focus needs to be. For the four days we’re together every week, she deserves every ounce of my attention. No relationship will ever change that.
Even when it feels fucking impossible.
“Are you okay, mama?”
I look at her in the rearview mirror, and give her my best attempt at a smile.
“Why wouldn’t I be, princess?”
“‘Cause when I look like that, you always ask if I’m okay.”
“But it’s usually just because you’re tired, huh?” My daughter nods. “I’m tired right now.”
“You could take a nap,” she tells me with a grin. It’s a repeat of words I’ve said to her too many times.
She never agrees to a nap. I’m not agreeing now either, even though it sounds really nice. I’m not lying, I am tired. Tired in every way a person could possibly be.
Sometimes I hear Kara’s music through the walls, although it’s lower than normal. I think the only reason I hear it is because I’m trying to hear something.
It’s torture to have her right next door. I’ve been hurt in breakups before, badly enough that I wanted to show up at their door and beg for the smallest scraps. Doing just that is too easy in this scenario. I’ve already done it once. It’s taking all the self control I have not to do it again. I’ve always felt a rush when leaving my house, just over the possibility of seeing her. It was always so exciting. Now it’s more of an anxious feeling. I’m scared of her reaction to being in my presence, but I’m also desperate for it. I need to gaze into those green eyes in the same way I need to eat food a few times a day. It’s fuel.
God, it’s dramatic. The only reason I haven’t completely lost my mind is because my daughter needs me. I don’t know how I’ll survive when she’s gone in a few weeks. I’ve been lonely before, but that’s going to take the cake. Knowing it’s coming is making me so tense. “Are you hungry? Should I make dinner when we get home?”
Dahlia looks at me through the mirror with so much excitement.
“Broccoli?”
“Of course!” I say with all the enthusiasm I can find.
It is pretty exciting that my child loves vegetables.
I’m convinced that no child has ever loved broccoli as much as my girl does. I’ve come up with some interesting ways to include it in our dinners, much to my own dismay.
I give her complete credit for the fact that I don’t have scurvy.
She wiggles in her car seat, and I know if it wasn’t there, she’d be jumping up and down.
What I end up making isn’t that creative, just a stir fry I throw together with some things I needed to use up, and Dahlia’s beloved broccoli.
It sure smells incredible, though
She runs up to her chair, where a plate of food is already sitting on the table in front of her. She’s most likely going to eat around the chicken, and that will be a whole ordeal that I’ll put off until she claims she’s done. I can always convince her to have an extra bite or two by promising something in return. I’ve got ten minutes to think of what it’ll be tonight.
As I pick at my own plate, not feeling very hungry, I think of Kara. Again. I wonder if she can smell our dinner from her apartment. I hope she can. I hope she wishes she was sitting here with us, and feeling terrible about avoiding me. I picture it, her having a realization so strong that she heads straight over and starts banging on my door. I picture it over and over until I convince myself it’ll happen.
I wait, so patiently, for that knock.
“I’m done, mommy.”
I blink, her voice pulling me out of my thoughts. Of course there isn’t a knock.
“Can you do a couple more bites of chicken?”
She shakes her head, as predicted.
“Will you take a couple more bites if I let you pick a movie for us to watch tonight?”
Her eyes widen in that curious, deep thinking kind of way that only children can manage to express. If I made that face, people would just think I looked crazy.
“Okay, I’ll take only two more bites,” she tells me, and holds up two fingers. “But I don’t know what movie yet. I have to think about it.”
“Take all the time you need, princess.”