21. Jonah
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
jonah
I can hear birds chirping outside, and when I open my eyes, I can see the sun is already bright.
I don’t want to climb out of this tent though.
I don’t want to leave his side.
We tried to clean up as best we could last night, but we’re both still sticky and gross. It’s fucking amazing.
Everything about last night was fucking amazing.
He talked to me. He told me real things about his family. And I told him things I never ever thought I would tell anyone. Not even Micah.
The sex was awesome, but the talking was straight-up amazing.
He starts to stir next to me, and I swear I don’t want him to wake up just yet because I don’t want last night to have been a dream. Or for him to think it was a mistake. I just want to lie here with him for a little longer.
“It’s fucking cold,” he says, snuggling into me and burying his freezing cold nose into my side.
“Yeah, whose idea was it to sleep outside in September?” I tease.
“Worth it,” he mumbles into my bare skin, and yes, yes it was.
“How do you feel? Are you okay?” I’m asking if he’s physically sore from bottoming for the first time. But I’m also asking more than that. And I know he knows it when he picks up his head to look at me.
“I’m great. Really.” And I believe him.
I smile. “Good. No one will know,” I say firmly.
He takes a deep breath and then releases it, looking at me. “I know. I’m sorry. I wish it were different.”
I can’t say I completely understand why he even cares about his family disowning him—if they can’t accept him for who he is, then is it really worth it? But I also know not to say that out loud. I know I have Micah and Jenna. I know that’s a privilege he doesn’t have.
“Do you ever get tired of being in the closet though?” I ask the ridiculously stupid question before I can stop myself.
“Every. Day,” he says instantly, not shying away from it. “But they’re my family.”
I nod, still not understanding but getting it a little. “I know,” I say, kissing him softly. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not. It’s fucked-up, and you deserve better, but I can’t come out. I can’t. They’d be done with me.”
We both sit up, and I hug him to me. “It’s okay,” I try to reassure him. “This is for us. No one else.”
“But it’s not fair to you. You’re free.”
He keeps saying that. “And I want you to be free to be who you are too. I believe you will be someday.” There’s an ache deep inside my chest when I say, “I know it.” Because we both know I’m lying. I don’t know that. I don’t know it at all. He may never come out.
But that doesn’t change anything for me.
I still want him. I want him for as long as he’ll have me. And maybe that’s pathetic, but I don’t care.
“Wanna go to my house and see if Jenna will make us pancakes.”
“Yeah, I really do,” he says instantly, and we force ourselves to climb out of our makeshift bed and pack everything up before driving to my house. When he parks on the curb, we both sit still for a minute. The reality of what we did last night settling in.
“We smell like sex,” he says, looking at the quaint little house.
“Nah. We smell like we slept in the wilderness!” I say with more confidence than I feel because yeah . . . we smell like sex.
Lots and lots of sticky, sweaty glorious sex.
“We’ll sneak showers real quick. Come on. I’ll even let you go first., I say, climbing out of the truck and grabbing my bag and his. He follows me into the house, practically toppling over me to get to my shower before Jeanna can question us.
I laugh and make my way into the kitchen, sitting down at the island where Micah is making bacon at the stove, and Jenna walks in. “Pancakes?”
I nod exuberantly. “Yes, please. Double for the big guy.”
She grins. “You have leaves in your hair.”
I reach up and pluck a dry orange leaf from my hair, smiling, knowing I’m not fooling my sister-in-law. “Good night?” My brother asks as Jenna buzzes around the kitchen, making pancakes and sneaking glances at me with a secret smile.
“Great night. It was cold.”
“Hmm,” Micah says, sounding a little suspicious, but I don’t think he’s quite put it together yet.
Jenna places a plate in front of me and whispers next to my ear, “You might want to pull your collar up a little. You have a hickey.”
My eyes widen, and then little Ruby just so happens to walk in at the exact wrong time. “What’s a hickey?”
Micah stops what he’s doing and looks over at me.
I adjust the collar of my T-shirt, but it’s too late.
His eyes widen and then widen some more when Calvin walks in, his hair wet from the shower, dressed in new shorts and T-shirt, looking totally adorable and oblivious to what’s happening right now.
I silently beg Micah to shut his mouth, which he does. But he smirks over at me and is clearly trying to hide a laugh.
“I made pancakes, sweetie,” Jenna says, putting a very full plate down in front of the stool right next to me. I’m sure Calvin senses the weirdness in the room, but he just takes a seat.
“Thank you.”
“Anytime. I heard you guys had fun last night,” Jenna says, sliding a cup of orange juice to him.
He looks a little pale, like he might choke on air, but he recovers and takes a long sip of orange juice. “Yeah. We did. It was cold.”
“It sounds like you kept each other warm though,” Micah says, and Jenna smacks his chest while I shoot him a warning glare.
“What?” Calvin squeaks.
“Nothing,” I say quickly. “Try the pancakes. Super good.”
He is definitely uneasy, but he does just that and thankfully, the conversation switches from us keeping warm and hickeys to the game last night and the next game.
After breakfast, he helps me load the dishwasher before we go to my room. “I’m going to shower, okay? You stay here,” I direct because God knows what Micah and Jenna could possibly say to scare him away, and I do not want that.
“They know,” he states, but I can hear a little tiny question in there and freeze on my way to the bathroom, turning around to face him as he sits nervously on my bed.
I walk toward him slowly. “It’s okay. I promise. They don’t care.”
He looks pale again, his lips a little parted as he sits with it. “Okay,” he says shakily.
I kneel down in front of him, putting my hand on his knee.
“I swear to you. It changes nothing. Jenna has known probably the whole time and hasn’t said a word.
Micah is slow but kind of caught on because apparently,, you’re a bit of a vampire in bed.
” I pull down the collar of my shirt to show off his work.
His eyes widen comically, looking at it, and then his eyes meet mine, heat and mirth playing in those beautiful orbs. “Oh shit.”
I grin and stand up, letting my shirt fall back into place. “It’s not a big deal. Really. Jenna loves it. I can tell. She’s all giddy and shit.”
He snorts a laugh, and goddamn, I will never tire of that. “And Coach?”
“He’ll be fine with it. Though I’m sure I’ll get a lecture about not fucking with the team dynamic.”
He still looks worried but maybe a little less so now. “Go shower.”
I smile at him, winking before I walk out and go do just that.
So much has changed in the last twenty-four hours. I could sit around and worry about it all falling apart, but I refuse to do that.
They’re all steps toward what I so desperately want.
Baby steps.
But they count.