Chapter 27
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
T he bed dips and wakes me up. Riley is sitting on the edge of the bed with his back to me, hands on his knees. His hair is a sleepy mess, sticking out at funny angles like mine does.
Birds are beginning their morning song, though it’s still dark as the sun has not yet peeked over the horizon. Riley doesn’t move from his position on the edge of the bed.
Being alone with him like this, in such close proximity, rouses my rage from its slumber. Back at the inn outside of Forsto, I was recovering, and it was different to be alone with him. This silence and warmth…It’s too much like the windcaves. I’m embarrassed by how much I want to reach out for him. I could. I would be able to reach. Slide my hands along his warm skin.
I remember how soft his lips were on mine. How he still smelled and tasted delicious even though we had been stuck in a cave for days. His rough and hot hands on my skin. My eyes close as I remember the weight of him on top of me, his hard body against me…
“Firecat? ”
My eyes shoot back open. Did I make a sound?
“You alright?” he whispers, turning back to look at me.
I clear my throat. “I’m fine. Why are you awake so early?”
“Just keen to get going. Feels like the longer we take, the more danger everyone is in, and the less likely we will find my sister,” he says, standing up and rubbing his face. The urge to reach out for him is almost too much. Almost.
Apparently, he isn’t the only one, Bitty knocks on the door after hearing us awake to ask if we’re good for an early start on the day. The tavern hasn’t opened for breakfast, so we eat hard cheese and dried fruit as we tack up our horses.
We’re able to travel marginally faster now I’m not in so much pain, though Snooze still refuses to do anything beyond a slow canter. But I can grit through an uncomfortable faster pace for the sake of being able to travel further each day.
Beans thinks we’re making good progress and that, at this pace, we should be at the edge of Erdu Castle City within ten days. This only serves to further my resolve to ride harder through the pain. We continue to discuss our plans for Erdu Castle City as we travel, though by now, I could almost recite them verbatim.
After a few days, I’m finally allowed to be on watch. Though I would prefer not to take a hit to the ribs, they’re recovered enough that I can move freely. My leg has a nasty scar healing with patches of scab, but it no longer impinges on my movements.
After my usual loop and spiral perimeter checks, I find a perfect vantage point at the top of a dead tree that is at the lip of a gorge higher than our camp. Relieved to finally be alone, I relish the time I’m on watch.
The moon is almost at the point in the sky where I need to wake Riley, so I do one more loop. Everyone is still asleep as I tiptoe to Riley’s bedroll. Usually, he wakes up easily. Not this time. I gently grab his shoulder with a small jiggle, but he grabs my wrist and yanks it across his body as he rolls flat onto his back. A knife at my throat before I even have a chance to say his name.
“Riley!” I hiss. “What the fuck?”
Riley drops the knife and my wrist immediately. He gulps air a few times before sitting up. I’m sitting on my knees, rubbing at my wrist, looking at him in bewilderment.
“Sorry,” he breathes, shaking his head.
He looks down at my wrist, which I’ve cradled absentmindedly. He takes it gently in both hands, massaging it with his thumbs.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” Riley whispers.
I know he means my wrist, but something in my throat imagines him apologizing for other things. I take my wrist back with a snatch.
We don’t say anything further as I crawl into my bedroll. I hear Riley’s footsteps recede as he leaves the camp. It takes me a little while to fall asleep, but eventually, I slip into darkness. Unfortunately, I don’t get a reprieve from nightmares.
It’s not real. None of this is real, I repeat to myself, trying to wake.
I wade through the blood, warmth seeping into my pants, the copper tang in my nose and on my tongue.
There wasn’t this much blood, I try to remember. There wasn’t this much.
Blood rains down the walls; laughter echoing.
Streaming from his eyes, his tears the color of his ruby blood as he pleads for his life.
The laughter is in my throat.
I lose count of how many times I stab him.
Over and over. Over and over and over.
This, I wish, was an embellishment. Only a part of my nightmare .
Over and over.
But my memory of this is as vivid as the nightmare that plagues me.
Over.
And over.
