16. Shawn #2
All his questions in one word, and therefore only one answer. “Yes.”
“You—?” He sounds confused, but not unhappy.
“Yes.”
“Wow.” Now he sounds overwhelmed—but in a good way, I hope.
“Can I?”
His turn to say, “Yes.”
I twist my palm toward his so we’re holding hands in truth.
Then, I incline my head, only slightly because he’s not that much shorter than me, and our lips touch.
His beard scrapes my skin, but it’s not scratchy.
It feels miraculous, little dots of stimulation along my upper lip and chin, every sensation turned up to eleven.
My heart’s beating fast. It’s not my first kiss, but it might as well be.
I’m unsure how far to press, how far to go.
And then I think maybe I’m overthinking it, because he breaks the connection, takes half a step back.
“Was that okay?” he asks.
“I can do better, I promise.” Practice, I well know, really does improve performance.
“No, it was fine,” he assures me halfheartedly.
Not exactly a glowing review. “Your beard—it’s softer than it looks.”
He smiles faintly. “First time kissing someone with a beard?”
“First time kissing a guy.”
“Really?” He takes another half step back and drops my hand. Every cell in my body screams at me to chase after the contact.
“Yeah, but it’s not a big deal,” I say, perhaps unconvincingly.
He’s silent for a moment. I want to kiss him again. I want to do it better. I want to make him feel amazing, so that he won’t regret kissing the messy former ballplayer.
“Why me?” he asks instead of walking away like maybe he should.
“Oh, that’s easy.” I grin at him, on steady ground now, even as the dock creaks and rolls beneath us. “You’re you.”
He rolls his eyes. “That’s not exactly illuminating.”
The list tumbles out of me without having to think about it.
“You’re kind. And capable. And you like to take care of people.
You take care of me better than anyone I’ve ever met.
And I want to let you. I’m usually the one taking care of my team.
But with you—I don’t know. It’s more balanced, somehow. ”
“We take care of each other,” he says slowly.
“Exactly! And I don’t know. I look at you and I see this nice, caring, competent person, and I also see someone who I want to touch. Who I want to touch me.”
I can see him visibly swallowing as he takes in what I’ve said. “Wow,” he says again, with a strange sense of wonder.
“Why shouldn’t I want that? You’re really attractive,” I say almost sullenly. I don’t like the idea of him selling himself short.
He rubs a hand over his beard. “I guess I had some inkling, but I kept talking myself out of making assumptions.”
“So, do you, um, want to touch me?” It’s embarrassing how much I want him to say yes.
There’s a pause long enough for me to doubt everything I’ve done and said since coming to Sanctuary Lake. But finally, Blaze picks up my hand again. Everything in me relaxes as soon as we’re touching. “Yeah, I want that, Shawn.”
“Let me try this first kiss thing again,” I say.
“I don’t think it can really be called a first kiss if you’re doing it for a second time,” he says lightly.
Instead of arguing with him, I kiss him, and this time I’m ready for the beard, for the way it feels to have his body so close I could slot our planes and hollows together.
His mouth opens beneath mine, and he tastes like sugar and spice from the gingerbread cake.
I run my tongue over his top teeth and feel the crooked one with a sense of satisfaction.
I’ll always know what Blaze’s crooked tooth feels like, from now until I die.
His tongue meets mine, and my body feels like it’s on fire.
I feel completely safe and yet kissing Blaze is the biggest risk I’ve ever taken.
Because being with him is something entirely new, something old Shawn would never do, and it means I’m deliberately making a break with my old self.
I’ve been taking small steps away from that old Shawn for days, but now I feel untethered, like I’m taking a great leap into an unknown world.
Only I’m not afraid at all, because Blaze will catch me.
He won’t let me flounder or fall. He’ll keep me safe, and he’ll show me things I never knew about myself.
“Come back to my cabin with me,” I say when our first—second—third?—kiss finally ends with my lips tingling and my entire body throbbing with the desire to take things further.
Blaze looks gratifyingly unfocused, his lips transformed from new raspberries to the plump, ripe late summer variety. “Your cabin,” he repeats.
“It’s warm in there,” I coax. I don’t know what he wants, but I want to find out.
He looks like he’s going to follow me, but then he closes his eyes. “My truck. It’s at the lodge. Marika will wonder—”
“Oh.” I hadn’t considered the implications. “Is it not—is your job at risk?”
“No,” he says quickly, eyes flying open. “I mean, I don’t think so. It’s never really come up before.”
My chest puffs with the knowledge that I’m the only retreat guest he’s ever kissed on this dock under the stars.
Still, I feel the need to make sure. “You don’t make a habit of seducing guests with fishing and night hikes?”
He shakes his head. “Never,” he says seriously.
God, I want him so badly.
“Come to my cabin with me. Please.”