Chapter 20
A za woke in a cold sweat. A nightmare had plagued her sleep, though the details were already slipping away. Had she see Mama in it? She thought so, but she couldn’t remember it vividly enough. What she did know was that she had this sinking feeling in her stomach that wouldn't go away.
Things had felt off lately. Baba seemed more tense, and Mama was distant.
She had just come back from a trip to see her father across the ocean.
Aza had begged to go with her, not wanting to be away from her mother for that long, but Mama said this was something she had to do on her own, since she hadn’t seen her father since leaving after marrying Baba.
She was gone for nearly a month. When Aza asked about her adventure, Mama didn’t offer much in the way of stories or answers, which was strange for her since she normally loved sharing stories.
Not only that, but something happened when Mama was away.
Aza had been in the gardens tending to the flowers that Mama loved so much when she had seen a young girl.
The girl's complexion was so very pale, almost green-tinge.
Her eyes were bloodshot, and her body looked frail.
Aza tried speaking to her, asking if she was sick and how Aza could help.
When Aza told the guard to fetch a healer, they only stared at her, confused and concerned.
She repeated to them that this girl needed help, but they told her there was no girl.
Aza was shocked to see that they were right.
When she turned to speak to the girl again, the girl was gone, and there was no evidence she had ever been there.
Aza was so shaken that she ran back to her room and spent the rest of the day and night curled up in her bed, crying on and off and wishing her mother were there.
It wasn’t until the next day that Aza decided she was not going to tell her mother.
After thinking it over, Aza wondered if this was what Mama went through when she had her moments of staring off into the distance and seeming to talk to things that weren’t there.
Mama never spoke about it with anyone else, and Aza saw the way people had looked at her early on before she learned to hide it.
Aza figured that if Mama hid it, she would too.
She also didn’t want to alarm Mama or cause her any more worry.
So Aza buried it, hoping it was just a one-time thing.
But it was not, and she had two more similar visions, and the nightmares started, though when Mama finally returned, she still did not tell her.
Aza was so happy to see her, but although Mama was there to give her a big hug, she seemed sad. Aza had asked if her visit with Jiddu hadn’t gone well, but Mama said it had gone fine; it was just a difficult journey. The sadness never seemed to leave her, which worried Aza to no end.
Today wasn’t any different. Aza was beyond worried, the gnawing feeling that something was wrong, and she worried that it had something to do with Mama. After quickly dressing for the day and skipping breakfast, Aza took off to find her.
She checked her parents’ chambers first, but they were not there.
Next, she checked the dining area, thinking she might be eating breakfast, but no one was there.
Next, she checked the library. Mama loved reading, so maybe she was there trying to find her next story to read, but no luck. She wasn’t in the gardens either.
Riddled with worry, Aza went to Baba’s study.
She told him where she had already looked for Mama and that she still could not find her.
She told him that she was worried that something was wrong.
Baba didn’t share the same sentiment and told her that Mama was probably hiding somewhere with a book and that he needed to get back to work. Aza left his study furious.
Aza continued searching other places, asking guards if they had seen her at all.
No one had. Even her personal guards didn’t know where she was; they said she had woken up early in the morning and made quite a fuss, saying she did not want to be followed.
Frightened of the consequences either way, they decided just to leave her alone.
Aza snapped at them and told them they should still have followed her.
Now she was even more worried, and she began picturing someone hurting her.
Of course, Aza didn’t truly believe anyone in their kingdom would hurt their beloved Queen… but stranger things had happened.
Aza thought she had exhausted all her options until she remembered this little hidden study Mama said she sometimes snuck off to for a quiet place to unwind, because no one ever used it. She rushed so fast to get there that she left her guards in the dust.
Aza found the wooden door, small flowers carved into it on the top and near the gold-colored handle.
Aza knew that Mama had engraved them herself; they weren’t perfect, but they were still beautiful.
When she began to open the door, she could see light and shadows dancing on the walls, and she smelled smoke and candle wax.
Relief flickered through her when she thought she had found Mama safe, but she was not prepared for what waited inside.
On the ground were black candles, all lit, with symbols Aza didn’t recognize written in dark red, spread out in a circle around the candles.
Black roses and petals lay scattered across the floor.
Beyond it all lay a woman, curled on her side.
Long,straight reddish-brown hair spilled over her face, but Aza undeniably knew it was Mama.
She rushed over to her, knocking over candles and slipping on the wet symbols.
Aza crashed to her knees beside her. She pushed Mama’s hair out of her face.
Her skin was pale, her eyes closed, and her lips looked dry and cracked.
Aza moved to pick her up, but her hand slipped again on something wet, and there was far more of it this time.
Aza looked down to find her hand covered in a thick red liquid.
Aza’s heart sinks when she realizes it is blood—Mama’s blood.
She moves around quickly to find where it is coming from.
That’s when she sees it. Deep slashes ran from her wrist up her forearm.
Blood continued pooling from them, and Aza could see inflamed skin within.
“Mama, no! What did you do?! Why did you do this?!”
Aza crawled to her and gently pulled her in her lap, cradling her. She continues to brush her hair as her body racks with sobs. Mama doesn’t open her eyes.
“Mama,” Aza cries, “Mama, please wake up! Mama, I’m here!”
Aza’s tears splash on Mama’s beautiful, pale face. No breath escaped her. No heartbeat pulsed beneath her chest.
