30. Chapter Thirty
Chapter Thirty
Summer
It’s a lot harder to keep track of time when your brain is mush, and your body refuses to allow you to get out of bed. At least, that’s my excuse for not getting out of bed.
As I open my eyes and stare at the closet door in Chloe’s room, I think about time and why we keep track of it to begin with. Every minute, every hour, every day that passes is exactly the same as before. The only difference is the sun sets and rises as the Earth spins.
Whoever invented time makes me angry. You either have too much time or not enough. There is simply no in-between. And right now, I don’t want any of it.
Birds are chirping right outside the window and the bright light peaks through the closed blinds as I lay snuggled up in the cozy sheets. My insides wallow themselves in self-pity, hating that this has been a routine of mine each time my eyes open.
It’ll get better , I keep reminding myself. But truthfully, I’m not certain it will.
A loud clash from outside the bedroom door startles me. My hand dashes underneath the pillow where I have the fully loaded gun. The safety is on. I made sure of that multiple times. I don’t pull the gun out from underneath the pillow, but I grip it like my life depends on it.
I’m not sure why I feel the need to hold it in my hands so tightly. It’s only ever Chloe and I here. But whatever the reason, feeling it makes me feel safer.
“Summer,” Chloe calls out before knocking on the door twice. “Are you decent?”
Sucking in air, I release the hold I have on the gun and bring both my hands to my head on top of the pillow. “Yeah.”
She swings the door open, popping a leg out with her hands on her hips. I leave my eyes on her closet, unable to focus on anything else. But I can still see Chloe shake her head from the corner of my eye.
She walks over to the bed, gripping the blanket in her hands, and rips them off me aggressively.
“What the fuck!” I yell. Aggravation is a new parallel to how I feel. Broken, bounded, and insecure.
Chloe approaches her dresser and begins to shuffle through her drawers. “You need to get up. I’ve allowed you to swallow yourself in my bed for the past two weeks. It’s time for you to get some sunlight.”
I watch as she aimlessly pulls out a shirt, examines it, and tosses it back in.
“I’m not feeling so well, Chlo.” That’s also not a complete lie either. It’s just not an illness that has taken a toll on me. It’s sadness, fear, agony even.
Chloe turns around, putting her hands back on her hips. It’s the arch of her eyebrow that catches my attention, causing me to perch up on the bed and sigh.
“You need to get out of the house,” she finally says after a quick staring contest. “Your skin is pale, and if you don’t brush your hair soon, we’ll have to cut that knot out and leave it out for the birds to tumble with.”
I almost laugh, but then I glance in the mirror behind her and cringe. “It is pretty bad, isn’t it?”
Chloe gives me a sad smile. “No judgment here, but we’re going out. We can have a couple of drinks, dance, and have some fun. After that, you can come back here and drown yourself in my sheets all over again. At least you’ll have some sort of human interaction for a couple of hours.”
“Have I got a choice?”
“Nope,” she says, popping the p and throwing a pair of clean shorts and a pretty floral blouse my way. “Get out of your slump and get your ass in the shower. You have two hours.”
I roll my eyes, snatch the clothes, and make my way into the bathroom. There’s very little energy left within me for any arguments. Plus, I know I can’t be bedridden for the rest of my life. It’s time I start making a change. A difference.
I need to start focusing on myself and figure out what I want to do with my life.
After cleaning up, I get dressed and thoroughly blow-dry my hair. Then, I head back into Chloe’s room. I stare at myself in the mirror, needing a good look. My eyes fall to my neck, remembering the pressure my father had on my throat. The bruising has subsided tremendously, barely visible unless pointed out, but I don’t risk it being noticed. I don’t want to answer questions that I’m not ready to answer.
Grabbing Chloe’s foundation, I spackle a little bit over the light yellow and gray, blending it up my neck and over my jawline. Chloe’s skin is slightly darker than mine, but I do my best to make it work.
“Here, this matches. You can put your phone and wallet in it, so you don’t have to carry that obnoxious backpack everywhere.” Chloe hands me a white leather purse.
