Chapter 6
A za had woken up screaming this morning. Her nightmares were flooded with memories of her mother and the pure horror and grief that followed her death.
It had been a hard day. That was putting it lightly.
Today was the anniversary of her mother’s death, which meant her walls were down.
The nightmares, the visions, the voices—they were all coming at her today in full force.
And to top it off, whoever had done the guard schedule put her with two newer guards who were no help.
She understood that Jahar had been working a lot and deserved a day off.
He had even tried to get put on the schedule today, but they told him that, as a guard, he wasn’t allowed to work more than a week straight without a day off, even as her personal guard.
He had apologized profusely yesterday when he realized it had indeed been his seventh day of work, not his sixth as he had originally thought.
Aza had told him it was fine and that she would be fine.
She knew it would seem weird and improper for her personal guard to be spending the day with her off duty, and she was not up to leaving her room at all.
All she needed was another episode to bring unwanted attention to her and her situation.
So in her room she stayed. Without Jahar.
Why did it have to be today that everything got mixed up, and why couldn’t she at least have gotten Bennu or Killian instead? They at least would have been a little more comforting.
Her father had been nowhere to be seen. Aza was sure he was dealing with his grief in his own way, and she didn’t want to trouble him with more worry, but she could have used the comfort. Even though it had been ten years since it happened, this day never seemed to get any less hard.
But here Aza was, balled up in the corner, trapped in yet another vision.
This one was of a man—an older man with graying hair that was thinning on top.
But most of it was covered since the left side of his head had a huge sunken hole in it, as if someone had hit him incredibly hard in the head.
Blood leaked from it, mixing into his hair before flowing down his face.
But instead of being scared or confused, he looked angry.
No, furious. When he saw Aza, his eyes bulged, and he charged at her, yelling at the top of his lungs.
“Who are you?! Where is she?! Did you help her?!” As he shouted, his hands became animated, pointing at Aza and balled into fists. “I’ll kill her! She can’t get away from me! And you know what? You… you won’t either! That’ll teach her and you!”
Aza had no idea what he was talking about.
She guessed it wouldn’t make much sense since it wasn’t real, but regardless, Aza was still terrified.
She closed her eyes. Shook her head. It didn’t stop.
He still stood there yelling about some woman and how he was going to make her pay, and then he started threatening Aza, yelling at her that he was going to kill her and this was her fault, too.
The longer he continued to yell at Aza and threaten her, and the longer she didn’t answer him at all, the angrier he got until he finally decided to come at her and reach his arms out to grab her.
Aza couldn’t help it anymore. She let out an ear-piercing scream and threw her arms up to protect her face.
Finally, the vision was gone, but Aza couldn’t stop screaming and crying.
She couldn’t take this anymore. Why was she cursed with this fate?
Why did these awful things always haunt her?
She did everything she could to be a good person, so why did she deserve to be tormented like this?
Aza hadn’t even realized her guards were in her room, for she couldn’t hear them over her screaming and couldn’t see them clearly through her tear-filled eyes.
However, it looked like there were four.
Aza thought maybe it was the tears doubling her vision, but as she blinked them away, she saw that there really were four. Change of shift, it was then.
Night had fallen; it was going to get worse.
This thought sent Aza into another spiral of wails and endless tears. She clutched her mother’s necklace in her hands and tried to pray to the heavens.
She could barely make out one of the guards saying, “Go get Jahar. He’ll know what to do. He stopped by a few times today to check on her. Said to get him if she or we needed him. It’s time. This has been going on all day; it’s tiresome.”
“How dare you speak about your princess that way?” This voice sounded familiar, Killian maybe?
“You go and get Jahar, and you think about your words and actions, and be grateful if I don’t go to the King myself about your insolence.
It is an honor to serve the Princess. Not all glory comes from battle, child.
You'll be quick to learn that. Now go!” he barks his remaining thoughts.
Aza was too caught up in her grief and fear to really comprehend what she heard, but she caught Jahar’s name, and all she can think about is how she wishes he were here. How she wished he would hold her.
Aza heard footsteps approaching her and, out of fear, recoils, raising her arms to block her face and body.
“Hey, kiddo. It’s okay. It’s just Killian. You're safe. I know you're scared, and I am sorry about that, but it will be okay, just hang in there. I’m gonna sit right here with you.”
Aza isn’t able to get any words out, but she does manage a small nod, and continues to sob, feeling as if there is a hole in her chest that cannot be filled.
Aza is overwhelmed with so many emotions that she isn’t sure whether she’s still crying because she’s scared, tired, sad, grieving, or something else in between.
She just knows that she wants it to end.
She wants the pain to end. The fear to end.
The grief and the empty feeling she has to go away.
Aza didn’t know how much time went by before she hears footsteps race into the room.
Killian tells her that he is going to step out and that she is safe and will be okay.
She hears him talking to someone else, but Aza doesn’t even look up to check.
She has her face buried in her knees, which are pulled up to her chest. She hears bits and pieces of the conversation.
Something like screaming, crying, sitting with her, Aza drowned out the rest; she doesn’t want to hear anymore about how she’s a problem, even though she knows deep down that’s not what Killian is saying.
Aza heard footsteps retreating and another pair coming toward her. Through her tear-soaked eyes, she sees a man kneel beside her.
“Hi, my princess.” His deep, silky voice fills her senses, and her breath hitches.
