41. Chapter 40
41
I knock on Autumn’s door with a gentle hand, not knowing if I should be disappointed or relieved that Miles’ car isn’t in their driveway.
Autumn opens it slowly, and in her arms is a swaddled bundle. Baby boy is fast asleep, and she sways in place to keep it that way.
“Hey, babe,” I say with a newfound shyness.
“Hi.”
She’s not happy to see me, that much is clear.
I blow out a steadying breath, and twist the ring on my finger. It’s a habit I’ve picked up doing a lot lately, especially when I’m nervous. Even though I couldn’t be more nervous right now, I force myself to drop my hands to my sides. It might be kind of a rude reminder, given the situation. I should’ve taken it off before coming here, but yet again, I didn’t think that through.
“I’m sorry it’s her. I know that must be so hard on you, but we really do have something special. It was never—“
“Okay, stop.” She puts her free hand out to emphasize her words. “That’s what you’re apologizing for?”
I look around like I’ll find something to clear up my confusion, but there’s nothing.
“Yeah?”
Autumn shakes her head, and I’m in shock that she manages to look so disappointed. It’s not something I’ve ever really seen on her, and definitely not directed at me.
“It was never about it being Kara. I’m upset that I have to even explain that.” I widen my eyes in an impatient attempt at encouraging her to keep talking. “Don’t you know that I get that part? Wanting to be with someone even if the people around you won’t be happy about it? Doesn't that sound familiar?” She pauses as if waiting for me to confirm, but I have a feeling it’s rhetorical.
“My first thought wasn’t that you betrayed me by being with her, it was that you told me nothing ,” she explains. Her voice cracks on the last word.
My face falls. My stomach twists into a knot.
“That’s what hurt. I’d understand if you needed time to process, to think of what to say to me. It’s a lot. I’d understand if I’d found out months ago, but what am I supposed to think now? You snuck around. I talked to Vic, I know you wanted her to keep quiet, and not just for a couple days or a couple weeks. I’ve been cut out of your life for months. Think about the fit you’d be throwing if I had a secret relationship I didn’t tell you about for so long.” She shakes her head, looking so defeated that it physically hurts. “And then got married . Imagine if I got married and didn’t tell you? You would never forgive me.”
“Autumn, I…”
Words fail me. She’s somewhat wrong, and somewhat right. I can’t even believe how backwards I had it. I was so focused on who Kara was to Autumn, that I barely gave the other details a passing thought.
“Crap, of course. It’s just been this huge whirlwind, and the time has really gotten away from me,” I confess.
What was months for everyone else, felt like a few days for me.
The most gigantic roller coaster of a few days, but still.
“You couldn’t even answer your phone? That’s how much time got away from you ? Vic had to go collect you when I was in the hospital! I really tried to play it cool, but that sucked,” she tells me. “I was crying to my boyfriend on what should’ve been the happiest night of my life, because you barely made time for us.”
I take a small, sad step closer to her, wishing I could magically pull that hurt away.
“I made you cry?” I ask, my voice hoarse.
She nods, not meeting my eyes.
“Look, I’m exhausted. I need to try and sleep while he is, so…” She trails off, letting me fill in the blanks.
“Autumn, I’m really sorry.”
She nods like she believes me, but the tense air between us doesn’t lighten up.
“I know you think I forgive too easily, that I’m too nice to people. Well, here you go, Reya. I don’t feel like being nice right now.”
And she closes the door in my face.
Not a slam, that’s still not her style, no matter how hurt she is.
When I finally walk away, I’m feeling a million times worse. I showed up thinking I could talk some sense into her over an assumption I was making, but I was so wrong. I was so stupidly wrong.
I’ve never been more annoyed with myself, because for as much as I want to talk to her right now? As much as I want us to make up, and hug, and have a normal conversation? Hell, as much as I’d love to just see her smile?
The ache that comes with it is the least I deserve for so easily pushing her out of my mind for my own convenience.
I’ve been a shitty friend.
It doesn’t take me long to come up with a new plan. A few days of sitting in self pity really gives a girl plenty of opportunities to brainstorm.
And plenty of opportunities to kick that self pitying attitude.
Autumn and I have been friends too long to bullshit. I apologized, I know I messed up, and now’s the part where we just need to move forward. After talking Kara’s ears off about what to do that night when I got home, she agreed with me. We’re too grown to let this come between us. I miss my best friend, and I’m doing something about it.
