2. The Waves Of Desire #2
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I exhaled.
“I found out today. Zion has been so quiet about everything and apparently, this has been going on for some time now, even when we were together. He’s at an age where he needs men in his life.
He’s only nine with a mentality of a 14-year-old.
What you and I have going on has nothing to do with our child. Zion needs us both, Solomon.”
He scoffed. “I give you five thousand in child support every two weeks. Is that not enough? What else do you need? Huh?”
All the nice shit went out the window. “Nigga, you think I give a fuck about your funky ass ten thousand a month? That shit goes to his college fund that you no longer contribute to, and the rest sits in my savings. I’on need shit from you, but Zion does.
You are missing the point,” I stressed. He continued to look at me unfazed as if he had better shit to do.
“You so caught up in your own bullshit that you don’t see the bigger picture.
He needs his dad! He needs for you to be more present in his life!
A lot of things I’ve been stepping up for in your place, but as his mother, there’s only so much I can do.
The other day, he asked me what blue balls was, and I had no way to describe that shit.
I called you. No answer. I came up with the dumbest, most kid like response and that wasn’t enough.
He still questioned me. So maybe, just maybe, if you’ll get off your knees long enough, you’ll see that you are needed.
You were once a great father. I know he is still in there somewhere. ”
Solomon’s nose flared so hard it looked like it would separate. “I’m a good fucking father, Jersei! You know that.”
“You were,” I emphasized. “But your priorities have changed. If it doesn’t have anything to do with that man, you don’t care.
Zy has become a task for you, but parenting is a full-time job even when they’re an adult.
You have thrown in the towel early. You haven’t seen your son in what…
over three weeks and one of the first things you do is yell at him in a time where he needs you, you pushed him away. ”
He released a breath. “It’s not intentional.”
“That’s not an excuse, Solomon. I’on get to wake up and choose when I wanna be a mother.
It comes with it. I shouldn’t have to beg you.
It should be you who is explaining to him how the world views men whose skin is darker than sand.
It should be you teaching him the importance of being a black man and how strong y’all really are.
Yes, I affirm him every single day and night, but it hits different coming from a man who was once his age. ”
He held his hands up. “I don’t want to hear all that Black Lives Matter shit right now. Is there anything else you want?”
“Wow.” I took a step back in utter disgust. Times like this, I wish I had a hitman to beat his ass until he was cripple for a few weeks.
“Mutha’fuckas like you don’t realize that the cupcake phase only lasts for a little while.
The same people who have been in your life will be the same ones who remain after your lover walks away.
By then, if it’s too late for you to be in Zy’s life, then that’s on you.
I won’t do any extra convincing to our son when he says fuck you.
Step up, Solomon. Be the man he needs you to be even though you want to switch roles right now. ”
“I’m where I want to be and I don’t think you like that, Jersei. Victor and I are good, and we always will be. My son and I have a good relationship. He understands.”
Solomon’s mind was made up and there was nothing I could do to change it. Continuing this conversation would do nothing but piss me off more, so I decided to wrap it up.
“Okay, Solomon,” I peered around him waiting for Zy to open the door.
“Hopefully one day, you’ll have a taste of the happiness I do,” he pressed.
I fanned my hand in the air. “Yeah, yeah. Nigga fuck all that. You’re so blinded by bitterness that shouldn’t even exist. Just don’t try to drop your nuts when you see another nigga doing what you won’t.”
Solomon stepped forward. “Another nigga?”
I smirked. Although my roster was crystal clear, it humored me that he’d moved on and expected me to stay stagnant. “Yes, another one. Actually, I may have lost my touch, so if I need some throat refreshing lessons, I’ma call you.”
Solomon’s mouth fell open but before he could respond, the front door squeaked open, and Zion appeared with a popsicle in hand.
Solomon ruffled his curls as he stepped past him. “Hey son. What you think about playing the game later today?”
Zion looked at him then shrugged. “That’s cool, I guess.”
“Cool, then maybe we can go to the park later this week.”
“I have school, but that’s fine,” he looked up at me. “Mom, can we go now?”
A look of defeat settled on Solomon’s face. I didn’t think what I’d just told him would boomerang so fast, but I was glad it did. Solomon felt that he was untouchable in a lot of things, him and our son’s relationship being one of them.
