Chapter 4
Halle
There’s nothing more luxurious than taking a long, hot bath without interruption.
I’m taking advantage of these last few days of his built-in support before my Dad leaves next week. After he’s gone, it’ll be the first time since Lenni was born that I’ll truly be raising her on my own.
The thought fills me with excitement and a little bit of dread.
I worry about whether I’m strong enough to do this all on my own, if I’ve possibly made a mistake moving away from home, even if it is for my dream job.
When I first told Dad I was pregnant, I was of course worried about his response.
I was, after all, his only daughter. It was understandable that he might be upset over my decision and would try to talk me out of keeping my child, since he and Mom had both been very young when they had me.
Had my mom still been alive, would she have been in my corner?
Or convinced me to give the baby up and finish college.
All my concerns were unfounded. Dad jumped in with his whole heart and has been there for me and Lenni every step of the way.
Although I initially never told him the baby was Dane’s, Dad figured it out but never pressured me about it. He knew about my relationship with Dane before I left for college, and the timing of the pregnancy pointed directly at Dane as the father of my child.
But because my father is who he is, even with all his shortcomings and the long absences away from his family as a truck driver, he did everything he could to step up, becoming my rock and the father figure Lenni needed in her formative years.
Even Zack and Drew rose to the occasion. They were thrilled to become uncles and fell in love with Lenni the minute they saw her. My daughter has no lack of love in her life.
It didn’t prevent me from having difficult days along the way, though. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by when I haven’t second-guessed my decision to keep Dane in the dark about his daughter’s existence or questioned whether my choice was fair to Lenni.
There were moments when I nearly broken down and thought about tracking Dane down to tell him the truth, if only to see if he’d be the kind of stand-up guy Lenni needed as a father.
But every time I came close, I would read something about Dane’s off-the-ice behavior and playboy activities, and it stopped me short.
I didn’t trust that he was capable of settling down and could be relied upon to put Lenni first. Family ties are a priority for me and with how easily Dane let me go in the past, I wasn’t going to risk that he’d do the same thing with Lenni.
She’s only inquired a few times, but each time she mentions her daddy, it nails me, and sends me in a spiral over whether I made the right decision. But I just don’t trust him to be what she needs right now. Maybe ever.
I rub a palm over an ache in my chest and sink further down into the bathtub.
The hot water cocoons me in its delicious citrus, honey, and lavender scent.
A soapy bubble floats on top of the steamy water, and I pop it with my finger, wishing it was that easy to absolve the anxiety and guilt that bubbles up in my soul.
If only my worries would evaporate and fade as easily as bath bubbles.
I just wasn’t prepared to see Dane again. Logically, I knew there was a chance since we now work for the same organization. But it was more unsettling then I expected, and a curveball distraction to the excitement I’d been feeling over my new job.
I thought I’d have time to adjust and get ready for that potential run-in. Yet fate had me confronting my past within my first few hours on the job.
Good Lord, I was afraid I’d faint on the spot the moment my eyes connected with his. Everything was a blur, and my nerves had me in a state of panic, but I swear I saw him mouth the word Cherry.
But that’s probably just foolish thinking on my part.
In the real world, Dane probably forgot about me the moment I left his orbit and had no idea who I was when he saw me today.
I’ve changed considerably since having a baby.
So has Dane. He’s grown from an adolescent boy into a full-fledged man.
A strange thread of awareness had pulsed through my veins when I caught him staring at me with those unforgettable piercing gray eyes.
Even with his still damp hair slicked away from his forehead, and appearing darker than its usual sandy-blond coloring, he was easily recognizable. My heart knew instantly.
And the mass of dark stubble at his cut jawline, new since we last met, spiked that awareness even more.
The sight of Dane in the flesh had my knees weak and my heart pounding. I had wanted to turn and run but wasn’t sure my feet could move.
In fact, Trevor had to prod me forward, front and center, when Coach Thomas introduced me as the newbie—to the entire freaking team! I was so self-conscious that heat rose up my neck and to my cheeks.
It felt like Coach would never stop talking, but when he did, I dared to peek back up, my gaze landing squarely on Dane.
Who grimaced, his brows drawn together.
He may not have remembered me at first sight, but he had to have put two and two together when Coach Thomas said my name.
And the frown that marred his face suggested he was pissed that I was there.
But why? What could I have done to make him angry?
He was the one who never even bothered to respond to my text after the draft that year.
Not even a quick hello or thank-you, which only helps prove my case that Lenni and I are better off without him.
We’d never come first. He was quick to dismiss me from his life then, and it wouldn’t be any different now.
Dane Axelrod disappeared from my life like a popped bubble and took my heart with him. After that, I blocked his number.
I had to do that to keep myself from ever contacting him again and prevent him from potentially asserting himself back into my life.
As if that would ever happen.
Ax became a touted rookie with Chicago and was then traded to the Vikings. There was no way he was ever going to find room in his life for Lenni.
Or me.
A tiny knock on the door draws me out of my self-pity, and I force a smile on my face.
“Come in.”
The door handle wiggles, sticks, then jiggles again, and finally Lenni’s face appears through a crack.
“Hi, Mama,” she says in that cute little voice of hers. “Papa said it’s time for bed, but I want you to wead me a bedtime story.”
Lenni steps into the small bathroom, wearing her pink Disney princess nightgown—washed earlier today by Dad—the bottom hem swishing around her bare feet.
I extend my hand, and she moves forward to clutch it with her tiny one.
The pink of her nail polish, done during our nail painting and pizza party the night we moved in, is already chipping away.
I was honestly a bit worried that Lenni would have a tough time moving to Vancouver and leaving behind all that was familiar to her, including her obnoxious but loving uncles.
Like me, Lenni is reserved when it comes to new things or people; it takes us a while to adapt to new situations.
It took her a good two weeks at her last preschool to warm up to her new teacher and a month before she finally made friends.
Dad has been our saving grace at making this entire transition seamless and easy for both of us. He insists that it’s only fair, a form of payback for all the years I took care of our home when he was on the road.
It’s going to hit like a bucket of cold water when he leaves for Calgary and reality comes at us full force.
Then it’ll just be her and me.
I stretch across the porcelain tub to place a kiss on Lenni’s knuckles. Ripples of water splash over the side as I do and bubbles float in the air, drawing a giggle from my sweet girl.
“Okay, I can do that. Ask Papa to help you pick out a book and get you tucked in bed, and I’ll be there in five minutes.”
She nods and sprints out into the hallway, leaving the door ajar so the warm air of my spa-like bathroom seeps out.
I sink back down into the deliciously scented water and sigh. A mother’s job is never done.
And I wouldn’t have my life any other way. Lenni is the best decision I ever made, and I know my own mother is looking down from heaven with a smile on her face.
I just hope I can manage the responsibility of parenting on my own while working full time and also navigating the possibility of seeing my ex again.
But for now, my brain can only handle one thing at a time. And that’s leaving the warmth of the bath and putting my daughter to bed with a story.