Chapter 4
FOUR
soraya
Missing what you had always hurts more than what you never had.
A month of Sundays had passed since the one I woke up to an empty bed.
A month since the hurt in his eyes almost broke my resolve.
A month since I felt the spring of hope in his arms despite my best intentions.
I hated that I missed him. He’d been right that a shift would happen.
I didn’t “accidentally” run into him anymore.
Not in the hallway, elevator, garage, or the mailbox.
He’d even given a proxy vote for the lifeguard at our monthly meeting, in which I managed to get parents to attend.
The victory felt hollow in his absence. Maybe it was for the best that we only had one night together.
If I missed him now, I would’ve been heartbroken had we really had the opportunity to date.
As I parked my car in my spot in the garage, my best friend, Andrea, called. I flopped back in my seat and kept the engine running so I could speak through my car. “Did I leave something?” She, I, and my other friend, Pedra, had brunch once a month.
“No. You seemed distracted at brunch. Checking on you.”
“I’m cool. Gearing up for tomorrow. Got meetings all day and then flying out to San Antonio for that conference on Tuesday morning.”
“Hey, you don’t have to front with me.”
“About what?” My nails tapped against my armrest.
“I didn’t want to say anything around Pedra, but I know you’re still thinking about Jashaun. You seem melancholy lately. Why don’t you reach out to him?”
“I don’t think he wants to hear from me if I did.
” I hit my head lightly against my seat.
“I shouldn’t have run out of his place like that.
He didn’t initiate sex with me until I practically climbed on top of him.
Yet I treated him as if he had lured me in with false promises.
He seemed hurt. Maybe that’s why I haven’t seen him when I used to see him almost every day. ”
“Tell him that you got scared.”
“What would be the point? He has a child and a baby mama now. And he’s not going out of his way to see me like he used to. So, either he’s spending time with his new family or purposely avoiding me.”
“You won’t know until you talk to him. Listen, I’m the last one to tell you to chase after any man.”
I scoffed, “Yet, you’re about to tell me to call him.”
“The couple of times I saw him around your complex, he seemed like a good dude, and the chemistry between you is electric. Even with the complaining, I could tell you were attracted. So, what if he says he doesn’t want marriage, if he’s willing to commit to you?
You’ve never been the woman who dreamed of a wedding and kids anyway. ”
“Says the married woman who never wanted a husband.” Four years ago, I was her maid of honor as she blissfully married her long-time love.
“I’m just saying that you could date a man who wants marriage like Sam, and you don’t vibe like you and Jashaun. Or you can date Jashaun and see what happens.”
“Or I can give Rico another chance,” I said added.
She groaned. “The date from hell?”
“It wasn’t that bad.” I giggled.
“The man ordered his food before he even asked if you’re ready as soon as you sat down. Like you were in some fast-food joint.”
I chuckled. “Even the young waiter looked at me like I could do better when he tried to help him out by asking me if I had any questions about the menu, and Rico told the man to put the order in and come back for mine.”
Andrea scoffed, “And you want to give him another chance?”
“I mean…he was just a lil country and easy to fix up.” I gripped the steering wheel. “Then there’s Sam.”
“The guy that works in your building that you didn’t feel anything for when you have a man in your complex who’s been after you for months that you’ve always liked?”
“I didn’t feel anything with Sam, but maybe I’m being picky. He asked me out again since we’re going to the same conference, and I haven’t answered him yet. He’s open to marriage and family and has a good job. He seems a little stuck up, but I could be wrong.”
“Wait, so you’re convinced Jashaun won’t change, but bruh man can?”
“You can’t make a man want marriage if he doesn’t.”
“Like you can’t change a man’s personality. At least with Jashaun, you would have a lot of fun. Do you honestly believe that Rico or Sam can sex like Jashaun?”
“Hell no,” I said emphatically, though I’d only hugged Rico and Sam at the end of our respective dates, and had to laugh at myself. “Ooh, I hate that I gave Jashaun some.”
“Do you really?”
I blissfully sighed, “No. I don’t. Not even a little bit.”
Ahead, the elevator opened, and Jashaun walked out, wearing long swim shorts, with an open short-sleeved shirt, his chest brown, smooth, and sinewy. He glanced in my direction, and I slunk lower in my seat. “Shit, Drea. I look like a fool. My car is still running.”
“What happened?”
“Jashaun is heading to his car, dressed like he’s going to the beach, and I ducked so he wouldn’t see me. Even if he didn’t, he knows I wouldn’t leave my engine running.”
“Sit back up and if he asks, tell him you dropped your cell or something.”
“Yeah…good answer.” I eased back up, almost scared to see if he checked for me.
Jashaun headed away from me to greet a little girl wearing a terry cloth cover-up, her French braids trailing behind her as she rushed to him.
He swung her up in his arms and placed her on his shoulders like it was the easiest thing to do.
A beautiful, petite woman wearing a matching terry-cloth robe, whose ponytail bounced as she walked, hugged him from the side.
He leaned briefly into her before catching my gaze.
Expecting him to look away in guilt or pretend not to know me, his eyes softened as he smiled at me before the three of them entered the elevator.
