Chapter 15
My tongue is dry as wood chips, and my head is still floating when I open one eye. The ceiling of Cassian’s car stares back at me and for a moment I’m not sure where I am and why. The memories start out as a trickle, but quickly become a tidal wave I can’t stop.
What the fuck did we do?
What will it mean?
I don’t wanna be Cassian’s side piece. This wasn’t how I planned things with Cass at all. Not to mention… Does he actually like like me, or was last night some drunk fumble he doesn’t care about?
My brain’s already overheating, and when the door next to me opens, I sit up and the tip of my head collides with the roof. Falling back on my ass, I cool my aching scalp with my hand, but then warm fingers touch my nape, and I am frozen, looking into the greenest eyes I’ve ever seen.
Cassian stands in the open door. Dark water stains mark the front of his T-shirt, and he offers me a smile while I stare at the trees reflected in his gaze.
“Ouch. Sorry I startled you, Mattie.”
“Don’t worry about it!” I say and this time, sit up at a slow pace. I take the opportunity to glance down at my pants, but they’re zipped up. Which one of us made that happen will remain a mystery.
It seems like I got everything I wanted last night, but now I don’t know where to go from here or how to talk to him, when he seems like the coolest, chillest dude in the history of dudeness.
I take a deep breath. We start talking at the same time, but then he lets me speak first. “So, we drank a lot last night.” I laugh, cringing at myself.
His lips crook into a smile, and he rubs his cheek, creating the sexiest noise when stubble scratches his palm. “Yeah,” he says and leans closer until I can smell the faint aroma of rosemary that still clings to his flesh after so many hours.
Is he embarrassed? He doesn’t seem embarrassed.
I think.
Why is this so hard when I hang out with him every day without a hint of stress?
Last night changed everything and I’m not sure if I’m ready to face this new reality.
“Which alcohol won? I barely remember.” I can’t look into his gorgeous eyes anymore.
“I can think of a winner…” Cassian’s pretty, dark rose lips whisper as he moves closer to me. Is that his breath I feel on my shoulder? The cold turns it into vapor, as if it were a dragon next to me, not my best friend.
“Oh? Snacks? Did we have snacks? Cause I’m hungry.” My toes curl and all I can think of is that I probably have hickeys. I’m a nervous wreck when I should be ecstatic.
Cassian’s hand lingers on my shoulder before dropping off as he pulls away. By the time he speaks, he’s out of the car, and I can no longer see his face. “I’m sure you have something at home,” he says after a moment’s pause.
I want to grab him, pull him back in, but instead I just sit there, frozen and brainless. I don’t know how to act around my best friend anymore, don’t know how to address what we did, how to discuss the feelings I don’t know how to name, and it sucks. Sucks so bad I’m on the verge of tears.
Why did I have to be so horny yesterday? I should have waited and done things right.
“Do you have water?” I ask in a lame attempt at conversation. As if anything between us can be normal again.
Cass replies with a question of his own, tapping his fingers on the roof. His Adam’s apple bobs, moving under stubble-dusted skin. “Are you saying you got blackout drunk yesterday?”
I clear my throat but my mouth is just as dry as before. “Um… Didn’t you? It was a lot of alcohol mixing…” I know it’s cowardly of me to do this but I’m terrified of confronting our situation and desperate to sweep it under the rug.
Maybe that way we could have a fresh start in a bit? I could make sure Logan’s out of the picture, invite Cass to a nice restaurant, dress better, wash my teeth…
Or I’m delusional.
Has the reality of being gay hit too close to home? I’m ashamed that could be the case.
He stays very still, and for a moment his chest is motionless, as if he’s stopped breathing. I’m about to say something when he shuts the back door and opens the one by the driver’s seat.
“No, it wasn’t that much booze,” Cass says in a toneless voice as he drops into the seat.
I know it’s bad when he starts the car, because he usually cares too much for my safety to let me ride without a seatbelt. Let alone lying down.
“I’m sorry, my head hurts,” I mumble even though there’s only a tingle of pain under my skull. I try to catch his gaze in the rearview mirror, but he’s frowning and looking everywhere but at my reflection.