My blood mingles with his as I cut my fingers on the blade, so slippery from his blood.
I don’t stop until the blade is bent and useless.
Then, when I can no longer stab, I rip. I rip and claw and scrape at his face, screaming until my throat is as raw as the open wound where my soul used to be.
I cannot remember if this part is the monster I am or only my nightmare. Do I dream about doing this because I did it, or because I wish I had?
The sound of my heaving breath and the gushing walls of blood are my only companions now. I sit, waiting, pleading for the blood to fill the room.
For the release of my own death as I drown in Pasha’s blood.
A few days later, Beans and Riley are bathing in a nearby creek while Bitty and I hang back at camp drinking tea. It’s a pleasant day. The sky is cloud-free, and we have enough random trees for shade, even if the wind is a bit hot.
“Does Riley usually…startle? When you wake him for watch?” I question Bitty tentatively.
“Since you were taken? Absolutely.” Bitty laughs without humor. “I’ve learned to wake him by kicking his boots to keep far away from the knife he sleeps with.”
Frowning, I don’t reply. I’m not sure why I asked or what the answer means to me. I know I should be talking to Riley, but it’s awkward with Beans and Bitty around, especially with Bitty and their Gifted hearing .
Beans and Riley’s laughter can be heard long before we see them coming back from the creek. They’re both barefoot and shirtless, only wearing their pants with axes swinging on their hips as they carry the rest of their clothes and boots. They make a gorgeous pair of Nemorisborn men. Riley’s hair is wet and so is Beans’ beard. Chests and shoulders glistening with water. Beans’ skin—so pale it’s almost translucent—is covered in dark freckles, and just like his beard hides the freckles on his face, so does his chest hair. Riley’s freckled shoulders can barely be seen from this distance, as pale and sporadic as they are.
Bitty clears their throat, and I reluctantly tear my eyes away from the red-haired giants and look back. They raise an eyebrow with a smirk, one dimple appearing as if to mock me.
“I don’t know what that look is, Bitty, but you can stop right there,” I say, with fake reproach.
Bitty laughs loudly while gathering their things for our turn to bathe. We find a good spot and bathe with our backs to one another for privacy. Once we finish getting ourselves clean, we stay soaking together in silence.
Bitty snorts. “Your horse has broken free and managed to nibble on Beans’ weapons harness. He’s sternly telling the creature off, but I get the feeling…”
“…Snooze gives no fucks?” I finish, and we both laugh.
After a long soak, we begrudgingly leave the water. To my disappointment, both men are fully clothed when we return to camp. Actually, my disappointment lies solely at the feet of Riley being fully clothed. That slap of realization makes my cheeks flame.
The terrain continues to change the further north we travel. There are fewer trees, deeper cracks in the earth, and flatter plains. Long stretches with no trees, only brush bushes dotted all over and the sides of the giant canyons and gorges for shade. Some of the gorges are so large and deep, with beautiful rivers through them. The immense amount of water passing through is slightly terrifying.
“Erdu Castle City is made up of four enormous gorges with dwellings built into the walls. Have you been there before?” Beans asks me one afternoon.
“I haven’t. I've had a couple of…jobs in Erdu, but none in Erdu Castle City. I’ve also never been very far west in Erdu—the most I’ve seen are the mud hut villages or the settlements at the foot of the gorges in the east.”
“Beans took me to West Erdu once and it is spectacular! The canyons face out onto the beaches, so getting to stay at inns that have been cut into the side is incredible,” Bitty tells me dreamily.
“Ah,” I say. “This will be why Erdu has a standing agreement to have the first bid on any earth and rock Gifted Patrons.”
“That is quite likely, little one,”Beans agrees.
“Erdu castle itself is built into the side of an enormous canyon near the border of Sadori. Behind the castle is unlivable terrain that just ends in death drops. Then the beaches of Sadori begin,” Riley adds.
Without trees, we only have shade at certain times of the day from the walls of whatever gorge we’re in. The sun wants to fry us to a crisp. Except for maybe Bitty. Their Laguzborn skin has tanned an even deeper bronze. Beans and Riley have developed a few more freckles, and I am uncomfortably pink.
