Chapter 19
19
GEMMA
I was finding the dreary autumn weather and the darker evenings depressing. I noticed, more than any previous year, how everything was dying or closing down: the leaves withering and falling, the sea and the sky grey and bleak, the beach, the seafront and cafés quieter and sadder-looking as the summer visitors all went home. Added to my depression was the fact that I’d had no luck yet with the CSA tracking down Jack or even his family. Had they all disappeared? Really? Just to save Jack from having to pay what was due for the care of his own child? It didn’t seem credible.
I only really cheered up when Crystal was around. I soon heard that I’d not only won the job with the company who wanted the new website, blog posts and regular social media updates, but I’d also got another website creation job for a small local business. This was on top of my existing clients, so it was really helpful to have Crystal around for the evenings, entertaining Poppy and getting her ready for bed. That next Saturday, the weather was good enough for Crystal to take her out for a brisk walk down to the beach, where they ran around and played to warm themselves up, leaving me in peace to get on with my work. In the evening, after she’d put Poppy to bed, we cooked another meal together and Crystal stayed over, on my sofa. She claimed it was so comfy she preferred it to her own bed.
The only problem with all this was that I knew it was upsetting Mum. She was still hurt that she wasn’t the one I was asking to care for Poppy.
‘But you’re still having her for a whole day every week!’ I reminded her once again while we were having a cup of tea together on the Friday morning, when I dropped Poppy off. I’d happened to mention that Crystal was coming round that evening, and now I was wishing I hadn’t.
‘And I’ve told you, I’ll keep her for the evening if you need to work!’ she protested. ‘I’ll keep her overnight – I’d love to. And I obviously wouldn’t want anything in return?—’
‘Nor does Crystal, Mum. The only reason I treat her to a meal is that I don’t want to take advantage of her – and anyway, we enjoy each other’s company. We’re both on our own?—’
‘So am I,’ she said quietly.
‘Oh, Mum!’ I gave her a hug, feeling bewildered by her attitude. She’d never before seemed jealous of me or Poppy spending time with anyone else. ‘You’ve got such a full life, so many friends, and clubs that you belong to, quite apart from your job.’
‘None of them are as important to me as you and Poppy are.’
‘I get that, and I’m grateful for it, honestly. But can’t you be pleased for me, that I’ve got a new friend?’
‘I don’t even know her, Gemma. I haven’t met her. It all seems to have happened so suddenly.’
I sighed. I was beginning to lose patience, but didn’t want to show it.
‘Yes, well, my life changed pretty suddenly, didn’t it? If Jack hadn’t done a runner on me, I might not have needed a new friend so badly. She came along at exactly the right time, that’s all.’
Mum nodded. ‘I know. I suppose that’s what worries me, if I’m honest. It’s… so much, so soon, that’s all. I mean, you’re letting her take Poppy out on her own. Are you quite sure you trust her?’
‘What? Of course I trust her, Mum. And Poppy loves her.’
She shrugged and forced a smile. ‘Well, I’m sure you know what you’re doing. And of course, I’m glad you’re feeling happier.’
‘I’m not, not really. But Crystal helps. As do you, obviously. And I’m grateful to you both.’
We left it there, but it played on my mind. It was the nearest thing to an argument I could remember having with my lovely mum for such a long time. It upset me that she seemed to disapprove of my friend without having even met her.
‘I think she’s a bit jealous of someone else being involved with her granddaughter,’ I said to Crystal that evening over dinner after Poppy was in bed. ‘It’s not like her at all.’
I knew I probably shouldn’t have been talking to her about Mum like that, but I’d been worried about it since the conversation with her, and couldn’t help blurting it out.
Crystal seemed to think this over before replying.
‘She doesn’t know me, Gem. Perhaps it would help if I were to meet her? Introduce myself?’
‘I suppose so. I just hadn’t thought it should be necessary. I thought Mum would trust me not to let anyone unsuitable take care of Poppy.’
‘Well, I suppose it’s only natural for her to be concerned. You’re her only daughter, Poppy’s her only grandchild, and she doesn’t know the first thing about me.’
‘Yes. I guess so.’ I took another mouthful and chewed it thoughtfully before making a decision. ‘Right, I’ll ask her to come over and have lunch with us tomorrow. Is that OK with you?’
Crystal put her fork down and sat with her head lowered for a moment, biting her lip, before replying without looking up at me, ‘Sorry. I can’t make it tomorrow. I was going to tell you: I can’t do this weekend at all.’
‘Oh. OK.’
I admit I was a bit surprised. Crystal had been spending the whole of every Saturday with me for weeks now. It had become such a routine that I suppose I’d come to expect it. Of course, she was perfectly entitled to have a life of her own, and to have other things to do at weekends that didn’t involve me – it was just that she’d always made it sound like she didn’t. That, in fact, being with me and Poppy was all she wanted to do, and as often as possible. She never talked about having any other kind of social life, apart from the self-help group. Perhaps she was going to spend time with some friends from there. Or perhaps she was going to see her brother – she’d mentioned that he occasionally came down from London to see her.
But she didn’t say so, and I didn’t want to appear nosy, or needy, by asking. We sat in an awkward silence for a few minutes, Crystal still not meeting my eyes, and when she jumped up and took our dirty plates to the sink, I took it to mean that the conversation was over. Perhaps, despite being the one who’d suggested it, she didn’t really want to meet my mum – or not yet, anyway. I dropped the subject.
The following day, when there was no visit from Crystal, I was shocked by how odd it felt. Although it had only been a few weeks, our Saturdays together had quickly become such a fun part of my life that I suddenly felt almost bereft without her. I told myself not to be ridiculous. I would just have to do all the usual things with Poppy – the usual things I used to do pre-Crystal – and try to fob off her questions about why Crystal wasn’t there. But Poppy wasn’t having it.
‘Crystal day! Going to the park!’
‘Not today, Pops. Crystal isn’t coming today.’
‘Yes. You said Saturday, Crystal comes. You said!’
‘She has been coming on Saturdays, yes, but today she can’t. She has to… go somewhere else, OK?’
Poppy stamped her foot. ‘No, not OK. I want Crystal.’
‘We can still go to the park, all right? I’ll take you instead.’
‘I want to go with Crystal,’ she insisted, and promptly threw herself on the floor and started crying. I really didn’t have the patience for it, but it was my own fault, I told myself, for letting her get too attached to Crystal so quickly. It stood to reason that there would be days when Crystal couldn’t come round, and I couldn’t have Poppy going into meltdown over it every time.
After she was finally in bed that night, I had my dinner and then got on with some work for an hour or so before watching TV, but I felt suddenly lost, alone, and lonely. I found myself dwelling on my situation, thinking about Jack and what he’d done to me, and it made me even more aware of how different my life would have been by now if Crystal hadn’t come into it.
But there was something else nagging at me, too, something I was trying not to admit to, even to myself. However hard I’d tried to fight it, I couldn’t keep denying it now: I was jealous. It hurt. Hurt that my little girl would rather go to the park with my friend than with me. I was shocked that this had happened so fast – so fast I’d hardly even noticed. I’d just been pleased that they got along so well together, pleased that I had a new friend, one who not only seemed to love Poppy but was also happy to look after her for me. And somehow I’d let it get to the stage where already, Poppy seemed to love her more than me.
Jealousy is such a destructive emotion. And being alone and miserable on a Saturday evening felt so much worse than on all the other days. I gave myself a little shake. Poppy was no different from me: we both enjoyed Crystal’s company, both felt happier when she was around. I shouldn’t be cross with Poppy for expressing her feelings when I’d been feeling exactly the same – lost and lonely because Crystal wasn’t there.