23. Chapter Twenty-Three
I, for one, found it endlessly amusing that Hans Deering, a highly respected lieutenant in the Elder Guard of Sophrosyne, was so very invested in the latest romantic scandal between the Houses. Apparently, Penelope Zephirin, second heir to the House of Gales, had recently run off with Johan Ymir—the son of Lord Gabriel Ymir of Samhaven. This was apparently a big deal. Kieran, however, did not seem to agree.
“Listen here, Captain. You might have grown up in the peace of Pyrhhas, but some of us come from the messier Houses. Let us bask in the hometown drama,” Hans shot back, rolling his eyes at his captain.
Laurel cackled.
“Are you from Vindyrst, then, Deering?” she asked.
“Unfortunately,” Hans replied with a grimace.
“So it should come as no surprise to you that even though Kole is the acting Lord of the House, it’s Cecelia who runs that whole show, yeah?”
“Quite. A toast to the Lady of Gales,” Hans said sarcastically, raising his glass.
“No chance in Hel,” Kieran muttered under his breath, before turning towards me.
“Do you want anything to drink now that you’ve actually got food in your system, Little Conduit?”
“I wouldn’t mind some cider, if they’ve got anything local,” I said, smiling. “I’m not picky.”
Though I, like Kieran, had no real interest in the political direction of conversation, I was having a good time. The mushroom tart that Laurel had brought us here for was indeed worth the trip, and the past few days in general had been rather pleasant.
Kieran nodded, briefly touching my shoulder as he stood. The brush of his fingertips was so subtle that it was likely unintentional… But that didn’t stop it from distracting me entirely from the conversation at hand. It wasn’t until the captain was halfway across the room that I managed to tune back into Hans and Laurel’s gossip session.
“Obviously the woman is ruthless, you know that. And she’s constantly butting heads with Lord Ymir in private. Like, let’s be real, none of the other Lords and Ladies can even stand her. So it’s not like Penelope had a long line of suitors, anyway. Just between us? I think the real reason why Lady Zephirin is so furious is that she’d been trying to groom Pen to be some perfect bride so she could negotiate a proposal from the Lord of Embers.”
Hans snorted.
“A second-born heir, matching with the most eligible bachelor in Atlas? Is Cecelia high?”
Laurel shrugged. “Lord Ymir speaks very highly of the High Lord de Laurent. I doubt that her position within the House of Gales would matter much to a man like him, but he is notoriously picky. Every attempted advantageous pairing fell through when he was younger, I guess… And now, the man simply doesn’t date.”
“We have got to hang around more often, Ansari,” Hans said with a wicked grin. “You clearly have all the insider information.”
Laurel feigned a curtsy while remaining seated.
“See, Ark? At least someone here appreciates my socialite expertise!”
I shook my head gently, still bemused.
“I’ll be right back,” I promised.
All of the ice water that I had gulped down when we first arrived had run straight through my system, so I excused myself to find a restroom while Hans and Laurel resumed their chatter.
After washing up, I was about to round the corner and return to the main dining room of the Arrowhead Inn when I heard Kieran’s voice, dropped low and deadly serious.
“You know I trust you, right, Jer?”
I should have kept walking. This conversation was clearly none of my business—Kieran had pulled his lieutenant to the quiet side of the inn for a reason.
Unfortunately, when my curiosity and my moral compass went head to head, it was often a coin toss on which would win. Adding in my absolute fascination with Kieran meant the game was rigged. I continued to eavesdrop, like an asshole.
“I know,” Jeremiah was murmuring back, tension clipping into his tone.
“Why haven’t you said anything?”
“It’s not that serious, Captain. We haven’t…”
I heard Kieran exhale slowly.
“Don’t bullshit me, Fairchilde. I saw the way he was looking at you. Grant Kraiggson is very clearly into you. Are you saying that’s unrequited? When you literally just up and left lunch to approach him at the bar? Come on now.”
“No, sir. It’s not necessarily unrequited, but that doesn’t matter. I acted on impulse and I apologize. I shouldn’t have approached him. It won’t happen again.”
“Jer, if you’re interested in the man, I’m not here to judge. Sure, he’s a little young, but that’s not my concern. But I do need to know your intentions… before anything escalates.”
“He’s my direct report, sir. That would be an abuse of authority and a breach of policy. Things won’t go any further.”