“You got quiet on me. What’s going on?”
“He’s with his family. He looks happy. The three of them look good together.”
“Oh…I’m sorry, Raya. Did he see you?”
“Yeah, he smiled at me like he was happy to see me.” I choked over my words. “Like he missed me.”
“Maybe he did. Talk to him.”
“Nope.” I shook my head firmly. “I was supposed to see him like I just did with his family. To remind myself, we had a moment, and that’s it.” I turned off my ignition. “I’ll be fine. Go on and get off this phone. Call you later.”
Resignedly, I inhaled and exhaled and picked up my cell.
Lunch or dinner in San Antonio when I touch down in the city?
Sam replied as if he were waiting for any communication from me,
Can’t wait.
I held the phone to my chest and stepped from the car. The elevator dinged again, and Jashaun walked out and headed straight to me. “Got a sec?”
“Not really,” I replied, though my heart soared that he’d come back to see me. “Need to go inside and get work done.”
He stepped in front of me. “I’m not trying to hurt you.”
“You’re not.” I tried to move around him, and he gripped my waist. The heat of his hands thrilled me to my naughty core. “Mr. Howard, your family is waiting for you.”
“Jashaun.” He corrected, his expression earnest. “My daughter is with her mother in the pool, having fun unconcerned about me. I saw the look on your face. I’m not with Mara. We’re trying to navigate co-parenting and figuring out a lot of stuff. Being together isn’t one of them.”
“It doesn’t matter.” I bit back my relieved smile, hoping he didn’t notice it.
His eyes narrowed. “Don’t play games, okay? Please. It does matter because you matter. I miss you.”
I shifted from one foot to the other. “And what am I supposed to do with that information? Do you want me to come to your place after they leave, or are you coming to mine? Like, what do you want me to do with that information?”
“I want to know I’m not alone in missing you.” He searched my face. “I was starting to think it was a mistake to be with you like that, too. To know how it feels to be inside you and know that you don’t want it to happen again is slowly killing me.”
“I don’t want it to happen? You’re the one who implied that all we would have is that moment.” I tapped my foot.
“I didn’t know what would happen with this new role.
Still don’t know. It’s been a tough yet amazing experience learning how to be a father.
I was being honest and transparent with you, and you took it the wrong way.
I can admit I’m a bit of a control freak, and maybe I shouldn’t always process my thoughts out loud before I think about what I’m saying.
I’d just had the best night I’d ever had with a woman, thought you felt the same until you left my place like you stole something.
Thought maybe you didn’t want to date a man with a child, so I didn’t try harder to get you to stay. ”
“That’s never been a deal breaker for me.” I touched my heart with my palm. “Is that why I don’t see you anymore?”
“I’ve been trying to give you space. Not be in your face like I did before.
Thought I was handling not being around you, until I saw you.
Knew you were hurt when you saw me with Mara and Jussica.
Knew that I mattered and that you missed me too.
” His hands loosened their grip and slid to my behind to press me into him.
“Come see me tonight, or I can come to you.”
“No.” I weakly said as he lowered his head to kiss me. I gave him my cheek when he would’ve touched my lips.
He only held me tighter and kissed my cheek and then my neck. “It’s all good. I know I’ll get some in San Antonio anyway.”
Ignoring the tingling that his lips left on my skin, I jerked my head from him. “What do you mean? How do you know I’m going to San Antonio?”
“We both work for the government, remember? Thought about not going because I figured you would be there. Now, I know you're still hot for me. I’ll see you there.” He took a step back with a cocky smile, pulling me toward the elevator. “You might as well get on with me and stop being stubborn.”
“I’m getting on, but I’m not going to your place later.” I stomped inside and folded my arms as the door closed. “And you’re not getting any in San Antonio. My friend is going with me.”
“You met someone already?” His easy smile slipped. “No fucking way.”
“I’m single, remember?” I looked at him, daring him to say anything else.
He promptly placed his hands on either side of me, the muscles in his bare chest and arms flexed, trapping me before he lifted my left hand. “Tell your friend that your finger is looking like it’s ready for my ring.”
“What?” I frowned despite the burst of butterflies in my stomach.
“Did I stutter?” Jashaun’s focus drifted to my lips.
“It’s been weeks since we spoke, and because there’s someone else, you suddenly want to be committed? The same man who told me he never wanted to be married or have a family?”
“No different than you finally deciding you wanted to have sex with me when you felt the door closing on the possibility of us.” The elevator opened on our floor, and Jashaun grabbed my ass possessively before planting a kiss on my lips as I exited the elevator.
“We’ll talk in San Antonio and figure us out.
Seems like you might need some time to decide whether you really want to be with me. I’m headed back to the pool.”
Wobbly legs carried me to my door, and I collapsed on my sofa and picked up my cell.
“Hey, everything okay?” Worry laced Andrea’s greeting.
“Um…I think Jashaun and I go together now.”
She exclaimed, “What? And are we fourteen again?”
“Mm…he makes me feel like this giddy girl waiting for her crush at his locker.” I grinned, and despite my best intentions, love floated down over me like a fuzzy blanket as I relayed what just transpired between Jashaun and me.