27. Carlisle
27
Carlisle
T onight is the LA premiere of Captain Commander . I stand to the side as Ben’s stylist, Brooke, dresses Ben in a Tom Ford suit, tugging and tucking his shirt into place under his jacket, smoothing his lapels, and running a lint roller over his jacket and pants.
I wish it were my hands running over the planes of his muscular body.
Ben looks handsome every day, but he looks especially so tonight. His tailored clothing hugs his broad shoulders and clearly defined pecs before tapering at his trim waist. As delectable as he looks wearing his suit, I can’t wait to peel it off him later.
When the hair and make-up people pack up and leave the house, I stand in front of Ben, swiping a wayward lock of dark hair from his forehead. “Such a pretty face,” I murmur, brushing my lips lightly across his. “I’ve never kissed a guy who wears make-up before,” I tease, my eyes alight with mischief.
“It’s just some powder, not real make-up,” he scoffs, adjusting his shirtsleeves under his jacket for the third time, the only outward sign betraying his nerves.
Ben is anxious, both about the event itself and about my reaction to Willa accompanying him. It sucks watching him get ready for a date with another woman, but I can’t change it. I can only accept the situation and pray that these next few weeks pass as quickly and painlessly as possible.
Ben’s publicist, Becky, appears in the doorway of Ben’s bedroom beckoning him to follow her. “Sorry to interrupt.” She sounds anything but sorry. “The limo’s here. It’s showtime, Ben.”
“Ok, I’ll be down in a minute,” Ben replies, nodding at her. “Give us a minute.” I hear the swish of Becky’s long, black dress as she exits the room.
“I don’t think she likes me very much,” I say softly and without malice, although Becky’s dismissive attitude towards me today has irked me. I guess I can’t fault her for disliking me. In light of the Ben-Willa fauxmance, my presence in Ben’s life does make Becky’s job harder.
“Most days, I don’t think she likes me very much either. Pretty sure she only likes Willa,” Ben responds.
Curious, I ask, “Why does she only like Willa?”
“They’re good friends,” he explains. “But I don’t want to talk about them.” Standing in front of me, he gently grips my face in his big hands. “If I could, I’d have you on my arm tonight. You know that, right? I’d be so proud, so happy to have you with me.”
Chewing the inside of my cheek, I nod, never tearing my gaze away from his kaleidoscope eyes. They're a jumble of gorgeous greens, browns, and golds, and I could stare at them for hours. “I know.”
He pulls me into him, his heat searing me. His lips move to my ear. “It’s you that I’ll be thinking of all night.” Sliding his hand down to my ass, he roughly pulls my hips to meet his, but when his lips descend upon mine, his kiss is gentle and tender.
Ben’s hand finds mine and places it over his chest. “My heart beats for you, babe.” Tipping my chin up, he gazes at me with such intensity it feels like I’m staring into the sun. It’s blinding and painful, yet I can’t tear my eyes away from him.
After Ben and his entourage leave for the premiere, Joanna finds me sitting on Ben’s bed. She hands me a creamy square envelope.
“What's this?” I ask, taking it from her outstretched hand.
“Open it and find out,” she singsongs.
Eagerly, I slip my finger under the flap of the envelope and remove the thick stationery card.
Dearest Carlisle,
I want our last night together to be special, so I rented a suite at the Ritz Carlton. Until I'm able to join you there, know that I'll be missing you. But even when we're apart, you're always in my heart.
Love, Ben
Forgetting that I have an audience, I sigh happily, pressing the letter to my chest. My melodramatic reaction causes Joanna to laugh.
“I take it that you like Ben’s surprise for you.”
“Indeed.”
“I know it doesn’t make up for not being able to take you to the premiere, but he’s really trying to woo you as best he can.” Jo pushes off the doorframe, leaving me in the bedroom to pack my overnight bag.
Joanna accompanies me to the hotel and expedites the check-in process. When the door to the suite swings open, I’m greeted by a bottle of chilled champagne and a catering cart laden with a bevy of appetizers. Ben knows that the way to my heart is through food. I try my best to convince Joanna to stay and drink with me, but she declines because she’s on standby in case Ben needs something.
Snacking and sipping, I wander around the spacious suite before ending up on the balcony. Lingering outside, I realize that it overlooks Ben’s film premiere. From my seat on the balcony, I listen to the crowds below loudly cheer as the stars walk the red carpet. When the screaming reaches fever pitch, I walk to the edge of the balcony. Gripping the railing, I lean over to catch a glimpse of the action.
Even from this distance, my heart skips a beat when Ben emerges from the black luxury sedan, waving at the legions of fans who have come out to support the movie. Always the gentleman, Ben walks around to the other side of the car to help Willa exit the car before they walk the red carpet together. I watch the procession, as they stop to talk to fans, pose for photographs, and sign autographs.