Better late than never.
I texted her a couple of times, called her too. No answer, of course.
So I’m doing the next best thing.
Except when I walk through Amelia’s front door, I have a moment of regret. Everyone stares at me like I’ve grown an extra head on my shoulders, instead of the usual smiles I’m used to getting. I mean… I’m usually the life of the party here. I’m not a fan of this change.
“Why are you here?” Autumn asks, her voice cold and distant. So unlike her.
Amelia looks between us, visibly concerned. Miles, Sam, and Justin keep their heads down. Vic is nowhere to be seen, which makes my confidence slightly falter. It would have been nice to have one person on my side.
If she’s even on my side right now. I can’t confirm that much.
“I was invited.”
Not directly, but it was discussed in our group chat. They probably forgot I was a part of it, considering how rarely it gets used. The last time it was active was the day Autumn went into labor, and it was a bunch of hectic, all caps communication about the details.
I felt horrible when I noticed. I reread them all just to let the level of how bad I messed up sink in even further. I deserved it.
Today was the first time the chat’s been used since then, and I jumped at the chance to be face to face with her.
I didn’t have another choice, really.
Amelia mouths over to her, something about that chat. Autumn’s head falls into her hands and she sighs. I choose to ignore it, taking a seat at my usual spot, right across from her.
“This smells delicious, Ames.”
She nods in thanks, but it’s unsure. She’s done a lot wrong by Autumn, and wants to make sure she’s playing her cards right. She wants her to know who’s side she’s on, whose she’ll always choose.
The tension is so thick, I could drown in it. Everyone’s quiet, everyone’s uncomfortable. It really makes me feel like I ruined what was a perfectly fine night a few seconds ago.
I don’t want that to be true. I had no intention of ruining anything when I decided to be here.
“I don’t want any drama right now,” Autumn finally looks up to tell me.
“Neither do I.”
“Then why are you here?”
I’m silent for a few seconds, thinking through the least dramatic way to answer the question.
It must be a few seconds too many, because Miles clears his throat.
I watch as she turns to him, they make eye contact, and her face softens. He’s always had that effect on her, but so did I. For all the years she didn’t have him, it was me and Vic that helped her let her guard down.
“I think you should leave, Reya. I’m not ready to talk about it. I just want to have a nice, relaxing night.” Her voice is kinder, but it doesn’t ease the blow.
I scoff.
“You’re not ready.”
A quick shake of her head.
“When will you be ready? Just so I have a general idea of when you’ll start responding to my messages.”
“I don’t know,” she says.
The rest of the table is quiet, trying their hardest to pretend this isn’t interesting them. It doesn’t work, I know everyone loves an argument when they’re not a part of it.
It’s actually kind of pissing me off.
Maybe they should be a part of it.
“For all the shit you’ve been through with the rest of the people in this room, you didn’t feel the need to punish any of them. Why me? Why your best friend?”
“I’m not–”
“I forgot to exclude Sam, of course.” I wink at the man himself. “But the rest of them? You’d rather have a little dinner and chat with the guy who cheated on you, and the woman who implied for months that you were going to ruin her family? That you weren’t good enough for them? Do you remember all of that, because I can’t forget it.”
Amelia gasps.
“Dude,” Justin whispers. He sounds offended, but I’m not wrong. He should be offended. Offended by the reminder of what a shitty person he can be.
“Reya.” It’s Miles that says my name in warning. So protective.
“Have I not suffered enough? What, do you need something bad to happen to me so you can tell yourself that karma did its thing? You can’t just avoid every inconvenient thing that comes your way. Some of them,” I point to my chest, “won’t let you. I’m sorry , Autumn. I hid something huge from you, I made stupid assumptions. It wasn’t okay, but I can’t go back in time and take any of it back.”
Her eyes squeeze shut as she blows out a sharp breath.
“I don’t want anything bad to happen to you,” she says so very quietly. “I’m hurt . I’m tired. I’m overwhelmed. While you’ve been dwelling on this–” she motions between us– “I haven’t had a free few seconds to process anything. I have a newborn that’s cluster feeding, and keeping me up all night, every night. I know it’s been a few years, but you must remember what that’s like?” She allows no room for arguments. Her tone is sharp and to the point, and of course she knows I remember what that’s like.
When she pauses, I think maybe it isn’t a rhetorical question. Maybe I’m supposed to agree, tell her, but then she points at the man next to her.
