Chapter 22
Eve
"T here you are, Butterfly ."
Just as usual, Nathan is already on the call when I open it. His smile is familiar and warm.
"Hey Nathan. Thanks for meeting with me on such short notice."
Nathan gives me a curious look. "You know you don't have to thank me for that. It's you and me in this together."
I smile at his sentiment. Sometimes, he seems like more of a big brother than my psychologist. He's always been there for me.
I explain in detail everything that happened last night, starting with Adam coming into the bedroom and telling me that he was going to introduce me to everyone.
I leave out some of the more colorful language that I used with Adam, but I finish by telling him how I woke up this morning and the things that Adam had said to me.
Nathan's face is ashen. He stares back at me without saying a word.
I don't know how to decipher this look and I'm not sure what to say, so I just sit quietly and wait for him to respond.
After what feels like an hour but, in reality, is less than four minutes, He speaks.
"You told me Adam was just your friend."
His tone is laced with accusation, and I'm taken aback that my relationship with Adam is his focus. I thought he would have some serious thoughts about me trying to stab someone.
"I have told you for years now that crowds are your trigger. Why would you put yourself in this situation?" Again, his tone is accusing.
"I didn't. I don't. I didn't want to go down there. Adam carried me literally kicking and screaming."
"This guy isn't good for you, Eve. You need to distance yourself from this relationship. He doesn't understand you and he clearly has no idea how to deal with your mental health issues."
Nathan never calls me Eve. I know he's angry, but I can't figure out why. He still hasn't even mentioned the fact that I almost stabbed a man.
"I really don't think that Adam is the issue here.
I think the problem is that I tried to stab someone, and I don't even remember doing it?
" My tone is as level as I can manage, but my mind is spinning.
What is happening here? I don't understand his reaction and I'm not sure how to respond to his accusations.
"I'm not sure that you did try to stab anyone.
Actually, I'm almost certain that you didn't. How well do you know any of these men?
You already told me that you just recently met Adam.
How many people in this room packed with football players even saw what happened apart from Adam and his two best friends? "
Now, it's my turn to be silent. I hadn't expected this and he's right.
No one else saw what happened. Is he right?
Did I actually try to stab that guy? Or is this an attempt to control me?
Wait, no. Adam wouldn't do that. Cotton and Cal wouldn't do that.
I just know they wouldn't. I don't know how I know, but I know.
Adam is possessive and he is controlling, but he isn't a liar.
He isn't manipulating me. Besides, I have a huge gap in my memory.
Nothing else can explain the chunk of time that I'm missing.
"No one else saw. Cotton made sure of it and then Adam took me to our room and-"
His response is furious and cuts me off as I attempt to defend these people that I've come to care about. "Our room? Since when do you and this guy share a room together? You don't even know this man. Eve, I thought you knew better than this. I thought I could trust you."
What in the actual fuck is going on here?
Trust me? In what way have I betrayed his trust?
He doesn't know these men like I do. His concerns are misplaced.
Adam is not the problem. Cal and Cotton are not the problem.
Me not being able to maintain a connection with reality and attempting a violent assault against another person is the problem.
"I'm sorry that you feel this way Nathan, but I have not betrayed you and you are wrong about Adam.
You're wrong about all of them. They're good people.
They care about me. I believe what they've told me.
I truly don't remember the entire day or night after about 2:00 pm.
Shouldn't that be your main concern here? "
Nathan appears to soften a little. "I'm concerned about that, Butterfly.
I am. I just don't think that we should blindly accept the timeline of events laid out by these complete strangers.
You and I have known each other for a long time now.
We trust one another. I say we just hold off on gobbling up everything these men tell us until we have more information. "
Looking away from Nathan, I simply nod. He isn't going to be convinced of anything yet.
It's going to take time for him to see that these men truly want what's best for me.
That's understandable. He doesn't know them like I do, and it's probably pretty difficult to believe that I attempted to unalive a complete stranger.
"What about hypnosis? We haven't had a session in a long time. I was thinking that maybe when you come to town, you could try to pull out some of my memories again. Maybe, if I could understand my past, I could understand what happened and why I'm like this."
Nathan sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"There's nothing wrong with you, Butterfly.
You're perfect the way you are. You have no problems with me, with your parents, with your roommates.
There are no problems when you're playing the game.
Don't you see that your problems stem from this new relationship?
Everything was fine before you brought this boy into your life. "
I can't believe what I am hearing. I avoid crowded grocery stores because I can't be around people.
I wear a hoodie in ninety-five-degree Austin weather to hide my face.
He doesn't see a problem with that? I was doing these things long before I met Adam.
Adam is not the problem. Maybe the problem is that my psychologist doesn't see a need for me to get better.
"I hide behind clothing. I don't go to public places out of fear. What kind of quality of life can I expect to have if I can't be around more than three people at a time?" My words spill out in a rush leaving Nathan looking surprised and confused.
"We're working on all of that."
I don't let him continue. "We are? What are we doing?
I am no less fearful of crowds now than I was a year ago.
In fact, my fear has actually gotten worse since my adoption.
I never used avoidance before in the same way that I do now.
Admittedly, avoidance is probably better than fighting or running away like I used to, but it's still not a healthy form of coping. Surely, you agree with that?"
Nathan's eyes narrow on me before he gives me a smile that doesn't meet his eyes.
"I think you're right, Butterfly. A hypnotherapy session could help uncover some of the underlying issues involved with your disorder.
Let's plan a session for my visit. We can go to your game and then have dinner at my hotel after the session. "
His hotel? Internally, I roll my eyes to the back of my skull. Adam is going to shit a literal brick over this one. There's no way that I can tell him. I need to do this. I need to find out about my past and all he will see is that I'm in a hotel with another man.
"Okay. Sounds good. I'll plan for that."
Nathan's smile is genuine now. He's back to himself. "Good. That's good, butterfly. I look forward to seeing you."
"Yeah. Me too. See you then." I disconnect the call and use my grounding techniques to center myself. I do not feel good about this. Deep breath in. Slooooow breath out. Focus on the breathing.
I think to myself, five things I can see? I see the bed. I see the picture of me and my roommates. I see my hands. I see my desk. I see Adam's textbook.
Four things I can feel? I feel my hair. I feel my sheet. I feel the texture on the wall. I feel the lampshade.
Three things I can hear? I hear the living room TV. I hear the clicking of my pen. I hear a bird outside my window.
Two things I can smell? I smell the scent of shampoo in my hair. I smell the fabric softener on my sheets.
One thing I can taste? Getting a mint out of my bedside table, I pop it into my mouth. I taste the wintergreen of this mint and foreboding. Something is coming. I can taste it as surely as I can taste this mint.