19
Bevin
My eyes went wide when I realized what he thought. “Not severing bonds. I meant making familiars attack someone. That’s my default.”
“Shit, sorry,” he sighed, sounding upset. “It’s just what we’re watching and I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out how to ask what you’re feeling.”
I gave a half shrug. “Annoyed that it’s apparently going to be something everyone brings up always again like when that crap happened with me in the bikini. I know I cry all the time and break down—I’m disappointed in myself about that too—but I’m not as weak as everyone thinks.”
“Bev, you’re not weak at all. This is huge, massive shit.
I’d be in—I am a wreck because of losing the gift I was given.
Nothing is as easy as others think it is for us.
People are fucking dismissive of the pain of others because they see it from a distance.
They see it how they would handle that one situation, not the culmination of everything you’ve already experienced. ”
I nodded, having heard that from Emma already. “I’m fine.”
“Can we talk about it?”
“Yeah. Not sure why, but I guess this is about more than what I just said,” I grumbled, pulling my feet up and hugging my knees as I stared at the TV.
“It is, and knowing Winter, he already talked to you about some of this, but I have questions he might not as your priest.” He waited until I nodded. “Can you tell me exactly what happened since I wasn’t there? What you felt magically?”
That was fair, so I did, guessing it was probably a bit of him wanting a distraction too.
“So it wasn’t about Link so much as the situation?” he hedged after several minutes of mulling it all over.
I thought about that, not thinking he was being jealous. I looked over at him and searched his eyes. “This was about Link, but not the way you’re thinking.” I tried to think of how to put it into words.
Something filled Wyatt’s eyes. “He’s always pointing North.”
“Yes,” I whispered, blinking at him. “He’s even.
He wasn’t raised like us and his compass is even and—this wasn’t just about it being his best friend.
It was the line crossed. Even the thing with Kevin was a hit, and then those dirty cops were dead because they were dirty and a problem. They did it to themselves.
“This was Jason threatening the family of someone good. Breaking the line in the sand and just… He was willing to give his life to take Jason off the board. Yeah, he would have put Conrad in the ground to save me—he and Taylor both made that clear. You did too. But that was—you all would have to pay for that. There’s no price to pay for what I did. ”
“You don’t know that,” he worried. “You could be punished for it.”
“I don’t believe that,” I told him honestly. “It was as easy as breathing and I felt like…”
“What?” he pushed when I was quiet a bit longer.
“‘About time,’” I muttered. “It felt like the magic around us—nature around us was relieved. I don’t know how to really put it into words. It was more like something was corrected instead of something wrong done.”
He didn’t seem like he believed me and I realized I didn’t know if I believed myself in a way?
I sighed and scrubbed my hands over my face. “At first I was freaking. I always freak. My default setting is freaking. I remember thinking… Inside I was a mess and I would sort it out later. I knew it was crazy, but then it just wasn’t.”
“What changed?” he asked when I couldn’t seem to figure out what to say next.
I blinked at him, and that was what I needed to know the answer. “When I told Jason his familiar was fine, just no longer his. It was when I felt it was about time to use my magic this way. To…”
“What?” he pushed.
I scrubbed my face yet again and sighed for probably the millionth time of the night.
“The analogy is bad, especially after what Quinn told me about your dad taking a car away from you, but that’s what it felt like.
I felt like I was there to take a present away before someone did more damage with it.
“Like my job—I’m the one who comes to repo the gift if they’re doing damage with it? I felt so settled in it when I knew I set the familiar free and did what I should? I just didn’t freak. I mean, I knew the ripples of it all but… It felt like…”
“That’s a lot to digest.” He nodded when I snorted.
We watched in silence, but he kept glancing at me and I thought it was because he was worried that he should leave. I didn’t care about that. If he didn’t want to be alone, I was fine with him being there.
“What’s going through your head, Bev?” he asked gently.
Oh, he was worried about me?
“I don’t know,” I mumbled.
“Yes, you do.”
“I think I’m being selfish.” I tried to make my tone like I wanted it dropped, but he didn’t.
“Has no one called to check in?” he hedged.
