32. So, you like a little pain, do you? #2
“You didn’t listen to a goddess-damned word I said, did you?
” I shouldn’t have been surprised, given how every interaction with him had gone, but still.
“He’s trying to keep me pacified. All he cares about is me staying alive long enough to fulfill this ludicrous bargain, and he can get whatever is in it for him.
Look at the shit he pulled today! That man doesn’t have an ounce of fucking faith in me.
An alpine course? Really? Had to make sure he brought things way down to my level.
Goddess forbid I get treated like any of the other contestants. ”
Jasper’s head drew back, and he had the gall to look amused. “So you don’t know, then.”
There were growing odds one of us was going to leave the alley with a black eye or a bloody nose, and things were not looking to be in my old friend’s favor.
“Clearly, I don’t, Jasper,” I bit back. “So why don’t you enlighten me instead of continuing to waste both of our time?”
He sighed. “Everyone had an alpine course, Nor. Max wanted to make sure there was no room for anyone to doubt how worthy you are. Do you know how some of the Elixia struggled with it? Did you not hear how the crowd roared for you? You cleared it faster than half the group. Faster than fae soldiers who are hundreds of years old. This is not about him not having faith in you.”
Crack. Crack. Crack.
There went my hastily built barrier—the one I desperately needed to keep my mind from unraveling—splintering under words of reason I vehemently refused to take as truth.
Maksym didn’t have faith in me. Never had. Never would.
Why would a dark fae king, of a pure, ruthless bloodline, have any faith in a bastard-born Odessan whore without a lick of magic in her veins?
No one could fault him for doubting I would succeed in a test built for his most illustrious brethren.
His damning silence and clear regret after fucking with my head that night in the cove, though…
I could fault him for that. Extensively. I likely would for a long time to come.
“And I’m just supposed to believe you, as his advisor? His best friend? I know I used to trust you more than I trusted myself, but those days are long dead.”
My bait for a new argument sank.
“I really don’t care if you believe me or not; that’s on you.” Jasper shrugged and extended his hand. “But we’re going back to the Keep before you do something out of spite. You’ve only got tomorrow for rest anyway.”
“Oh, absolutely not.” I stepped back out of his reach and farther into the alleyway. “I was having an excellent time, and I’m intent on seeing where the rest of the night takes me.”
Jasper matched me step for step. “Nor.”
“What?”
“I won’t pretend I know anything about who you became after I left Odessa.” He stuffed his hands in his pockets and shook his head, sighing. “But whatever you’re looking for…it isn’t in there. They won’t treat you with an ounce of the respect you deserve.”
Jasper truly didn’t understand the first goddess-damned thing about me if he thought it was respect I would ever look for inside the walls of a tavern.
Inebriated escape was usually damned high on that list, followed closely by whatever—ideally degrading—bodily pleasures would chase away reality for a bit.
And seeing as I wasn’t partaking in one of those…
I wasn’t about to fall victim to Jasper’s attempt to reel me in, to tie my worth to my actions.
No, I doubled down.
“If you’re so disapproving of my prospects, and I certainly won’t be going back to my own bed tonight, why don’t you entertain me then?
Take me back to your quarters instead of seeing who else’s I end up in?
” I taunted. “Surely your beloved king would trust me to be…respected by his most revered advisor. He and I have that little agreement, after all.”
Jasper’s throat worked, and he rasped, “What?”
“I don’t think I can distill that down any further for you, mage.
” As I leaned into his space, I lowered my voice.
“I haven’t gotten laid in too damned long, and Maksym’s made it clear he has no interest in me.
So, if you aren’t keen either, I’m going to keep working on getting my needs met, alright?
The barmaid and her mouth look like they’d treat me with all the respect you seem to think I deserve. ”
A single, stunned moss-green eye tracked me as I eased back, and Jasper’s lips parted, as if there were a torrent of words trapped just behind his teeth.
“That’s what I thought.” I let out a huff as I turned to leave. “Goodnight, Jasper.”
Was that my finest proposition ever? Hardly. But it was tough to tell if it was just embarrassment carving away at the gaping void in my chest as one step turned into another, or if everything I’d been carefully tucking away was trying to fight its way through my fracturing resolve.
Regardless, some liquor was definitely in my very immediate future.
