8 - Andy Jacobs
8
Andy Jacobs
As soon as I got outside, I got a cigarette out from a packet I had literally just bought off some random guy at the bar and lit it up.
The front of the bar was blessedly currently empty, the buzz from the crowd fading once the door closed behind me, which did nothing to help with the increasing volume of my chaotic thoughts, which were fighting for dominance as I fought to push them as deep down into the dark depths of my psyche as physically, or, metaphorically in this case, possible.
After a second of the cigarette burning, I dropped it to the ground, used my shoe to put it out, leaned against the wall, told myself that I wasn't a smoker, then got out another one, this time lighting it up, taking a long, disgusting drag, before breathing out and staring sightlessly at the night sky.
I’d just sucked the life out of Dan James’s dick.
After years of telling myself to let it go, to let this attraction die and reside in the mental dumpster where it should, I’d acted on it.
And it had been better than my dirty fucking imagination could have ever conjured.
Just the memory of his moans, his dark eyes, his overcome expression as inch by inch he started giving into me, submitting , in a way I could have never expected or even thought to want, was enough to get me hard again.
There was a slightly submissive Dan hiding beneath the grumpy, tense walls, and I’d gotten to see a glimpse of it. A glimpse that had made me ravenous for more, and fuck if I wouldn’t be imagining all the things that I could do to him with this knowledge.
How I could bend him to my will.
How I could make him come apart, turn to putty in my hands.
This was a nightmare. A literal fucking nightmare.
Because even if I’d gotten to discover this, to experience this first hand, even if I now knew that not only he wasn’t exactly vanilla, he was also attracted to me…
I could never act on it again.
And I would never, ever , get to experience what it was like to fuck him into submission.
My stomach tightened and my inner caveman threatened to rise to the surface, outraged and possessive, wanting to go back in there, to continue what we’d been doing, to let Dan know that he couldn’t show this side of him to anyone else because he was mine , but with all the willpower that I’d been ignoring while I was with Dan, I shoved the caveman down into a deep corner of my psyche and set myself to take a good hard look at reality.
I’d broken one of my most essential rules: I didn’t mix sex with my life.
Worse, I didn’t mix sex with work , but that was a whole can of worms I didn’t want to get into.
I sure as hell wasn’t going to break my other rules.
You know. The ones about not doing repeats, especially not with people I was going to keep in my life. The rules that kept the careful balance in my day-to-day life, that made sure I was fulfilled, kept sane, and focused on my goals.
Sucking Dan off hadn’t been part of the plan.
Even if I wanted to do it again.
Even if there was nothing I wanted more right now than to take him apart again.
Even if I wanted to see if he’d soften even more with time, what sides he’d show me.
It was out of the question.
Now more than ever, after his little comment about ‘being cursed to go from relationship to relationship’, I was led to think that something had definitely happened between him and his ex, that this was just a crisis he was having, and I did not want to be someone he’d write off as some…slip in his sanity. A wild fling. A bad decision.
Even if I was.
I ignored the pang that sent through me.
I hated it.
Whatever the case, this wasn’t happening again.
And thankfully, Dan knew it.
I’d seen it in his eyes. He was going to beat himself up for letting his nemesis get so close to him, give himself a pep talk, and go back to hating me and acting all irritated with me as per usual tomorrow.
As it should be.
It was fine. It had always been fine. It had always been this way between us. I’d never had any problems with it.
I’d never want anything else.
Right?
I dropped the cigarette again, stepping on it with my shoe not a second before I was already reaching for my third one, when the door from the bar finally opened again, letting out a slightly disheveled, well-kissed, just-fucked Dan James.
We stared at each other for a long moment, and fuck if I didn’t want to reach out to him again.
He just looked so edible. Still a bit flushed. Eyes a little uncertain.
I wanted the walls that were building back up to never be there for me anymore.
Let it go .
“Ready to go home?” I asked. I needed to be the responsible one here.
Dan stared at me for a long second. “We’re not going to talk about this?”
My gut tightened. “What would we talk about?”
There was no need to make this harder than it had to be. He had to know this.
Only Dan’s jaw twitched in irritation, his eyes darkening in my direction. “I guess we’re pretending like my dick wasn’t just in your mouth. My mistake.”
My nostrils flared. Don’t fall for it. “You forgot about when you came down my throat.”
Dan’s cheeks flushed slightly under the yellow-orange glow spilling out the window from inside the bar even as his eyes flashed.“So you do want to talk about it?”
I bit the inside of my cheek.
He was such a little shit, wasn’t he?
God , I wanted to kiss him stupid again.
“No.”
Something flashed through Dan’s expression before he looked away from me and said, “I’m just going to pretend it was someone else with me in the stall, then.”
Fuck no , was my first internal reaction.
No one else could have made him come like that.
Not Nina and not any other person.
Shut up and let it go .
I knew I had to, needed to, as I glared in Dan’s direction with gritted teeth.
When I didn’t say anything, he huffed and took a few steps towards our apartment.
“Are you coming or what?”
We stared at each other again.
Tension thrummed.
We were just going to pretend none of this had happened. I could try and forget about this. I had to get over this.
It’s for the best.