Thirty-Nine | Dom
Thirty-Nine
Dom
I laid beside Jo, lightly trailing my fingers up and down her arm as she nestled against my chest. We had spent a while soaking in the tub after getting our fill of each other, though, if I were being honest, I would never have my fill of her.
There would never come a time when I would have enough of the woman I loved.
I knew that sex had been a distraction for both of us because neither of us was ready to talk about the fucking shit that had been thrown at us over the past few days.
Between Jo getting shot and then almost dying, and Tray having my sister’s dead body delivered to the clinic where Jo worked, it felt like too much for anyone to handle.
“I can feel the thoughts running through your head,” Jo said softly, her eyes closed as she relaxed against me. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I cleared my throat, preparing myself for the lie I was about to tell her.
“Well, given that I was thinking about how good your pussy felt wrapped around my cock, sure, we can talk about it.”
Jo sat up beside me, adjusting the pillow before leaning against the headboard. Her eyes were soft as she looked at me, calling me on my bullshit. But she didn’t say anything. She just sat there, watching me as she waited for me to talk.
I tipped my head back and ran my hand over the scruff that dotted my jawline from not shaving in a few days.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
Jo shrugged but offered a soft smile.
“I want you to say whatever you want to say,” she answered quietly. “Just because we had sex and fooled around this afternoon doesn’t mean that real shit didn’t happen. You lost your sister, Dom. It’s okay to talk about it.”
“And say what?” I snapped, hating that my anger sounded directed at her when it wasn’t.
“That I failed to save her from the same man who wants to kill you? That the one person I trusted for so long turned out to be the worst fucking person ever to exist? Or maybe we should talk about how many times I looked the other way when shit would go down, and Tray had his guys take care of things. I’m just as fucking guilty as he is, Jo.
I’m not a good person, so maybe I deserve to have shitty things happen to me. ”
Her demeanor didn’t change as she continued watching me, allowing me to speak without trying to control the conversation.
“I fucking killed people, Jo. Because I believed whatever bullshit story he told me. I was so fucking delusional that I didn’t think twice about what I was doing because I trusted him. He was my best friend! And now look where that got me!”
I slammed my fist down on the bed between us as hot tears stung my eyes. Jo didn’t so much as flinch.
“I spent so many years of my life resenting Lauren,” I continued, knowing that I needed to say what had been weighing on me for so long.
“I hated her when she was born. I couldn’t understand how my dad could be so happy about having another child when he didn’t love the one he already had.
Why wasn’t I good enough for him? Why did having another child with his mistress fill some void that my mother and I could never touch? ”
My voice rose higher as the emotions rushed over me, years of repressed feelings surfacing quicker than I could stop them.
“I wanted my dad to want me, and he didn’t.
He didn’t give a fuck about my mom or me.
When she died, he didn’t bother going to her funeral.
I had to take several side jobs just to get enough money to bury her and buy her a bouquet for her grave.
That asshole stayed home with his new wife and daughter, not bothered at all that my entire world had just crumbled.
I buried my mom by myself and promised her that I would never become like my father.
That I would always make her proud, and look at me now.
” I hung my head and shook it as the anger welled inside me.
Jo reached over and gently squeezed my hand. When I looked up at her, I noticed the tears in her eyes, but they weren’t pity. They were genuine, as if she could feel the pain I had endured my entire life.
“When I first met Tray, he was the kind of man I wanted to be like. He was fun, confident, and smart as fuck. But he was also nice to me and made me feel like I had a family again. He showed up for me when no one else did. He stood up for me and made sure I knew how valuable I was to him.”
The pain I felt when I thought about our friendship felt like a dagger through my heart, because for me, it had always been real, even if Tray was just stringing me along.
“I never wanted to be this person, Jo,” I whispered.
“I didn’t want to be someone who lived a life of crime and violence.
At first, I trusted Tray and the things he did.
For a while, I was so oblivious to what was happening because he had me so busy tracking people down online.
I was stupid for not seeing what was happening in front of me before it was too late. ”
“Tray is really good at that,” Jo said softly. “Trust me, I know.”
“I hate him for what he did to you.” I sucked in a deep breath and blew it out forcefully before continuing.
“And I fucking hate him for what he did to Lauren. I might not have had a good relationship with her growing up, but the only thing she ever wanted was to get to know me. I always tried to keep her at least an arm's length away—more so for her own protection. But it just wasn’t enough.”
“I know that you resent her for tearing your family apart, but I think your dad would have done what he did either way. If it weren’t Lauren and her mom, it would have been with someone else.”
“It didn’t end with Lauren and her mom,” I said bitterly.
“Nothing was ever good enough for him. I found out shortly after I left that he had been cheating on Lauren’s mom and gotten another woman pregnant.
Lauren and I didn’t keep in touch often, but she always made the effort to try.
I feel like such a dick for constantly pushing her away. ”
“It’s hard to allow someone to love you when you don’t know what that’s supposed to feel like.”
My head whipped up as I stared at Jo, her words knocking the breath out of me because she was absolutely right. I had no idea what it felt like to be loved by someone because, aside from my mom, no one else ever bothered. Or so I thought.