FIVE
“DO I SPEAK before I think?” Roxie asked, phone on the pillow next to her face.
“I don’t know, I’ll have to think about that.”
“Ha, ha,” she said without intonation. “Casanova—”
“I’m more worried about acting before you think. Rourke got you in.” The tablet. “Have you checked it out?”
“Not yet,” she said, relaxing onto her back, staring at the ceiling through the darkness.
“But I will, don’t think I won’t. We ended up drinking on the patio for a while.
” Until she’d come up to bed, but she had no idea of the time.
Hmm, the background of the call was oddly quiet. “Are you at the club?”
“I’m upstairs.”
That meant in their place, which was almost concerning. “Why? Is it that late?”
“I missed you. I’ve got too used to having you on the couch beside me. Gets cold when you’re gone.”
That was so a line, his swaggering tone betrayed that. Yet, still, she fell for it. She’d given herself over to him long ago, no point resisting it now.
“And you were waiting for me to call? Aww…” Sometimes she understood why her friends swooned. “Baby, that’s so sweet.”
His humor grew with his smile. “Then why does it sound like you’re mocking me?”
She laughed. “I may not get Zairn Lomond: The Legend as he’s known across the world, but I get my legend here, where it matters. I’m not mocking you…” In fact, her own heart hurt right then. “I’ve never been one of those women to believe in…”
“Happily ever after?”
“Not just that, I… With every guy before you there was work, not work, more like… obligation. Not in a bad way, just, you know, what I should or shouldn’t say, tasks or events I took on because I should not because I wanted to… My whole life, I never realized that…”
What was she trying to say?
“Love was easy?”
Perfect. See? She didn’t need to know because he knew for her.
“Love is easy…” Rolling onto her side again, she tucked her hands beneath her cheek.
“Even almost three thousand miles away, it feels like you’re right here with me.
” Not physically, of course. If that were true, given her mood, there would be less talking, less clean talking anyway.
“I always feel you with me. You’re a part of me. ”
“Wow, you have been on the wine tonight,” he said as she tipped up the screen to see his smile again. “You only get like this on grapes.”
“Maybe I miss you too.” Truth was, she always missed him, any time they weren’t in the same room, any time they weren’t touching. “Is that okay?”
“That’s okay, Lo. Inevitable. Required.”
“Do you think Roux and Rourke will ever have kids?”
“I don’t know.” No matter how left field her questions, he answered them. Secrets didn’t exist between them. Man, she had matured. “Never given it much thought. That kid would need a lot of therapy.”
Rourke could afford it.
“People are getting so grown up,” she said.
“When did that happen? I’m married. Married!
Jane is getting married, though she doesn’t know it yet.
Roux’s married. Lilya’s having babies. It happens so quickly.
One day you’re partying until you can’t stand up, then the next you’re saying vows and peeing on sticks. ”
The brief silence came with a slight frown on his brows.
“Are you peeing on sticks?”
“Mmm, naughty Casanova…” She snickered. “I didn’t know that was your thing.”
“Roxanna—”
“I know. I know. No peeing on sticks without you. Sequoia is peeing on sticks; I’m not peeing on sticks. Do you want me to pee on sticks?” Her head rose a little from the pillow. “Are you ready for—”
“I’m ready when you’re ready, Lo, you know that.”
“You’re a guy, you have a million years.”
“Give or take a millennium, thanks for the vote of confidence.”
“You’re the kind of guy that even long after your brain is dead, your cock will still work.”
“Not sure hospitals check for that.”
“They better. That’s dangerous for a guy like you.” No, hey, new perspective. “Dangerous for me! I don’t want random kids coming out of the woodwork claiming a slice of the pie.”
“You’re getting off topic again.”
Man, she wanted to feel the warmth of his chest beneath her cheek, to feel the pulse of his heart. To say missing him wasn’t enough. Like in so many areas of their relationship, the language just didn’t exist to express the depth of truth between them.
“Does it ever scare you?”
“We talked about the wedding—”
“Not the wedding.” Though the wedding’s proximity was probably the cause of her nostalgia. “How close we came to losing us.”
“You really have been hitting the bottle. We’ve talked about this. I would never let that happen, not then, not now.”
“Sometimes I hate myself for it. The cues I missed. The way I treated you, being so glib—”
“You didn’t know this was this then.”
“How did you know and I didn’t?”
Still that really pissed her off.
