17. Cash
Cash
I was an idiot. The biggest dumbass to ever walk the face of this cursed fucking rock.
I should have known. As soon as Viktor said it, everything clicked into place—why I’d never seen Aleks walking around our settlement arm in arm with anybody else, witch or otherwise.
It wasn’t that he liked to play the field. He just didn’t have any choice.
I didn’t know why I thought it’d be any different, why I’d assumed it was just the girls and not .
. . not everyone. Anyone that Grant could use to consolidate his own power, he would.
He wasn’t the strongest wolf out there, wasn’t even the strongest wolf in the pack, but he’d placated enough of them with favors that turned my stomach.
And I’d—
I knew I hadn’t forced Aleks’s hand, but when had he ever had the choices he deserved? Maybe he hadn’t realized he could say no. Now that I realized being Grant’s “heir” simply meant being a tool he kept near at hand, I worried that I’d done the wrong thing, the one time we were together.
Obsessively, I looked back on that night, afraid I’d pressed him or needed too much or—
I wasn’t even sure, but I didn’t think I could live with myself if I’d added to his hurt.
My only solace was when I leaned against him or touched his hand, his scent went calm. His heartbeat steadied.
It took months of fixating on his every response for me to really believe that I might help him at all, but once I was sure, it became a fixation.
When he’d come by the build site, I’d let my hand brush across his and he’d smile, and my heart skipped thinking that I’d done something right.
It didn’t matter how small a thing it was, if I could just make his day a little better.
I didn’t want to push him, not ever, but maybe it was good, to be closer to him in a way that was . . . not a horrifying violation of his autonomy.
Months passed, and he didn’t talk about it specifically.
Viktor made no further comment, and I kept my mouth shut and worked.
Evie hung out with us at the build site a lot, but sometimes she disappeared, and she’d come home late at night, smelling a little dank and damp, like she’d found some nearby cave.
Maybe a few of them. I hoped a few.
But she knew it was smart to spread out her scent. I’d taught her everything I could about escape.
Then one night, when Aleks had come in from the river and I was still working on the house late after sending Viktor and Leo home, we were sitting there, his arm around my shoulders and my body turned into his, and he’d kissed me.
I hadn’t done it, hadn’t pushed, but when his lips were on mine every thought in my head blew away. His lips felt so nice, while a warm tingle rushed through my chest. His hands ran under my shirt, he nudged beneath the corner of my jaw to kiss my neck, and I asked if it was okay.
The sound he made still rumbled through me when I thought about it, all need when he lowered me down to the bare floorboards, opened my jeans, and took us both in his enormous hand.
I still didn’t know how he got his hands so soft, but they were magnificent.
After that, we fell into a pattern. If we should have talked before that first time, we definitely should have spoken afterward, but I didn’t know what to say.
Aleks was one of the strongest werewolves I knew, and Viktor—I didn’t know much about his past, but sometimes, he gave me the sense that he’d been the sort of man in the movies that would go on a mission and topple a violent regime single handedly in an hour and forty-five flat.
If they couldn’t change things, what the fuck could I do?
So I didn’t ask questions, and we didn’t talk, but I liked having him close and thinking that he wanted me. I hoped he wanted me.
I thought he did, but my heart was as twisted up as the rest of me, and we didn’t talk about that either.
That summer, we finished the second house, and Grant wanted to give it to Uncle Tommy. It had two small bedrooms, and when I built it, I’d been thinking of the cabin Pa and I lived in. I didn’t care where I lived all that much, but I wanted his place to be nice.
Uncle Tommy only needed two rooms. One, really, because the new house was a way for Grant to placate him “when Evie moved in with Giselle.”
I found out when I came home from marking out land to build a new “big house” for Grant, who was sick of other people getting new things when he didn’t have them, to find Uncle Tommy sitting at Pa’s table, looking paler than I’d ever seen him.
When I asked what was wrong, Uncle Tommy didn’t answer. He stared at the table, looking like he was going to throw up.
It was Pa who met my eye and answered, “Grant said it’s time for Evie to move in with Giselle.”
“I thought I’d find her here,” Tommy croaked.
“What the fuck?” I demanded. “You’re not going along with this.”
