Chapter 21 #2
Aaron slowly came around. It wasn't instant; there were still awkward moments, stilted conversations, times when the betrayal felt too fresh. But gradually, he started inviting us both to things again. Started making jokes about us. Started acting like my brother instead of my disapproving parent.
“Forgot how much I used to love watching you dance.” Aaron’s voice startled me as I stopped in the middle of the studio, the notes of La Bayadere slowly dying over the speakers.
“Mom and Dad always made me go to every single one of your competitions and shows. And somewhere along the way, I found myself looking for stupid livestreams to keep up with you, even when I couldn’t go in person… ”
Rolling my ankle around in my pointe shoes, I smiled.
“Yeah, it’s been a while. You always used to text me right after to tell me how amazing I was, even when I sucked.
Today I just wanted to see if I still got it,” I shrugged, feeling out of my element.
Sure, I danced, but dancing a variation on pointe took a different kind of effort.
That’s why I loved ballet; there was always room for improvement.
When I improvised, I could mess up and call it art.
When it was a classical ballet variation, you either did it or you didn’t. There was no in between.
“Think you still do,” he smiled, leaning against the door. “It’s good to see you… happy. Despite the topic of conversation.”
I felt my throat close up from sudden emotions, and I had to blink the unexpected tears away. “Yeah… it doesn’t hurt anymore. Knowing the mirror is going to be the only audience I’ll ever have when I want to dance.”
Aaron crossed the space between us, and for the first time in a very long time, he wrapped his arms around me. I felt like a little child being pulled into a bone-shattering hug that had the potential to put back all my broken pieces. “I’ll always want to come watch you dance.”
Tears streamed down my face, and I had to breathe through my nose to get through the emotions. “I missed you.”
“I’m so sorry for how I reacted,” Aaron said, sincerity lacing his voice.
“And I’m so sorry for lying to you and hiding things,” I sniffled into his shoulder. “I just wanted to be able to figure things out on my own for the first time in my life.”
“I know,” he nodded, kissing the top of my head.
“But watching you lose your dream was hard on me. I couldn’t protect you from it.
There was nothing I could do to make it easier for you, so I wanted you to have a good college experience here.
I needed you to just fit in and have fun to ease this stupid, powerless feeling I had.
But I know, I was wrong. I should have let you handle things in your own way.
You have been a grown-up since the age of ten.
I don’t know why I thought I needed to protect you from the world when I know you grew up in such a demanding environment. ”
I smiled through my tears because ballet school was not for the faint of heart. But I also understood he wanted to protect me.
If only we communicated better earlier.
“Sorry, I made you worry.”
“No,” Aaron shook his head. “I’m sorry, I worried so much. I should have trusted you. You know yourself, you know what you need.”
“Not at the beginning,” I let out a low laugh as a fresh set of tears rolled down my face. “I was very lost, and sad, and just angry. But I finally found someone who understands me and is with me through all of that. And I wouldn’t have met him if it weren’t for you.”
“And I’ll be forever grateful that he helped you.”
“We helped each other,” I nodded. “Derek healed parts of me that I didn’t know were broken.
And I know you might think we bonded over trauma, and once we both heal, we might not feel this way, but this is so much deeper than just trauma bonding.
He knows me, every single part of me, inside and out.
Somedays he knows me better than I know myself.
And the opposite is true too. We connected on such a deeper level…
It's scary. I’ve never been this devoted to anyone. ”
“I know,” Aaron smiled, looking down at me and wiping my tears away. “I’m so incredibly proud of you. Even if I wish you had just told me.”
I chuckled. “You would have said he’s a fuckboy and he’s using me.”
“Still wrapping my head around the fact that he hasn’t been with anyone since you first brought him cupcakes. But his injury changed him.”
“Yeah… injuries do that to people. It makes you question your entire life, personality, and existence.”
Aaron took a deep breath. “Will you, please, forgive me for being an overbearing ass of a brother and making you cry?”
I laughed through yet another set of fresh tears. “Yes, you fool. Only if you forgive me, too. I’m sorry I lied.”
“No more lies,” Aaron looked deep in my eyes, and I nodded. “And please be safe. I don't want to be an uncle yet. Do you need me to get you birth control?”
“Aaron!!” I covered my ears as my cheeks turned pink. “I’m not sixteen, I know how to have safe sex!”
“Really, cause I think when people are sneaking around, the last thing they think about is protection.”
“Talking from experience?” I mocked him with an eye roll. “Thank you, but this conversation can end here. I might have been inexperienced, but I’m not na?ve or stupid.”
“Don’t think I didn’t notice the usage of past tense,” he grimaced.
I let out another laugh, this time without any tears. “Gosh, this is so embarrassing. We are still talking about Derek, okay? He might not be a fuckboy anymore, but he is very good at…”
“Yeah, you’re right, we can end this conversation,” Aaron cut me off, and I grinned victoriously.
“Please stay out of my sex life,” I said, kissing his cheeks. “You and the whole team. No more gossiping on where I’ve been with Derek and what we did.”
“I didn’t ask for those updates,” Aaron shrugged defensively. “I was provided with them unsolicited.”
I rolled my eyes. “Fine, but no more.”
“No more,” Aaron nodded and pulled me into another hug. “I love you. Even if I didn’t say it too often in the past few months. Your happiness is always my number one priority, and as long as Derek makes you happy, I’m happy.”
“Are you going to tell him that, too?” I teased with a small smile, soaking in his strong hug and his citrus scent.
“Let’s not push it,” he laughed into my hair. “I still want to make him sweat a bit longer. He broke the bro code. You were off-limits.”
“Well… at least he only plays off-side in real life, and not on the soccer field.”
“Look at you, making soccer jokes. Dex is really rubbing off on you…” Aaron grinned.
I laughed. “And we’re back to sex jokes. Noted.”
“I wasn’t even thinking of it… But it’s clear where your mind goes.”
Another eye roll from me, and I pushed him away. “Go away, I want to practice another variation.”
“Can I sit and watch?” he asked, his voice smaller than before.
Tears burned in the back of my eyes, and I swallowed hard before nodding. “I’d love that.”
I watched my brother settle in front of the mirror as I picked a variation from The Sleeping Beauty. Something upbeat and happy to contrast the tsunami of emotions rushing through me.
And then for the first time in a very long time, I danced as Aaron watched.