“Experience, Lo. Shit, you had me almost from the get-go. I’m not the kind of guy who feels this way. Women… they’ve never been in short supply, but you… Roxanna…”
“If you’d pushed too much, I would’ve run away.”
“You did run away,” he said. “I don’t think about those days, not in terms of regrets. Everything we went through brought us here. Right here, baby. Isn’t this where you want to be?”
She sighed. “I’d rather you be under me right here.”
“I can get on a plane, but—”
“I know. It would be tomorrow by the time you got here.”
Not tomorrow but later that day, they had to be in the early morning hours, somewhere in that ballpark. After sleep, that was better, he wouldn’t get there until after she was up. Not better but… Oh, her brain hurt.
For a few seconds, maybe a minute, might’ve been two, they just existed together. In peace. In quiet. As they would if they were alone in the same bed.
“What are you going to do about Crosby?” he asked, his voice a little huskier than before.
He’d be tired. He should be, it was a long day for him, longer than hers. In the name of love and care, she should send him to bed… just one more minute.
“Has he been in touch?” Maybe there was something he hadn’t told her… yet. No secrets, no lies didn’t mean no suspense. “Is he bothering Salad?”
“If he was bothering Salad, I would’ve told you. I didn’t tell anyone else about this.”
“Because you think I’ll get into trouble?”
“Babe—”
“You’re right,” she said.
“It’s a symbiotic relationship.”
“I know that but this time it—it’s different this time.”
“Why is it different?”
“There’s a world out there. A whole bunch of people. They gobble this stuff up—”
“We need those people, Lo. You love those people. You play to this shit, you’ve never had a problem with it. I always give you the lead with media strategy.”
Because she wasn’t a defer type of woman. Some of their early memories adopted a different hue, knowing now what she didn’t then.
“It’s different,” she murmured. “I love you more than I love those people. This is your wedding too, you should be happy. This should be one of the happiest times in your life. You should be allowed to enjoy it just the same as everyone else without fielding wild, ridiculous accusations.”
“I got the girl; I don’t need anything else.”
“I feel sorry for her.”
Not “the girl” because she was the girl he got. The woman in the story, the fake mistress, she was the one who deserved their sympathy.
“I know. Do you really think this will matter? Shit happens, we deal with it. In the long run, who cares? When we look back at our lives…” He wasn’t all that big on looking back when forward was an option. “We’ll remember the wedding. We’ll remember the love. This will mean squat.”
Again, he was right, she took a deep breath.
“People are exploited for… Why do assholes like Whey get away with being the scum of the earth? No one comments on his life and he actually is having an affair.” More than one, no doubt.
“You’re incredible. Smart. Funny. Gorgeous.
You’re so kindhearted, so generous. You take so many hits—you’re a good man, Zairn Lomond.
So good. God, it doesn’t cover it when—I love you. ”
Their relationship was solid. She didn’t care what people thought about that so long as her and Zairn knew the truth. Which they did. This wasn’t about her or them, it was about such an incredible man being so misunderstood.
“What we are is not their business.”
Those soft words did so much to bring her peace.
“Never.”
“Isn’t it what you tell your girls? Providing you and I are on the same page, that’s all you care about. We’re impervious to the bullshit.”
“I care about you first, before anything else. What if, with this or something else, they really hurt you and I don’t see it.
I don’t want you to go through anything alone.
They’re always coming after you. It’s a game, I get that, and, you’re right, I do enjoy playing it most of the time. I do… but if anything was to hurt you…”
Sometimes she wanted to do more. For all his talents, Zairn wasn’t the best at advocating for himself and often (see: always) put others ahead of himself.
If anyone should be defending him, it should be his girl.
Her missing signals had almost cost them their relationship once and Zairn got hurt.
That wouldn’t happen again, she wouldn’t let it.
In the last year and a half, she’d learned the best way to ensure their intimacy was to give voice to her thoughts.
To him. Zairn taught her the importance of communication.
Even when she was muddled, only half making sense, she still said the words out loud to him.
It always— always —made it better, cured her, soothed her… How had she ever survived without him?
“You know me better than anyone else ever has or will, Roxanna.”
“But I get distracted sometimes,” she said, frustrated at herself, “with the fun of it, the theater. It’s hot to have you like that, for us to be in on our own secret, our own truth, for them to get it so wrong. Except I could get caught up in the game and miss that something’s tearing you apart.”