Chapter 12
twelve
. . .
The rest of the recording session slipped by in a panicked haze. Nikky’s heart wasn’t in it anymore, which Albion noticed. Fortunately for Nikky, he’d tried to get him to play some of the ridiculous pop songs for Charlotte, and they sounded worse than ever.
“Clearly, Nikky knows what sort of music suits his voice and talent,” Charlotte commented when the three of them went out to lunch together. “What’s the purpose of having him play all that kiddie music anyhow?”
Nikky should have been grateful that his manager was sticking up for his true best interests and not the things that would benefit her and the person Hollywood wanted him to be, but he was too busy checking out the open area surrounding the café where they were eating to pay full attention.
“I know what sells,” Albion argued. “I’ve been making hit records and creating stars for decades.”
“Nikky is already a star,” Charlotte said. “He shot to fame in a show that was far more adult than the fluffy tunes you’re trying to get him to play.”
“He’s never going to be an international recording star singing indie nonsense.”
“He’ll sell records regardless of what he’s singing,” Charlotte countered. “He’s already got a name and a huge fan base.”
Even though he was only half paying attention to the conversation, it settled like a rock in Nikky’s stomach anyhow.
Charlotte was probably right, but knowing he’d sell records simply because the fans couldn’t get enough of him and not because the music he created from his heart and soul was good wasn’t what he wanted at all.
He wanted his music and his talent to speak for him.
Probably because he’d never been very good at speaking for himself.
That had to end if he was going to get to the places he wanted to go in life.
“Excuse me,” he said, standing and taking a step back from the table. “I need to make a phone call.”
He began to turn and walk away, but something inside of him, something that had Harry’s warmth and strength wrapped around it but had been pulsing within him for a long time, made him stop and turn back.
“I want to record my own music,” he said.
“I’m not interested in being someone else’s mouthpiece.
I do enough of that through acting. Music was always supposed to be the way I expressed my deepest self.
” He looked straight at Albion and repeated, “I want to record my own music or nothing at all.” And then, as the terror of what he’d just said and done started to creep up on him from the pit of his already unsettled stomach, he murmured, “Excuse me,” again and turned to stride away from the table.
Brave as he’d been, as Nikky left the café, he couldn’t catch his breath.
He only made it halfway down the street before he had to stop and press his back against the wall of the building beside the café to ground himself.
He reached a hand into his pocket to grab his phone, but once he had it, he leaned his head back against the stone and closed his eyes to just breathe for a second.
The sounds and smells of London swirled around him, the traffic and the ambient noise of people going about their business.
A siren sounded in the distance and a few horns honked in argument with each other.
Underpinning it all was the low roar of cars passing and the distant thrum of a plane flying overhead.
It was all so similar to L.A., and at the same time, strangely different.
When he opened his eyes at last, the world continued to buzz around him, passing him by as if he were no one. In that moment, he was no one. No one was looking at him or smiling with recognition. No one eyed him like they were about to approach for a selfie. No one bothered him at all.
It was bliss.
He glanced at his phone. His gut clenched for a second when he saw a text waiting, but when he saw it was from Harry, he blew out a breath of relief and smiled.
“Just checking to see how recording is going,” Harry’s message read.
Nikky pushed away from the wall and headed in the direction of the studio, smile still on his face. “It’s okay,” he typed back. “More of the same. Charlotte likes my music and is advocating for it. I just told Albion I wanted to record my own songs or nothing at all.”
A knot formed in his stomach as he hit send, then walked on. He still couldn’t believe he’d done that. It still felt like the sky might fall, but he’d actually put his foot down about something he wanted. Maybe he was actually learning and growing after all.
It had everything to do with Harry.
His phone buzzed, and he raised it to find Harry had replied with, “Wow! Good for you. And what did Albion say to that?”
Nikky huffed a laugh and typed back, “I don’t know, I ran away before he reacted. Brave but not so brave.”
Three dots appeared right away, then, “Incredibly fucking brave. I’m proud of you.”
Those words shouldn’t have made Nikky giddy, and horny, the way they did. He wasn’t the anxious teen desperate to stay in a place that felt almost like home anymore. He was a grown-ass adult who shouldn’t need an even more grown-ass man to validate his emotions.
