53. Adelaide
FIFTY-THREE
ADELAIDE
“You have another one today, ma’am.” A week after I moved out of Christian’s apartment, I started receiving packages. Three months passed since the day in the woods. I hadn’t gone to see Eda, nor did I want to. It was weird, deleting her messages, her contact from my phone, and trying to move on like she didn’t uphold the guardian figure. Erasing her succeeded to be as difficult as forgetting a parent—near impossible. Progress was slow, but eventually her presence would dim.
Bad people and memories were like flickering streetlights in the back of my mind. From inside your room, you covered it with your blinds—but you always knew it was there. Sometimes it wouldn’t work at all, and you’d sleep peacefully without thinking about it. Other times, you weren’t lucky.
One day, it would run out of light and that would be the same day I didn’t check twice behind my blind.
The new place I lived in was one floor below Christian’s. I’d rented out the place below his, to save face until our divorce was finalized. So far, he hadn’t sent papers and… neither did I. But I’d get to it soon.
As much as I wish he hadn’t, he found out where I lived. For the past month, he sent me books, flowers, and wonky jewellery. Today was November first—the first snowfall of the year—and Christian’s new dress.
On the second month of our separation, he sent me the first hand-painted dress. A strapless corseted white top flowing out to my knees. Watercolour designs glamorized it. Without a doubt, it was the most beautiful dress I’d ever seen. Umaima told me Christian spent days away from work to make the dresses he sent me. Which, without a doubt, was swoon worthy.
While I hate to admit it, I was excited for this next dress. The softest sheer satin caressed my palm when I lifted it out of its tissue packaging. Black with delicate gold embroidery in the pattern of tiny… stars .
At the hem of the dress, along the lines of the stitching were the words:
Even the stars wish upon each other for us to reunite.
Oh, Christian.
The beat in my heart skipped and danced and sashayed around in happiness.
I wouldn’t let myself fall despite how easily he pushed me.
When I stuffed the dress back into the box, I decided today was the day. The first snowfall of the year was the day to say goodbye to this love. If I didn’t, there would be nothing of me left and this would continue.
Grabbing my coat, the necklace, and my courage—I walked out with a purpose.
Brooklyn Bridge was empty.
A rarity for today’s occasion.
Albeit the cold surpassed any reason to come out here and watch the snow fall under a dark sky.
The East River flowed with its usual sporadic currents, the snow disappearing into the watery cracks. I held the necklace tight in my hand, extending it and then bringing it back to my chest.
If I did this— really did this —that was it.
No more Christian.
I wanted to puke.
Here I thought it would be easy to throw away the last connecting piece.
“It helps if you let go.”
I didn’t need to turn around.
He could be continents away and I’d feel his presence like he was right behind me.
Leaning forward on the railing, I tilted my head to the side. Christian stood a few feet away from me. His body leaning sideways against the railing—looking at me. His hair a mess, fluttering over his forehead, flirting with his eyes. The black turtleneck peeked out from below his long black coat. Bags sat impatiently under his eyes, empty yet full of need. As if he stayed up at night waiting for me to return, to fill up the space with our love.
My muscles tightened in the hurt I’d caused him.
A sudden gust of wind took control of my hair, flying it in all directions. “What are you doing here, Christian?”
“I came for a walk.”
“Thirty minutes away from your place?”
“I knew you’d be here.”
“Did you follow me?” I blinked rapidly.
“Not sure if I’d call it following if I was going in the same direction, you were.”
Despite the amusement lingering in his voice—I knew he was acting. Anguish cracked through his facade.
“What do you want from me?” He watched as I held myself tight.
“I came to get my ring back.”
“It’s not your ring.”
I bit the inside of my cheek. “It’s not your ring.”
“You threw it out and I found it, remember?” He deliberately raised his brows. “It’s mine now.”
“Why does it matter to you?”
His face hardened. “Because I love you and in your hand is how I can remain close to you.”
“You have my birthmark tattooed on your body.”
Christian’s body pressed against my arm. I gasped, forcing to put distance between us but he held on by my waist. “It’s not enough. I need every bit of you I can get.”
Limped in his arms, I looked up through blurry eyes. Couldn’t he see what this was doing to me? I didn’t want it to be like this. He deserved to be happy with someone who didn’t remind him of his pain. “Let go of me, Christian.”
The broken whisper chained itself around him and he dropped his arms. “Why haven’t you sent the divorce papers?”
My heart broke.
Choosing not to reply, I dangled the necklace over the railing again. Watching it move in a circle.
“Let me tell you why,” he broke. “It’s because you don’t want to let go of me either. You want me too—you still love me.”
“Love has nothing to do with this,” I hissed. “Love doesn’t solve problems. It doesn’t fix broken hearts?—”
“It solves us !” He snapped. “You want to be with me, why are you pushing us away?”
“I can see it,” my voice cracked through the wind. “When you look at me, I can see you looking at Eda—what she did to your mom, to my parents, to everyone.”
He shook his head in denial. “That’s what you see?”
I nodded.
“You’re wrong,” he ran a hand through his hair—pulling at the ends. “When I look at you, I see you. No one else. I see the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, I see the woman who loves people without a doubt, I see the woman who holds onto herself despite feeling weak. When I look at you, I see my wife and her beautiful blue eyes. I see the way your smile cracks when it’s not real and try my best to make it real. I see the future galloping into the sunset—one where we’re together, alone, and happy. I see us when I look at you. You’re the portal to my future and if you close yourself from me, I’ll never survive. I’ll be stuck in a time loop of pure fucking sadness and eventually walk into death.”
