31. Helen
I’m the first one to wake up in the morning. Thad is still flat on his stomach, eyes closed, breathing slow and steady. His face looks soft and open in sleep, and I spend longer than I want to admit just studying his features.
Then, I do what any thirty-one-year-old virgin would do the first time she’s been brought to orgasm by her longtime crush and wakes up still in bed with him.
I sneak into the bathroom so I can text my friends.
It’s still early, but I know Matilda will be awake since she has to be at her job first thing, and I think Nina wakes up around now to make her family breakfast.
Knowing my audience, I decide to get straight to the point: We hooked up. ??
I chew on my thumb as I wait for a response, half listening for any sign of Thad. My phone buzzes a few seconds later.
Matilda: Penetration?
I boggle at the screen. Wow. I thought I was being blunt. Blushing, I clarify: No. Boobies were touched though, and some contact in the bathing-suit areas. I realize that even for me, a former nun, this might sound a little prudish, but Nina is in the group chat and I don’t want her to spontaneously combust because I’ve been too graphic.
Matilda: Oral?
Jeez Louise, Matilda. I quickly type back: No.
Matilda: Then you didn’t hook up. You fooled around.
I roll my eyes. This is such a Matilda move. Here I thought I was going to have my Sex in the City moment, celebrating a new sexual milestone with my friends, and instead I’m getting a lesson on hookup terminology.
Before I can retort back something snarky, a GIF comes through from Nina. Nina is, unexpectedly, a big GIF-fer. I’m not sure she entirely understands the concept, since her GIFs often don’t seem to have anything to do with what’s going on in the conversation. Case in point, in this conversation about whether I’ve hooked up or fooled around, Nina sends through a GIF of a sleepy cat falling off a couch… At least she’s participating, which means her phone wasn’t confiscated by her uncle again.
I sigh, typing. Okay, I *fooled around.* With the Red Unicorn. Orgasms were had. I’m only ? a virgin now. Woohoo!
Nina sends the GIF from The Office where Michael excitedly sprays Erin with a bottle of champagne in celebration. This GIF at least makes sense, though I doubt Nina realizes her inadvertent double entendre. Or maybe she does…? Hard to say with that one.
Matilda: So are you together now?
The question shouldn’t have been unexpected, but it still knocks the air out of me a bit. Last night, I’d resolved myself to it being an ambiguous, one-off experience that didn’t need to have any particular meaning. This morning, I’m not so sure. I don’t know how to act when he wakes up. I’ve been so focused on overcoming the hurdle of being a virgin to these physical experiences that I hadn’t really thought through what it means to be a virgin to these emotional experiences. Matilda has told me about hookup culture and I’ve read online articles about dating, but it doesn’t prepare you for the reality of knowing that last night someone was looking into your eyes as you climaxed and this morning you might be almost strangers again.
Do I just ask him about it, up front? That seems like the mature thing to do, and probably what Dr. Sandra would recommend if she were here. But I’m so afraid to show my lack of experience. What if it was obvious last night that this was a one-time thing, to anyone who has an understanding of these dynamics? Thad might have thought he’d made himself perfectly clear, but I’m too naive to get it, and I’ll be putting us both in a hopelessly uncomfortable position by bringing it up this morning.
I don’t think so, I type back. I think it was just a moment.
Matilda, unexpectedly, is the one to send through a GIF this time—of a woman rolling her eyes and shaking her head.
My heart sinks in my chest. It was obvious, wasn’t it? There was some kind of code I was supposed to understand about what happened between Thad and me last night, but I didn’t because I’m a loser who doesn’t know anything about sex or relationships. Every time I take two steps forward, I take one step back.
Matilda: I knew this would happen. Just don’t be surprised if things get weird. DON’T get clingy.
Nina, also uncharacteristically, replies with words this time: I don’t think he would have done something if it didn’t mean anything.
Matilda: He’s a man. Of course he would.
Antonina: Men have feelings too.
Another GIF from Matilda, this time of a woman hysterically laughing.
Antonina: Just talk to him. Tell him what you want and ask him what he wants.
Matilda: Let HIM do the talking. Do not show any weakness. They can smell it like blood in the water.
I turn off my phone. Holy cannoli. I think I’ve made a huge mistake.