Kieran groaned.
“I’m not trying to lecture you here, Jer—though you’re doing a damn good job at lecturing yourself. I’m trying to extend an offer. We can always talk to Hanjae. Grant’s a fairly fresh recruit, it wouldn’t be difficult to get him shifted to another unit so that he’s not your direct report.”
“I’m not gonna upend this man’s career just so that I can fuck him, Kieran.”
“His career?” Kieran clucked. “Kraiggson is a shit scout and you know it. He’d honestly be better suited elsewhere. But I can’t in good faith keep him under you if he’s going to end up… you know. Under you.”
I bit my tongue, resisting the urge to laugh. Abyss take me.
“I told you, I would never abuse my authority over him. It’s not right.”
“I know you wouldn’t, Jer. But that sexual tension alone could create risks that I’m not comfortable with in our cadre. Just think on it, alright? Keep your head on straight. Think it through, and keep me posted.”
“Yes, sir.”
“It’s okay to move on, you know,” Kieran said, his tone slipping from authoritative to… something much more gentle. “It’s been a long time. He would want you to be happy.”
At that, the conversation seemed to end, and once I heard footsteps head in the opposite direction, I rounded the corner—only to run headfirst into Kieran, who was leaning casually against the wall.
Shit.
“Hello there, little eavesdropper,” he purred, eyes gleaming.
“Shit. I’m so sorry,” I stammered out. “I didn’t mean to—”
“Don’t be,” Kieran interrupted, shrugging. “I trust your discretion. But we are going to have to work on your stealth skills, methinks. You were hardly subtle.”
“Still, I had no right to hear any of that,” I said, grimacing at my own behavior.
Kieran shrugged again. “If I wasn’t comfortable being overheard, I wouldn’t have had the conversation in a public space, Arken. It’s no big deal.”
I’m sure that I was bright red, regardless.
“It’s very admirable,” I said softly. “The way you handled that. What you were offering Jeremiah.”
Kieran glanced back across the room, his icy gaze flickering to our corner table where his lieutenant had rejoined an animated conversation with Laurel and Hans. Laurel was spinning a single gold coin on the table, likely starting up some sort of drinking game. I shook my head, smiling.
“Admirable? Nah,” Kieran replied. “I’m just doing my job. As both his captain, and as his friend. Jer… Well, he hasn’t really expressed interest in anyone since his last heartbreak. Caleb. It’s a long story, but it’s been years. So if he’s actually into that freshling, I’d much rather open a few doors to make the relationship appropriate, rather than expect him to hold back his feelings for the sake of policy.”
For somebody who spoke of relationships and commitment as though they were dirty words, Kieran sure seemed to understand the nuanced nature of such things. And he clearly had empathy for Jeremiah and his position. I couldn’t help but wonder why a man so intuitive, so emotionally intelligent and insightful, felt the need to avoid companionship like a plague. Not like that was any of my business, either.
“Still, there are plenty of leaders who would have responded to that shit with a lecture and a write up, nothing more,” I said. “It’s no wonder the three of you are close. They both really trust you.”
“You have got to stop saying nice things about me, Little Conduit,” Kieran laughed, pushing himself off the wall. “It’s going to go straight to my head. Come on, let’s get you that cider.”
After we rejoined our friends, the five of us remained at the Arrowhead Inn for several more hours—eating, drinking and laughing. It was a surprisingly easy dynamic. Though Kieran and his men led wildly different lives from Laurel and I, we were all fairly close in age. Like Kieran, Hans and Jeremiah were only in their mid-twenties—and we all had more in common than I expected.
Once the sun began to set, Laurel declared her intentions.
“Alright, you fucks. As delightful as this place is, I’m in need of harder liquor and hotter women to flirt with.”
“I’ll drink to that,” Hans replied heartily.
“Come join me at The Clover?” Laurel asked the table, though she turned on the puppy-dog eyes when she caught my gaze in particular.
I groaned, shaking my head.
“You guys go have fun, I’m tapping out for the night. I need to catch up on my notes and get some rest, I’ve got an early lecture tomorrow.”
“I’ll walk you home,” Kieran offered.
It wasn’t lost on me how Hans and Jeremiah exchanged a look over that, though neither of them said anything.
“I hardly need a tour guide to get back to my apartment,” I said quietly, mostly to Kieran. “Why not join the others?”