I wish I had binoculars so that I could see them better. I spent weeks worrying that Ben might be a stalker, but who’s the stalker now? That errant thought elicits a chuckle.
After polishing off the rest of the bottle of champagne, I lounge on the king-sized bed and flip through the TV channels to find a movie to watch, but I pause on an entertainment channel when I see videos of Ben and Willa at tonight’s premiere.
Unfortunately, the videos only confirm my worst fears and increase my anxiety because Ben and Willa play the part of a happy couple with conviction. Willa looks radiant, dressed in a bold red, skintight sheath that hugs her curves. Like a Hollywood bombshell of yesteryear, she represents every man’s fantasy with her beautiful face and stunning, sensuous curves.
My insecurities are magnified exponentially when I compare myself to her.
Willa is like the luxury designer handbag and I’m the cheap knock-off you buy in the back of a sketchy bodega in New York City. Squint your eyes and it might look like the real thing, but up close, all the imperfections show.
Ben warned me that it would be a late night for him. I try to wait up for him, but I can’t stay awake. The bottle of champagne acts as a sleeping aid, and sometime around midnight, I fall asleep.
In the very early morning hours, I roll over and sigh in relief when I feel Ben next to me in bed. My eyes adjust to the darkness, and I study Ben’s gorgeous face, memorizing each detail of his features, from the angles of his cheekbones to the pronounced divot above his upper lip to the small mole on his cheek. Unable to stop myself, I reach out and lightly trace my fingertip down his profile as he sleeps. I begin at his forehead and skate down his nose, stopping to gently rub his lower lip with my thumb.
When I stop to look at him, really look at him, he steals my breath from my lungs.
“Even before I felt your fingers, I could feel you watching me,” he rasps sexily .
“I’m sorry. Go back to sleep,” I whisper, withdrawing my fingers, feeling guilty that I woke him. “You need your sleep.”
Gathering me in his arms, Ben hugs me tightly, murmuring in my ear, “Not as much as I need you. I missed you tonight. Let me show you how much.”
His words send a direct shot of pleasure to the pulse now beating between my thighs. I lift my leg to wrap it around his hip as he rocks against my center.
“You did?” My voice sounds breathy and needy even to my ears as I squirm in his arms, desperate for him.
“I did.” He replies quietly, tightening his grip on me. Ben’s lips brush mine ever so lightly, sending sparks to my heart. He caresses my cheek, and I lean into his comforting touch. Nibbling my bottom lip, he drops his brow to mine, gazing into my eyes. There's an intensity present. He pauses as something powerful flows between us.
The smoldering look he gives me both incinerates my panties and makes me think that he’s on the precipice of admitting the depth of his feelings for me. I know I’m standing on the edge with him. Those three little words pop into my head and the need to say them is strong, but I’m too scared to be the first to voice those feelings.
While I may not say them aloud, I feel them deeply.
Stubbornly, he too remains silent.
Instead, he pulls me atop him, his warmth and his scent enveloping me. My legs fall open, settling on either side of his hips. I sigh at how good his hard length feels as I press and rub my core against him. I flex my pelvis and nearly groan in ecstasy. His hands slide up and down my thighs, caressing and squeezing, encouraging my movements.
Sitting up, I shuck off my camisole, leaving me only in panties. Ben cups my bare breasts in a bruising grip before his mouth latches onto one of my nipples. He licks and sucks and bites with this mouth while his fingers play with my other nipple, pinching and rolling it and driving me crazy with need. I arch my back, pushing into his touch.
My moans grow louder, and my movements grow more frantic as I grind my drenched center over his erection. I feel the telltale tingling sensations moving down my spine as my body tightens in preparation for its release.
But before I can come, Ben flips me onto my back and rips my panties off before taking his boxers off. Sliding over me, he drapes his body across mine and I relish feeling the weight of him atop me. He kisses me until my breath is ragged and I’m aching for him to fill me.
Pleading, I gasp, “Please, Ben.”
“Please what, baby?"
He's toying with me, but I don't care. “I need you. Fuck me. Now, Ben!” My head falls back against the pillow as he slams into me with one harsh, beautiful motion. My eyes flutter closed at the pleasure of having him inside me. I wrap my legs around his hips as he withdraws and then fills me again and again. My hand grasps his ass, and I feel him flex with each thrust.
Propping himself up on his arms, he raises his body above mine and brings one of my knees to rest over his arm. I watch Ben as he bites his lip and looks down to where our bodies are conjoined.
“Fuck, it’s so hot to see myself disappear inside you,” he growls. “You take me in so well, baby.”
