30. Adelaide
THIRTY
ADELAIDE
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The first time I opened my eyes, I remembered my head throbbing and my throat crying for water. I remembered Christian lifting me to take a sip which felt like heaven before I fell back asleep.
The second time I woke up, the room was dark—the only light was moonlight shining in through the windows—the sound of relentless, unintelligible sobbing pulled me out of a daze.
Christian sat on a ripped couch with his head in one hand. His shirt clung to his body. His other hand covered his mouth, attempting to muffle the sounds of his unintelligible sobs as his shoulder shook.
My heart broke at the sight of him.
I remembered mouthing his name, wanting to hug him. I remembered my body being so weak that I was pulled back into a lure.
The next time I woke up, Christian was gone, and Umaima pulled me into her chest. “You scared the living shit out of me.”
She squeezed the life out of me.
Just as I was about to pull away, she squeezed me harder. “I thought I lost you, Addie.”
Fainting on my period only happened once since being diagnosed with PCOS. This was now the second.
All the limbs in my body gave up on functioning. I didn’t have the energy to stand or to hug Umaima back. All I could do was soak in her love and hope it would be enough to get me out of here.
“I’m okay, you know?” The hoarseness of my voice hurt my throat. “It’s just a little blood.”
Umaima shook her head with quick, rigid movements. “You lost a lot of blood, Adelaide. You fainted at your wedding and were out all night even when the doctor tried to wake you up. We were so fucking scared because they weren’t telling us anything.”
With that, I managed a laugh. “The doctors don’t know how to handle women with issues like mine. It would’ve been better to take me home.”
“Seriously?” She stood from the bed and paced the room with a hand on her hips. “You were lifeless, completely out on the ground in front of all those people. We were helpless because we didn’t know what the fuck happened. We care about you, Adelaide. To you, your life might seem insignificant and small—but to me, it’s everything. If you faint or scratch your fucking ankle, you bet I’m taking you to the hospital and won’t take no’s for an answer.”
The sterile scent of the hospital disappeared into the background. My fingers trembled with the quick movement of brushing away a fallen tear. It’s hard letting yourself get taken care of when it feels like a burden. Yet, Umaima’s protective tone and patience with me awakened the need to be hugged.
“Thank you,” I croaked. “For bringing me here.”
She stopped pacing, hands falling to her sides. “I never brought you here. Christian did.”
Whatever she saw on my face forced her to continue. “He was unhinged, Addie. He picked you up in his arms and ran to the hospital from the church.”
“He… What? ”
She perched up on the bed. “He was a mess. Hasan called the ambulance, but he couldn’t wait. He ran five miles with you in his arms to get you here.”
Why would he do that for me?
I thought back to the morning at the graveyard, to him sitting on the wet muddy ground and talking to my parents without a care in the world. He showed himself as cold and rough and unapproachable. But deep down, Christian was made out of glass and the cracks were showing.
“Where is he?” I pulled the blanket off of me and forced myself to get up.
“Uh-uh, nope.” With a tender shove, Umaima pushed me back down. “He’s your husband now, you have all the time in the world to see him. For now, rest.”
She wore a quirky smirk like she knew exactly why I wanted to go to Christian.
“I need to see him.”
My best friend stared at me. Our eyes held a heated conversation.
She ripped the blanket off of me. “Fuck it, you only live once.”
I smiled, “Thank you.”
Although I still felt dizzy and needed to sleep in a real bed, Christian was the only thought in my mind.
I was done fighting him.
He ran five miles with me in his arms.
I’d never hated Christian, and at this moment, I realized I’d never once wanted to.
Because I really did love him.
Not the kind of love friends felt for each other, or the kind of love exes could have.
But the kind of love that was wholly unique for Christian. It simmered beneath my skin and now it overflowed.
Seven years ago, he broke my heart.
Those shattered pieces scattered across the world, and I’d been collecting them one by one—only to find out Christian carried them around in his hands.
Fingers scraped, hands bled, but he didn’t care. He held on tightly and if I’d known from the beginning it was going to be like this—I was going to feel like this—I would have never stayed away.
If my life was a story and people read my book, they’d call me an idiot for letting myself fall for Christian again when he ruined me.
But isn’t that what love is?
Someone’s ruin and downfall?
It’s not pure, it’s not easy, it’s not good.
Love would always be the villain, but I was tired of fighting it.
Umaima drove me to Christian’s penthouse in West Chelsea.
I didn’t stop to notice we were in one of the most expensive areas in New York.
“Here,” she handed me a card. “Osama told me this should help you inside.”
“When did you have the time to do this?”
“I knew how you’d react the moment you found out what he did.”
“You knew I?—”
“I’m your best friend. If I didn’t know, who would?”