“Of course, baby. Tell your father bye.”
He threw his hand up and practically ran to the car, and I was steps behind him.
“Jersei,” he called after me. I turned, watching him dig his hands in his pockets. “I’ll do better.”
“You do that.” I placed my thumb on my ear and extended my pinky to my mouth. “Remember, I’ll call you,” I winked before hopping in the car.
I looked at Zion from the rearview mirror. “You okay?”
“I didn’t expect Dad to react that way,” he admitted. “But I’m okay and I would rather talk about this later if that’s okay with you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes ma’am.”
Respecting his wishes, I turned the radio up slightly to fill the silence in the car. Where we live now was about ten minutes away from Solomon in West Harvest Hills.
Zion’s soft voice broke through the silence of the car.
“Mom?”
I glanced at him in the mirror. “Yes, baby?”
“Do you hate Daddy?”
I thought long and hard on his question. I didn’t hate his father, and I never will, but did I dislike him? Absolutely and my son deserved to know the truth.
“No Zy, I don’t hate your dad, no. That is a strong word that comes with some very strong feelings.
Your father did some very hurtful things to me that has in return caused me to have a very strong disdain for him.
” He was silent so I looked in the rearview mirror to get a better look at his confused face.
Zy was a smart kid, so if I really wanted to tell him what happened, I could, but that wasn’t my place.
“Do you remember when you and Thomas stopped being friends for a while after he embarrassed you on the field trip?”
“Yes. I remember, but I forgave him. Is that how you will forgive Daddy too?”
“Let’s pump the brakes a little. I don’t know about that, baby,” I chuckled. “Because if I’m being honest, you should’ve whooped Thomas’ ass too.”
Zy chuckled and it warmed my heart finally seeing him smile. “Thomas is cool now, but me and him will never be back like we were. He was trying to be cool for everyone but that really hurt my feelings,” he shook his head, looking back out the window as if he was replaying the day.
“That is how I feel about your dad. What he did was hurtful. It’s like thinking you know someone and all their ways and then they show you otherwise.
Once they show you who they are, believe them.
Sometimes we see shit with our own two eyes and still turn a blind eye to it.
If they did it once, they will do it again, so why keep them in your life when they don’t value you the same way you do them?
” I deeply exhaled. “All that to say, I respect him and we can love each other, but from a distance. A far one.”
Zy was silent for a few beats. There was a bit of traffic so I couldn’t turn and look at him, but I could feel him staring at me.
“Was she pretty mama?”
I mashed the brakes, causing us both to jerk forward. “Wh—Who Zy?”
“Daddy’s new girlfriend. I heard a little of the argument and the only time someone leaves is if they get deployed or when they are being very sneaky and have two or three people in their life that they are trying to hide and Dad doesn’t even have a gun, Mommy or military clothing. So, was she pretty?”
Lying wasn’t in the cards. I believed that the way to build a trustworthy relationship with anybody in your life was through honesty and communication. My son was no different.
“I never got to see her face son,” I said truthfully. “But whoever your father chooses will make him very happy, but that person is no longer me.”
“Then the person you choose will make you very happy too.”
“Thank you, Zy,” I smirked, reaching back to rub his little curls. “How abouttt, we go get a twenty-piece hot honey rub from The Chicken Hut then get a big,” I demonstrated how large with my hands, “Tub of sorbet and watch Crooklyn before school tomorrow?”
“Yes!” He cheered. “But Mama, can you get your own wings this time? I am becoming a grown man, and kid’s meals don’t fill me up. Plus, sometimes you eat like a man, so maybe we get a thirty piece.”
I hollered so loud and peered at him over my shoulder. “Boy! I do not eat like no man!”
“Yes. Like this,” he made some smacking sounds while eating air chicken. “It’s really loud, Mama,” Zy giggled.
We laughed our way to the Chicken Hut. As soon as I parked, Zy was out of the car, opening the driver side door for me.
I took his extended hand then kissed the top of his forehead.
I could talk a lot of shit about Solomon, but he made sure our baby boy was a gentleman the same way he was raised.
My eyes filled with tears because not only was my baby not a baby anymore, but the thought of us being away from one another for six weeks was setting in.
Although there were three more weeks left until summer break, I was going to miss my little man.