I give a small smile, taking the purse from her hand. “Thank you for everything.”
She looks at me with sympathy. “Don’t thank me. You would do the same for me.” I sigh, looking back at myself in the mirror. My eyes meet Chloe’s for a second before she reached into her small makeup bag and pulled out eyeliner and mascara. “Come here.”
I turn to her, and she pops open the eyeliner, and helps create a beautiful smokey look on the top of my eyelids, moving onto a little under the bottom. She then tops it off with mascara.
When I turn back to the mirror, I choke on a laugh. “I look ridiculous.”
“You look sexy,” she teases, biting her bottom lip and scrunching her nose. “OK, let’s go.”
Groaning, I grab my phone off the nightstand and turn it on. I frown seeing that there hasn’t been a single call or text from my father. Maybe he feels embarrassed for what he has done.
Good, he should.
I tuck my phone into the purse, glancing back to ensure Chloe isn’t in the doorway—luckily, she isn’t. Swiftly, I slip my hand under the pillow, stow the gun in the purse, and button the small button before slinging the bag over my shoulder. My heart rate rises, yet a few deep breaths are all it takes to calm it.
“I’m ready,” I say to Chloe as I walk into the living room, where she waits for me.
She nods, and I follow her into her car, allowing her to drive me where she plans to take me this afternoon.
The drive is quiet, the air still, and I want nothing more than to be OK and actually enjoy going out with Chloe. In truth, I can’t pretend to be OK any longer. And so, I’m not. She makes me laugh, even through the sadness. But the pain is too deep and sucks me down until there is almost nothing left.
It’s a tricky balance, really.
Should I expect something else? I’m not sure. All I know is that what my father had done… twice.
“You OK?”
I turn my head to Chloe slowly. She keeps her focus on the road, but I give her a little smile anyway. Deep down, I know it’s fake, but I don’t want her to know that.
“I’m fine. Everything is fine.” But it’s not.
She breathes. “Good. Everything will be OK. If just for a few hours, I promise.”
I turn my head to look back out the passenger window when my heart leaps. I hadn’t realized the direction Chloe was going. But now that I’m looking in front of us, anger is brewing inside of me. Or is that sadness?
“Why are you taking me to this field?” The words come out harsh, but I can’t help it. She knows how much I’ve had to deal with. The last thing I need is to be in the field that reminds me of the man who shattered my heart and used me.
“Can you trust me?” Chloe glances at me briefly before moving her gaze back onto the road. Then, flicking the blinker on, she turns into the Tale’s Gate Recreation Field parking lot.
The commons where I first saw Alec Sokolov play.
“Take me back,” I demand through clenched teeth. “Take me back right now.”
Chloe’s chest rises, but her expression remains blank. “Summer, I am your best friend. Sisters from another mister. I would never do anything that wouldn’t benefit you.”
“Benefit me?” I scowl. “How is you taking me here where his band is playing beneficial?”
She breathes. “Trust me, Summer.”
Un-fucking-believable.
Crowds of people gather together, walking the pathway toward the field. I don’t bother getting out of the car when Chloe does.
From my peripheral, I see Chloe sigh. I can’t hear her through the car’s closed windows, but she throws her head back dramatically. She strides around the vehicle, stopping at the passenger window. I hover my finger over the lock button and press it.
She can drag me out of bed, but like hell is she going to drag me out of this car to see the person I was falling deeply for? There’s no way. Chloe brings her knuckles to the window, knocking twice.
“Come on,” she shouts, her voice slightly lower from the glass separating us. I shake my head and blink back the water that threatens my eyes. My chin wobbles, and I try to fight that, too. “Summer Layne Raleigh, unlock this door right now and talk to me.”
I eye her for a moment, anger brewing inside of me. I’m not sure why, but I unlock the door and open it. When I do, she steps forward so I can’t close it again.
“Listen, a wise friend of mine once told me that to overcome the pain building inside of you, you must face it. Accept it. I didn’t take you here to hurt you. I took you here because you need to give him a chance to explain. Or at least watch the show, and if you decide you can’t talk to him because it’s too much, fine. I’ll take you home and let you wallow some more.”