“Maybe try to get some sleep then?”
The temperature in the car keeps dropping.
I need to fix this.
I need to fix this!
I pull a jacket over my head, searching my mind for ways to talk about what happened. He’s my Cass, my best friend. I don’t know how to treat him as a lover. And it’s not like he’s my boyfriend either, because he’s Logan’s.
I hate Logan more than herb liquor.
What would I even say?
‘By the way, I loved you sucking my dick’? ‘Be mine forever and let’s spit in Logan’s porridge’?
I’m left voiceless, and when the car rolls forward, I lie back down, wrapping the sleeping bag tight around me. At least this way, I can pretend this is only a bad dream.
A part of me worries that he knows I’m acting, that maybe he’s offended I haven’t said anything about his blowjob skills, but as life-changing as the sex was, I can’t stand knowing that he still belongs with someone else.
I don’t even know if he wants-wants me.
I can’t be just a hook-up.
Not with my Cassian.
Soon enough, the trees are gone, and I’m almost relieved when I see a semi-truck in the window above as Cass accelerates. Soon enough, we’ll arrive home, and I’ll be able to regroup without this painful awkwardness poisoning every passing minute.
The music, which has been playing since the car started, suddenly comes to a halt, replaced by a ringtone.
Cass bangs the back of his head against the headrest, but before I find my voice to tell him he can ignore the call, the speaker creaks, and the voice I hate with a passion resonates in the cab.
“Hi! How are things?” Logan asks, almost hesitantly, as if that wasn’t what he actually wanted to say.
Cass is curt in his response. “All fine. You?”
“I’m just… packing. For the trip back tomorrow. I missed you,” Logan adds, making my skin crawl.
Cass takes a deep breath. “Yeah, we’ve both been busy before you went away. Do you know if you’ll be back late or at a normal hour? Maybe we could have dinner together?”
“In the afternoon. I’d really like that actually. I had some time on my hands for thinking, and you didn’t text much. I’m not blaming you! Just… I’d love to reconnect. I feel like we maybe drifted apart a bit. Sorry, I should have left that for tomorrow, but it’s been on my mind.”
No, no, no nonono!
There will be no reconnecting on my watch.
But I say nothing, horrified when Cass takes another strangled breath. “That’s okay. I’ve been thinking the same.”
My heart splinters into bits. Did the night with me only make him miss Logan more? Was I a substitute? My hand slides to where I think I have a hickey, but then the car hits a bump and I groan when my head rattles.
“Were you? But it will be best to talk in person tomorrow. You wanna go grab a bite at Rossini’s?”
How can they be discussing dinner plans when I’m in such distress? What is Cass thinking? Is this meant to hurt me? Or does he simply not think about me at all?
His voice does sound a bit softer when he agrees to Logan’s proposition. “I’ll book a table for eight. Sounds okay?”
They continue to discuss which pizza topping is best and, of course, Logan likes pineapple, like the monster he is.
By the time they finish, the pulsing in my head has become stronger, and after a while, I sit up in an attempt to alleviate the pain. I spot the sign announcing we’re driving into Springton.
“Hey, Cass…”
He spares me a glance in the rearview mirror, but only grunts.
“Could you drop me off at the college campus?”
His hands tighten on the steering wheel. “Sure. Where?”
“By the dorms.”
“Are you visiting Aaron?”
I swallow. Does he think it’s weird my new friend is gay too? I need to keep it casual. “Yeah, he was gonna give me this one book.”
Not suspicious at all when Cass knows I’m hardly the bookish kind. So I stay one step ahead of him. “You know, for school.”
“No need to explain yourself,” Cass says in the tight, curt tone that sounds nothing like his usual relaxed speech. It feels like there isn’t enough air in the car.
We sit in the awkward silence all the way until he parks in front of the dorms. Even the weather sucks, and when I exit the car, it’s drizzling.
Cass mutters a half-assed, “see you later,” and leaves me there. I stumble on my way out, watching him instead of minding where my feet go.