Christian was all up in my face, brushing strands away from my hair as he continued. “Without you, I am a vast ocean—finding my return to shore, but never reaching it because it’s you, Adelaide. You are my shore, my land, my ground, but without you I am floating into the abyss of nowhere.”
A tear rolled down my cheek. “We’re not meant to be together.”
“You don’t get to decide that!” He reeled back with a roar. “I am trying everything to prove to you that I love you and I’m fucking sorry for lying to you for this long.”
Tracking towards him, I halted with a hand on the railing. His lies protected me. Initially, I was mad. But I understood why he did what he did—why he kept the truth from me. If I was in his place, if it was me getting revenge for my parents’ death—I wouldn’t be able to tell him. Not because it would ruin the plan, but because he’d bear the burden of knowing.
“I don’t blame you for lying to me, Christian.”
He squeezed eyes shut, pulling in the pain and control and sanity. “I want you, Adelaide. I want you not just because you’re still wearing my ring. I want you not because I want to use you and not because you connect me to the past. I want you because the best parts of me are with you and when those disappear, you make the worst parts feel like the best.”
“Stop saying things like that,” I pleaded with a down casted expression. “It makes me want to give in to you and I can’t.”
“Why?”
“Because when I love you, I’m afraid something else will come up and I’ll hurt you.”
“You are not defined by the people in your life, Sunshine.” He moved closer, his ear caressing over my cheek. “Let me redefine who you are to me.”
I was so close to giving in. To grabbing his hand and walking away.
But I couldn’t do that to him.
Or myself.
I’d never once made decisions in my life, but I could make this one.
For both of us.
With lost strength, I replied. “I can’t , Christian.”
“Okay.” Just when I thought he’d walk away—he pressed a velvetlike kiss to my cheek.
My hands fluttered open, and with an abrupt gasp, the necklace fell .
In the deep, mystic waters of the East River.
“ No! ”
One hasty, broken glance in my direction and Christian ran down the bridge without looking back.
In shock and complete disbelief, I stared down at where it disappeared in the water— gone . Just like that.
Tears gathered in my eyes, I didn’t…
That’s when the thought hit me.
I wasn’t ready to let go.
My feet took me before I let them, running after him even though I couldn’t see him. His barely-there snowy footsteps led me to the East River Greenway.
My heart stumbled in my chest.
His Jacket discarded on the ground.
No.
I looked ahead at the water, at where he could’ve gone.
“Christian!” I screamed—full on sobbing my words out. The currents rapidly moved in insane rhythms leaving me no room to breathe. He wouldn’t survive.
Piece by piece, I started taking my own clothes off.
If he went down, then we’d go down together.
I had to tell him there was no living if it wasn’t with him.
There was no point to this life if I couldn’t love him.
Not him. Please .
Stumbling onto the ledge, my jacket and sweater fell to the ground with his. With shivering fingers, I began unbuttoning my jeans when a
“ Adelaide !” His voice boomed through the air. I turned around, he marched over to me—tears streaming down past his reddened nose. Pure anguish painted over his face and with choked emotion he pulled me down into him.
He was here.
He was alive.
My arms tightened around him as I buried my face into his neck, both of us crying into each other. “I thought… I thought,” I hiccupped.
“ I’m okay, baby .” He held me tighter. With each pull, each grab, each comforting kiss to my neck, he told me he was here, that he loved me. “What were you thinking ?” His voice dipped in fractured longing.
Pulling back, I cupped his cheeks while my legs wrapped around his waist. “I was thinking that where you are is where I belong.” My voice broke with each confession. “I was thinking that I couldn’t bear the sight of losing you when you’ve stolen my heart from its space to fill in your chest.”
“You were going to jump in the water for me?”
“No,” I said. “I was going to jump in with you.”
He stared at me with those soft eyes of his. Looking at me like his senses existed to master the art of learning me .
I brushed a thumb over his fallen tear. “I’m sorry for giving up when you never did. The truth is, I was scared. I thought I was doing the right thing by putting distance between us. You’ve spent a long time with this , you never got the chance to grow, to be alone—I wanted you to have that for yourself. But then, when I saw the ring disappear into the water, I realized I couldn’t. I need you. Call me selfish, but I want you.”
“ Baby ,” he begged with a curved palm to my cheek. “Let me learn the way you’ve grown, and I promise I’ll catch up to where you are.”
Another broken sob as I pressed a haste kiss to his cheek. “ I love you and I’ll only love you for the rest of my life.”
He responded with an earth-shattering kiss.
Christian's hands were on the side of my face, drawing my mouth into his as we enjoyed a scorching but slow kiss that began with playful anticipation and progressed to white-hot ferocity. Our lips and tongues danced with furious hunger. He then nibbled and lightly sucked on my bottom lip, chuckling lopsidedly. Christian slid his left hand to the back of my head, while mine stayed on his face.
The hum of rotor blades whirring in the next sky pulled us apart.
We broke apart exactly when a helicopter lowered itself near the water, its lights flashing down while a group of people dived with full gear.
“What are they…”
Christian kissed my temple.
His sheepish look told me everything.
He did this.
He called these people to find the ring— our ring .
It was possible, to love someone you loved more as the days moved forward.
For a while I thought I was the kind of book no one wanted to pick up and fall in love with, but then Christian came along.
As far as endings go, we were nothing without each other.