Chapter 24 #2
When they can no longer hear them, Aza looks up at him through her lashes and takes hold of his hand.
Jahar sucks in a sharp breath, but doesn’t pull his hand away.
She gives him a small, seductive smile, fiddling with the door handle behind her back and opening the door.
When she looks down at his body, she can see his pants are strained, as if something is trying to poke out. This only riles her up more.
Backing up and pulling his hand slowly with her, she whispers, “Come in.”
He again doesn’t pull away, so Aza turns and walks further into her room.
She continues to pull him with her. Her hips sway as she brings them inside and starts heading to the bedroom.
The door closes behind them, a loud thud echoing in the room as if it were closed fast and hard.
Jahar’s steps behind her sound heavy and disorganized.
Aza doesn’t know if it is because a suggestion lingers in the air or if the drinks he had are catching up to him.
Aza turns around, sitting on the edge of the bed, releasing Jahar’s hand. She lies back on her elbows, crossing her legs in front of her, and tilts her chin up to face Jahar.
“Would you?”
“W-would I what?”
Aza lifts her leg, tapping her shoe on his thigh, “Take my shoes off for me? They’re killing me, and you said you would take care of me,” finishing with a slight pout.
Jahar grins and bends down on one knee, keeping one up and flat to place her leg on as he slips one shoe after the other off.
His hands linger on her bare foot until he begins to rub up past her ankle and up her bare calf.
His hands glide easily over her smooth skin despite the callouses she can feel on his palms.
Heat floods Aza’s face, and a wetness pooled between her thighs.
Keep going, Aza begs silently.
As if reading her thoughts, Jahar leans closer. His hands slip farther up her leg, breezing over her knee and firmly sliding up her thigh under her dress. Aza falls back, a breathy moan slipping free.
At that sound, Jahar’s other knee crashes to the ground, and he grips both her thighs, pulling her closer to him and swinging her legs over his shoulders.
Aza sits up on her elbows again, sees a feral look in his eyes, and smiles.
His face barely looks over her stomach as he pushes her dress up farther.
A cool breeze dances up her inner thighs and over her core. Aza shivers, fingers clutching fabric.
His fingers dance over the thin lace fabric of her panties and the sensitive skin underneath.
Lightning shoots through her body. He continues further up, running his fingers over her stomach, spreading them to either side of her hips and gripping them, pulling her closer to him, making Aza fall off her elbows and land in the cushy bed.
Jahar’s chest pressed firmly between her legs, and his warm breath fanned across her lace panties.
A sweet, but agonizing throb building in the sensitive skin underneath them.
She reaches out and finds his soft, thick hair, running her hands through it and gently pulling at it.
She lifts her head to see him tenderly brushing his lips over her stomach, his fingers pressed deeply into her hips. His eyes meet hers, and there’s a hunger in them that she’s never seen before.
“Jahar,” his name coming out as a moan past her lips.
Aza catches a shift in his eyes. Worry flashes in his gaze, and the hunger that was there moments ago vanishes. He releases her hips, pulling her dress down to cover her. He’s on his feet in an instant, horror taking over his expression.
Aza pops up in bed, “Jahar?” Fear laces her voice.
“Princess. We… we can’t. We shouldn’t have. This is not right.” Jahar says frantically, “We both had too much to drink. We are not in our right minds. We need to seize this night right now and be thankful we did not go any further.”
Aza is on her feet in an instant, “I don’t want to stop this. This is all I think of in my right mind, in my haunted mind, and especially in my wine-filled mind. I want you, Jahar.” Aza pleads.
“No!” Jahar cuts sharp. “I am your guard! We cannot do this! Do you want me to lose my head? I’ll be lucky to keep it if anyone finds out what we were just doing. I might as well swing the blade myself if I take your virginity!”
Aza holds her breath, shock locking her in place. Tears well in her eyes as she takes a step back.
