Chapter 23
Cassidy greets me when I pull into Ax Me No Questions—a bar with ax throwing in the back—ready to clip my mic on. She tells me Kit’s already inside.
This date has been on our schedule for a while, because apparently watching us go to work and hang out before bed isn’t interesting enough. After our moment in the bedroom this morning, I haven’t been able to think about anything but Kit and how he said my name as he came. Dealing with another one of the show’s forced scenarios is not something I’m interested in tonight.
I take a deep breath as I head to the back of the building, where we’ve been permitted to film with no interference. Kit is already here, as promised, and he’s chatting with Dr. Shaw.
I stop short. “Is this a therapy session?”
Cassidy nudges me forward. “It’s a date. With a little assistance.”
Dr. Shaw perches on a barstool while an extra producer runs a fluffy makeup brush over her obscenely high cheekbones. Kit leans on the tabletop, flashing his charming smile. The one that doesn’t reach his eyes. I hate that smile.
“Why don’t you take a seat, Andie?” Dr. Shaw says when the producer steps out of frame.
I offer a weak smile and tiptoe over the cords crisscrossing the painted cement floor to join them at the table.
Kit gives me a lopsided grin. “Hey. How was your day?”
I can’t tell if he’s asking because he was coached to or if he means it, so I only offer the perfunctory, “Good. Thanks.”
“I’m just here to check in and see how things are going,” Dr. Shaw says from her corner of the room. “To hear how you’re adjusting or help you through an argument you two may have had, that sort of thing. You’re the only couple that knew each other before the altar, so your journey is a bit different than the others.”
Kit clears his throat. “So far, I think we’re doing well, considering the circumstances.”
“Do you agree, Andie?” Dr. Shaw pins me with a look that sees all. Shit.
“Sure.” I lift one of my shoulders. “So, um, why are we here if we’re supposed to talk with you?”
Dr. Shaw smiles. “While we’re not there for every moment of your marriage, we do see some of the footage, and we noticed something way back on your honeymoon.”
“What’s that?” Kit wraps his fingers around a pint of beer. Even now, in this room full of people and cameras, I’m thinking about how they wrapped around his—
“You both do better when you’re up against a challenge. Working as a team,” Dr. Shaw explains.
I blink away the memory of Kit’s hands. “So we’re here to throw sharp objects across the room?”
“Exactly.” Dr. Shaw gestures to the targets on the opposite wall. “Talk while you try something new. I’m here to mediate and offer perspective. Only if you need it, of course.”
Kit nods. We walk over to the line where we’re supposed to throw axes from and he mumbles, “Weirdest therapy session ever.”
I snort, then smack my hand over my mouth.
“See?” Dr. Shaw says from the table behind us. “You’re communicating better already.”
I force a smile. Kit and I listen to one of the employees explain how to throw an ax and do it safely. I attempt a couple of practice throws, my ax only bouncing off the target and clattering to the ground. Kit, however, was made for this kind of thing. He shrugs off his jacket and tie, unbuttons the top two buttons on his shirt, and rolls his sleeves to his elbows. While his arms are truly magnificent, my mind can only focus on thighs, thighs, thighs as he lunges forward to release the ax with a primal grunt.
“There is something I’d like to address,” he says when the attendant leaves us to it, snapping me out of my fantasy.
“Okay,” I say slowly, gripping the handle of a new ax. Ignoring the way my heart rate picks up, I choke up on the handle, winding up for a throw. “Go for it.”
“This morning, we …”
“Oh my God!” I shriek, my ax slipping from my hands, not even making it halfway to the target. My cheeks burn with humiliation. I can’t believe how we acted in our bedroom this morning, and now Kit wants to talk about it? Here? I mean, he did out our previous relationship on day one, so I wouldn’t put it past him.
“Andie,” Dr. Shaw says soothingly, like she would to a child throwing a tantrum. “Can you please listen to what Kit is saying? I want to make sure you hear him.”
I swallow and force myself to face him. Kit frowns, eyes fixed on his hands as he gets his grip on an ax. I shoot daggers at him with my glare. If he so much as mentions a hint of the intimacy we shared this morning, I’ll—
“You told me you were worried that side of me was gone.” He winds up, then launches the ax toward the target. It sinks in with a satisfying thud. It’s not a bullseye, but it’s close. He shakes out his arms and looks at me, head tilted in question. “I’ve been trying all day to figure out what you meant.”
Unable to articulate a single thought—my head is still spinning from this morning too—I reach for another ax.
“Andie,” Dr. Shaw interjects when I’m silent for too long, fussing with my grip. “What side of him did you mean?”
“Um.” I squeeze my eyes shut and search for a way to explain it that won’t give away what we did this morning. A tall order when his groans are still echoing in my head. “The side that’s … less than perfect, I guess.”
“Less than perfect,” Dr. Shaw echoes.
Kit frowns. “I’m not perfect.”
When Dr. Shaw gives me a look, I heave the ax over my shoulder and focus on the target. “You’re so controlled and closed off.” My words get lost to a grunt as I throw the ax. It’s the first one of mine that lands anywhere on the target instead of the floor. I take a deep breath and look at Kit. “Sometimes it feels like you’re not even here.”
Kit blinks, his jaw going slack. But he has no response.
“It seems like that surprises you,” Dr. Shaw says. “Can you tell Andie why?”
