31. Blaze
Blaze
Nolan and I stay at the pizza place long enough for the TV over the bar to show the Laurels taking a six-nothing lead. I drop him at the retreat, since he lives in an apartment in the main lodge building.
He gives me a stilted salute as he hops out of the truck. “Uh, thanks for the company,” he says stiffly, as if we haven’t just spent three relatively pleasant hours together.
I laugh. “See you, Nolan.”
I’m so used to spending evenings at cabin three I almost head there next, but then I remember Shawn’s not there. I go home, feeling sorry for myself.
Misty’s snoozing in her bed by the hearth. Brooke must have started a fire earlier, but only embers remain.
“Hey, wasn’t expecting you tonight,” my sister says, walking in from the direction of her room. We’ve been trading off dog duty, and it’s only been slightly awkward to acknowledge that we’re each getting some when we’re staying over at our respective boyfriend’s places.
“Yeah, well, Shawn’s gone.” I sound more pissed than forlorn, which is good for my pride, at least. I turn on the TV to catch the post-game wrap-up.
The Laurels have tied the series by winning seven to two.
One more win and they’ll be championship bound.
I hope Shawn’s happy. I flick off the TV and check my phone, but no new texts since the one saying he landed.
“Gone? Where did he go?” Brooke asks.
“Hartford. The Laurels game. Do you want some tea?” I go to the kitchen and get out a box of herbal tea Brooke keeps for when she has difficulty sleeping. Usually I’m out like a light, but somehow I feel like I’m going to have a restless night.
“He went all the way to Connecticut for a baseball game?”
“They’re his team.” And the pull of that will always be stronger than whatever I can offer him up here in the middle of nowhere, Maine.
“Well, he’s coming back, right?” she asks with concern.
“I don’t know. He said he was, but—” I’m afraid to hope for the moon. I’d settle for him not dying in a stupid airplane crash.
“He’ll come back,” she says as if there’s no question.
I decide I don’t want tea after all. “I’m going to bed.”
“Wait—can I talk to you about something?”
The last time she wanted to talk, she dropped some pretty big bombshells. “You and Rocky eloped?” I ask grimly.
She rolls her eyes. “No. But I thought with you and Shawn—I mean, I figured it would work better for everyone if I moved out sooner rather than later.”
“Oh.” I look at my sister. My beautiful, smart, grown-up sister. And it hits me—things are really changing. It’s not just her and me anymore. She has Rocky. She has an entire life separate from me. And I’m so proud of her I want to cry. “Yeah.” I sniff. “That makes sense.”
I guess I am crying, because she walks around the kitchen counter and puts her arms around me. “I don’t really want to move out,” she says, her voice muffled by my jacket.
“I don’t really want you to move out.”
“But I also do,” she whispers.
I sigh. “Yeah. Me too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, Brooke. You being happy, safe, healthy. That’s all I want. And you’re doing amazing.”
“Yeah, I turned out good,” she says, pulling back and smiling at me. Her eyes are wet, and I let out another big sniff. “That’s because of you.”
It’s hard not to let the tears fall after that.
“You should be really proud of yourself,” she says. “I’m really proud of you.”
I crack a watery smile. “I was just thinking the same thing about you.”
“Well, we’re one proud family. But for real—you did a lot of hard things. You’ve earned this—your own space, your own life. And it’s not like I’m going to Canada. I’ll be forty minutes down the road.”
“Yeah, no, it’s good.” It’s a new chapter for both of us.
“And maybe…I don’t know. Things will work out with Shawn. Or if not Shawn, some other guy who’d be ridiculously lucky to be in your life.”
A few weeks ago I would have pushed the thought away, but I’m no longer afraid of loneliness, or of knowing what I’m missing. I’m only afraid that maybe I’ll never see Shawn again and won’t be able to tell him he changed my life.
I have his number. It’s not like I can’t pick up the phone and call. But being with him these last few weeks—maybe it was all a Sanctuary Lake dream. Maybe we’re not meant to survive the outside world.
I turn off my phone and go to bed.