She had a point.
“I’m not a fan of how he treated you back then, but I’ve never seen you like this.”
Curiosity piqued my interest. “Like what?”
Umaima clacked her teeth. “Happy.”
“Happy is pushing it.”
Her fingers drummed along the steering wheel. “This is a new you, Adelaide. Or maybe it’s the old you, I don’t know. But I’ve never seen you carefree and laid back, regardless of the circumstances you’re in.” She turned in the seat and lazily draped her arm over the wheel. “You always overthink, never share your feelings even when you should, but now? You’re talking and I’m listening, and this is progress .”
“I’ve always talked,” that laugh came out of me involuntary and incredibly hesitant.
She gave me a look. “You talk to listen, but you never talk to be heard.”
I’d never thought about it like that before.
Technically, I knew my anxiety prevented a lot of great conversations. This though? To some extent, Umaima was right.
Whenever I talked, I made sure it reflected that I listened to the other person. It’d never been to be listened to.
On cue, anxiety retreated to its usual spot in my chest—doing whatever it did when it started messing with me.
“So,” I cleared my throat. “Osama gave you a card without any questions?” I asked. “That doesn’t seem very Osama-like.”.
She blew air into her cheeks and looked at me like she had enough of me changing the subject all the time.
“How about we not question it and get you inside, hmm?”
Midway to opening the door, I whipped myself around.
Umaima’s eyes widened with questions. “What?”
“What if he isn’t home?”
A deep, belly laugh.“He told me to watch you while he went home to freshen up. I promise you he’s inside.”
“What if he doesn’t want to see me?”
She made a disgusted face. “Then I’ll beat his ass.”
The universe truly gifted me with the bestest friend.
“But what if–”
“No more what ifs! If you want that man, go get that man.”
“What if I get hurt?” It was subdued, but Umaima caught it and squeezed my hand.
“The past will continue to eat you from the inside if you don’t burn it. I know it’s hard turning back towards someone who left you, but there’s no man in this world who’d fly all the way to another country to buy a rare diamond ring and run with her in his arms.”
It was enough encouragement for now.
Adrenaline and remaining feelings absorbed into my skin, piercing away the exhaustion and the heavy cramps spasming in my uterus.
The security guard of the condo let me in without question. I was really a married woman—Christian really was my husband.
My mind skirted through the script in my head. I’d start with how my feelings arose when I saw him again, how my body’s reaction to him confused my heart, yet I didn’t mind it, how badly I wanted to have him near me at all times. I’d tell him about how I wanted him to kiss me at our wedding and how I would have let him have his way with me after.
I’d tell him that I was madly in love with him despite wanting to keep my distance from him.
The cardholder changed from red to green. With a push to the modern handle, I opened the door and gawked at the penthouse.
Sharp sunlight flooded into his space, echoing the shades of black and white.
The door shut with a subtle ding as I walked into Christian’s home. I assumed his house would be empty and dark like he showed himself to be.
But once again, I was proven wrong.
Christian put on a mask for the rest of the world.
Would he take that mask off for me if I asked?
A quiet meow feathered against my leg. That’s when I—not only noticed I still had my hospital gown on—but also how damn adorable cats were.
The brown British shorthair looked up at me with its deep gold eyes. When it purred again, I couldn’t resist despite my abdomen clenching in pain.
“Hello, lovely.” I cooed while running my hand from the neck to its back. “You’re an adorable little kitty, aren’t you?”
The cat nudged its head on my hand.
“Adelaide,” said a voice that commanded the attention of not only my body, but my soul. I stood from my spot on the ground and turned to face Christian.
He was fresh out of the shower, wearing nothing but loose pants that hung low on his lips.
My throat strained.
I wasn’t sure if I needed plain water to quench my physical thirst or Umaima’s Zamzam water to quench my horny one.
When my gaze landed on his eyes, it threw me back.
Something was wrong.
“What are you doing here?” Cold and lifeless, Christian stood in front of me like he had no care in the world.
“We’re married,” is what I came up with.
In the corner, near one of the largest overlooking windows was his kitchen. “What does that have to do with you being here?” He walked over to the island and poured himself a glass of water.
It’s like he forgot all about yesterday.
Glass met marble and the sound bounced off each corner of his penthouse.
“Go back to the hospital, Adelaide.”
Why’s he being mean?
“Not without knowing the truth,” I walked out of the living space to stand a couple of feet away from him.
He stiffened, “What truth?”
Cool. He wanted to play it the hard way.
I wouldn’t take it. Not today.
No more beating around the bush.
“Why’d you run for me?”
He shut his eyes.
“Why’d I wake up in the middle of the night to your sobs?”