A softness crosses his face. He draws in a steady breath. “I… I’m sorry, Princess. I shouldn’t have raised my voice. That was my failing, regardless of the circumstances. I’m sorry. But Aza, darling, we can’t. We can’t cross a boundary that can never be undone.”
“But…” Aza interjects.
“Let me finish what I need to say,” He takes in another deep breath as Aza nods, “What would we even do? You are going to be married off to someone else. Even if I’m allowed to go with you and stay as your guard, what am I supposed to do?
Watch you with another man? Knowing he gets to be with you whenever he wants.
Gets to touch your beautiful body. That he gets to be inside of you, knowing I was there once.
I… I can’t. I can’t handle that. I can’t know what that feels like because I will never be able to let that go.
And it’s not just sex. I can’t know what it’s like to be with you.
To no longer deny and bury my feelings. I…
I don’t even know if I’ll be able to look at you the same way again, or how I’m going to continue to just be your guard.
Do you have any idea how intoxicating you are?
How long I’ve craved you for? How I haven’t been able to lie with another woman since the day I fucking met you, when you snuck into the kitchens and turned my world upside down?
Even from the beginning, I wanted you, but you were so young.
You're still so young. I have fought for years to remain in my place, to not cross lines, to do my job correctly. I've just wanted to be near you, even if I can not have you. We… we have to end this, we have to move on. You have escaped a marriage for years, your father loves you, but I don’t think he will allow this charade much longer. Aza, he is probably going to choose a husband for you at the ball, and it won’t be me. ”
Aza is too stunned to form any response. Jahar does actually have feelings for her, but he will never indulge them, at least not any further than he just let himself slip.
Did I just ruin our friendship? The one thing in this whole world that means the most to me.
“Jahar. I’m—I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I love you.
I’ve been in love with you since the beginning.
I can’t choose a husband because none of them are you.
No one will ever know me like you do or care for me the way you do.
No one will comfort me like you when my mind turns on me.
I may be young, but I'm not some little kid or love-struck teenager.
Even despite my age, I haven't been some young, innocent girl for a long time. I lost that when I found my mother dead. And after that, I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to live. I didn't want to exist. It went on like that for years, until I met you. You gave me a reason to want to live again, to want to get out of bed in the morning, to want to keep fighting. I can't lose that; I can't lose you. Jahar, I can’t lose you. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please… please don’t leave me,” Aza breaks into a sob, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Aza's legs give out beneath her. Jahar wraps his arms around her before her knees crash into the ground. Aza buries her face in his shirt, sobs rack her body.
Her lungs constrict, and her body shakes uncontrollably. She clenches onto his shirt like her life might end if she lets go. Tears gush from her eyes, and there is a lapse in her breathing as the sobs take over.
“Aza,” Jahar says softly, “I am sorry. The fault is mine. I will not leave you, but I cannot give you what you want or deserve. The closest I can ever be to you is your friend. I am sorry.” He tightens his arms around her.
Her sobs begin to quiet, her eyes no longer able to produce tears to keep up with the heartbreak running through her veins.
Jahar gently guides her to her bed, but when she feels the fabric on her fingertips, her mind flashes to how she gripped the sheets while Jahar roamed her body and then to him yelling about how they can’t be together.
“No!” She screams, pushing away from the bed and Jahar, sinking to the ground, and placing her head between her knees and arms.
“Aza.”
“No!” She yells again. “I… I need to be alone.”
“Aza,” Jahar starts softly.
“Please. I… I can’t. I need… time alone.”
Jahar takes in a ragged breath, “Okay. I will be outside. Az… Princess,” he pauses, “I am truly sorry.”
Aza doesn’t respond. Truthfully, the last thing she wants is to be alone, to be without him in her presence, but if they truly will never be together, she can’t keep holding onto something that can never be.
This thought unravels her further, however, and it isn’t until her body gives out from hyperventilation and drowning in her tears that she finally falls into the darkness of sleep.