“Mama… Mama, you can’t leave me! I need you!” Aza screams through sobs, clutching onto Mama’s body tighter.
Aza couldn’t stop the tears streaming down her face.
She tried to look down at Mama, but can no longer see through the kaleidoscope of tears.
Aza’s world began to spin. If only she could see properly, she was sure the room itself would be spinning.
Aza tried to hunker down closer to Mama, but the dizziness wouldn’t subside.
Aza’s breath began to quicken until she felt like she couldn’t catch her breath at all. Her chest began to burn, and the spinning only increased. Aza couldn’t take it anymore. She couldn’t stay here, soaking up Mama’s blood, holding onto her lifeless body.
Aza gently laid her back down on the ground. Moving her hair out of her face and planting a kiss on her forehead.
“I… I love you,” Aza gasps through sobs, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” her voice breaks.
Aza stands up quickly, almost losing her balance.
She walks through the wet symbols on the ground and over the candles and roses.
She yanks off her blood-soaked shoes, tossing them to the wall before she barrels through the door and runs to her room.
Without even thinking, Aza starts the water in her bathing chambers, still fully clothed.
Aza watched the red liquid drip from her and swirl down the drain.
She scrubs as fast and as hard as she can.
She could still barely see through her tears, and her ears are filled with an all-consuming ringing.
She can’t concentrate on anything, and she doesn’t know how long it is until she realizes her arms are red and raw from the uncontrollable scrubbing.
Aza begins to strip herself of her clothes.
She then continues to attack any inch of her skin that still holds Mama’s blood, wanting to wash everything away like it didn’t happen, like she’ll wake up tomorrow and see Mama eating breakfast.
When the water is no longer pink, Aza steps out and grabs a towel, methodically drying every inch of her skin, not wanting to remember the feel of that thick red liquid.
Mama’s blood. It had been Mama’s blood. She’s dead. Aza found her too late. She couldn’t save her.
Aza crashed to the floor, her knees hitting the hard ground before she falls onto her chest, curling herself into a ball.
She can’t stop the shaking or the sobs that rack through her whole body.
Her vision blurs, and a darkness starts to creep in.
It is only moments before the darkness consumes her completely.
Aza was awakened suddenly by hands on her shoulders, gently shaking her, and a voice calling her name. She opens her eyes to find her handmaiden, Sana, staring at her with worry.
“Your Highness? Are you alright? What happened? Did you faint?”
Aza is groggy from being out and from what she thinks was a dream of Mama, but she can’t remember much of it. She tries to speak, but her voice is hoarse, and her throat is dry.
“Miss, let’s sit up slowly,” Sana said as she gently helped Aza sit up.
There was still water on the floor, and Aza knows her clothes are in the bathing chamber. Aza tries to look around the room more.
“Don’t worry, Your Highness, I will clean this all up but first, let’s get you to your bed.”
Sana gently helps Aza stand, then offers her support to her bed. Aza lies down and pulls the covers over herself, hiding her face from the light, from the world.
“Miss,” Sana pauses like she has something to say, but doesn’t think it’s the right time.
Aza knew why she had come there. She came here to tell her about her mother. But Aza doesn’t want to hear it, doesn’t want to be reminded.
“I just need rest. I want to be left alone,” Aza says, and before Sana can disagree, Aza pleads, “Please, leave me.”
Aza hears Sana’s footsteps retreat and the front door shut behind her.
Aza couldn’t stop the sobs that broke from her chest once again. She has no control over them and can’t stop them. Eventually, they consume her, and everything goes dark again.
This time, when Aza wakes up, the sun is no longer shining in, but rather the moonlight is. As Aza slowly sits up, she sees Killian standing at the bottom of her bed, eyes shining red.
“Princess…” His voice cracked and he cleared his throat before continuing, “I… I’m afraid I have some terrible news. The Queen… your mother, she’s… she has been found,” he gulps, “She’s dead. Dear Princess, I am so sorry,” he can barely utter the words.
Aza only caught bits and pieces of how a servant found her through an open door to a study, about how the servant ran to get the guards and the healers. But it was too late; they couldn’t save her. She was already gone and had been for a little while.
Aza’s heart shatters at his words. This was not a nightmare she could sleep through and wake up from. This was real. Her mother was dead. Her world and life would never be the same moving forward. Aza can’t do anything but cry.
The following days slipped away from her; she was swallowed by grief and unimaginable pain. She can’t even bring herself to eat or drink, and the only time she exits her bed is when she can no longer deny herself release in her chambers.
She overheard passing servants and guards that the Kingdom had a beautiful funeral and memorial for Mama, and that she was buried in the sands of the oasis where she first realized she loved Baba.
They had planted flowers over her, and the people had crafted a beautiful tombstone to mark her place in the land.
Aza couldn’t bring herself to go, couldn’t imagine having to dress in formal grieving attire, and couldn’t imagine having to say goodbye to Mama again.
Baba had only visited briefly, but she could tell by the deep circles under his eyes and the bloodshot veins that ran through them that he, too, had not begun to overcome any grief and that she couldn’t expect anything further from him.
But if she were being honest, she didn’t want to see him. She wanted to be alone.
And that was how she stayed for days… then weeks, Aza lost track of time. But it didn’t matter how much time passed; the grief and horror never left.