No response.
“You can’t let this happen. Fuck, Tommy, she’s your daughter. She’s fourteen. You cannot possibly—”
“Cash.” Pa’s voice was sharper than I’d heard it in years. “I’ve got this. You need to let me handle it.”
I scoffed. “And what’ll it cost you this time, your head?”
It was a shitty thing to say, and I knew it. Guilt rushed through me as I stormed out of the house, away from the center of pack lands toward the house I’d built for Katya and her sons.
I wanted Aleks, but to find him, I’d have to risk going to the big house, and if I saw Grant, I was liable to throw myself at him and get myself killed in the process. Marcus was just looking for an excuse.
I banged on the door, and Katya answered, a small, serene smile on her face. It wasn’t until she saw me that her shoulders relaxed, though, and her expression turned normal. Admittedly, I wasn’t the most likely to go banging on anyone’s door like that.
“Do you need something, Cash?” she asked gently. “Dinner’s almost finished if you want to stay.”
I shook my head. I could barely talk when I opened my mouth. “Viktor?”
She looked over her shoulder.
Leo was blinking owlishly at me from inside the kitchen, but he nodded. “I’ll go get him.”
He came outside a few moments later, and I stepped off the porch. I—
What I was going to ask him wasn’t fair, and I didn’t want his brother or mother listening in while I stole his future from him. But I couldn’t do it, and there wasn’t anybody in the pack I trusted more than Viktor.
Maybe it was because he’d trusted me first, or . . . I didn’t know. He’d just always been honest and steady and generous, and I knew I could count on him if I could count on anybody.
“You’re afraid. What’s wrong?” he asked after following me toward the trees.
“Grant. He—he wants Evie, and I—”
Viktor’s low growl vibrated in the air, and I shook my head. I wasn’t asking him to put his life on the line, to go to war for me.
I was just asking him to give up on a potential future he’d never speculated on to me. So maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe he wouldn’t mind just . . . keeping her safe.
“If it comes down to it . . . I need you to do something for me.”
Viktor’s growl quieted and he tipped his head. Subtly, he raised an eyebrow.
“Will you take Evie as your mate?” I asked. “Not like . . . well, you know what not like. Just, she’d be safe, with you. You could protect her, and no one else would dare—”
When I took a shaky breath, Viktor stepped closer. He set his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “Yes, Cash. I would never hurt her, and if there is anything that I can do to protect your family, I will. I swear it.”
His promise should have strengthened me, but it didn’t. Agony and relief stole the air from my lungs, and I sank onto my knees, my hands folded in front of my face. I breathed into my palms, but it was no good.
My chest spasmed. I was dying.
I was definitely dying, and that wouldn’t have been so bad, except that everyone I loved was in trouble and if I died kneeling there on the ground, I couldn’t do a damn thing for any one of them.
“Cash?” Viktor’s voice was closer now. He crouched in front of me, both his hands on my shoulders now. I got the sense he was the only thing keeping me upright, but who cared? “What is it?”
I couldn’t get a single breath of air. I shook my head, my eyes squeezed shut tight because they were stinging and a horrible wave of emotion had bubbled up my throat and fuck.
“I can’t,” I hissed into my hands.
“You can’t what?”
“I can’t live like this anymore. Everything is so fucked, and I can’t change it. I can’t do it.” Anything. Take another breath. Face another day like this.
“Yes, you can,” Viktor said. He pulled my hands down, and I sucked an inhale through my nose.
His eyes said he’d confronted the same feelings before, and while I didn’t doubt it, I had no idea how he’d gotten to the other side. It was impossible.
“When there is no one left for you to fight for, that is when you can give up. Not before.” He squeezed my wrists hard. “You have people. Evie and your father. Aleks, Leo, and me. You have you, and you are worth fighting for. You are a long way from having the freedom to give up.”
I didn’t know if that was a comfort, exactly, but I needed to hear it anyway. Tears streamed down my face unchecked, and I nodded.
My next breath was deeper. It went all the way to my stomach.
“Good,” Viktor said, “so we will keep our people safe and move forward.”
I swallowed hard. “Whatever it takes.”
I was just scared it’d take more than I had in me.