20. Shawn
Shawn
Everything hurts by the time Luis calls an end to the workday.
He drops me off at the retreat, telling me he’ll have tax forms for me to fill out tomorrow, and I tumble into my shower.
It’s been a physically demanding day, but I’m used to pushing my body beyond its limits.
I have thirty minutes to get date-ready before Blaze is supposed to pick me up.
I hope he’s okay with staying in, because my intention to plan the most epic, wonderful date ever went sideways almost immediately this morning.
I’d woken up to the crushing pressure of wanting to woo a person I care a lot about and having no idea how to start. I’m not exactly known for my dating prowess. It was all so much easier when I’d subconsciously set up our first date.
I decided to seek out inspiration. I went to the lodge, but I couldn’t very well ask Marika what hot date spots her employee might enjoy.
Instead, I asked for a ride to Laketon. We’ve already been to one-third of the restaurants in the tiny town but that didn’t mean there wasn’t something else on offer.
A concert or a movie theater, perhaps? I brought my phone along, desperate enough to get back online.
The damn thing went berserk with notifications the second I got in service range.
Texts from Jett, a few from some of the other guys on the team, the usual spam, and a message from Dr. Russell reminding me he was back from his trip and I’d missed our standing weekly appointment, which I ignored. Nothing from my dad.
While at the coffee shop, I overheard the guy in front of me asking the cashier if her brother was in town because he needed more people to work on a construction project on the lake.
I butted in, confirmed he was talking about Blaze’s house, and introduced myself to Luis Conejo as someone with two hands and a modicum of know-how.
He’d looked me up and down skeptically, but he must have been desperate because he gave me a shot. I thought maybe pitching in with the house would mean more to Blaze than driving two towns over to see a movie.
It was hard to read him when he stopped by the construction site. He seemed a little taken aback, but I was having too much fun to care. Yes, I hammered my thumb half a dozen times. But I also saw the progress we made in a few short hours, and man, it felt good.
I stay in the shower as long as possible to give my muscles a chance to relax.
Maybe I should have called Dr. Russell back.
It probably wouldn’t be the worst thing to talk to my therapist about some of the things I’ve been contemplating, plus my new relationship, but meeting with him would force me to think too much about the world outside of Sanctuary Lake.
I want to stay in my bubble for a little longer.
I’m dressing when I hear a knock. My one trump card has arrived: Nolan’s cooking.
I’d put in a call to the kitchen when I stopped by my cabin to change into work clothes and get my tool belt, gloves, and goggles.
I asked, okay, I begged the chef to put together a dinner for two, and I showed my hand when I told him to make all of Blaze’s favorites.
I open the door to Nolan’s sous chef carrying a tray of covered dishes. “You are a lifesaver, thank you,” I gush, making a mental note to tip everyone excessively when I leave the retreat.
Whenever that is. It’s harder and harder to remember what I have that’s worth going back to.
I don’t have time now to fall into an angst spiral.
Instead, I set up the collection of fragrant, appetizing dishes on the little kitchen table.
There are drinks in the fridge, and I dim the lighting.
I’ve thrown on a casual button-down and hope my hair looks okay.
It’s grown out a bit since I arrived. I might let it grow down to my ears at this rate.
It’s five minutes past when I finally hear Blaze’s truck and see the headlights arc across the cabin’s windows.
I open the door, and Blaze is there. My heart, honest-to-god, skips a beat.
“You didn’t bring Misty?”
He shakes his head. “Wasn’t sure what the plan was. Brooke said she’d take care of her tonight.”
I still don’t know what Brooke told Blaze to trouble him yesterday, but I figure he’ll open up to me when he’s ready.
He puts his hands in his pockets. “So, what is the plan?”
“Oh, right.” I inexplicably feel shy. “We’re eating in, if that’s okay.” I hold the door open, and he looks around for a moment before walking inside.
“I know I promised you a real date, and we’ll go somewhere exciting soon, I swear, but I got caught up in working today and I don’t have my own wheels, and also, there’s not much to do around here,” I say, aware I’m babbling but unable to stop.
“Maybe we should go to Portland. That’s like an hour away, right? Yeah. Portland. This weekend?”
Blaze is laughing, and I force myself to shut my mouth. “Eating in is fine with me, Shawn.”
“I didn’t cook, if that’s what you’re wondering.” I gesture to the table and the prepared meal.
“No worries,” he says easily. “Hey, is that fried chicken? And Nolan’s cornbread muffins. Those are the best.”
“I told him to make your favorites.”
His smile fades. “So, Nolan knows we’re having dinner together.”
“Uh, yeah. Is that bad?”
He sighs. “It’s—whatever. I might get some shit for it, but it’s not like there’s a rule or anything.”
“I don’t want to get you in trouble,” I say honestly. “But I also want to have dinner with you.”
“You’re worth a little trouble,” he says, and it makes me unaccountably happy to hear that. “And Nolan’s muffins are worth a lot of trouble.”
“Let’s eat, then.”
“Okay.” He steps forward and kisses me, a belated hello. It’s short but packs enough of a punch I reconsider the order of operations. Would it be so bad to make out before dinner? My stomach rumbles, answering my own question.
We wash our hands—I get out two beers, and then we take our seats at the small table, two pretty big guys dwarfing what’s really more like a breakfast nook. But we make it work, our knees knocking together. It’s nice.
“So are you going to tell me what happened today?” he asks when we’re two bites into our out-of-this-world fried chicken.
“What happened—oh. Well, I met Luis at the coffee shop. He mentioned he was looking for some guys to add to his crew, and I volunteered. It sounded like fun.”
