15. Blaze
Blaze
“I think he’s into you,” Brooke says as we watch Shawn creep his way down the drive toward the main road.
I push her arm. “Shut up. No, he’s not.”
“He’s totally into you,” she says, not backing down. “He took you out to dinner last night.”
“That was a friends thing,” I argue as we head toward the boathouse on foot.
“It was at a bed-and-breakfast. And he paid.”
“He was just being nice. Gail and Billie say hi, by the way.”
“Hi back. And didn’t you two end up watching a horror movie instead of a baseball game?”
“So?”
“So, horror movies are like classic date movies. You can scream and hide your face in your date’s broad, manly chest.”
“You’re being ridiculous,” I insist, even though she’s echoing my own traitorous thoughts.
I unlock the boathouse and flip on the lights. It’s chilly in here, and I kick the heat on to take the edge off. Misty finds a chew toy under my desk and brings it over to her bed. “Let’s just inventory the life jackets, okay? Some of them are past their prime.”
We set to work, but Brooke won’t let it go. “Is he coming to Sunday supper?”
“Yeah,” I say cautiously. “All the guests are invited. You know that.”
“Fine, continue being oblivious. But at least you can tell me you like him.”
“I—” I’m about to deny it, but that would be protesting too much. I make a note to order more extra-small life vests. “He’s nice.”
“He’s a hottie with a body and green eyes that stare into your soul,” she gushes. “And he likes you. So please, since you’re dating him already, can you get some action, too?”
“What do you mean I’m dating him already? He’s a guest. I’m doing my job.”
“Lending him your truck is not in your job description. You won’t even let me drive your truck.”
“That’s not true. You hate driving my truck.”
“That’s because I need a booster seat to see out the windshield,” she grumbles.
“We’ve become friends,” is all I’ll admit to, because wanting anything else seems completely pointless.
“Yeah, sure,” she says, but maybe she hears the stress in my voice because she backs off for a while, helping me count out the kid-sized vests and add to my reorder list.
“I guess it’s just good to see you enjoying spending time with someone,” she says a little later.
I reach for a bag of pool noodles slung up in the rafters and pull them down. “Huh?”
“We’re so isolated out here, you know? It’s hard to meet people,” she says. “Unless you want to do the whole dating app thing.”
I grunt noncommittally.
Her eyebrows shoot up. “Are you doing the apps and didn’t tell me?”
“No. I mean, sometimes, when I go to Portland, but it’s just casual stuff.”
“You don’t do it around here?” She seems actually curious and not little-sister teasing.
I turn away to count the pool noodles and gather my thoughts. “I don’t know. Maybe I should. It just doesn’t feel like I’d find anyone long-term that way. It doesn’t feel…authentic, I guess.”
“Not like how Mom and Dad met,” Brooke says shrewdly.
“I’m not looking for that kind of thing anyway,” I say, but that’s not strictly true. Not anymore. “I mean, for a long time I couldn’t think about it.”
“I know.” She doesn’t apologize for being the reason, and I’m glad because not only isn’t it her fault, but I wouldn’t have wanted to put anything else in front of taking care of her, making sure she, and us, would be okay.
“And then I guess it was habit.”
“What was?”
“To be alone. Working here’s kind of all-encompassing, you know? I love the job, but it’s not exactly regular hours. And now you’re home, and there’s the house, and…I don’t know. There’s not a lot of room in my life for—”
“A hot baseball player who thinks you’re the best thing since they changed the designated hitter rules?”
I fight off a blush. “For a relationship,” I clarify. Though maybe there could be. Brooke’s not a kid anymore. She’s got a job, a life. We won’t even be living together after the house is built. “Maybe—”
“Maybe what?” she asks, sounding heartbreakingly hopeful.
I shrug and mark down the pool noodle total. I don’t know exactly what I should be hoping for. It’s not like Shawn Camden is my future—he’s a temporary friend at most.
When I don’t say anything, Brooke sighs. “Look, there’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about. Something kind of big.”
I turn to meet her gaze. “What is it?”
“You know Dr. McCallum?”
“Your boss?” I’ve met the man a couple of times—a baby-faced guy a few years older than me. Dr. Rosen, the only dentist in Laketon, has been my dentist my entire life, so I can’t vouch for this McCallum guy’s dentistry skills, but he seems like a good person to work for from what Brooke’s said.
“Yeah, my boss. So Dr. McCallum—Rocky—and I, well, we’re dating. And it’s serious.”
I can’t process the second thing until I process the first. “His name is Rocky?”
She smiles with her lips closed. “Yeah. It’s a nickname for Rockford.”
“Okay, I see why the nickname.” I don’t know what to say. My sister’s dating her employer. Where to even start? “How long has this—have you—?”
“About six months.”
I’m shocked. I’m only now hearing about this? “You’ve only been working for him for a year.”