But fuck, it felt good.
“Thanks,” he replied, then, “Drew and Lee are back in town and want to go out for supper tonight. Is that okay?”
He looked at his message, then deleted “Is that okay?” and sent it as a statement, not an ask for permission.
Harry replied quickly. “Sounds good. Have fun.”
Nikky grinned at his phone as he reached the studio and strode across the lobby. Maybe it wasn’t too late for him to man up after all.
On second thought, he hated that term. Man up. There was nothing wrong with him being a sensitive soul. That didn’t make him less of a man. He was sure Harry would agree with him.
“Hey, Nikky,” Belinda, the receptionist manning the studio’s front desk, called to him as he passed. “I’ve got a message for you.”
Nikky stopped, brow going up in surprise. “A message?” He veered toward the desk as Belinda held up a piece of paper.
“Just a phone message that came in not more than fifteen minutes ago,” she said, handing the paper over to him with a glittering smile.
Nikky smiled back as he took the paper. It was one thing to have random fans make heart-eyes at him on the street, but it felt entirely different to know Belinda, someone he’d interacted with since arriving in London, evidently liked him.
Random, unearned adoration was unsettling, but smiles from people who knew at least part of the real him were a balm to his soul.
“Thanks.” He saluted her, then headed for the hall that would take him back to the recording booth, where he could make his intended call to Drew to set up dinner plans in peace.
He froze halfway across the lobby as he opened the paper.
“Stuart Holberg. The Savoy. Room 1208. 7:00.”
Nikky nearly threw up. The message would seem innocent to anyone else, to Belinda, but Nikky saw beyond that. It was a threat as clear as day.
He crumpled the paper in his fist, then threw it in the trash can just inside the entrance to the hall. Even then, he picked up his pace and practically ran to the safety of the recording booth.
Once there, he pulled out his phone again. For a second, he stared at it, wanting to call Harry. His finger was already hovering over Harry’s contact info when he changed his mind.
“No,” he said quietly, sitting on the stool he’d been using while recording. “You can’t go running to Harry for every little problem in your life.”
His heart disagreed with him. It remembered the things he’d seen at the club and longed for the kind of connection with Harry where he could hand absolutely everything about his life into Harry’s trusted hands.
They were a long way away from that point, though, if it was even what he truly wanted and not just another way to hide from the things that overwhelmed him.
Instead, he did what he’d said he’d do all along and called Drew.
“Hey,” Drew answered, obviously in a good mood. Upbeat music played in the background, and a few people were talking in the distance. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to solidify our plans for tonight,” Nikky said, alarmed at the way his voice shook slightly.
“Do you want to go big or small?” Drew asked, not picking up on Nikky’s mood.
“Small, definitely,” Nikky said, forcing himself to take a few deep breaths after.
“Cool,” Drew said. “Nikky wants to go someplace quiet,” he went on, probably talking to Lee. In the background, Lee answered, then Drew said, “Lee likes this place called Sandy’s close to the flat. If that works, I’ll send you the address.”
“That works,” Nikky said. He tensed as Albion and Charlotte entered the studio, still arguing, probably over his career. “I’m looking forward to it. I…I could really use an evening out with you guys.”
There was a slight pause before Drew said, “Everything okay?” He’d picked up on Nikky’s anxiety at last.
Nikky could have lied and said everything was fine.
He could have blurted everything out, confessed how unhappy he was with the life they’d both been tossed into so unexpectedly last year.
Drew was the one person on the planet who would understand that.
He could have told his friend about Harry.
He could have shared all the ways Holberg had been stalking him and making increasingly terrifying demands.
He could have mentioned he wasn’t happy with the way Albion wanted to manipulate his career and make him into something he wasn’t, or the fact that, despite being twenty-five, he still felt like the anxious foster kid who knew that rejection meant life-threatening danger.
“Yeah,” he said with no certainty whatsoever. “We’ll talk later.”
“Okay,” Drew said, full of concern. “Stay safe.”
Nikky said goodbye, Drew’s last words fluttering in his gut. Stay safe. Like he’d ever been able to do that. Like safety wasn’t the one thing he craved most in life and always had.
“If you’re done with your precious phone call, let’s get back to work,” Albion spoke through the intercom.