I hate my own inability to get things right, but I’m already jogging to the building with desperate need in my guts. This whole mess is temporary and I will untangle it if it kills me.
By this point, I’ve been at Aaron’s many times, so I run up the stairs and go straight to his room, demanding entry with a hard knock.
I’m breathless, and as seconds tick away, I become lightheaded, but the door eventually opens, and pale eyes look at me from behind it.
“Um... hey?” Aaron mutters. He’s dressed in tight black joggers, and a T-shirt in the same color, which is not his usual outfit. Maybe it’s a stay-in kind of day for him?
All the better.
I burst into his room without asking because this is an emergency.
“Today is the day, Aaron. We need dirt on Logan by tomorrow.”
“I— what? What are you talking about? I thought you were out with Cassian,” Aaron says, closing the door behind us.
I toe off my shoes and crawl onto his bed. I sit on the plush cover with my back resting against the cold wall, but as he walks closer, my gaze strays to the book on the nightstand.
Nipples stare at me from the tattooed chest taking up most of the cover, but Aaron takes the book out of my hand before I have a chance to read the title.
“Now I know why you love reading so much,” I tease. “I hope I’m not interrupting.”
His cheeks go aflame, but his eyes turn into slits. “Did I hear correctly that you came here for my help?” He stuffs the book into a drawer. Touchy subject then.
I clear my throat. “Sorry. Yeah.”
Aaron grabs his desk chair and drags it to stand in front of the bed before sitting in it as if he’s giving me an audience. He stretches, exhales, and meets my gaze. “Okay?”
“I… I did stuff with Cass, and I need Logan gone.”
He’s more awake in an instant and his eyebrows rise. “What ‘stuff’?”
I’m about to tell him when it hits me just how intimate and private it is. I lick my lips at the memory of last night, but Aaron points to my neck as I’m trying to gather my thoughts.
“Is that a hickey?” He lets out a little whistle.
I pull up my sweatshirt, but there’s no mirror for me to look into. “Maybe.”
Aaron’s face brightens in a foxy smile. “Did he give you that hickey?”
I groan. “Who else? Levi? Of course it was Cass! But… it’s complicated.
We got drunk, and I don’t know where we stand.
I can’t be his friend with benefits or whatever you wanna call it.
But I need Logan out of the picture to have that conversation with him.
Right now, my life is a disaster, and I will owe you forever if you help me out. ”
The initial joy evaporates from Aaron’s expression, and he leans forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. “What? Why are you here? You should talk to Cassian before Logan comes back.”
I rub my forehead in frustration. Why does he not understand how hard this is for me? “I can’t be the bad guy. Cass needs to see how awful Logan is and then I will come clean.”
Aaron spreads his arms. “He’s not awful! What are you talking about? He’s not my favorite guy under the sun either but what is the point of showing Cass the worst possible side of his boyfriend instead of just letting him know that you’re interested in him? Have you two even talked about this?”
I pull on my thumb. “I don’t want to make things weird.”
Aaron cocks his head and gestures at me.
“This is weird. You trying to make up some shit on Logan so you can swoop in and save the day when Cass literally did... something with you,” he says with a frown.
“What makes you even think there’s any dirt to dig out in the first place?
Cassian clearly likes him, so either make your move or leave it be. ”
“There is dirt. I’m sure of it. Just do this one thing for me, okay?”
“But don’t say I didn’t warn you that it’s a bad idea.” Aaron sighs and I notice he looks quite pretty with his curls messy as he presses his palm into his cheek. Does noticing things like that mean I’m getting gayer?
“No! We just need to talk to his actual friends, or get into his apartment or... something,” I say as the exact moment Cass pulled away from me this morning flashes through my mind, causing an ache deep in my chest.
I should have waited.
I should have never let Cass touch me before Logan was gone from his life.
The sound of Aaron clearing his throat brings me back to reality, and I’m relieved to see focus in his eyes.
“Fine. If that’s what you insist on doing, I know what to do,” he says with a confidence that loosens at least some of the painful knots all over my body.