Or, it had been. Just three short steps separated me from the tavern door when a hand curled tightly around my wrist.
Jasper tugged me back and turned me with such abruptness, I crashed into him with a curse, splaying my hands across his chest to steady myself.
He cast me a single, pained look as he sank his fingers into my hair, drawing me in close enough that our noses brushed and the warmth of his breath ghosted over my lips.
“Jasper,” I warned—or maybe prayed—softly, as my eyes slipped shut.
He kissed me without hesitation.
Kissed me.
My knees wavered, and I sank against him fully as my mind tumbled back fifteen years. To a kiss in another lifetime that was never given the chance it deserved. To a summer night and a grassy lookout. To a terrible bottle of port. To a boundary I’d been desperate to leave behind.
This time, though, I wasn’t a young woman with no idea what she wanted, other than a sweeping and unknown everything.
I curled my fingers into his shirt, holding him flush to me, and sought the slide of his tongue.
His sharp exhale was utterly maddening. We staggered backward together until my thighs hit something hard.
His hands filled that space quickly, squeezing and hauling me up onto goddess knew what, slotting himself between my rucked-up skirt and parted thighs.
Whatever I had thought I’d needed, this was it.
Warmth I hadn’t chased in so damn long licked up and down my spine, pooling in my belly, as he cradled the back of my neck, curling his fingers into my hair with gentle tugs. I didn’t know which part of him I wanted to touch first—his broad chest, his lean shoulders, his ever-messy hair.
All I knew was that with every coax of his mouth against mine, I needed to feel his skin. Not the shrouding layers he cloaked himself in, nor the facade of his new self—I wanted to touch the parts of him that had been there since I thought I knew him better than myself.
My overeager, fumbling fingers fought against the urge to just rip his infuriating clothing apart.
I tugged endlessly at fastenings and pleats of fabric while our mouths waged a lazy battle, cursing against his lips when I brushed the soft fabric of an undershirt.
Another tug, and my fingers met the warmth of his taut stomach, and we both let out appreciative groans.
A shift, and both my hands splayed fully against his skin, soaking in shifts in his muscles and the feeling of him in his purest form.
I was keenly aware, though, of how close my touch lingered to the waist of his pants, how easy it would be to seek my next quarry.
Just the pull of a tie. A shift of fabric.
The curl of my fingers around him. Goddess, I’d gladly get on my knees in an alleyway for him.
Judging by the way his thumb had found the crease of my thigh and hip, massaging it in slow sweeps, I had a feeling he wouldn’t object.
But just like that night from another lifetime, someone interrupted us.
A door creaked a little too close by, and we stilled against each other a little too late. An utterly damning sight, I was sure, with Jasper’s hands in my hair and up my skirt, and my legs wrapped around his hips.
“Where did you two—” came Gallan’s unmistakable drawl. “Oh. Well, well. As you both were. Don’t mind me.”
A beat of tense silence passed after the door creaked shut.
Jasper eased away an inch and let out a shaky breath. “Is this what you wanted, Nor?”
It took a second to swallow down the lump that formed in my throat. What a loaded question with such a painfully simple answer.
I drew him right back and rested my forehead against his, settling my hands against his chest.
“You were all I’ve ever wanted, Kieran.” I had told myself his old name would never leave my lips again—that I’d honor his wishes even though he never seemed to honor mine—but nothing else felt right at that moment. “And you always knew that.”
He let out a bone-deep sigh that served only as confirmation and brushed his knuckles along the outside of my thigh. “What are we doing?”
“That depends,” I said. “I’ve made myself clear, but what do you want?”
A pained noise preceded the press of his lips against my temple. “You. Unequivocally. Always. Do you not understand how you’ve ravaged my mind? The way I dream of you?”
I leaned into him, slipping my arms up around his neck. “Then take me somewhere that isn’t here. Please.”
Darkness shuddered my senses before I’d even finished speaking.
My back hit supple plushness as I came back into myself, and Jasper was kneeling above me, framed by dark walls and the soft blue glow of nytefire, somehow both different and tragically reminiscent of that ill-fated night.
He must’ve felt it too, because the smile that tugged at his mouth was the same one he gave me then, just a coy curve of his aggravating mouth before he dipped down and kissed me again.
I didn’t even think to tease him for depositing me straight into his bed.