“Not really in the mood,” Kieran murmured back while the rest of the group began to get up. His lieutenants stretched and groaned over the discomfort of the hardwood benches where they’d been seated, but I had a feeling they’d be fine as soon as they got to The Clover.
“Suit yourself, Captain,” I replied, keeping my tone even despite the fact that I was secretly delighted for the company.
If there was one thing that man did not need, it was an ego stroke.
“Thank you, Arken.”
Kieran’s eyes had gone a bit distant as we were walking together, effortlessly weaving through the bustling crowds of the Market District with his guidance.
“For what, exactly?” I teased. “You’re the one who picked up the tab.”
Much to Laurel’s chagrin, Kieran paid for all our food and drink before anyone else had time to even so much as reach for their Lyra. It didn’t escape my notice that he tipped the wait staff generously. And I found that what was once a simple, if not slightly obsessive, curiosity was quickly morphing into a deep admiration for the man that was Kieran Vistarii.
The more I observed, the more I found to appreciate about this man who was once just a handsome stranger. The more time we spent together, the more I began to wonder why he only seemed to have two people in his life that he was even remotely close with. And the more he and I spoke, the more I had to wonder what made me an exception to a lifestyle that seemed to be so carefully crafted to keep people at a distance.
After a brief pause, Kieran answered.
“It’s rare that I get to see those two so at ease and relaxed. It was good to see them let loose a little. They had fun.”
“I doubt I had anything to do with that,” I replied.
“No, you did. You definitely did.”
Catching my eye and my clearly puzzled expression, Kieran laughed.
“I act differently around you,” he explained. “More like a person, and less like their captain. And I’ve just been in a better mood lately, which is also arguably your fault.”
I prayed to the Source that the low light of dusk would mask my flushing cheeks.
“Adding you and Laurel to the mix seemed to let them relax. And with how stressful things have been for us lately… It was a relief, to say the least. I worry about them. So thank you, Little Conduit.”
I shrugged, still uncertain if that was my influence. If anything, it was probably Laurel’s.
“Anytime, Captain. But I’m surprised you didn’t join them at The Clover. They’ll be even more at ease once Laurel gets going. That woman is a menace on the dance floor.”
Kieran chuckled.
“I’m sure, but that’s not exactly my scene. They deserve to let loose without their captain’s watchful eye from time to time.”
“You don’t drink much, do you?” I observed.
“Nope,” he replied. “I’m not a fan of dulling my senses. And honestly? It fucks with my depth perception even more than usual.”
Kieran gestured to his blind eye in explanation. That made… perfect sense, actually. As tempting as it was to ask him how that wound even happened, I held my tongue. There was no need to be invasive.
“So what do you do to unwind, then?” I asked him instead.
He cocked a brow, smirking.
“I read. I run. I train. Among other… physical things.”
I tried my best to disregard the low rasp present in his voice as he spoke, causing visions of such other physical things to swim through my mind.
“Though I’ll admit, you don’t strike me as the type who drinks often, either.”
“No, not particularly,” I mused. “Mostly in social situations. Also, Laurel is a bad influence.”
Kieran gave me a doubtful look.
“Something tells me you’re not so easily influenced, Miss Asher,” he said dryly. “I’d wager you can be bad enough all by yourself.”
“Perhaps,” I said with a grin.
As the sky darkened, I found myself distracted by the twinkling constellations as they peeked through the clouds. For a moment, I forgot that Kieran was at my side as I paused, sighing wistfully and staring up at the sky.
“There’s that look again,” Kieran chuckled.
“What look?” I asked.
“The same look you had the entire time we were at the museum yesterday. The fascination. The wonder. You see beauty in everything, don’t you?”
Gooseflesh raised on my forearms, and I wasn’t sure if it was due to the chill of the breeze, or the fact that his words left me so exposed.
“Doesn’t everybody admire the night sky?”
“No. Not like you do.”
Gods.I almost wanted to press him for details, demanding to know what he meant by that… But I also wasn’t about to fish for compliments from Kieran. The man made me blush enough as is.
“It’s hard not to be fascinated,” I murmured, eyes still affixed to the heavens. “Especially considering what you told me yesterday. I keep thinking about it.”
“About which part?” Kieran asked, perfectly patient. As if my distraction didn’t bother him in the slightest.