“You didn’t have to do that, you know. You’re not here to work.”
“Are you upset that I did? Because I don’t think I did too bad of a job. The guys on the crew are cool—Leo recognized me, mentioned it to the others, but they didn’t give me a hard time. He’s actually a good teacher, pretty patient with an old guy like me.”
“You’re not old,” he says, “and no, I’m not upset. It’s just you’re a Sanctuary Lake Retreat guest. You’re supposed to be, like, meditating and getting massages, not performing manual labor.”
“I’m supposed to be figuring my shit out. That’s what I’m doing,” I say, feeling defensive.
“How is hammering nails into boards helping you figure your shit out?” From someone else it could sound condescending, but Blaze actually wants to know, I can tell.
“Well—” I pause, laughing at myself a little ruefully. “I’m not sure. But it felt good to be out there building something with my hands. It was satisfying, you know? Like yesterday, in the woodshop. I made something that didn’t exist before, something useful and beautiful. It’s a nice feeling.”
“Yeah, okay, I get that,” he says.
“How was your day?” I ask because that’s what people in relationships do. And we may be in an undefined sort of half-relationship, but it still counts. It’s the realest relationship I think I’ve ever been in, even though it’s only twenty hours old.
He slathers local salted butter onto an enormous corn muffin. “It was good,” he says. “I took a couple out kayaking this morning. They were stoked. We saw some turtles. Then I visited the construction site, and boy, you should see the new guy. Really hot. Makes a tool belt look good.”
I laugh. “Should I be jealous?”
He winks at me, and I like this playful, flirty side of Blaze. Was he keeping this on lockdown while we were supposedly hanging out as just friends?
“You left in a hurry—thought something might be wrong,” I say.
“No—just.” The flirtation ebbs out of him, and now he looks frustrated. “No.”
“Are you sure?”
“I told you Brooke shared some news with me yesterday.”
I nod.
“So, thing one—my sister’s been in a relationship for six months and she didn’t tell me. Thing two—she doesn’t want to live in the house I’m building for her. She wants to live in town, with Rocky.”
Whoa. “Who’s Rocky?”
“Her boss,” Blaze says unhappily. “The dentist.”
“Your sister is dating her boss?”
“My sister is in love with her boss.” He sounds resigned to it, but there’s something I’m not getting.
“And this is a bad thing?”
“No,” he says immediately. “But it feels like it came out of nowhere. And now I don’t know what to do about the new house. I mean, I could rent it. Or sell.”
“Don’t sell,” I say immediately. “You don’t want to lose that gorgeous piece of property.”
“That wouldn’t be my first choice. But what am I going to do with a big empty house?”
“You could live in it.”
“I have a place to live,” he says a trifle grumpily. “My parents built that house themselves.”
“And it’s a wonderful house.” It’s a place that’s obviously seen a lot of happy times. But it’s cramped, and there’s no lake view. “You could rent that one,” I suggest. “Why not live in the place you designed? It’s going to be gorgeous when it’s done.”
“Yeah.” He looks off into space, as if he’s visualizing it. “Seems like too much room for me and Misty.” He glances back at me, his eyes unreadable.
Now I see why he was so out of sorts yesterday. I know how close he and Brooke are. To find out his sister was hiding such a big part of her life had to throw him. “This sounds like a big change for both of you.”
“She’s entitled to her own life,” Blaze says. “But I guess I’m still getting used to the idea.”
“That makes sense. Have you met the dentist?”
“Only in passing. I guess I should check him out. And probably talk to Brooke some more. I shut down a little bit yesterday with her. I’m a jerk.”
“Well, that’s definitely not true. You and Brooke can figure this out.”
“Thanks, Shawn.” His smile meets his eyes, and I feel like I just made a double play.
“Besides, you have time to decide what to do about the house. It sounds like once the snow comes, work will stop for a few months.”
“Yeah. Between the snow and the cold, we’ll have to take a break.”
I shiver. The mornings have already been getting chilly. I should have brought more layers. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen snow.”
“They don’t get snow in Connecticut?”
“I usually spend a chunk of the winter in Florida with my folks.” I wonder if my dad wants me around this winter if he can’t even talk to me on the phone.
“Hey, you know what’s better than a night hike?” Blaze asks, like he wants me to solve a riddle.
“What?”
“Night snowshoeing. Freezing cold, clear air. A thermos of hot chocolate.”
“Salted caramel hot chocolate?”
He grins, and I’m distracted by his crooked front tooth. It makes me want to kiss him again.
“Sure, if that’ll get you out there.”
“Sounds great. I’m in,” I say, looking at his mouth.
His smile disappears, and I lift my gaze to his eyes. He blinks a few times. “You won’t be here when the snow comes.”
It’s unlikely I’ll still be living at the retreat when winter arrives, but at the same time, going back to my empty apartment, jobless and aimless, isn’t exactly top of my to-do list. I have more going on in my life here than I do there.
But it’s equally wild to suggest I’ll be here then, working construction by day and going night snowshoeing with my boyfriend.
I didn’t come up here to completely start over, just to get my head in a better place.
“True,” I say, but the answer doesn’t sit right in my chest.
Somehow, this trip isn’t turning out the way I thought it would.
Callie told me to think about what I want.
Figuring that out has been fuzzy, like straining to see the far shore of the lake through the morning mist. For the last couple of days, though, it’s been getting clearer.
I want to have a purpose—I want to be part of something.
Being part of a team is the only thing I’ve ever really been good at.
But as Blaze and I eat and talk and clear the dishes, I realize there’s something I might want more. And that’s the man standing next to me at the sink, washing while I dry.