Chapter 16
sixteen
. . .
Jake
I’ve been coming to the gym more than usual lately, but mostly late at night, when I can’t sleep, when the buzzing under my skin won’t quit. Today, I’m here early, trying to make sense the whiplash of the last few weeks.
I’m on the treadmill, headphones in, not really hearing the playlist, when a hand taps the front bar.
“Look who made it to the gym today,” Wyatt says, stepping next to my treadmill with a grin pasted across his face.
I hit the button to slow my pace down to a walk. “Yeah, sorry man. I’ve been coming at night after I leave Natalie’s place. Burning off some excess energy.”
“Things going well there?” Wyatt asks, and there’s something knowing in his tone.
I blow out a breath and hit stop. The belt slows underneath my feet. “Kind of. It’s…complicated.”
“How?” he asks.
I step off the treadmill and grab my towel. “You done with cardio? Spot me?”
“Sure, man.”
We move over to the benches. I rack the bar, lie back, and take a breath, trying to line my thoughts up with the reps.
“So you gonna tell me how it’s complicated? Or should I guess?” Wyatt asks.
“We’ve been spending more time together,” I say. “I bring her dinner. We talk. And…” I trail off.
“Are you sleeping together?” he asks.
“Yeah.”
He doesn’t say anything for a beat. I knock out a set, rack the bar, and he’s still quiet, which is not a great sign.
“Okay,” he says finally. “Do you have feelings for her?”
I laugh once, but there’s no humor in it. “I’ve had feelings for her since before my party.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.” I sit up, forearms on my knees. “I’ve noticed her at events for a while.
She’d show up with Stella or I’d see her with other people, and I don’t know…
there’s just something about her. She makes a room feel different.
At my party we actually talked, and it just clicked.
I wanted more even then, but she was very clear it was one night. ”
“And now?”
“Now she keeps saying she doesn’t do relationships. That it doesn’t mean anything.”
“But you want it to mean something,” he says.
“Yeah,” I admit. “I do.”
He nods like that tracks with the version of me he knows.
“There’s work too,” I say. “Her career’s just taking off, and now she’s pregnant and terrified it’s all gonna blow up in her face.”
Wyatt studies me. “So what’s the plan?”
“Good question,” I say. “The plan is to keep showing up. Be there for her and the baby. Be patient.”
He lets out a low whistle and nods. “That’s good. But Jake…” He hesitates. “You might want to know where you stand before the baby comes.”
I flop back on the bench and stare at the ceiling for a second. “Yeah. I know. We’ve got time, though.”
“Sure,” he says.
He helps me through another set. When I rack the bar, my chest is burning in a good way.
The rest of me, not so much. We hit the mats to stretch, then make our way toward the locker room.
My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I pull it out immediately.
The pregnancy app I downloaded flashes across the screen.
Your baby is now the size of a lemon! This week, baby can wiggle fingers and toes.
I just stare at it. My throat tightens.
Wyatt leans over my shoulder. “Already on the apps, huh?”
“Yeah,” I say, huffing out a laugh. “Didn’t realize getting emotionally attached to produce was part of the journey.”
“Wait until it’s ‘your baby is the size of a pineapple,’” he says. “You’ll walk through the grocery store and get weirdly choked up in the fruit aisle.”
“Does it ever stop feeling huge?” I ask.
He thinks about that. “Honestly? No. It just changes. With Ruby, it felt like every week there was something new. First heartbeat, first kick, first time she grabbed my finger. Every one of those felt big. Still does.”
I look down at the lemon notification again. “I’m really excited,” I say quietly. “Like, stupid excited. This is what I’ve always wanted. To have a family. A kid. The whole thing. It just didn’t look like this in my head.”
He laughs, but then his face softens. “You scared at all?”
“Yeah,” I admit. “I’m scared she’s gonna wake up one day and decide I’m a complication she doesn’t need. I’m scared she’ll put up those walls and lock me on the outside and I’ll still be in love with her.”
He goes quiet at that.
I hadn’t said that part out loud yet.
“You’re in love with her?” he asks, voice low.
I drag a hand over my face. “I don’t know if that’s exactly what it is yet. It feels big. But I’m on that road. And I’m definitely further down it than she is.”
We step into the locker room. It’s quieter here, the usual gym sounds muffled by lockers and doors and the low murmur of other guys talking.
Wyatt grabs his bag from the locker and sits next to me on the bench. “Look, man. I get it. You don’t want to push. That’s good. But you also don’t have to pretend this is casual in your own head. You’re allowed to want the whole thing.”
“I do,” I say. “In my ideal version, we end up under the same roof. We fight about baby names instead of visitation schedules. We argue over whose turn it is for the middle-of-the-night feeding and then both get up anyway.”
He smiles. “So you’re already living in the sequel.”
“I’m already living in every possible ending,” I say. “Best case, we get there. Worst case, she never wants more than standing at opposite sides of the crib doing the handoff. I’m trying to be okay with both outcomes. My heart’s not exactly on board with worst case.”
“Yeah,” Wyatt says softly. “That part’s rough. I get it.”
I look at him. “Did you ever worry about that? With Blair?”
“Sure,” he says. “Back when we were trying to figure us out, I was terrified I’d screw it up. Or that I wanted more than she did. But I decided I’d rather risk getting my heart wrecked than sit on the sidelines of my own life.”
I snort. “Since when did you become a feelings guru?”
“Since I started sleeping more than four hours a night,” he says. “The clarity is wild.”
I laugh, but the truth of it lands.
“Have you told your mom?” he asks after a beat.
“Yeah,” I say, a little smile pulling at my mouth. “She cried happy tears and immediately asked when she could meet Natalie. Then asked if she should start a college fund. I had to remind her we don’t even know the gender yet.”
“Good ole Linda.”
We finish getting changed and head out into the parking lot. The morning sun’s already warm, the sky that perfect LA blue that looks fake on TV but somehow is real when you’re standing in it.
“Well, the only advice I have is keep doing what you’re doing. Show up. Be patient. Let her see you’re not going anywhere,” Wyatt says.
“And if she doesn’t come around?” I ask.
Wyatt’s quiet for a moment. “Then you’ll still be an amazing dad,” he says. “You’ll still have this kid who knows you chose them every single time. But honestly? I don’t think that’s how this goes.”
“You sound pretty confident.”
“That’s because I know you,” he says. “When you want something, you don’t half-ass it. And Natalie would have to be out of her mind not to see what a good guy you are.”
I want to believe that. I do. But I also know you can show up for someone who doesn’t want you there. You can give everything and still not be enough.
Lauren taught me that.
But I know Natalie’s not Lauren. She’s not using me for a stepping stone or a safety net. She doesn’t want anything from me except that I show up for this baby.
“Thanks,” I tell Wyatt. “I needed to say some of that out loud.”
“Anytime,” he says. “That’s what I’m here for. Gym, beers, emotional support. Full-service best friend package.”
My phone buzzes again.
Natalie
Yoga class tonight. Should be home by 8 if you want to come over for dinner.
My heart does a stupid little jump. She’s inviting me over casually, like it’s normal. Maybe I am making progress.
Jake
I’ll be there. Any cravings?
Natalie
Something with carbs. Lots of carbs.
Jake
Got it. See you at 8.
I look up to find Wyatt watching me with a knowing smirk.
“That her?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re smiling like an idiot.”
“Yeah.”
He laughs, unlocking his car. “Text me later. Let me know how it goes.”