Chapter 17 #2
“There’s a door that lets out behind the hotel that celebrities sometimes leave from, if you want to sneak out,” he said glumly as they made their way in the elevator down to the ground floor.
“Yeah, okay,” Harry said flatly. “I’ll call a car to take us home.”
Nikky nodded. Home. It should have felt good for Harry to use that word. It was the most important word in Nikky’s world. It was right up there with “I love you”. Everything Harry had said should have had him walking on air, but instead it made him feel like he was slogging through mud.
Because Harry was lying to him. Not outright by telling him falsehoods, but definitely lying by omission.
The ride home was awkward, which wasn’t something Nikky was used to feeling around Harry.
He couldn’t let the silence that had crashed down between them go on, so he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind as their taxi wound its way through London to Notting Hill.
“Those fans were nice. It’s encouraging to know people are interested in what I do next. ”
“Yeah, it’s nice of them.”
Nikky nearly sighed in disappointment. He refused to give in to whatever was eating at Harry.
“It’s new and different to have people interested in what I do next.
It’s different to have so many jobs lined up.
Usually, I work for three seconds, then spend the rest of my time going to auditions and waiting tables. ”
“Things are happening for you,” Harry said. The tension had drained out of his voice and body, but he still wouldn’t look directly at Nikky.
“And the Lubavitch film,” Nikky went on, grasping at whatever he could to keep the conversation going.
With any luck, he could steer it around to a point where he could confess to Harry that he loved him, too.
“That will be a game changer. It’s the kind of role I’ve always hoped someone would offer me. ”
Harry turned to study him, slightly flushed and with something strangely panicked in his eyes. “Are you sure that’s what you really want, though?” he asked, his voice clipped and stilted.
Nikky’s heart raced. The question was wrong. Very wrong. Like it was coming from someone else. Like someone else had put Harry up to it.
“Yes,” he answered as calmly as he could, staring hard into Harry’s eyes. “It’s exactly what I want.” He paused, swallowed, then somehow summoned up the courage to ask, “What do you want, Harry?”
Harry’s mouth dropped open, like he’d been planning to say something, but Nikky’s question took him by surprise. Finally, he blew out a breath, stared forward again, and muttered, “I don’t even know anymore.”
It was the most honest thing Harry had said to him in the last hour. It was a cop-out of an answer, but it made Nikky feel better all the same. He reached across and put a hand on Harry’s knee.
Harry melted into a tentative smile, resting his hand over Nikky’s for a second before taking it into his own and threading their fingers together.
They were silent for the rest of the journey. Nikky had no idea what was happening and was still on edge, but his faith that Harry cared about him and was trying to help him was restored.
Once they reached Notting Hill, Harry insisted on carrying Nikky’s suitcase up to his flat even though Nikky could have done it himself.
Nikky thought that was a sign that things were okay between them, but as soon as they had unpacked everything and found places for it among Harry’s things, Harry said, “Listen, I have to go out.”
Nikky’s relief from unpacking evaporated. “Go out? Do you need me to come with you?”
“No,” Harry said, walking into the main room and gathering his things instead of looking at Nikky. “I’ll be fine. I just want to take care of a few things.”
“Okay, sure.” Nikky followed him into the main room like a puppy.
Harry noticed. He broke into an uneasy smile and turned back to slip Nikky into his arms and kiss him. “It’s okay, really,” he said, serious and not at all reassuring. “I’m going to take care of you. I promise.”
“Okay,” Nikky whispered. He wanted to let go of everything and trust Harry completely.
He couldn’t.
“I’ll be back soon,” Harry said, kissing him again before heading for the door.
Seconds later, Nikky was alone and lost in an apartment that wasn’t his with a thousand question marks hanging over his head. “What’s going on?” he murmured, then headed into the kitchen.
He didn’t know what to do with himself. For the first time since arriving in London, he felt lost and adrift, confused about what was happening in his entire life, not just the moment.
It was lunchtime, so he opened Harry’s fridge to see what there was to eat, but his appetite deserted him.
He walked into the main room, flopped on the sofa, and searched for the remote to watch TV, but nothing held his interest.
He nearly shouted in relief when his phone buzzed and Drew’s name showed up on the screen.
“Hey,” he answered the call, throwing too many emotions into the one syllable.
“Hey,” Drew replied, sounding like he was in a good mood. That mood didn’t last. “You okay?”
“Yeah, sure, why wouldn’t I be?”
Of all the things that would convince his best friend nothing was wrong, that was not it.
“What’s going on?” Drew asked, full of concern.
“Nothing. Really,” Nikky lied.
The new voice of courage in the back of his mind screamed at him to tell Drew everything. If anyone could understand and maybe help him, it was Drew. But too many years of tactical silence meant to keep bad situations from getting worse stopped him.
“I moved in with Harry,” he said instead. “Temporarily,” he added quickly.
“Wow,” Drew laughed. “That’s a huge step. So I guess things are moving fast with you two.”
“Are they moving too fast?” he asked. “I mean, I really like Harry. He’s awesome and sexy and…and he takes care of me.”