“It was a bit of a love at first sight thing. At least for me. I tried to ignore it. Tried to tell myself it was a crush. Believe me, the last thing I wanted was to fall in love with the guy I work for. But it just kind of happened.”
“You’re—you’re in love?” That’s somehow way different from seriously dating.
She smiles again, but this one’s a genuine, soft smile that tells me more than anything she’s said. “Yeah. I’m in love with him.”
She’s had a few boyfriends over the years, but I’ve never heard her say those words before.
In a split second, I’m overcome with a wave of fondness for her so strong it kneecaps me.
It’s so much emotion I feel like it can’t all belong to me.
Maybe Mom and Dad’s love is combining with mine, and I have to be strong enough to bear it all, to share it all.
I cross the small room and put my arms around my little sister, hugging her tight enough for the three of us combined.
“That’s amazing.” My eyes are dry, but my throat feels thick. “Rocky, huh? I’d better get to know this guy a little better.”
“I’d love for us to all get together soon,” she says, letting me go. Her eyes are damp, as if she wasn’t sure how I’d react to the news.
“Wait, why all the secrecy? Why did you wait so long to tell me?” I’ll decide if I’m offended or not after I hear her answer.
“I’m sorry,” she says immediately. “At first, we weren’t sure where it was going, so I figured it would be less complicated. And it was sort of nice to keep it just for us—you know?”
I don’t really, but I can imagine. I nod.
“But then I wasn’t sure what you’d think of me, of us.”
“Why? I’m not saying I don’t have questions—the guy is like ten years older than you, not to mention your boss—but I trust you to do what’s right for you.”
She tucks her hair behind her ears and shifts uncomfortably. “I don’t know. I guess, you don’t really date, and I felt—”
I get it then. She thought I was too lonely, too pathetic, to be able to handle her being in a grown-up relationship.
“But seeing you with Shawn. I’ve been teasing you, and maybe he’s not for you, but there could be someone for you, and it’s okay if you want to go after something, someone, for yourself,” Brooke says in a rush.
It stings like a bare-chested belly flop onto the lake in December. I’ve always put her first, but somehow that’s backfired on me. She’s been holding herself back on my account.
“Well, I’m happy for you,” I say, my voice inexplicably raspy. “But you don’t need to worry about me.”
She gives me a small, sad smile. “I will, though. Because that’s what we do. We worry about each other. We love each other. We take care of each other. And that’s more important to me than anything. Truly.”
I can tell she means it. And I can’t deny being comforted by her words. She’s building her own life, but I’ll never lose her.
“So, you and Dr. Rocky,” I say, not ready to put all this into words. “How does that work…at work?”
“It’s fine. We keep things professional. I offered to find a new job, but so far we’re handling it.”
“Okay then.” I look blankly at the piece of paper with my inventory notes. It feels like there’s more to the story. “There’s something else, isn’t there?”
Brooke sighs and reaches out to touch my arm. “Rocky asked me to move in with him.”
I don’t get it until I do. “Oh.”
“We were thinking after the holidays. Maybe the new year.” She bites her lip, her eyes full of guilt.
She’s trying to soften the blow by not leaving me alone over the holidays. But that’s not the real issue.
“The house?”
She shakes her head. “I didn’t know how to tell you. You were so fired up about it.”
“You don’t want it.”
“You know I love the lake. I even love living with my annoying big brother. But living here forever—it’s not what I want.”
I know intellectually she’s not rejecting me or my life. She’s just choosing something different. But my heart hurts anyway.
“But look, you’ll be able to rent it in a second, or live in it yourself if you want. I was also thinking I should pay for some of the construction costs. I’ve been saving and…”
“Keep your money.”
She flinches, and I wonder if that came out too harshly.
“You don’t owe me anything, is what I mean.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t owe me an apology either.” I sigh. This is a lot, and I can’t process with her looking at me all concerned and guilty. “Do you mind getting a ride home from someone at the lodge?”
“What, right now?”
“Yeah. We’re almost done here. I have some other stuff to finish up, though.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah.”
She frowns. “Are you okay?”
“I’m—” I stall by giving her another hug. “That was a lot of new information. You just have to give me time.”
“I can do that.” She squeezes me back, hard. “You know I love you, B.”
“I love you, too, B. And I’m happy for you. I mean it.”
Her smile is a little wobbly, but she nods. “That’s because you’re the best.”
“Damn straight.”
She leaves the boathouse, and I sit down at my desk and stare off into space for a while.
Misty, probably sensing my mood, puts her chin in my lap, and I stroke her velvet ears idly.
I woke up this morning thinking the world was organized one way, and it turns out I was completely wrong.
It feels a bit too much like the day I woke up with two happy, living parents and went to sleep an orphan in charge of my little sister’s well-being.
Only now I’m looking at a future where I’m totally alone.