Home . She called her place my home.
I take a deep breath. “Fine. But I hate you right now.”
Her lips pull up. “That’s OK because I still love you.”
Chloe links her arm with mine and pulls me down to the open field, where we maneuver through handfuls of fans until we’re in a less crowded spot off to the side. The stage is in clear view, and my stomach churns, nerves clawing their way through my body.
Everything is the same as it was the first time I was here. Girls swooning over the band, decked out in their merch. It’s almost like I’m experiencing this for the first time all over again.
Chloe wraps her arm around my waist and gives me a side hug, her head touching my shoulder. “You’ll be OK,” she reassures me, but I don’t believe it.
Being here is a challenge in itself. One that I would have never taken.
I watch as James and Tyler walk onto the stage, preparing for the show to start. Something inside of me twists as Samantha emerges next. Jealousy. Anger. I’m not sure which, but if I had to guess, it’s both.
My heart thuds wildly against my ribcage, and my chest tightens as I attempt to inhale. My palms become clammy with sweat, and I drag them along the hem of my shorts, hoping to get rid of the stickiness.
Anxiety rises, coursing through my body and weakening my muscles. Everyone starts chanting, excitement breezing through the air. I clamp my eyes shut, hoping that just for a moment, it’ll help tamp down the chaos.
I’m afraid. I’m petrified to open my eyes. Scared that my emotions will be exposed and leave me vulnerable. If I open my eyes, I’ll cry. The second I see him, an uncontrollable wave will splash against me and knock me down.
I can’t let that happen.
I’m so sick of crying.
But what do I do anyway? Open up my eyes. They land directly on Alec as his hand effortlessly strums the strings of his black guitar. Chloe dances on the side of me, keeping her arm still against my lower back. It’s comforting but not enough.
Alec sings beautifully, and I hate the flutters in my stomach that bang against my insides. I hate that his voice brings goosebumps to my skin.
As the first song ends, I exhale, not realizing I had held my breath for so long. It doesn’t go unnoticed that Tyler nudges his head, subtly calling for a private meeting in the back of the stage.
I glance at Chloe, who gives me a soft smile, her eyes full of hope. Not to break it to her, but that hope will fade soon. Looking at Alec’s side profile, I see him smile.
I miss that smile.
Traitor.
The tiny little box I locked away for safekeeping is failing me.
Alec swings the guitar strap over his shoulder and head, resting it against the stage’s back wall before going back to the front microphone.
He clears his throat. “How is everyone?” They respond with screams and cheers. He chuckles. “That’s what I like to hear… listen, we’re doing something a little different for this next song. But I’m going to need some help.”
Everyone screams, buzzing through my eardrums.
Shaking my head, I glance at Chloe. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this right now.” I push myself out of her arms and start to walk away, but she stops me. That’s not what pulls my attention back, though. It’s the sound of my name flowing through the speakers.
“Summer,” he breathes through the microphone. My eyes dart to Chloe’s, the corner of her lip tilting upward. My heart sinks.
“What did you do?” I manage to rush out in near panic.
Chloe shrugs, her eyes narrowing in worry.
“I know you’re here, and I know I screwed up,” Alec starts. I feel like everyone is staring at me when, in truth, nobody knows he’s referring to me. If I can sneak away and pretend this never happened, I won’t have anything to worry about. “Please. I need you up here,” he continues.
“Chloe, let go of my arm.” I try to fight my way out, but her grip tightens, and my blood heats from the rage flowing through my veins.
“I’m not letting you walk away,” she says.
“I hate you. I hate you so much, Chloe,” I choke.
“That’s OK.” Chloe holds me tighter, hugging me as the tears leak down my face.
My eyes move toward the stage, struggling to look at the friend who betrayed me. They land on Alec, who glances down at his Vans. I see his chest rise as he exhales, a frown on his face, and my heart pulls against my ribs.