Nostrils flared and fingers tightened around the marble top.
Desperation ripped out of me. “Why don’t you let me in ?—”
“ Why don’t you take care of yourself?” He strutted towards me. Eyes glazed with rage. “Why didn’t you tell me about your fucking health issues?”
Face to face, chest to chest, heart to heart.
Nevertheless, we couldn’t be further apart.
“Why do I always have to be the one solving your problems?”
He hurled the question with so much venom it repulsed me.
Did I imagine his softness? His care?
Hushed and inaudible. I asked, “My health is a problem for you?”
“ You are a problem for me.” His muscles tensed as he turned his back to me.
Anger untied itself from the tips of my hair and dragged me down to the pits of hell where I couldn’t care less about love and its crappy feelings. There was only so much I could take before I’d hurt again.
This was stupid—I was an idiot for coming here.
Christian didn’t care about me.
Here I was, planning to plant my feelings at his feet and expecting him to water them.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Did me fainting ruin your damn reputation?”
The glare did nothing but make him snap.
“You ruined the whole fucking plan with your stunt.”
“Stunt?” My legs moved on their own accord to stand in front of him. “You think I wanted to faint and embarrass myself in front of all those people?”
“No, I think you wanted to embarrass me in front of them.” He folded an arm over his chest.
I didn’t recognise the man in front of me.
The one who glanced out through the window and barely met my gaze.
The one whose eyes hid all the secrets I wanted the key too.
“Why would I do that?”
He shrugged. “As payback for that morning.”
“I’m not some petty girl who’ll take revenge because of something you said.”
“Congrats, want me to plan a fucking celebration?”
“What’s wrong with you? You were fine yesterday, we got married, you smiled, we smiled at each other. Now you’re being a…”
A mocking smirk. “A dick. Say it, sweet Adelaide.”
“Stop it,” I hissed.
“Stop what?”
“Being like this. You’re acting different.”
“Because of you and your little act.”
It was like a slap to my face. He couldn’t mean it. There was nothing in it for me to pretend. If I wanted to, I would’ve done it the moment I started walking down that aisle.
We were husband and wife, married, and together.
Blaming me entirely for the pain I never sought—the pain that began with the heartbreak he caused—was utterly selfish .
“It wasn’t an act.” The tear fell down my cheek before it allowed me to wipe it away. “Do you know what that felt like for me? I was in pain, Christian. In severe, blood-curling pain. I held it in, so I didn’t humiliate the both of us.”
“I doubt it even hurt as bad as you made it seem.”
My insides felt like they were biting at each other when it happened. I tried to stay upright, I tried to talk to Harry and flirt with him. My body was at war with itself, stress and anxiety fought each other, and it exploded in an enigmatic fire with me right in the middle.
“Excuse me?”
“It’s the truth, isn’t it? PCOA or whatever the fuck it’s called—the doctor’s said it’s never anything serious. You were acting to get out of your fucking panic attacks.” He dismissed my pain with a menacing wave. “Even if it hurts, it’s on you for not taking care of yourself.”
“There was a cyst in my ovaries that ruptured, and you think I was faking the pain.”
“Can’t be too bad if you’re here right now.”
Another tear fell down my cheek. I didn’t move to wipe it. What was the point?
These tears were responsible for watering the overgrown weeds around the sanctuary of my heart. I’d been a fool to believe Christian in the ways I had.
Whatever sun he’d been under for the past seven years melted his kindness and turned him into this. There might be another mask under this layer, however I no longer cared enough to try and peel it off.
I remembered the reasons why I wanted to keep my distance—why I wanted to stay away from him as much as possible.
It was because of this.
If a man could leave you begging on his floor, he could do anything to ruin you.
Love was ruin and I was strong enough to walk away from it.
Quiet suffocated the space. The beautiful day turned into an ugly one and in the middle of it all was a moronic woman, who thought loving someone would be enough to make her happy.
“If I’d known it would’ve taken a five-minute argument for someone, I thought I loved to make me feel like utter shit, I never would’ve come.”
A confession it might be, but it wasn’t a confession from me.
To move on, I had to let it out.
We were husband and wife in name only.
The quicker I figured out what Harry and the board members did, the faster I could divorce Christian.
Screw waiting a full year, I couldn’t bear looking at him for another second.
“Adelaide, wait .”
Emotion seeped into his tone a little too late.
I grabbed one of the bags, despite my lower abdomen clenching with the pain of disappointment and hurt.
Christian spun me around to face him.
Gone was the mechanical man from the five-minute conversation.
In front of me was worry and sadness.
“Don’t… Just…” I pulled my wrist out of his hand. “Let me walk away from you.” With a cold, dead stare. I ended with, “You’ve never been good at holding on.”