“About the Aetherborne and how they mapped out the constellations in the names of the fallen. That whole concept of the Fates existing among the stars, guiding our paths… I don’t know. It stuck with me.”
I glanced over at him just in time to catch a quick grimace.
“What?”
“It’s nothing, Little Conduit. Go back to your star gazing.”
I huffed out a sigh, pouting in his direction. “Tell me.”
Kieran’s gaze shifted from me, back up towards the skies I had been admiring.
“I’m not sure if I believe in the Fates. Or in fate, in general.”
“At all?”
He shook his head, exhaling slowly.
“Why not?” I asked, legitimately curious.
“For starters, I’m not particularly religious,” Kieran said, still staring at the sky. “I’m actually more of an anti-theist, truth be told.” His expression had gone blank. Distant and unreadable. “And to me, the concept of fate and faith tend to go hand in hand. Both require you to believe in some unseen, all-powerful force at play, with very little evidence to prove its existence.”
We were aligned in that respect, but I let him continue.
“Don’t get me wrong, I think the Elders’ story of creation is profound. But I’m also dead set on carving my own path. Fuck the Fates.”
“I don’t disagree. But I have to wonder… Do you think the Aetherborne truly believe in that mythos?”
“According to what I’ve read, yeah. It’s not supposed to be a parable—they legitimately don’t believe that immortal souls reincarnate. They just… linger. By design of the Source.”
“Hmm,” I replied. I had finally managed to tear my eyes from the darkness above, just as the streetlamps nearby began to flicker—the arcana activating, setting the streets aglow.
We started walking again, and I chewed at my lower lip, pondering the possibilities.
“What’s on your mind now, Arken?” Kieran asked as we were approaching my block.
“I like your take on fate. On carving our own paths,” I admitted. “That resonates with me, and yet I still find myself drawn to the concept of these fallen gods, weaving our threads, guiding the way. I can’t explain the appeal, though. I suppose it could be that if even the Aetherborne believe in such things, I’m more inclined to consider the possibilities? But those two considerations exist in conflict…”
“Are you saying that you believe everything the Elders claim?” Kieran teased. “I pegged you for more of a skeptic, bookwyrm.”
I snorted. “A bold accusation coming from a man who swore an oath to protect and serve those very same Elders.”
“I swore my oath to Sophrosyne,” Kieran corrected, winking at me. “Not just the Aetherborne.”
“Semantics,” I scoffed, waving a hand around flippantly. “You still answer to the Nineteen.”
“Sure,” Kieran said. “And I respect the Convocation and their beliefs. I hold the Elders in high regard… But that doesn’t mean I follow them blindly. Nor do I think they’re infallible.”
I frowned at the implication, intended or not. I was not so naive.
“I never said they were infallible,” I argued. “But you do have to consider their lifespan. The Elders have been alive for well over a thousand years, have they not?”
“So they say,” Kieran replied easily, his tone free of that initial skepticism.
“I’m more inclined to believe assertions of our history from those who witnessed it first hand. They are theprimary sources, after all,” I said.
“History is always written by the victors, though,” Kieran murmured. “And I trust the Aetherborne. But I’m still not certain if our fates are truly written in the stars.”
“Now who’s veering off into poetics and philosophy?” I teased, elbowing him gently in the ribs as we arrived at my doorstep.
“Guilty as charged,” Kieran laughed, leaning in to my jab slightly.
Silence fell between us for a moment, the air thick with tension. A part of me wanted nothing more than to invite him inside, yesterday’s agreement to keep things platonic be damned. I watched his gaze drift from my eyes to my mouth as my teeth grazed my lower lip, a nervous habit.
“You have a good night, Little Conduit,” Kieran breathed, his voice a low rasp that sent heat straight towards my lower belly, desire pooling up from an endless wellspring.
Fucking Hel.
“You too, Captain,” I replied softly, rifling through my satchel to find my keys before I could act on the stupid, reckless impulses running rampant in my brain.
“Let me know when you’re ready for our next adventure,” he said, turning back towards the street, smiling over his shoulder. “You know where to find me.”
It took everything I had in me to resist the urge to catch his arm and pull him closer. No matter how much I wanted him, I knew damn well that if I acted on those feelings I would regret it.
Even so, I spent the rest of my evening in mild torment, haunted by the kiss I couldn’t bring myself to steal.