“Everyone’s busy and got their own stuff,” I whispered, glancing at my phone, but then I frowned. “I am selfish. I never really check on anyone. It’s always my shit.” My lower lip quivered. “I’m a shitty friend. How did I never realize that?”
He was sitting next to me in a flash and hugged me to him. “Hey, that’s not fair. You’re always grateful. Some people aren’t good at reaching out. You make everyone feel appreciated. Always. That’s for people who don’t reach out unless they want something. Or just go along with plans.”
“I only reach out to you when I need something,” I countered.
He seemed to realize he’d just stepped in his own point and kissed my hair.
“Yeah, but you bring me gorgeous flowers and are always there when I need you. That’s not the same.
Trust me. That’s not the same. I’m here asking for what I shouldn’t.
Your friends have asked for jobs and—you’re a good friend, Bev. ”
“How do I fix this and be a better friend?”
“Don’t. Don’t do that to yourself,” he begged.
“You’re trying to fit some mold of what you think a friend should be, and that’s—there should be different types of friends.
People are getting back to school and they’ll check in tomorrow or probably think you might want space. It’s not easy on their end.”
“True.” I accepted that. I had no idea how I would act if it was Gloria. Like what was the right thing to say?
Especially since they probably all knew the story was bullshit. Wyatt said the same thing and that settled me.
“Maybe I am all over more than I realized,” I whispered. “I don’t regret what I did. It’s just overwhelming.” Then I frowned. “I honestly feel more guilty for what you’re going through and being the one who gave you the apple.”
“I wish I could convince you that I’m so fucking grateful for what I got to experience with Quinn, but that wouldn’t sound real when I’ve just been crying to you,” he muttered.
“Is there something we can do to take your mind off of it?” He cleared his throat when I flinched.
“Do you want to do some training or Independent Study work?”
“Oh! Yes, could you help me find some books?” I asked excitedly. “Clare sent videos from the Shaw library and I haven’t gone through them. Or maybe help me figure out what some are and maybe one of Winter’s friends can—can I send them on an errand?”
“Yeah, I think they can do that when you’ll give them the money,” he drawled. “The fact you let them harvest magic here is fucking priceless. They’re always asking what they can do to help. I know they’ve got lists and ideas for when you have time.”
“That’s actually really nice.” I sighed. “I also need to check inventories and get Kate caught up on how to be my personal assistant.”
“I think that is something one of them should maybe learn too since you’re also planning on branching out.
” He turned towards me and held up a finger.
“Hear me out.” He waited until I nodded.
“Your magic is evolving. You should be experimenting, especially with your power. Not to sell, but once every couple of weeks I want you to play with something.”
“Like for the spa in the future?”
“Yes, but what you want. Not just the business. I know you’re focused on the income, but your friends laid into us about you needing to have some fun.
That we’re always on you on how to de-stress, but then don’t give you the opportunity.
And they’re right, but we build it in. Maybe every other Sunday afternoon you skip sessions and just explore your magic. ”
“I’d love that,” I breathed, beyond excited. “Could we really? That would be better than the aquarium.”
He knew about some of that, but then I excitedly told him the rest and how the sharks were and all I’d learned. I felt bad for rambling until I realized he was giving me looks that were fairly intimate while tucking my hair behind my ear.
I cleared my throat and we got to work. Clare’s video was great and Bernice was actually helpful, finally realizing it was time to get on the team or she’d be banished like Moth—Rebecca. Like all of us agreed, so get with the program.
Nothing shocked me more than Bryan actually helping.
He said he was going through some of Charles’s stuff to help Jean and found records of my tutoring.
He said he’d scan it personally and give me digital copies because he didn’t trust the staff to do it, but thought Jean didn’t want to hand it all over.
Granted, he didn’t say it to me, but it was on the video.
It was reasonable, so I wouldn’t object, and it did seem like Charles to have it all accounted for.
That man would want the records of what he’d put in his “investments,” and that was what he saw his daughters as. And useful, so that was nice.
Clare had gotten video of a few key pages that had syllabi of what the one tutor had made me learn from in one year.
“This cannot be right,” Bernice said as she looked it over. “These books are—”
“Grandmother, you promised,” Clare warned, her voice tight.