She stuttered, unsure if it’s just the voices messing with her, “Ja-Jahar?”
She looks up and tries to wipe her eyes. They are so swollen it’s hard to see out of them, and the tears still continue to pour out.
“Yeah, it’s me, beautiful,” Jahar reassures.
Aza doesn’t understand why, but this makes her cry even harder.
What’s wrong with me?
“Hey, I need you to focus on my voice, okay? I need you to start taking some deep breaths. I know it’s hard right now, but we have to start somewhere, okay? I’m right here. You’re safe. Breathe. In… Out. In… Out.” Jahar coaxes in a calm, gentle tone demonstrating his breathing technique.
Aza tries to follow his command, but hiccups with sobs a couple of times in between before she starts to settle a little.
“Good girl. Keep going. I know you don’t think so, but you’re doing great. Okay? You’ll get through this, and I’m here for you while you do. In… Out. In… Out.” Jahar works with Aza through her major panic attack, and she feels endlessly grateful.
A fear and longing ping through her, though, at the thought of wanting Jahar to hold her and not understanding why he won’t. A glance around the room showed her that it is only them in the room.
Is this all a cruel vision? Am I really that crazy? Did I make him up and intertwine him in my life, and just fool myself into believing he’s real?
These spiraling thoughts send Aza into another panic attack.
“Hey, hey. What happened? You were doing really well?” Jahar’s voice is filled with concern.
“Are you even real? D-did my sick mind make you up? I-I couldn’t handle it if it did.” Aza breaks, spilling out her fear.
“What are you talking about, hun?” Jahar sounds confused.
“You… you’ve never… never once touched me.
N-not a single time s-since I met you. All my visions, they…
they’ve never been able to touch me. That’s how it ends.
They try to touch me and… and they can’t.
Oh heavens above, please tell me this is real.
” Aza can barely catch her breath between her sobs as she explains what has been fueling her fear.
Aza doesn’t hear anything from Jahar, and she swears a part of her breaks when she thinks this is it; her fears were right.
But then, out of nowhere, Jahar pulls her to him and cradles her in his arms. She feels his heartbeat beneath her.
Feels the warmth in his hands and his body.
Can feel his breath flow through her hair.
“I’m real, Princess, and I’m right here.
I’m not going anywhere. I’m sorry, I didn’t know that was a fear you had.
I had to keep boundaries. We got so close so fast, and then my position changed, and I was just trying to do what I thought was right.
I’m so sorry.” Jahar genuinely sounds hurt, and Aza swears she feels a teardrop touch her head.
“Thank the heavens.” Aza breathes out, still crying but now feeling Jahar wrapped around her, she tries to calm herself.
“That’s right. Good girl. You’ve got this.” Jahar encourages.
“I’m sorry.” Aza whispers, feeling ashamed of herself.
“You don’t need to apologize. This isn’t something you chose or caused. I am sorry that you are going through this. You don’t deserve this. If I could take it from you, I would in a heartbeat.”
His words warm Aza in a way she didn’t know was possible, but she still feels like she has something to say, so she tells him, “I know they're not there. I know no one else can see them, but no one's ever acknowledged that they're real to me. That they scare me."
“I believe you. Even if I can’t see what you do, I care about you enough to see the changes you go through when it happens.
It’s real in its own way. You’re not crazy.
You just deal with things that others are fortunate enough not to.
You are strong and amazing. Don’t ever think differently.
” Jahar is firm with what he says, but Aza can tell his words are mixed with so many emotions and so much compassion.
Knowing that, even though they had just had a breakthrough, things couldn’t stay like this forever, wrapped up in his arms, she pressed closer into him, taking in all his warmth and scent. Thankfully, he does not pull away; instead, he holds her tighter.
Aza must have dozed off because she awakens to the feeling of blankets being pulled over her and Jahar’s eyes peering down at her.
“I’m just tucking you in. Close your eyes. I’ll stay with you tonight. I’m gonna pull up a chair and sit next to you all night, okay?” Jahar whispers.
“Okay,” Aza whispers as she drifts back off to sleep.
It must have still been very early in the morning when Aza stirs awake because the sun was barely above the horizon, and the sky still held some darkness to it as the light chases it away.
Aza’s eyes flutter open a little more, and she finds Jahar lying back, asleep, in the chair from her room.
She can’t help but smile. He kept his promise.
After he had put her to bed, she was able to sleep through the night without any nightmares.
She would never be able to express how grateful she was for him.
Even if things didn’t really change after this, because how could they really?
She would still be ever thankful for last night and for this amazing man in front of her.
Aza couldn’t help but stare at him. How his hair fell across his face all tousled, or how his plump lips lay partially agape, perfect for kissing, Aza thought and giggled at herself, or how his body lay there resting but still strong and sturdy as ever.
Aza knew that, after everything that occurred yesterday and with him sleeping, being ever the gentleman watching over her and protecting her, this probably wasn’t the time to be having certain thoughts about Jahar, but she could feel the warmth and butterflies growing in her stomach and between her legs.
But it was all of that that was making her feel that way to begin with.
So she decided to just relish in the sight and the feeling.
“Thank you. I love you,” Aza whispered ever so gently, for it to be but a breath as not to wake Jahar. She might not be able to say that out loud for him to hear, but that didn’t mean she didn’t mean it with all her heart. So Aza stayed there staring at her love. Her light.