Chapter 55
55
CRYSTAL
The relief, after I’d told Gemma the whole story, was instant. I felt exhausted, as if I’d been operated on, surgically, and had half of the contents of my brain removed. It had been difficult to answer, when she’d asked why I hadn’t told her before. Although it was true that I’d always been afraid she wouldn’t trust me if she knew the truth, I think if I was completely honest, that was only half of the reason. Perhaps there was a tiny element, too, of not wanting her to know who I was until I was as sure as I could be, of her. Both of us having daughters by the same father was a bond we hadn’t chosen, but one that I sensed could be important to us both, as well as to our children as they grew up. As soon as Gemma saw what I’d seen – that Evie and Poppy weren’t just half-sisters but almost carbon copies of each other – she wouldn’t be able to help feeling the same peculiar, instinctive tug of attraction… like two magnetic surfaces, pulling towards each other… that I’d felt for Poppy, the moment I first looked at her photo.
Whether we liked it or not, our daughters were linked in an amazing, special way, and through them – so were we. Even though Gemma had been angry enough with me – with good cause – to storm over to my place that afternoon, obviously intending to tell me she never wanted me anywhere near Poppy again – what I’d had to tell her had changed the whole picture, inevitably, and I hoped, perhaps permanently.
I loved Poppy, yes, but I do admit I’d got carried away sometimes, pretending to myself that she was Evie – it was hard not to, the likeness was so indisputable. It was wrong, it was hurtful to Gemma and I should have known better. If anyone had behaved like that with Evie, I’d have been outraged. If Gemma was going to give me another chance based purely on the fact that she felt she should because of our connection – the dubious privilege of both having had a child with a cowardly louse called Jack – then it felt a little as if my behaviour was being forgiven for the wrong reasons. I now had a duty, I knew, to prove to Gemma all over again that she could trust me with her daughter – and I wouldn’t expect that trust to be easily regained.
But already, I knew I was going to find it easier, now, to take a step back and love Poppy in a more appropriate way; like the kind ‘auntie’ I really was, instead of like a slightly deranged wannabe mother. Because I was going to be a proper mum in my own right again, soon – Donna had told me she was sure of it now, so was Sarah, our social worker, and I’d finally found the confidence to feel sure of it myself too. Evie was going to come home. We wouldn’t rush it, but we didn’t need to; all I needed was the confidence that she could start to love me again, and I could, finally, start to be a real mum to my own child, all over again. Without the father who’d let us both down in such a spectacular and unforgiveable way.