5. Astraea
Chapter five
Astraea
My breathing begins to ease the moment I step from the confining walls of that building.
As kind as the little girl was, I could only feign pleasantries for so long.
The crippling pain I feel from what my life is right now is so hard to mask with a smiling face.
The debilitating fear from the nightmares I've been plagued with is once again squeezing my chest. It’s too much.
I just need to breathe. I can’t allow it to hinder me useless.
I need to figure out what is happening. I need to figure out what my next steps are, because no matter what, I have to ensure that I am reunited with Colette.
Nothing matters more. I can’t even think of the possibility of her not being okay.
She is okay.
I would know if she wasn’t.
I have to believe it to be true.
I shiver as the cold chill sneaks into my borrowed cloak. The air here in Diemos is thinner, colder, despite the time of year. The atmosphere here is almost sinister in its abiding feel. An odd sensation, even as summer continues to creep in….
As I walk through the shadows, the darkness seems to bite at my nose and cheeks.
The sun is just beginning its ascension, though the sky is still a painting of deep purple and darkest blue.
A thick layer of mist filters the world through a mask of gray.
It blankets everything in a layer of moisture.
I’m grateful for the cloak. I’ve kept it on following our trek through the woods after the Cerkin attack.
I look down at the oversized borrowed clothing and the blood that now stains the dark material. I stabbed someone.
My brows dip as my hands absently drift up to where the gifted daggers lay sheathed at my ribs.
I never thought weapons would give me comfort.
But they do. I don’t know what to think about that.
About how I actually feel proud of myself for sinking the blade into Shayd.
I don’t know if I would feel the same had I actually killed him, but I did what I needed to do to defend myself, and it’s more than I have ever done in the past. I would do it again.
It’s likely that I’ll have to if what happened in the dunes is any indication of what the future holds.
That is, if I can’t get away from this life.
Am I even sure that getting away from this life is the answer?
There is still so much I need to figure out.
I follow the path that Maisy pointed to that will lead me to the stables.
After only a moment, I hear the muffled chuffing of the horses within its walls.
Tighten the hood down on my cloak, I quicken my steps when loud thunder rattles my bones, threatening a downpour.
I peek up at the churning sky and wonder if rain here is anything like when it falls in Eathian, rendering travel impossible. Will we be stuck here for days?
Before I step under the cover of the wood structure, I look up to see one star peeking out through the turbulent sky.
What am I even doing? Running? Breathing?
Is being here actually escaping my entrapment, or is this just another form of imprisonment altogether?
Like quicksand, the trouble in my life seems to pull me deeper with every move I make.
My eyes flutter closed as the first of the rain begins to fall on my upturned face.
It’s cool on my skin, and it feels entirely different than the fat, warm droplets that fall when it finally rains in Eathian.
I stand there for a moment, front-lit from the warming fires within the stablehouse.
I allow the water that falls from the sky to cleanse my exposed skin and help clear my turbulent thoughts.
Despite the lies, the unknown, and the worry I feel for everything, something akin to relief fills me. Even if only fleetingly, I welcome it.
I start to list the things I know to be true, hoping for some semblance of grounding.
I’m alive. I’ve gotten away from my father’s reach.
I have successfully entered another kingdom.
What is stopping me from running? What I told Kyros about surviving is true.
Why can’t this be any different? I can take one of the horses inside and ride as far as I can.
I can somehow find Colette, and we can—the sky opens up after another trembling crack of thunder, and I jump as it flashes white, and an unabashed laugh rips from my throat before I run under cover.
I’m so tired. Regardless of how much I fight the urge, the laugh bubbles past my lips again as hysteria wins.
“I didn’t think I would hear that sound again.” Fluttering wings take flight in my stomach, and a fire is lit under the surface of my skin at the sound of the deep, gravelly voice that penetrates through and surrounds me.
Kyros walks into the stables, his light tunic stained and ripped just as my tattered cloak was.
His eyes roam over me, and he steps into my space until I am forced to look up to meet his gaze.
His hand comes between us, his thumb wiping at the rain on my cheek.
I slowly blink, placing my hand over his and pulling it away.
As much as I want to lean into his embrace, my broken heart and conscience won’t allow it. He lets his hand fall to his side.
“I don’t know what I’m doing here.” I say honestly as I back away from him.
I don’t know if this is the time or place to be having this conversation, but something is telling me that allowing these thoughts to continue to grow within me is only going to hurt more.
Kyros remains silent, waiting for me to continue.
“I know.” He finally says when I don’t. He takes a step closer again, and as much as I want to retreat, I also want to step forward. Meet him in the middle; allow him to take my hand and wrap me in his large arms. Beg him to tell me everything is going to be okay, but I—
“I can’t trust you.” I say the thought aloud, and just admitting that makes the fragments of my heart yearn for him to put the pieces together again.
The ache in my chest intensifies with each breath I take.
He gently touches my chin and lifts my watery gaze to meet the endless chasm of darkness in his eyes.
“I know you feel that way right now, but I hope, with time, you can forgive me. I don’t deserve your trust, yet.
” His thumb brushes along my jaw, and the wings that have always lived in my stomach around only him take flight.
“I’ve made many mistakes in this life, but you won’t be one of them, Shula.
” Every breath between us trembles. My nails bite into the palms of my hands as I force myself not to touch him.
Not to give in to that little naive voice that says just forgive him.
“Oh good, you found her.” Shayd comes to a sudden halt just inside the stables as he seeks shelter from the steady downpour of rain.
He shakes his hair out like a dog, completely oblivious to the tension in the air.
Kyros’ eyes never leave mine, and I struggle to look away from his too, but when Maisy’s voice sounds from behind him, I push away the cloudy feeling from my head and create distance between us.
“I found her.” Kyros says, almost breathlessly, though I can’t tell if he is telling them or himself.
Even if it weren't for Maisy, I would have to look away just from the mere intensity in his gaze. I smile softly as I reach for Maisy. Though the smile is forced and doesn’t reach my eyes, I can feel the way Kyros watches me.
“I’m sorry I had to tell them where you were going. They asked, and well, I didn’t want to lie.” The small girl says, and my smile quickly flips upside down.
“Oh Maisy, that’s okay. I never wanted you to lie for me.
” I shake my head to drive my sincerity home.
I don’t want her to feel as though she disappointed me.
“I only wished for some time alone to think. You gave me that. Thank you.” I tell her.
It’s true, even if the thoughts turned to possibly running from this place, running from Kyros.
Lightning strikes the brightening sky, and the following thunder startles the horses into a frenzy of whinnies and neighs, making me and Maisy jump too.
I protectively wrap my arms around her and press her small body into my own.
I feel Kyros’ eyes watching the motion, locked on my arms that are around the young girl.
Looking down at her and our embrace, I realize why I feel so quickly protective of her.
Because in her, I see a younger version of myself.
I ignore his watchful gaze and the longing I can feel wedging into the space between my ribs.
“The storm is getting worse; we should really head back inside.” Shayd says, clapping Kyros on the back. He nods and looks between me and the girl again with an unreadable look on his face.
“Do you think if we run fast enough, we can make it inside without getting wet again?” I ask with a mischievous tone.
“Not a chance.” Maisy laughs, and I smile down at her.
“I guess that means you aren’t fast enough.
” I wink and run from the stable, my cloak whipping out behind me in the momentum.
Maisy lets out a shriek of laughter as she too runs into the rain and toward the door.
I hear the men call out behind us, but neither of us listens to them.
The run isn’t long. Just a few quick paces, but it does carry us through what is now a fairly muddy alleyway…
And the smile I wear the whole way makes the heaviness on my heart a little more bearable.