“And aren’t you two supposed to be besties now, Rey ? You have nothing to say to him about all this? It’s not my ex-wife you’re fucking.”
“Damn,” is Justin’s commentary to that.
I have another D word in mind whenever he opens his annoying mouth.
I level a glare at him.
Miles puts a hand on his girlfriend’s shoulder.
“You understand why my priority is the way Autumn’s feeling, right? I figured whatever there is for us to hash out can wait until after that’s sorted,” I tell him.
He looks between us, like he’s not sure what thing he might say will upset which person.
“There’s nothing to hash out. It’s… weird, but everyone’s got a person, right? If she’s yours, then I can deal with it.”
Because he found his person when everyone was telling him they wouldn’t deal with it.
Why the hell does he have to be so likable?
“Great.” My eyes land back on Autumn. “That part is settled. Of course I remember how hard it was when I first had Dahlia. I know you’re exhausted, but I don’t–”
“I think that you have an easier time working through things in your head, Rey.” Miles gives me a tight smile. “Every word you say, every ounce of pressure you put on her to get over it is making things worse right now.”
I’m silent for the first time since I sat down. I feel everyone looking at me, but now I refuse to meet any of those stares.
“Isn’t that hypocritical?” I ask Miles. “Of all people that have pressured her to get over something, you’re probably at the top of that list.”
“Okay,” Autumn clears her throat. “You’re reaching, because this isn’t going the way you want it to. I love you, I’m always going to love you, but you have to give me space. This isn’t negotiable.”
Her eyes bore into mine, and I notice what a massively, thick wall is behind them tonight. There’s nothing I can do.
I’m sure I look like a child when I do it, but I stand abruptly and huff.
I obviously don’t like the idea of space from her, which seems ridiculous now. I should’ve realized that during all the time I was so caught up with Kara. I realize that I’ve been giving Autumn space for months, and it’s immature of me to demand her presence now that it’s a better time for me.
I never claimed to be mature. Not once in my life have I ever said those words or expected anyone to believe them.
“Fine. Have a good night,” I tell the table sharply. Then I head for the door.
I hear a chair pull out behind me, but I don’t look back to see who it is. It’s more than likely Autumn excusing herself to go cry in the bathroom, and my heart feels like it shatters a million times more at the thought.
I stomp all the way to my car, and as soon as my hand touches the handle I hear my name called behind me. It’s Miles.
“I’m sorry,” I say on a much needed exhale. I was too stressed to breathe in there. “I know you didn’t do anything wrong, and you’re not a hypocrite, and you guys don’t need this on top of being new parents.” The words rush out of me, desperation seeping through every one.
He nods, looking down at his feet that he’s scuffling on the driveway. Watching him gather his thoughts fills me with so much gratitude. He’s this worked up, he cares this much about her, and she deserves that.
They deserve each other.
“She’d do anything for you, Rey.”
“I know.”
“She thinks you don’t know that,” he says.
I let myself fall back against my car door with a little thud.
“And I’m pretty irritated with myself over that fact, don’t you worry.”
He walks over to stand next to me and does the same. I glance over to see an expected smile spread across his face.
“Surely not what you want to hear, but I’m so proud of her right now,” he says, beaming.
“As you should be, but… why?” I ask.
“For standing her ground. Knowing what she needs right now and not backing down from it.”
I don’t know why, but that’s what makes me start crying. I look up at the starry sky to clear the blurriness in my eyes.
“I am, too. She’s gotten a lot better at that.” I elbow his arm. “I’ll give you some credit for helping her in that regard.”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see him shake his head.
“It was all her.”
“Someone’s circumstances do a lot for their capabilities. You changed her circumstances and made her feel more capable,” I tell him.
I couldn’t do that.
“Stop sounding smart.”
“My bad. I’ll go back to being ditzy and ridiculous.”
He laughs, and steps away.
“I should go back in, but I can’t resist telling you,” he starts. “You’re like a little sister to me, Rey. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
I roll my eyes.
“Please don’t assume things aren’t going to end well.”
He puts his hands up in surrender.
“I’m not assuming. I’m just a little worried, naturally. It’s hard to imagine the two of you… your two personalities…” He shuts his mouth tightly. “I’ll stop. Sorry.”
“The personality you saw, and the one I see are completely different,” I say quietly. “I changed her circumstances.”
He nods understandingly– thoughtfully – before saying good night and turning to go back in.