“I thought you didn’t want me to—” He shakes his head and drags a hand through his hair. He picks up a new ax and tries again. “Andie, any time I try to show you how I feel, it’s like you throw a shield up between us.”
I clench my jaw tighter.
“You’re doing it right now,” he says with a chuckle. “Look at how tight you’re wound up.”
This time, when his ax hits the target, I flinch.
I force myself to unclench my fists.
“Let’s take a deep breath together, okay?” Dr. Shaw demonstrates an exaggerated breath for us. Kit and I follow, and I have never felt so ridiculous in public.
The pause in action allows my mind to wander back to how Kit panted after his climax this morning. Warmth spreads from my hands to the rest of my body, tingles chasing it down my spine. I hope this shirt provides my happy nipples with enough coverage in front of the cameras.
Kit walks toward the targets, collecting our axes to bring them back to the line. He grunts when he wedges them out of the target, the muscles in his shoulders rolling underneath his shirt. When he walks back toward me, I look at the ground.
“Kit,” Dr. Shaw guides him, “how does it make you feel when Andie puts up that shield?”
He looks me in the eyes, leaning on an ax he props against a barstool. “It makes me feel like you’d rather be anywhere than with me.”
“That’s not true,” I blurt without thinking.
“It’s how he feels, Andie.”
I give Dr. Shaw a warning glance before returning my attention to Kit. “I really enjoy spending time with you.”
Kit huffs out a disbelieving laugh.
“I do,” I insist. His stance is too comfortable. Smug. I snatch the ax out from under him, causing him to stumble.
“You put up this wall.” He grabs another ax and winds up for a toss. “And it makes me feel like I have to put a wall up too, because you don’t want anything to do with how I feel about you.”
He heaves the ax at the target and hits the bullseye. My mouth goes dry, and my tongue is heavy. I have no idea what to say.
“How do you feel about her, Kit?”
“I feel …” He takes a deep breath, taking the time to meet my eyes. “I really enjoy spending time with you too. You make me happy, Andie. And I want you to know that I’m here with you. You can rely on me.”
“I—” I bite back my words, afraid to say them out loud. I reach for an ax, hoping I won’t have to reply to that.
“You can say what you’re thinking, Andie. This is a safe space.” Dr. Shaw spreads her hands in a gesture that says we’re all friends here. Except we aren’t. This is all being filmed and will be picked apart by audiences across the country.
“Ten years ago, you wanted nothing to do with how I felt.” I grunt as I release the ax. It hits the target with a satisfying thunk. Staring at the handle jutting from the wall, I tell him, “You told me that if I wanted you, all I had to do was ask. So I did.”
“You did.” He nods, a half grin tugging at the corner of his mouth.
“But then you left.” I force myself to look him in the eyes. Dare to let him see how much it hurt to watch him walk away. It’s easily the bravest thing I’ve done this week. “In the middle of our conversation, you left.”
“One of my bosses called, and I—” He takes in a sharp breath and grips an ax. He doesn’t turn away fast enough, though. It’s the first time I’ve seen this side of him since we got married. Vulnerable. Scared. Even when we were talking about his mom’s cancer diagnosis, he wasn’t like this.
“I want to be able to trust you. To rely on you.” I swallow the bitter taste in my mouth. “But that doesn’t happen overnight.” And once he has that trust, he can break it in a heartbeat. I know that all too well.
Kit is silent, frowning and focused on his throw. He stares at the target too.
“Andie,” Dr. Shaw interjects, “what do you need from Kit moving forward?”
I heft an ax over my shoulder. “Keep showing up. Please.”
In our periphery, Cassidy smiles, her hand reaching for Steve’s. But he’s balancing a camera on his shoulder, so she settles for hooking her hand around his biceps and leaning into him.
Kit waits until I release the ax from my grip before he says, “I can do that.”
“Kit, what do you need from Andie?”
He takes his time lining up for his throw. When the ax hits its mark, he finally says, “I don’t care if you’re upset with me or having a bad day. Talk to me. Let me in.”
He turns to meet my eyes, and I dip my chin in a nod. Letting people in has never been my strong suit, but I know I’ll look like the villain if I point that out now.
“Good.” Dr. Shaw offers a smile, clapping her hands together. “This is good work, you two.”
She stands, signaling that this session is officially over.
“You have the targets for another thirty minutes,” Cassidy informs us.
Kit smiles, offering me an ax. “What do you say, sweet potato?”
I grip the handle and can’t help but smile back. “I’ve got time.”
His smile grows wider.
I lift the ax and focus on the target. “Do me a favor.”
“Anything.”
“Next time you throw, can you do it real slow so I can enjoy it?”
His laughter mingles with the thud of the ax against the wood of the target.
FIRST LOOK AT FOREVER
SEASON THREE
EPISODE EIGHT
PETRA ASHLING:
Five weeks ago, our couples said “I do.” While they’ve begun to build their own family, they also married into each other’s families.
DR. KENNETH LEON:
Meeting each other’s families is an important step in our couples’ relationships.
DR. LAUREN SHAW:
Family provides a new lens for our couples to view their partners. It can be stressful, but it’s necessary to fully understand where each other came from. Especially in a scenario as unconventional as this one, the support of family can determine the long-term success of their marriages.