I’m finally fit and healthy enough to spar again, though everyone is still being gentle for fear of hurting me. It won’t last long because I keep handing them their asses, and every single one of them is getting annoyed. Without weapons, my chances of winning are usually just over half with Riley and Beans due to their sheer size and strength .
One good thing about the long canyons is it’s much easier on watch. There is no need to set a watch until the sun has well and truly set.
That evening, near sunset, Bitty and Beans are sparring, and he finally gives in to Bitty’s demands to be treated fairly. Riley and I are reclining on the ground next to each other, listening to the distant sound of weapons clanging. I’m not sure who is avoiding who lately, but we have barely spoken a word to each other.
So, of course, the first thing that comes out of my mouth when we’re semi-alone is: “How was I captured when you were on watch?”
I've wanted to ask him for weeks but haven’t known how to bring it up. I’m so angry at him, but I am also always on the edge of crying because I miss him. How can I miss someone who was never mine? Pathetic.
He doesn’t answer for the longest time, and I start to wonder whether I imagined saying it, or perhaps he’s ignoring me.
“I don’t know.” Riley sighs and then grimaces at his own response.
I nod, looking away from him, willing away the sting of tears. I have to bite my cheek, beginning to panic that the tears are going to overwhelm my lids anyway. This whole crying thing better be temporary.
“It’s not like I didn’t do a perimeter check. I did multiple. Not a sound or movement out there. We couldn’t figure it out,” Riley says quietly, squinting at the setting sun. “I did get distracted, though. You were making sounds and I thought maybe it was a nightmare, so I came back to check on you. Then when you left to relieve yourself…after my bad joke…I went in the opposite direction to give you space.” Riley is analyzing a bunch of small pebbles in his hands, the sounds of Beans and Bitty training filling the silence as I wait for him to continue. “One of my biggest regrets is not going with you that night. I’m truly sorry. For everything,” Riley says with a noticeable quaver.
Grateful he isn’t looking at me, I discreetly wipe my falling tear. “Maybe they were already there,” is all I can say back, unable to look at him either.
“What do you mean? You think they were waiting for you?”
“It’s possible. Could be why you never heard them, if they were already in position before you went on watch.”
“Did they say something to make you think that?” Riley asks, clearing the emotion from his throat.
“Sort of. But also, when I was bathing that day, I remember hearing a twig snap. I thought Tovi?—”
“That was me,” Riley blurts, cutting me off. “I didn’t mean…I wasn’t spying on you. Beans sent me on watch, and I wanted to check on you, and I didn’t expect you to be…” Riley gestures vaguely, and I assume he means naked.
“You could’ve said something.”
“Fuck no, I couldn’t have! I already loathed the idea of you thinking I’m a creep as it was. Announcing my presence after diving into a bush because I didn’t realize you’d be naked, sounded like the worst idea.” Riley’s horrified face as he says this is enough to make me laugh. I’m holding it in, but the heat is rising in my face, the harder I try.
“I had to lie there, knowing you were naked in the creek, unable to resume my perimeter check, just so you didn’t think I was a pervert!”
I burst, unable to contain my laughter anymore. “Why are you telling me now?”
“Because I don’t want you to think those assholes were watching you!” Riley shouts, his face bright red, but a smile emerges when he sees me laughing.
“Maybe they were! Maybe you were all just hiding in the bushes watching me bathe together!” I cry, holding my ribs because the laughter is too much.
Stifling his own laugh, Riley protests. “This isn’t funny, Mika!”
“Oh, but it is. I’m imagining you diving into a bush to hide from me, right next to my kidnappers!” Tears are streaming down my face from laughing. I have to lie down to relieve the pressure in my ribs. “So, you just sat there and watched me bathe?”
“Yes—No!” Riley’s flustered response only fuels my hysteria.
Beans and Bitty come over to see what the two of us are yelling about, so I tell them an exaggerated version, much to Riley’s continued embarrassment.
“I hate all of you,” Riley announces with no malice. He stalks off smiling and shaking his head, as the three of us continue to howl with laughter.