He adjusts the mic closer to his mouth. “I surrender my soul to you. Over and over again. I understand if you can’t forgive me, but please know I will forever give myself to you. In this life. In another life. My heart is yours.”
My eyes widen and I'm not sure if I'm breathing anymore.
All I can hear now is whispers from everyone around me.
“I can’t be here, Chloe. Please let me go,” I beg, the tears soaking the top of my blouse.
“Not until you go up there.”
I look at her painfully. But it’s something in her eyes that has me blowing out a breath and making my way across the field. My throat closes on me on the walk there, my heart thudding loudly in my ears. This feels like a dream. A nightmare.
My anxiety increases as I reach the stairs, trying to drown out the large crowd of people that is now looking right at me, shocked, nonetheless.
Being the center of attention has never been my cup of tea.
The strong built security man allows me to pass, and I hastily climb the few stairs and look at James, who is closest to me. His eyes are full of adoration, and he nudges his head toward Alec with a slight smile on his face.
I want to shake my head. I want to kick and scream and run out of town and never look back, but I can’t move. My body is stiff, and my nerves are simply out of control. It feels like claws are scratching my throat and opening my wounds.
Alec looks up at me, his stormy eyes full of just as much sadness as mine. He manages to smirk still, but it’s not big enough for anyone else to notice.
Pressing his lips together in a thin line, he nods, realizing that I’m not going to come any closer. His tattooed arm swings up to grab the mic and takes it off the stand. The low melody of James’s bass picks up, followed by the rest of the instruments.
And Alec’s voice.
He sings, walking closer to me. I tense, but I'm still nailed to this very spot. He’s so close now. His fingers feather along my arm as he makes his way down to my hand, removing the grip I have on my purse strap and linking our fingers together. I let him.
I can’t believe I let him.
But suddenly, as he brings me to the center of the stage, everyone disappears. It’s like we’re the only two people standing here. Something strange grows in my belly, but I can’t fight whatever it is.
He turns around, faces me, and sings softly in the microphone. We’re mere inches apart. I can smell his expensive cologne. It smells so good.
He smells so good.
He brushes his hand delicately along my cheek as he sings, tucking a small strand of hair behind my ear. I lean into his touch, clamping my eyes shut for a moment. The warmth of his skin against mine sends a warm sensation through me. The tension in my muscles eases, but it’s not enough to make me feel even slightly OK.
Every fiber of my being is fighting to keep my little box locked up, but it’s no use.
He pinches my chin with his fingers, forcing me to look up at him. And I do. Because he is everything, and I hate him for it.
He releases a deep breath and lowers his arm as the last note fades away. The crowd erupts in applause. His grip on the mic loosens. It slips out of his hand, falling onto the stage with a soft but loud thud that echoes through the speakers.
His breathing is deep and rapid.
All of a sudden, he grabs my face in his hands, bends down, and crashes his mouth to mine. It’s slow but deep. Exhilarating. My breath whooshes from my lungs, but my eyes are wide until they slowly start to flutter closed.
His tongue brushes against mine, and I allow the movement, letting him have a taste. Ignoring the sound of everyone’s gasps, I take what he has to give. Making it mine, even for this short moment.
His hand firmly holds my head as he kisses me with intensity and passion, enveloping the both of us in a wave that sends a surge of arousal through my core.
I’ve spent countless moments wondering what his lips felt like… what he tasted like. Never had I expected to feel like I’m floating. Tiny butterflies flap around in the bottom of my stomach and chest, blooming throughout my entire being.
All my emotions, everything I had locked up, have come bursting out unwillingly. As each butterfly flies away, a tiny piece of my heart goes with it. I feel exposed and a little vulnerable but somehow lighter and free.
He finally breaks the kiss and stares at me deeply. My chest rises and falls fast. I do everything I can to regulate whatever I’m feeling.
A small tear slips down my cheek from the overwhelming pain and emotions I’m enduring. Alec’s thumb brushes it away, and I lean into his touch again.
“ Anywhere but here …” I whisper so only he can hear, and he smiles, pressing a kiss on the top of my head and wrapping his arms around my body.