Chapter 11 #2
There was no way she was getting away from them, so what was the point in even trying?
What was the point of anything?
Inside her mind, that door to her special place that had seemed to grow smaller these last few days was now growing bigger again. So big it was starting to dominate her thoughts. She’d learned to live inside that place once before, it would be easy enough to go back there.
In there, no one could hurt her. Nothing could even touch her.
Back then, she’d learned to keep just enough awareness to follow orders and avoid pain, but these people weren’t going to physically abuse her.
That meant she could let go completely and not have to worry about keeping a tether to the real world.
“Maya, can we come in?” Rose called from outside her bedroom.
It was weird to have people using her name again.
Her name had been one of the first things stripped away from her when she was abducted.
In fact, she vividly remembered in those first few days when she hadn't fully grasped what her situation was, and she’d been assigned a number instead of a name, crying and insisting that she was Maya, not one-one-five.
They’d pulled out a hose and doused her with freezing water every time she begged to be called by her name.
Eventually, she’d learned the lesson.
Stopped asking to be called Maya.
Accepted her fate.
“Maya, we’re coming in because we’re worried,” Rose called out again, then the door was opened, and all four of the women walked in.
Anger sparked inside her. Thunder said this was her room for as long as she was there, but that apparently didn't mean she was entitled to any privacy while in it. If she wanted to lock herself away, then that should be respected. She should be left alone.
Worried?
Not for a single second did she believe that they were worried about her.
Worried that she hadn't told them anything yet, maybe. Since they hadn't let her escape, she’d been childish. When she got back to her room, she found the list of information about Dr. Gardner that she’d left for them still sitting on the bed.
No one had seen it yet, and she’d ripped it up in anger and flushed the pieces down the toilet.
Definitely childish, but there wasn't anything helpful on there anyway, she was sure of it. Master had her so he could use her body. She wasn't an employee, wasn't a guest, and wasn't a friend. He didn't sit around and talk to her. Anything she’d seen or heard was all accidental.
“We brought you something to eat,” Cassandra said, setting a tray of food down on the bed beside her. “You haven’t had anything since breakfast yesterday.”
Turning her head to look at it, Maya found she had absolutely zero appetite.
They didn't understand that in the life she’d been living for the last thirteen years, food was something she’d quickly had to learn to live without.
She was fed when someone deemed she deserved something.
Hunger pains were such a common occurrence that she could now quite easily block them out.
A week of eating normally couldn’t undo that.
“Maya, I know you're angry and hurt, but you have to take care of yourself,” Indigo said, her voice gently insistent.
Did she?
Why?
From where she was standing, she absolutely did not have to take care of herself.
“The guys didn't mean to hurt your feelings,” Whitney added. “Thunder feels so bad about going behind your back to find out your name.”
That wasn't really what she was upset about.
Maya could acknowledge that she should have expected they weren't just going to sit back and wait until she was ready to talk to find out who she was.
The reality was, she might never be ready to talk.
It was a small betrayal, but it wasn't what had her ready to give up and drift away for good this time.
What made her want to give up was knowing that even good people weren't really any less selfish than bad people. Thunder had convinced her that this was a safe place. Not just physically safe, but emotionally safe as well.
And she’d believed him.
Stupid really. She should have known better. Hadn't life taught her anything?
People were always selfish. Always. They never put anyone before themselves.
She’d been too young to realize that before she was abducted, but she got it now.
Thunder and the others were kind to her only because they wanted something in return.
Something she didn't have to give. She didn't know where Master had gone when he left the island.
When they realized that, they would throw her away.
Although it made zero sense to her at the time, she’d been hysterical when her first owner had returned her. By then, years after she’d been sold, she’d become so conditioned to her new life that it had honestly felt like the worst rejection she’d ever experienced.
At least it had been the worst rejection she’d ever suffered.
Until now.
This would be worse because she’d allowed herself to trust Thunder. She’d sought comfort from him, allowed him to kiss her, and shared her love of art with him.
She didn't want to be thrown away again when she stopped being useful.
But she didn't want to stay either.
Maya was so confused, she was getting a headache.
She needed an outlet for her emotions, but she didn't have one. The art studio was ruined, it was a bribe, and she didn't want to be manipulated anymore. So as badly as she wanted to go up there and paint out the mess of emotions weighing her down, she felt like she couldn’t.
“I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but us knowing more about you will help. No one will pressure you to talk to your family if that’s what you're worried about,” Rose said.
While she was worried about that, worried that once Thunder and the others realized she had nothing of value to offer she’d be sent to her family before she was ready, it wasn't what hurt the most.
It was just knowing that not even supposedly good people could be trusted. How was she supposed to navigate the world, which was already a terrifying place to her, when there wasn't a single person she could depend on?
“Everyone here wants to give you space, but we’re also worried about you. You're one of us now, Maya, and?—”
A growl cut off Cassandra’s words.
It took her a moment to realize the sound had come from her. It was the third sound she’d made now, after humming, and then laughing the other day with Thunder, and it had caught her by surprise. She hadn't done it on purpose, she just wanted them to stop saying her name.
Her name belonged to her, and she hadn't given anyone permission to use it.
Rage danced inside her. It felt like a physical being, prowling about, looking for an outlet, only it couldn’t find one.
She wanted them to stop calling her Maya and pretending that they cared about what happened to her.
They didn't. They only cared about getting information from her that didn't even exist.
Without thinking, she flung herself off the bed, and then she was running out of the room. Running down the halls. Running up the stairs instead of down them.
The art studio had been tainted by Thunder’s betrayal, but she had to get her emotions out before they consumed her, and painting was the only way she knew how to do it.