The new position makes him sink into me even deeper and I whimper at the deliciousness as he nudges my g-spot with each thrust. Ben fucks me slowly, wringing every last drop of pleasure from my body until I nearly convulse.
“Touch yourself. Put those pretty fingers to your clit and let me feel your pussy strangle my dick, Carlisle. ”
His dirty words are so hot that I almost orgasm on the spot and I feel a riotous blush cross my cheeks. I follow his command and rub circles over my slippery clit and within seconds, my body starts to clench and coil around Ben. My whimpers morph into a muffled scream and my back bows off the bed as my climax plows through me.
“Shit, Carlisle, I lo—”
There it is again. That almost admission.
But before he can finish his statement, Ben throws back his head, driving into me with a ferociousness I haven’t felt before and then he comes with an animalistic roar. Ben slumps on top of me, like a sexed up weighted blanket.
The following morning, I awaken slowly, feeling sluggish and deliciously sore. I rub my thighs together, remembering our decadent middle of the night lovemaking, already wanting him again.
Rolling over, I glance at the clock on the bedside table and gasp. Ben’s ride to the airport will be picking him up soon. I can’t believe he let me sleep so late!
Jumping out of bed, I grab the hotel robe and throw it on to cover my nakedness and then I set out to find my boyfriend. Hearing his voice, I follow the sound and find him on the balcony leaning against the railing and talking quietly on the phone. When he sees me, a large smile appears, and my heart beats double-time.
I have it so bad for this man.
“Got it, Becky. I know… I said, I know. Look, I’ve gotta go. I’ll talk to you later,” he says hurriedly before tossing his cell phone onto the patio table and holding out his arms. “Come here, babe.” Engulfing me in a hug, Ben rests his head upon mine. “I’m glad you’re up.”
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
“I only woke up a few minutes before you did, and you looked so serene sleeping that I didn’t have it in me to wake you. I probably should have though since we don’t have much time left.” He clasps my face with his palms. “I’m going to miss you so damn much.”
“Me too, Ben.”
“These few weeks are going to be insane for me. I’ll call and text when I can, but it’ll probably be at odd hours because of the time difference.”
“That’s okay. I understand. I’ll be happy to hear from you regardless of the time.”
“If you feel anxious, please reach out. If I can’t answer, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”
“Seriously, I’ll be fine,” I reassure him. “Don’t worry about me.”
“I do worry about you, babe.”
He does. I know he does. I see the concern in his eyes now as he searches my face, and I’ve seen it countless times over the past weeks. Honestly, I am worried about how I’ll feel when he’s away. I’ve spent the last week avoiding thinking about Ben leaving. Anytime a thought about the showmance or promotional tour would pop into my mind, I pushed it aside. What lies before us will be difficult and I didn’t see the purpose in dwelling on it.
But now that Ben’s time of departure is upon us, I second guess my process. Perhaps if I’d better mentally prepared myself, it wouldn’t hurt so much right now. Absently, I rub at my breastbone, hoping to alleviate the pangs I feel in my chest.
An intense expression flits across Ben’s face. “When I’m gone, you’re more than welcome to stay at my house. I had Jo make a key for you. In a weird way, it’ll make me feel closer to you knowing you’re there, but I'd understand if you’re more comfortable at your condo.” He fishes a key out of the pocket of his sweatpants and places it in my hand.
The metal, warmed from his body, signifies something important between us, and I clasp it tightly. It represents a tangible sign of his feelings and the trust in me, and with it, the pains in my chest abate.
My relief is short-lived though.
“Feel free to use any of my cars too. You know where the keys are. Just be careful when you’re coming and going. There shouldn’t be any paparazzi loitering around my house since it’s common knowledge that I’ll be abroad, but you never know.” He grimaces and gestures towards his cell phone. “That was what that call with Becky was about. She’s not pleased that I never asked you to sign an NDA, so she wanted to make sure that you know the score… that you know to stay quiet about our relationship. The photos that popped up from our dinner date at Le Bistro still have the studio on edge. If you’re linked to me in any way, it would be disastrous.” He pauses. “Her words, not mine, by the way.”
Stepping out of Ben’s arms, I feel the sting of hurt and humiliation.
Of course, I know the score, as Ben put it. How could I not?
It’s insulting that Ben even felt the need to verbalize that. Not to mention how painful it is to be reminded that I’m Ben’s dirty little secret. The woman he fucks behind closed doors while he publicly courts another woman in order to further his career.
At a loss, I stay quiet. Our relationship is new, and he’s been working to get to this level of professional success for years, so I feel guilty even wishing that he’d fought harder not to participate in this arranged PR relationship with Willa. Which is pointless since that ship has long since sailed, but it makes me fear that he may always put his career above me and our relationship. While I understand coming in second on his list of priorities now, I don’t want to be relegated to second place forever.
