Chapter 30
30
CRYSTAL
It was a stupid excuse. I didn’t think it through. An emergency appointment – I thought Gemma would understand that. Unfortunately, she understood only too well. It was no excuse for not simply going round for a brief chat, no excuse for not going on the Sunday, after I’d supposedly had the tooth treated. No excuse at all. Even if Gemma pretended to believe me, I knew she didn’t. And more to the point, her dad wouldn’t have done, either.
If I’d been in a better frame of mind I’d have thought of a better cover story. And I’d have told Gemma at a sensible, polite, decent time – the week before, not on the day. But of course, I wasn’t in a good frame of mind, not at all. I never was, when I was in the lead-up to one of the visits. I often got to the point where I was even thinking of cancelling. Just not going. Would it have been any worse than going through the agony of how it ended up, every single time?
But it would have. It would have been worse, much worse, and not just for me. It would have been worse for the person who really mattered. Because, however long it took for things to change – if they ever did – there would come a time when we could at least look back and know that I’d made the effort. I kept trying, every month without fail, going through the same pain, the same purgatory , never completely giving up hope. But this time had been no better than all the others – it never was, no matter what I hoped for, no matter what everyone said to encourage me. It was always just as awful. All that pain, all that heartache – and none of it was my fault. That was what I’d never be able to forgive. None of what happened was my fault, but it ruined my life, ruined me .
Gemma thought Jack had ruined her life by leaving her – and I sympathised, I really did, because I knew how that felt. But she had no idea how much worse it could have been. She had no idea of the truth about me. And if I’d told her, it wouldn’t have just been her parents who wouldn’t trust me. I doubted whether she’d ever have allowed me to see my little Poppy again.
So I’d just have to go on with the lies, the half-truths, the feeble excuses – even though I didn’t like myself for doing it. Poppy had saved my life. I couldn’t give her up now.