As if privy to my inner monologue, Ben immediately apologizes. “Shit, I’m sorry, Carlisle.” Ben drags a hand through his wet, fresh from the shower hair.
I heave a sigh. “I hope you know I’d never talk to the media. Never. Obviously, I know to stay out of sight too.”
Out of sight, but hopefully not out of mind.
Ben rubs his hands up and down my arms, comforting me. “I know, babe. I trust you implicitly. Becky has everyone sign nondisclosure agreements. The masseuse, the delivery driver, the gardener. But because I trust you, I never asked you to sign one. I don’t need an NDA to know that you’d never betray me. You know that, right?”
With eyes downcast, I nod.
There’s a lengthy pause before he continues, “I think it’d be best to avoid following the entertainment news. The press is about to have unfettered access to Willa and me. I don’t want the increased publicity to upset you. Just remember that anything you see between Willa and me is acting. We’re each playing a role, and it’s merely another aspect of our jobs.”
“Are you though? Acting with her and she with you?” The words leave my lips before I can retract them.
My mind wanders back to the cast party at Ben's house. I caught Ben watching Willa while she and Thad flirted several times. I asked Ben about it, but he brushed me off. Curious and a little worried, I paid closer attention to Willa’s behavior towards Ben, and I noticed that she often watched Ben from afar too. It could have been harmless or even coincidental, but it seemed like more. The look on Willa’s face while she tracked Ben with her eyes… it concerns me .
As much as Willa claims not to harbor any feelings for Ben, I sense that there’s something lurking under the surface. Something more potent and dangerous than friendship.
Ben’s head rears back as if I punched him. “How can you ask that, Carlisle?” His voice is low and rough, clearly offended by my insinuation. A muscle ticks in his jaw. He turns away from me and walks the length of the balcony. “I understand that this is a fucked-up situation, but I’m trying so hard to make you feel secure in our relationship. What more can I do to assuage your worries?” He looks both melancholy and agitated. “Whatever it is, I’ll do it. I don’t want you to ever doubt my feelings for you.”
Filled with remorse for my insecure and impulsive outburst, I race towards him, not wanting the emotional distance to fester between us. I grab his shirt and pull him into me. “No, I’m sorry! Ben, you’ve done everything you can to make me feel cared for and loved. It isn’t you I’m worried about. It’s just…” I trail off, taking a deep breath. “Every now and then, I get a sense that Willa is into you, that’s all I meant. I trust you. It’s Willa who I’m not sure I trust.”
Ben smooths my hair back from my face. “Babe, Willa is a fantastic actor, one of the best. I promise that there’s nothing between us. She just knows how to turn it on for the cameras and make it look real.”
I want to believe him so badly. “Ok. My emotions are getting the better of me this morning because I’m sad that you’re leaving.” I lie my head against his chest berating myself for voicing my fear and spoiling what little time we have left together. “I’m sorry. Truly.”
“This isn’t how I wanted us to leave things, babe.”
This isn’t how I wanted to leave things either. Maybe it’s my insecurity winning or my paranoia that the other shoe is waiting to drop, but I can’t shake the feeling of dread that lies within me. Although Ben dismissed my fear that Willa has feelings for him, the kernel of doubt remains, taking up space in my head and my heart.
I hope I’m wrong.
An abrupt knock on the hotel room door signals that Ben’s ride to the airport has arrived.
Immediately, his mouth finds mine. One of his hands holds the back of my neck, angling my face up towards him, while his other arm snakes around my waist. He’s holding me so tightly that the air is forced out of my lungs, and even though it feels like I’m drowning, I never want this kiss to end.
I want to memorize every minute detail of his kisses. What he tastes like. How he smells. How his lips feel pressed to mine, assertive and demanding. How his stubble chafes my skin and causes it to sting in the most tantalizing way. How my heart beats faster and my pulse begins to throb between my legs.
How I can’t ever get enough of him.
There’s a second, more insistent knock on the door and we break apart. Feeling dazed, I follow him to the door, desperate to spend every last second with him. Ben reels me into his arms, and I go willingly, feeling the prick of tears behind my eyelids. I cling to him, fervently wishing that I could stop time and stay in this moment forever.
Pulling back, he cradles my cheeks in his hands and leaves me with the most loving and tender kiss. Then he opens the hotel room door as I watch him walk away, but before he enters the elevator, Ben turns and blows me a kiss. Forcing a smile, I grab it from the air and clutch it to my chest.
But that light-hearted moment doesn’t ease the heaviness that has settled in my bones this morning, this deep ache in my chest that feels like I'm not whole when Ben is away from me.